You Just Made the List

By Johnny Ginter on May 27, 2014 at 11:00a
45 Comments


Moe: No, it's true. I got their names written down right here on what I call my, uh, "enemies list." [reaches under the bar for a sheet of paper]

Barney: [takes list and reads it] Jane Fonda, Daniel Shore, Jack Anderson ... Hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list. You just crossed out his name and put yours.

Moe: Okay, gimmie that, gimmie it back. [takes list] [writes] Barney Gumble.

Barney: Oh.

Something bad happened last season. Taylor Lewan left Michigan.

In a macro sense I don't have a problem with that development, mainly because Taylor Lewan is/was a turd, and more importantly a talented turd who played for our foremost rival. On the flip side of this, however, Ohio State fans no longer have a central figure to fixate on a direct all of their hate towards. This could end up being a significant problem.

One of the central theses of my Grand Unified Theory Of Being A Football Fan In The Big Ten is that B1G football fans are powered through an unholy combination of bratwurst and hate. Without a central figure to fixate on and psychically direct large amounts of hate and vitriol toward, B1G football fans eventually collapse into a black hole singularity of sadness and depression, from which no light can ever escape (Bloominton).

So when Taylor Lewan left Michigan, I began to panic a little. Who would I make snide remarks about whenever I didn't have a real point to make but still wanted to slam the team that I hate? Who would be my convenient go-to scapegoat for all the ills of the world when I don't have the time or motivation to actually figure out what those ills are? Who would be there to stand around with crappy tattoos and a smug, incredibly punchable look on his face as he explained to a reporter about how important friendship and his teammates are, given that he was alleged to have done some seriously messed up stuff in protection of a teammate who possibly did some horrible crap?

Obviously I had gotten pretty good at this as far as Lewan is concerned, but to overcome his leaving, I had to turn to a page from the Michigan playbook. All college football fans are good at creating villains out of thin air, but Wolverine fans are particularly adept at it. For example, their hatred of Jim Tressel was completely understandable given his overall record against their team, but instead of simply hating him on the basis of that, Michigan fans have elevated Tressel to the level of some kind of football Attila the Hun combined with the love child of Jack Abramoff and Gordon Gekko, when really he was more a fairly boring micromanager who made a really stupid decision to lie to the NCAA.

"That pig had some powerful friends."

But reality doesn't matter that much when you're mad, and using a very specific criteria (Michigan football player, on their current roster, did something bad, did something less bad to Ohio State which we'll fixate on instead) we'll target a Michigan player who we can fixate on for all eternity, or at least until he leaves the team.

Step On Up, Graham Glasgow!

Congrats Graham! You are now the target of our ire, deserved or not!

To be fair, you probably do deserve it. You were just suspended from the Michigan football team for "a violation of team expectations," which turned out to be an OVI instead of you not making your bed or something, which is what "a violation of team expectations" sounds like rather than a broken law that could've led to someone being killed.

Brady Hoke quickly swung down the axe on the career of Glasgow, giving him an unprecedented one game suspension which might somewhat irritate the player who was thought to be Hoke's starting center going into the season. Ever the disciplinarian, Hoke refused to be swayed by the fact that the team Graham is suspended for is Appalachian State, which is some seriously bad juju on his part.

But is that really enough? I mean, look, what he's accused of doing is admittedly really messed up, but is that really enough reason to hate on the guy? Everybody makes mistakes, it's part of the human experience. You can't really expect a guy to go through life and not accidentally beat someone half to death in a parking lot, or punch a woman in the face, or drink and drive. Things like that just happen, and for us to vilify Glasgow for this one, small-

Glasgow is a 6-foot-6, 303-pound redshirt sophomore from Aurora, Ill. He did not have any FBS offers coming out of Marmion Academy in 2011, according to Rivals, but did originally agree to become a preferred walk-on at Ohio State before "flipping" to Michigan.

...

But it could be the walk-on Glasgow who lands in the starting lineup this fall. He played in five games last season as a reserve, and star left tackle Taylor Lewan spoke highly of his development.

YEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS. Screw putting lives in danger, Glasgow. You made the horrible mistake of spurning The Ohio State University, and given that you could've shored up our offensive line corps but instead defected to the enemy and then got praise from He Who Shall Not Be Named pretty much seals the deal. You not have a gigantic target on your back going into next season.

OVIs, DUIs, etc., are all horrible and generally serve to make you a bad person. But the thing is that football fans in general will suffer a horrible person as long as they're good at what they do, even if they're fans of a rival team. Ray Rice, Ben Roethlisberger, Jeremy Hill, and on and on are all bad, bad people, but their issues with the law and treating other human beings with respect are mostly just background noise to the fact that OOOOOO DANGIT I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY SAID THAT ABOUT [insert favorite team here].

So Graham. You are the worst! Just the worst. You thought that you could hide by merely getting arrested for being behind the wheel of a vehicle while intoxicated, but the day that you rejected preferred walk-on status with the Buckeyes you sealed your fate. Pray for mercy from the Michigan penal system, for Ohio State fans will have none!

Until you graduate.

45 Comments

Comments

Buckabroad's picture

Cool article. I think Peppers has the potential to be a great villan in the (near) future. He seems to be that kind of show-off, loudmouth, self-entitled, insanely arrogant type that one normally would associate with TTUN. The fact that he is a greatly talented player, quite intelligent and spurned OSU will mkae us hate him all the more.

