Wednesday Skull Session

By Sarah on August 30, 2011 at 9:59p

Happy Wednesday, sports fans. Apologies if you saw my name and thought for once, the week leading up to football had decided to move faster than a snail's pace. Nope, it's not Friday yet. You make one teeny reference to The Addams Family, and suddenly, you're on Wednesday duty. So, we've still got three long days until kickoff in The Shoe.

If you're anything like I am, then you're more prepared than a Boy Scout for Saturday. I've got my outfit laid out already, even though it consists of an Ohio State shirt and yoga pants. I plan to Hoke it up1 and only leave the couch for food or pee breaks. I've got a stockpile of my beverage of choice, which happens to be pumpkin tea, because I party HARD. I've created a spreadsheet of game times so I know what to watch, when, and for how long. Of course, you have to be ready for the unexpected. You may have to delay watching Oregon vs. LSU if, for example, the SE Louisiana-Tulane game goes to 12 OTs. There's always a certain amount of science involved in football Saturdays, but you've got to leave room for improv, too.

Before we get down to the news of the day, let me offer one more apology: if anything that follows seems as subpar as the Michigan defense, blame my internet provider for deciding that last night would be the perfect time for a sporadic internet connection. NO, COMCAST, I LOVE TRYING TO WRITE IN THREE-MINUTE INTERVALS AT TWO IN THE MORNING.

 O CAPTAIN! MY CAPTAIN! As many questions as there have been through this endless offseason, there was one thing I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt: Mike Brewster would be named a captain. Then Fickell had to go and throw egg on my face by deciding to rotate captains. While technically Brewster will be a captain—he, Simon, and Shugarts are up this week—there are no permanent ones until, perhaps, after the season. At that point, Brewster will make it official, because come on, this guy was probably leading the nursery in blocking drills a few hours after being born.  

To his credit, Brewster maintains a team-first attitude, as if you'd expect anything different:

"It would have been cool, but it's not about me. It's not about any individual this year. ... Coach Fick just said this is the best thing for our team right now and I trust him. I think it is the best thing for our team right now, just making everybody a part of it because we need everybody."

On the one hand, if there was any year that OSU needed to fuse together and form a super-sized Buckeye amalgamation, then the time is now. On the other hand, this year's team is fairly young and in need of steady leadership. Either way, Brewster will provide it, but the four-year starter has earned the right to be a captain every week.

Also, after he was named to yet another preseason All-American team, Brewster's reaction was blasé. Like most of us, he understands that it's about receiving postseason, not preseason, honors. I won't guarantee anything, though, in fear of jinxing him.

SO MUCH FOR MY SUPER MARIO BROTHERS' VILLAIN JOKES. The Ohio State Football Media Guide has been released. Peruse away and find out like I did that you've been mispronouncing the presumed starting QB's name. BAH-zer-man, not BOW-zer-man2. Sadly, I think I read that last year and quickly forgot it, Memento-style. Anyway, you can also learn how to pronounce the long snapper's name. Not Bryce Haynes, but George Makridis, the number one LS on the depth chart. Discover that Dalton Britt went to Clear Fork High School, which is in Ohio, not Texas. Realize that there's someone named Dalton Britt on the football team. I'm not exactly sure what Construction Systems Management is, though now I know it's Garrett Goebel's major.

Glance at the coaches and support staff section and let your stream-of-consciousness flow: Video intern Dane Chester, I think Billy Zabka once played a character with your name; Bollman, you look like an angry walrus in that picture; Paul Haynes, nice of you to pose for one of those Kohl's ads that comes in the Sunday paper; Stan Jefferson, what does a director of player development do exactly?, etc... 

 THEY LAUGH ALIKE, THEY WALK ALIKE. Mike Vrabel is fitting in nicely as the new linebackers coach. Andrew Sweat even thinks he could be Fickell's twin. Like what, all beefy white guys with dark hair look alike?

His first year out of the NFL, and Vrabel doesn't seem to miss it one bit. He's enjoying the start of his coaching career, even if he still needs to get advice from his best friend on how to do it. Both Sweat and Storm Klein remarked how "intense" he is, implying he often sounds like he's afflicted with Tourette's. He's also fond of getting in the trenches and showing the players how to hit. That doesn't mean he's unapproachable:

The players talk about how easy it is to relate to Vrabel, and that's not just limited to the linebackers. A lineman came up to Vrabel at Media Day in Ohio Stadium and asked the coach with the trim mustache and beard for grooming tips. 

