Let's Cheat!

By Johnny Ginter on July 8, 2014 at 11:00a

Mr. Burns: Tell me, Simpson, if an opportunity arose for taking a small short-cut, you wouldn't be averse to taking it, would you?

Homer: Hmm, not as such.

Mr. Burns: Neither would I. If you can take advantage of a situation in some way, it's your duty as an American to do it. Why should the race always be to the swift, or the Jumble to the quick-witted? Should they be allowed to win merely because of the gifts God gave them? Well I say, "Cheating is the gift man gives himself."

Homer: Mr. Burns, I insist that we cheat!

The Tour de France just started recently, and in all the world you will not find a greater example of a large group of athletes and teams just completely not giving any sort of a damn about the rules created to govern a sport. Started over 100 years ago, the Tour has been and will always be a competition rooted in pain, endurance, and seeing how much crap you can get away with over a period of several weeks without someone caring enough to snitch on you.

The second tour, in 1904, was one of the most scandalous. Riders were punished for skulduggery including taking shortcuts and using cars and trains. Others, such as race favourite Maurice Garin, were beaten up by their rivals' supporters. The following year saw nails being strewn on the course, a practice that continued for several more Tours.

Then followed decades of cocaine abuse and finally, steroids, HGH, and enough blood doping to launch a horse into orbit. This handy graph lays out just how many top cyclists have been busted in the Tour de France in recent years, and it'd be a little sad if it weren't so completely awesome. By the standards set forth by his peers, Lance Armstrong might really be the best athlete of all time, not in spite of his cheating, but because of it.

Anyway, I've been thinking. The last thing that Ohio State the football program was busted for was the equivalent of not putting enough change in the parking meter. FIFA president Sepp Blatter looks at Jim Tressel with awe and kills himself in ritual suicide, because he knows he'd never gaze on something as pure and innocent ever again.

So it's time to step up our game. Let's cheat! And not in some namby-pamby pay for play scheme, or selling shoes for discounts on tattoos, or fake internships or whatever. We'll use the worst and weirdest that college football has had to offer, and see how we might implement that here in ye olde Columbus town.

Cade McNown at UCLA is a pretty good trendsetter in the field of sexy cheating. Sometimes cheating doesn't have to be directly football-related to be fun, and the supreme dickishness of what McNown and several other teammates did was pretty terrific; they ended up with handicapped parking passes somehow and used them to deny the disabled citizens of southern California their rightful access to closer parking spots.

That's a level of cartoonish bro-wankery that fits in perfectly with my personal image of what a typical UCLA student acts like, but I think at OSU we can one up them. How about fake pregnancy bellies for skill position players so they can get into Giant Eagle more quickly? Maybe forge some documents claiming that half of the incoming 2015 class are Vietnam War veterans, and get their heath care covered by the VA (the VA being roughly as responsive to player health concerns as their universities typically are). I dunno, I'm just spitballing here.

Back in 2003, San Diego State got dinged for conducting offseason workouts in a sand pit. The NCAA report uses the word "sand" 13 times in their report, but again, I think we can do them one better. Just imagine if instead of "sand," the words "creamy Thousand Island dressing" were used. Or "lego bricks." Or "grapes with the skin peeled off so they feel like eyeballs."

With that said, I'm not sure that Ohio State can match the sheer ridiculousness of the University of North Carolina, which I'm not positive is actually a real college anymore and may in fact just be a front for a really misguided cigarette company. Literally hundreds of Tarheel student athletes were enrolled in dozens of classes that mostly didn't exist, which is pretty ballsy, but not as ballsy as a department chairman pretending to teach almost all of them.

Maybe the cabin is a metaphor...

I'm not suggesting that Ohio State completely tanks it's growing academic reputation, but there really isn't any reason that they can't dare the NCAA to do something by coming up with increasingly ridiculous classes taught by local crackpots. Why shouldn't there be a class about The Amazing Spider-Man, issues #142-175? How is it fair that out football Buckeyes don't have an in-depth understanding of the physics behind drinking out of a bendy straw? Can anyone truly succeed in life without getting acquainted with the history of the dutch oven? There should, it isn't, and you can't.

I'm also a pretty big fan of the infractions that Texas Tech got dinged with in 1998, part of which included the impressible allowance of football players to make long-distance calls on the dime of the university. That greatly amuses me, and to match that, OSU needs to find some archaic technology to abuse the hell out of. I personally recommend that Urban Meyer spares no expense in setting up a vast network of telegraph wires that feed directly into potential recruits' homes, and then spend the entire recruiting dead period teaching the football team Morse code. Another possibility is to turn Tracy Sprinkle into some kind of Mike Tysonish birdkeeper, and force him to train pigeons to send letters of recruitment in order to keep his scholarship.

There's really no reason why Ohio State shouldn't immediately begin getting started on all of this, especially because once you realize how long the NCAA's list of major infractions and punishment are, you start to understand that every season is an extended game of Russian roulette with the rules anyway. Plus, seeing as how selling personal property has forever lumped Ohio State football in with programs that have enabled literal murder and pedophilia, maybe we might as well embrace the role as a villain.

