NICK SABAN SECRETLY A MILITARY ROBOT DESIGNED TO CHEW ASS
Fans of the Alabama Crimson Tide were in for a shock on Thursday when investigative reporters in the payroll of massively successful and not at all troubled ESPN revealed they'd uncovered secret documents that were obtained legally and not at all by a very illegal break-in and entry of the Saban residence, documents that seemed to suggest that not only was Nick Saban (seen above in the photo showing no emotion at all after winning a National Championship) not born in Fairmont, West Virginia, but that he isn't even human. The documents purport to come from a 1950s government project by the name of Project Honey It's a Been a Long Day Get Me My Pipe and Newspaper (Project HIBLDGMMPN for short) and outline a canceled proposal to create a legion of highly efficient androids that would infiltrate households across the country and "chew ass" in the name of fighting International Communism. The androids would replace the household's husband and father and assume their duties. At even the merest signs of socialist inclinations among the children, the androids would launch into "ass-chew" mode and ruthlessly berate and verbally abuse them until such time as the children became emotionally numb and agreed to enlist in the United States Marine Corps. The signs that would trigger the ass-chewing mode included but were not limited to: saluting the American flag with only one finger, not saying prayers before bed, eating cereal without milk, joining a socialist poetry club, growing a goatee, suggesting women should be allowed to work outside of the home, and using French words in conversation.
Why Nick Saban was able to escape the secret government facility where he was created or why he has eluded detection for so long are both mysteries, but Alabama Crimson Tide fans should expect the search for their next coach to commence shortly as Saban is surely to disappear into the dark underground repository from whence he came.
EZEKIEL ELLIOTT SCANDAL WATCH--ZEKE WEARS SOCKS WITH SANDALS
On Friday morning news broke that should finally destroy Ezekiel Elliott's career and leave him penniless and insane and reviled by all, wandering like a windtossed Walmart plastic bag through the streets of Dallas. TMZ reports (with photos incoming as soon as they can touch them up for maximum outrage) that Ezekiel Elliott was spotted wearing socks with sandals, the ultimate fashion faux pas from which there is no return, no redemption. Until we can figure out why we are so fixated on Ezekiel Elliott we will continue to follow him until we can hound him into an early suicide, or failing that force him to commandeer a yacht at gunpoint and pilot it into the cloud of poison mist that swirls above the sea between the Bahamas and Bermuda.
JT BARRETT CAN'T OPEN JAR OF PICKLES
In an incident that will no doubt only fan the flames of hatred among that contingent of Ohio State football fans who desire a pint jar of JT Barrett's blood on their desk, ostensible starting quarterback JT Barrett was reportedly unable to open a jar of pickles on his own and had to call up ostensible backup quarterback Dwayne Haskins to unlock that sealed vessel of sweet, sweet gherkins for him.
"But to clarify, that doesn't mean I have a weenie arm," JT Barrett said. "I just...my hands were really sweaty, and you know how sometimes you try to dry your hand off on a towel but the towel's wet too and then you try pouring hot water on the jar lid but that just makes your hand more wet and you just keep slipping and slipping and then before you know it your hand's all raw and chafed and you don't even want the damn pickles anymore but you gotta get them because you can't let the jar win so you call up your boy Dwayne and he helps you out and suddenly everyone's saying you got a weenie arm again."