He does have pretty impeccable facial hair. All in all, he appears to be clicking with the team, and hopefully the linebackers will confirm that with their play.

Goo, goo, g'joobI AM THE WALRUS

HEY! TEACHERS! LEAVE THEM KIDS ALONE! The Woody Hayes Athletic Center is now home to a Tressel Tribute wall. This was going to happen sooner or later, and it will hardly be the last recognition he receives from Ohio State. However, it's a bit of surprise that with an NCAA ruling still to come, it's already constructed. The 2010 season is not included, so it shows an 8-1 record against Michigan, six Big Ten titles, and a 5-4 bowl record. Since his Youngstown State stats are also part of the mural, five national championships are acknowledged and his career records stands at 229-78-2.

As much as I've embraced Fickell as the new coach, I hope I don't burst into tears when the team runs out on the field for the first time without Tressel. There's no crying in football, Sarah!

WON'T YOU HELP TO SING THESE SONGS OF FREEDOM. The other sideline on Saturday will also be looking for a little redemption. After a hapless season last year that failed to reach a Titanic-level of disaster thanks to a win over Buffalo, Akron wants to prove to everyone that they are less pathetic than you think they are.

As it usually is against in-state programs, most of the Akron players probably grew up cheering for Ohio State, and the opportunity to play in Ohio Stadium is pretty exciting. The Zips coach, Rob Ianello, has used the chance to line up against Ohio State as motivation during the offseason. He most likely doesn't expect a win, but he does expect to see an improved team take the field and never quit. Basically, the same song and dance you always hear when it comes to these early season MAC opponents. Of course, the last time these two schools played, Ohio State only won 20-2, so I'll save my mocking for the likes of Michigan.

THE OHIO STATE SECONDARY IS LICKING THEIR CHOPS. Get ready to catch some interceptions, Travis Howard and company, because Jacory Harris will be playing on September 17th. The NCAA ruled that 12 current members of the Miami team accepted improper benefits, and eight of them will be suspended. Five of them, including starting QB Harris, only have to sit out the first game.

I've given up trying to understand the NCAA. Anything on MTV makes more sense to me3. I'm going to assume that like usual with the NCAA, it's a money issue, and the reason Boom, Posey, Adams, and Thomas will be at home watching the game is because the memorabilia they sold was worth more money than the freebies received by the Miami players, with the exception of the three who will still be suspended. Those three, DL Olivier Vernon, S Ray-Ray Armstrong, and TE Dyron Dye, are out 4-6 games due to accepting benefits during recruitment. 

As Stewart Mandel put it, while they got off easy now, in the long run, this is bad news for the Hurricanes. The suspended players seem to have confirmed Shapiro's allegations about them, and if he was right in these cases, then, like most expect, Miami will get hit hard in the end. 

FICKELL NOT THE ONLY FICKLE ONE. Other B1G schools are still sorting out who will be starting this week at key positions. With Rob Bolden and Moxie McGloin, Penn State will also play two QBs. JoePa will see how well he adjusts to his new bionic parts to determine whether he's on the sideline against Indiana State. They also don't know who the right guard will be, and the depth of the offensive line is a big concern. A QB rotation and a thin OL? Sucks for the Nittany Lions, huh?

Indiana is another team with a question mark at QB, Michigan State is figuring out their OL situation, and Dan Persa may or may not be ready to suit up for Northwestern, who is dealing with a battle between Mike Trumphy and Jacob Schmidt4 at running back. Luckily, we'll soon get to see how all of these play out on the field.

 THIS AND THAT BUT MOSTLY THAT. B1G coaches, anonymously talking trash... If the QBs struggle, maybe Thad Matta will let Fickell borrow Aaron Craft... Shockingly, Sullinger is very valuable... The Hold Steady getting their Huey Lewis on... Awesome People Hanging Out: Paul Rudd edition... Yikes, how many of us have this?... The sign outside of The Daily Show.