Or, maybe, we don't cheat? Maybe... the minor, ridiculous rules that the NCAA has could be relaxed, and schools with gargantuan athletic departments like Ohio State can focus on the really bad stuff while maybe letting an athlete have an extra buck or two in their pocket? Maybe we could do this in a sane, measured way that encourages compliance without the specter of ridiculous and uneven punishment hanging over our heads?


So let's cheat! It'll be fun as hell while it lasts, and even if we're being 99% compliant, in the end we're a big fish in a small pond that NCAA fishing rods would love to land. You might as well go whole hog, because there isn't a whole lot of incentive not to right now.


Comments Show All Comments

spqr2008's picture

That cartoon is amazing, as are most of Goofy's how to do things cartoons.

+4 HS
tennbuckeye19's picture

Years ago I read a piece in SI on the topic of cheating in sports. The basic idea was this:

They say there's only 2 things guaranteed in life: death and taxes. 

But every day we hear stories about people who cheat death; surviving car accidents, health scares, and etc. And we frequently hear stories about people who cheat on their taxes; from small businesses to big time celebrities.

Conclusion: The only thing that's really guaranteed in life is cheating...

+4 HS
Chief B1G Dump's picture

I am into sports for pure entertainment, as are 99.9% of folks (except owners, GMs, a few others)....sports for the average citizen is not the board room at Ernst & Young.  With that being said, I love when athletes are crazy, get busted for partying, arrested, use steroids, cheat, whatever as long as its entertaining.  And its always entertaining when someone is doing something crazy as long as its not someone on your team.

You ALWAYS end up looking like an idiot when you put players/teams on a pedestal and act like they're perfect.  Sports, just like society, operate in so many shades in between black and white.  Sports Illustrated wouldnt even be in business if it werent for all of the cheating and craziness associated with sports.  Trying to gain in advantage on the next guy, with your livelihood and/or millions of dollars on the line, is a genetic trait in the extremely competitive guys that make it to the pros, which is why they got there in the first place.

Cheat away and cheat smart....just dont' get caught, at least until the statute of limitations expires or your career does, whichever comes first.

-3 HS
11UrbzAndSpices's picture

Didn't we already see an article about joining the $ECheat...

"Quit skipping leg day bro" - Dr James Andrews

+1 HS
BierStube's picture

One can do the obvious cheat

or one can just use the force

"No matter where you go, there you are." B. Banzai

+10 HS
Earle's picture

I'm just really curious as to how blood doping can launch a horse into orbit.  Could platelets be the, er, green energy of the future?

Have you tried Not Your Father's Root Beer?  It tastes just like the real thing, but it packs a punch (5.9%ABV).  It's a little sweet for me though.  Two is my limit.

+1 HS
Zimmy07's picture

Maybe the oxygen added to the blood?

Run_Fido_Run's picture
Fusaichi Pegasus won the Kentucky Derby in 2000. Let's be honest - that stud was probably doped sometime during his two or three-year old racing campaign. According to Greek legend, horses named Pegasus can fly. Hence, the blood-doped Fusaichi Pegasus could potentially have launched himself into orbit.
Mystery solved.
+3 HS
Doc's picture

I think we need to sprinkle itching powder into the uniforms of our visitors.  Let's not forget about the BasketBucks, they can line the soles of their shoes with Flubber.

CJDPHoS Member

The Official DDS of 11W

+1 HS
Boxley's picture

Clever, I see how you worked in Sprinkle and powder into that! Nice, current topical dig. ;)

"...the man who really counts in the world is the doer, not the mere critic-the man who actually does the work, even if roughly and imperfectly, not the man who only talks or writes about how it ought to be done." President T. Roosevelt

+2 HS
cplunk's picture

I'm a fan of using the avenues already established as acceptable.

For example, I'd like to pay Oregon to pay a scouting service to get us a particular player. It is already established that when Oregon does this there is no violation.

I'd also like to pay North Carolina to hire tutors to write papers for our players. Again, established as no violation.

Most importantly, I'd like to donate money to Auburn University with the understanding that they will in turn donate to a recruit's father's church or other family member, and let the recruit know it is from us. Again, no violation.

All these things would likely be major violations if we did them, but paying schools that have already been cleared to do them- subcontracting our cheating, if you will- we can avoid that issue. 

+22 HS
bleedscarlet's picture

Or we could just hire Nick "nothing to see here" Saban and call it a day...

Slingin' swag since 1970


+3 HS
MikeTheBuckeye's picture

I'm sure there's something to learn from the likes of Alabama and TAMU. How dare they hide their secrets?! At least James Franklin was kind enough to tell us how he reeled in all his recruits.

Menexenus's picture

Loved this one, Johnny:

...the sheer ridiculousness of the University of North Carolina, which I'm not positive is actually a real college anymore and may in fact just be a front for a really misguided cigarette company. 

