VEGAS GIVES BUCKEYES 7/1 ODDS OF BEING A FOOTBALL TEAM IN 2017
Today, the bookies in Las Vegas opened their golden vaults to allow the oddsmakers they have chained up to carrels to release their predictions and lines for the 2017 college football season. Among the more startling prognostications was the claim that the Ohio State Buckeyes enjoy a 7/1 chance of being a football team in the 2017 season.
"They got a program, they got a stadium, they got a coach, everything," said an insider who requested his name remain anonymous. "I hear they may even have players. Can you imagine?"
JT BARRETT ANNOUNCES RETURN IN 2018
Although the 2017 spring game has not even come yet, likely starting quarterback JT Barrett announced he will return for the 2018 season as the Buckeye's signal caller. When asked about his decision by the media, and whether he will even have eligibility, JT Barrett was a portrait of calm and certainty.
"Have I been here for what seems like 15 years? Sure. Have entire generations grown up, married off, grown old, and died while I've been in the pocket for the Buckeyes? Absolutely. Are there concerns about the consistency of my play? Sure. Is it possible that my throwing arm is actually made from a sausage-like material? 110%. But I don't give up. I don't let things like eligibility or my NFL future get in the way."
JT Barrett went on to promise he would break the 50,000 all purpose yard mark while with the Buckeyes, would win the college football playoff, and also the World Cup of Cricket, and furthermore that his triphop mixtape (featuring collaborations with the likes of Kendrick Lamar, Eminem, Katy Perry, and Neil Diamond) was dropping soon and that it would be "so dope" everyone else would go blind.
THAD MATTA CONFIRMS HE WILL CONTINUE ACCEPTING PAYCHECKS
Addressing uncertainty about whether or not he would remain as the Ohio State University men's basketball coach after a disappointing season that saw the Buckeyes fail to qualify for the NCAA tournament or even the NIT, Thad Matta allayed the concerns of many by confirming that he will continue drawing a large salary from the university.
"You don't have to worry," he said, as he looked around the press booth for the gum that had fallen out of his mouth. "As long as they send me my paychecks, I will continue cashing them."
JIM HARBAUGH CATCHES FISH; "THIS BIG"
Addressing an overstuffed room of reporters, Michigan football coach and "normal guy" Jim Harbaugh regaled the assemblage of journalists with a tale of how he once caught a fish that he swears was "this big" (he then held out his hands).
When certain members of the press contingent questioned him on the particulars of the fish, what bait he used, and whether it was prudent to go fishing in khakis, Harbaugh became belligerent, and said he was "bitterly disappointed" that the media doubted his story.
He then added that the fish in question was a magical one who granted wishes, but rather than accept the wish he filleted the fish and cooked its flesh on a smoked cedar plank, because, in his words: "Fish is a good source of protein, and wishes are for quitters who haven't complained to the right people."