  • 1 Don't worry, I exercise the other six days a week, so I'm not in danger of literally Hoke-ing up. 
  • 2 As in "a bow is a bow", not the kind of tie favored by Gordon Gee.
  • 3 I watched about five seconds of the VMAs the other night, and I was all, "why is Lady Gaga dressed as Joyce Hyser in Just One of the Guys? Is her brother Buddy going to come out and show her how to scratch her pretend balls?" When that didn't happen, I turned the channel.
  • 4 Oh great, now that stupid song is stuck in my head. And probably yours, too. You're welcome. 

Comments Show All Comments

beserkr29's picture

Freaking awesome.  Perfect way to start the halfway point of the week.  Stupid responsibility...

Darth Brutus's picture

'Morning kids, what's poppin'?

This is just random, byt I couldn't sleep last night and ended up watching the replay of last years' game against Wisconsin on BTN. Is it unhealthy that I'm still pissed and disappointed even though it technically doesn't count?

"Have you ever been to Michigan? The whole state smells like hot-dog water!"

beserkr29's picture

Nope.  Vacated or not, it still hurts.  I had to turn the channel or I'd have thrown something at my TV in an effort to break it.  Can't have that happen before the new season starts.

Brutus's picture

Sadly, that's the one game that actually does count. And I think it's a little weird that I'm writing to you in particular. Brutus writing to Darth Brutus: does that make you my apprentice or something?

Also, watching games in yoga pants is hot. I wish I had yoga pants. Probably wouldn't be as hot, but I'd be comfy.

Another Jason's picture

I thought the entire season was vacated, not just the wins.  So the loss does not count on our side, but they still have their win.  Basically, they beat somebody that day, but we're not telling who.

RBuck's picture

..Brew Crew's wins over scUM days until football.

Long live the southend.

BucksfanXC's picture

...techinically, they only have 2 now.

/Buzz Killington'd

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

umbyosu's picture

I am the Eggman!

BuddhaBuck's picture

@Sarah -

  • Comcast might actually be worse than Time Warner... and there are few things better in life than an female Buckeye fan in yoga pants...
  • Love the Mario Bros. reference. I think we'd all think more highly of Joe B. if his last name was in fact spelled Bowzerman.
  • Of course, all beefy white guys with dark hair look alike... just like all Asians look alike.  ><

I'm punting on a round at Muirfield Village GC on Saturday to tailgate. Stupidity? or Dedication?

Don't text while driving.

slippy's picture

Stupid dedication?

Denny's picture

'There are few things better in life than an female Buckeye fan in yoga pants...'

I dunno, man. Corgis in Buckeye jerseys are hilarious/awesome.


tampa buckeye's picture

Nothing to see here....

SilverBullets's picture

" You may have to delay watching Oregon vs. LSU if, for example, the SE Louisiana-Tulane game goes to 12 OTs. There's always a certain amount of science involved in football Saturdays, but you've got to leave room for improv, too."


Sarah, sadly I've been trying to explain this to my Northeastern NFL friends for the last couple of years.  They seem content with their 1, 2 if they're getting frisky, national games at a time.

Another Jason's picture

Gotta love this quote from the candid coaches piece: "I just can’t see Ohio State winning a share of a seventh consecutive Big Ten title.”

No, you can't. Because we don't have to share anymore.

AltaBuck's picture


I am Groot - Groot

BucksfanXC's picture

There's such a thing as pumpkin tea? I've yet to find a pumpkin flavored item I won't enjoy.

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

BuckPirate1981's picture

Like pumpkin beeeeeeer.  Pumpkin yogurt was kinda weird tho. 

slippy's picture

I've had a few on that list.  Shipyard's Pumpkinhead is the best.  It tastes like liquid pumpkin pie.  Fantastic.

BucksfanXC's picture

I of course love pumpkin beer, but pumpkin ice cream, dounuts, bread, pie, and soup, probably all rank ahead of it on my list of favorite pumpkin flavored foods.

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

buckeyedude's picture

I think Sam Adams Oktoberfest Beer has a slight pumpkin taste to it.



Buckeye in Illini country's picture

Sam Adams makes a Harvest Pumpkin Ale.  It is quite good.



Columbus to Pasadena: 35 hours.  "We're on a road trip through the desert looking for strippers and cocaine... and Rose Bowl wins!"