Nice work.

Real fans stay for Carmen.

+6 HS
AndyVance's picture

I got a kick out of that too; I especially love that one of the Google Ads serving via 11W for me lately is about UNC's online MBA program, including a tagline something along the lines of "The MBA Program You Probably Can't Get Into." I thought to myself, "Yeah, but once I'm in, do I really have to take the classes????"

+1 HS
Zimmy07's picture

How about we cheat within the rules?

I'd give $50 every year towards an Ohio State's Offensive Linemen Graduation Gift Trust fund that gives them a hefty graduation present when they graduate from Ohio State (with no remaining athletic eligibility).  Now imagine if 1 million other OSU fans did the same thing.  I bet OSU's 3rd string Offensive line would be better than every other team in the country.

+2 HS
TresselourgodUrbanoursavior's picture

If you ain't cheatin', you ain't tryin

+1 HS
daytonbuckeye's picture

And if you get caught, you weren't trying hard enough. 

3 85 yards and a cloud of dust.

Horvath22's picture

Great job, Johnny. You are just too much.

BTBuckeye's picture

It's all about the carrier pigeon during no contact periods

"If the NCAA catches wind of this....all we have to do is fire the bird"

+1 HS
Weatherdaddy's picture

If, when caught, the bird claims it "just didn't know who to tell", we can always slap it with a 5-year 'show cause'. 

12 year old scotch? Great, I'll get out my 6 year old glasses and have a double!

+1 HS
bleedscarlet's picture

On this subject matter, is there something stopping OSU from hiring tattoo artists to teach classes and use athletes in "demonstrations"? Maybe throw in a regular student here and there to keep it on the "up and up" ;)

A response to this would be cool, I've often wondered about it....

Slingin' swag since 1970


+2 HS
Zimmy07's picture

noun: cosmetology

the professional skill or practice of beautifying the face, hair, and skin.

(AND SKIN!)  http://salonschools.com/ohio-state-school-of-cosmetology

Cosmetology schools almost always offer very discounted rates.  I think I found a work around!

exnwohiobuckfan's picture

Or just make it an art class

BTBuckeye's picture

5 Words: Woody Hayes Jet Ski Facility

"Three things happen when you recruit with Jet Ski's and none of them are bad" - Woody Hayes


+15 HS
Poison nuts's picture

Bro-wankery! Still laughing - probably will be for hours. Maybe not non stop for hours, but whenever it pops in my head - a chuckle will ensue...bro-wankery!!!

"Do not pass me, just slow down - I can move right through you" Superchunk - Precision Auto.

+1 HS
DC-town's picture

UNC...how were they not crucified for having fake classes?  On an institutional level, blatantly fabricating classes with no possible rational explanation or defense.  That one still baffles me how nothing has been done.

Oregon is number 2 due to the paper trail-

'Piss excellence' -RB

yrro's picture

It's because any student could take those fake classes, not just the athletes!

+1 HS
yrro's picture

The actual physics behind a bendy straw require several super-computers worth of calculations to determine.

THEOSUfan's picture

I was always told: "Be good... or be good at it."  I get caught when I misbehave, so I just try to be good.  But there are those who are "good at it".  Knock yourself out.  At the end of the day, we are talking about college football, not Middle East peace.

That said, rules set the limits for acceptable behavior.  I'd recommend going right up to that line, taking advantage of every legitimate opportunity the rules allow.  The truth is that many programs stop well short of the line because of fear or laziness.  Example?  Urban Meyer recruits players who are committed to other schools until they tell him to stop recruiting them.  He should keep doing that, and those that won't do it (Bert and the like) can be a bunch of sniveling whiners when their commit goes to Ohio State.

Shangheyed's picture

Can't wait for the season to start...

+2 HS
Johnny Ginter's picture

i made it my goal that someone would make this exact comment on each and every one of my posts this summer. so far so good

OnlyOne's picture

Laughed harder reading this than the article,  which was very funny.  One thing, you forgot about was signing things in hotel room for a convicted felons like Johnny "Miley Cyrus" Mantzel.

+2 HS
brunstar's picture

I'm looking forward to the 11W article on the unethical practice of oversigning.

Buckeyeneer's picture

OSU needs to find some archaic technology to abuse the hell out of

An abacus for every math class? . . . . Actually anyone who can still remember how to use one should get a free college credit just for that.

"Because the rules won't let you go for three." - Woody Hayes

THE Ohio State University

Burnsy's picture

Not sure where the comment went but anyhow, it was the great Jesse the Body Ventura who said, "Win if you can. Lose if you must, but always cheat." 

+1 HS
jamesrbrown322's picture

We need to do whatever Kentucky is doing to lure Damien Harris.

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." - Winston Churchill

MikeTheBuckeye's picture

We're not cheating already? Who would have thought it possible, being a perennial powerhouse and all?

+1 HS
KBonay's picture

Can't we just over-sign like the rest of them & call it a day?

+1 HS