Sgt. Elias's picture

Pumpkin Floats!:

-1 bottle your favorite pumpkin ale

-1 scoop French vanilla or cinnamon ice cream, or a little of both

-place ice cream in bottom of glass, poor ale on top, beware the foaming goodness 


****Drink that bitch up for dessert and giggle and SQUEEE with joy****

"Okay -- I've got an El Camino full of rampage here." 

BucksfanXC's picture

I've done it before in the opposite, where you use pumpkin ice cream and just cream soda or sletzer. Alcohol could make this better.

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

Sarah's picture

Pumpkin tea.

I usually ask a local grocery store to order it so others can enjoy it, too.

TheHumbleBuckeye's picture

There's no crying in football Sarah! Unless it's this sort of crying....


This image is possibly one of the greatest fan images in all of football. RIP Neutron Man! We know you're watching with Woody from above!

Chris Lauderback's picture

Agreed. Incredible image. Also, Neutron Man is the one and only truly original mega-fan. The rest of the dudes are embarrassing. Buck-I-Guy and those two other big dudes (can't remember their names) make our fanbase look like morons every Saturday.

blazers34's picture

buck i guy sucks serious ass.  cant stand him. 

BuckeyeBacker98's picture

Buck-I-Guy, Buckeye Man, Big Nutt....can't stand the sight of those 3 d-bags.  They are an embarrassment to Ohio State, themselves and their families.  I wish everyone would just ignore them so they would go away...stop taking pictures with them, stop letting them weasel their way to seats in front of the camera, and maybe even punch them in the face if you get the chance.


Sgt. Elias's picture

Yeah, camera whores, the whole lot. The Neutron Man on the other hand, was like everybody's favorite uncle who would make PG-13 jokes and sneak you sips of beer as a kid whilst explaining the beloved game

These two fat blobs of theatre grease paint, Mardi-Gras beads, and propeller hats really need to go back to footbaw school and learn how to Fan properly.  Buck-I-Guy looks okay from a far, strictly from a branding standpoint (I barfed a little typing that). I've heard he's a dick more than once, telling little kids to "shush away" and what not, trying to weasel free food/drink at tailgates, and seat crashing to get his stupid mug on-air.  And Finger-Guns? GTFO.

The Real Deal

"Okay -- I've got an El Camino full of rampage here." 

741's picture

100% agreed. Fat, drunk, and face painted is no way to go through life, son.

vidstudent's picture

Dear Sarah:  As one whom, due to off-campus student status, has little to no connection half the time (and the other half *should* involve school work...yeah....), copy and paste is your friend, assuming you have to put this into a form for submission.  If you can write into a .html format and then upload via FTP or somesuch, even better.  Looking up links to post will still be a pain (and the Skull Session demands linkage), but the actual writing itself will go uninterrupted.

Nicholas Eckert


BuckPirate1981's picture

Also if you could anchor your backlink to the css framework or FQDN while hypertexting your meta data to the permalink via simple object access protocol I would be able to fully enjoy your sports blog post, thank you.  And if you don't know what any of those terms meant either this should help you as you web log your void element so that we don't have to you know scroll or anything which would totally ruin our day.  

Sarah's picture

Any reason you're typing what an adult in a Peanuts cartoon would say?

Jason Priestas's picture

Ha. Everyone knows that SOAP sucks.

Joe Beale's picture


Last year I wrote a sarcastic version of this to make fun of Michigan. Enjoy.

thorvath22's picture

O captain! My captain! Is a good band....but everytime I see the name I think of captain hook...

BacknBlack's picture

How about a pic of Sarah, w/ or w/o the yoga pants?

OR do we have to wait until Eat Too Brutus to catch a glimpse?

elaydin's picture


This is the downside of having Sarah on 11W.

Jdadams01's picture

If the downside of Sarah is a couple guys saying they'd like to see her in yoga pants, then the upside of her humor and writing, not to mention her female viewpoint on everything, is totally worth it.

Although, that is a selfish view on my part. Sarah, if you don't think it's worth it I recant my statement.

Sarah's picture

Appreciate it. I had no idea my go-to comfortable pants would bring so many comments. It doesn't bother me, though. I've dealt with far creepier.

yrro's picture

Dude, we all love Sarah, but show some class.

BuckPirate1981's picture

Reading the game week presser in bed I rolled over and w the pervasive thought that... something was missing. Something wasn't right. So i walked to my closet and knew what the empty feeling in my heart was as I took out my gray sweater vest, laying it next to me, knowing then that... things would never be the same. We miss you, Coach Tressel.

Side note, can the NCAA reform their rule book already to include at least some semblance of a structure for penalties?  For example, NCAA, if I decide that o-m-g, I can't stand hearing a fat man saying with a jowel shaking cackle "We are M!ch!g@n!" or some variation thereof for the one bazilionth time and drive to Ann Arbor (is a whore) where I proceed to to assault and batter said individual, I know that I will receive a good 93 days in jail and a $500 fine.  If that assault then leads to serious injury (I would hope so), now its more a year in jail and $1000 I'm in the hole.  Given my assault would likely be intended to produce "great bodily harm," I would then be looking at 10 years and $5,000.  So on and so forth.  Of course I would never do such a thing, but rather, likely kidnap him forcing him to watch ESPN Classic (or C-Span I haven't decided yet) for hours on end while depriving him of his essential nutrients from McDonalds until he agreed that Ann Arbor is, indeed, a woman of loose morals and he again fit into a size 34 waist.  All well worth the penalty of life imprisonment and or a fine of $50,000.  At the least knowing its no worse what I did to him than what M!ch!g@n apparently inflicts on a regular basis to their poor children.  And no I don't mean (just) M!ch!g@n football.


Squirrel Master's picture

Damn Sarah! You almost make me want to follow someone on twitter.

Sucks about Comcast! They are a bunch of bastards. Pay a crapload of money and they can't keep their shit straight!

I won't be hoke-ing it up this saturday but I will watch the game then go off and do the best thing I can do to recruit a new member of the scarlet and gray! Expect some wedding O.H.I.O. pictures real soon!

I saw a UFO told me to have a goodyear!

Bucksfan's picture

Probably the worst cover of Power of Love that there will ever be.  Let's hope so, at least.

Matt M.'s picture

Someone will end up changing that '8' to a '9' or die trying. You cannot vacate wins over TSUN. That's blasphemy. 

I'm extremely disappointed that I can't find my #7 jersey anywhere. All other jerseys are in place. I don't know why the universe doesn't want me to support Jordan Hall at The Shoe this Saturday, but I won't be stopped. You can put that on the scarlet & gray hulk-hands 'beer me' guy.

I knew you guys would try to turn this into a sexual slugfest once we landed a female on the team. Don't worry, Sarah, I won't share your superhotyogapants picture with any of them. It's just you and me. 


German Buckeye's picture

Hey can we see PICS of our beloved 11W columnists - at least head shots?  I'd love to put a face to the column writers. 

BucksfanXC's picture

They should totally have a photo booth at E2B, and do a team photo, and a commentors team photo. Then we can all go into the photo booth and get new personalize avatars.

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

Sarah's picture

This doesn't satisfy your curiosity?

The Six Fingered Buckeye's picture

Ramzy is the one with the pipe, isn't he?

Please, be honest. This is for science.

Bobcat04's picture

Zabka did play a dude named Chaz in "Back to School".  Jeez, Sarah is good at obscure 80's movie references.  The "One of the Guys" one blew me away.  I hope we hire a grad assistant sometime named Jack Burton so she can really tee off on it!

BucksfanXC's picture

I remember watching Just One of the Guys and seeing boobs in a movie for the first time.

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

GoBucks713's picture

sweep the leg johnny, just don't do it during the triple lindy.

-The Aristocrats!

Riggins's picture

Good Lord... Yoga pants got some of you neckbeards revved up. 

Girl Friday (Wednesday*), keep bringing the funny.

Riggins's picture

But Pumpkin Tea...Really?! Ew. 


klfeck's picture

So my company was acquired recently and no one really knows who has a job and how doesn't yet. With that going on I have a nightmare last night that I overslept and missed the season opener this coming Saturday. Actually woke myself up. I think I have a problem......



Proud parent of a Senior at The Ohio State University

acBuckeye's picture

Its ok, i've had nightmares of oversleeping and missing OSU games too. We are normal..... i think.

kc286496's picture

Sarah, you have officially supplanted Pat Conroy as my favorite author.  I'm updating my Facebook profile accordingly as we speak.  Plus, you used "amalgamation" in a sentence, which is sexy as hell.