"The minute we stop expecting greatness, we become Wisconsin."

+8 HS
Earle's picture

Well, there is that other offensive lineman, but I can't remember his name (something about blood, but it just reminds me of Lewan's bloody face), so maybe not...

Italics are for emphasis.

+1 HS
buck-I.8's picture

Yeah but I think we're talking about players that are actually allowed off the bench 

+3 HS
BroJim's picture

"Why dont we give him to Mongo?!"

I season my simple food with hunger

+4 HS
lamplighter's picture

Up vote for Blazing Saddles quote

+1 HS
BierStube's picture

 

"No matter where you go, there you are." B. Banzai

+10 HS
Osurrt's picture

How come you can't see a seat under Brady on that bike?

+2 HS
NuttyBuckeye's picture

Wow - a one-game suspension for a DUI!??  Really??  And against a team they lost to, once...

Easy there Fat Joke-Hoke, let's not teach them a lesson....

Marc Pocock (a.k.a NuttyBuckeye)

What's round on the ends and high in the middle? Tell me if you know!

+2 HS
ISURVIVEDCOOPER's picture

The offseason is soooo long....

"I don't apologize for anything.  When I make a mistake, I take the blame and go on from there." - Woody Hayes

+1 HS
spacemonkey57's picture

and dark and full of terrors.

+5 HS
Ahh Saturday's picture

I nominate Kyle "There Will be Blood" Kalis for the enemies list, if he ever cracks the starting line up. 

+13 HS
Earle's picture

Take your pick:

 

Italics are for emphasis.

+20 HS
M Man's picture

See that?  Dontre started it.  I rest my case.  Thank you for the video.

-10 HS
Earle's picture

Ha!  You know, I almost nominated you for this honor.  Players come and go, but M Man endures.  I guess it's true that you should always go with your first instinct.

Italics are for emphasis.

+8 HS
BuckeyeSouth's picture

Yep, the person on my list is Royce Jenkins-Stone, #52 who ripped Dontre's helmet off.  Not sure if he's even still around but he'll be on my list forever.  Totally classless act.

Embrace it.

+4 HS
IGotAWoody's picture

They are gonna PAY for this, next year! This is the kind of horse shit that motivates a team to destroy you, and the Bucks are gonna be bringing some major juice based on this assault alone. 

 - License to kill gophers (wolverines, badgers, etc) by the government of the United Nations

+4 HS
NuttyBuckeye's picture

On the Tressel situation, I did ALOT of reading on that when it all broke.  Poor JT was caught between a rock and a hard place.  On one hand, he was told by the Feds that the tatoo parlor in question was under investigation by the Federal government and some of his players' may be involved.  On the other hand, the NCAA was requesting information about the same matter.  Tressel was told by a lawyer or Federal agent (cannot remember which) not to talk about the incident.  So, he either lies to the NCAA to stay out of trouble with the Federal government, or breaks his silence to give the NCAA the testimony they need and get in trouble with the Feds...

I think Tressel made the right choice.  But unfortunately to the rest of the world, he looks like he lied.

Marc Pocock (a.k.a NuttyBuckeye)

What's round on the ends and high in the middle? Tell me if you know!

+4 HS
pcg396's picture

The lengths Tressel acolytes will go to defend their fallen idol is astounding.  If your questionable scenario is, in fact, true, it would have been a relatively simple matter for Tressel's attorney to back channel with the NCAA relative to the federal investigation and mitigate his client's liability.  Sorry, but, per the 'choices' of the new YSU prez are concerned -- what you see is what you get.

Scottsdale Buckeye

-10 HS
bedheadjc's picture

That's a gross mischaracterization and a horrible rationalization of the incident. You are asserting that at no point in the process could Tressel have spoken to either of the other parties and mentioned that he was in a bind. He couldn't have spoken to the Feds and said "Hey, may I speak to the NCAA in a confidential manner so that I don't possibly destroy my university's football program"? Or have gone to the NCAA and asserted that there might be some shady dealings with the players but they'd have to talk to the Feds to get the details?

Where have you read that the Feds, or "a lawyer", told him to speak to no one about the goings on at the parlor?

Haven't we all come to realize JT just flat out lied to either protect the program or his players?

EDIT: What PCG said^^^^

-7 HS
spqr2008's picture

I read a lot of the source documents that the NCAA had to determine his culpability, and from a legal standpoint, Tressel could've very easily obstructed justice by speaking truthfully to the NCAA.  Now, logically, what most of us would do, if we were thinking rationally by that point (and I won't claim I would've thought rationally by that point, given my responsibility as coach of the players involved with the target of a Federal investigation), we would simply ask the Feds what we can say to the NCAA to avoid getting the program into trouble and not derail their investigation.  They might have let Tressel talk about some of it, but the problem is, any withholding of information from the NCAA would have inevitably resulted in the same firestorm that consumed him, due to the appearance of a cover up.  Therefore, he had a choice; break the law and obstruct a Federal investigation, resulting in possible prison time, or shut up to the NCAA, which by the way, does not have guns and SWAT teams on stand by.  I'm going to go with what the guys with guns say most of the time, because only they have the right to subject me to due process and take my life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness away.  The NCAA may take part of that pursuit of happiness away (job, ability to coach, scholarships to offer), but it can't realistically hurt me in any proportion to the Federal government.

+7 HS
bedheadjc's picture

Please review PCG's comment.
 

-8 HS
My2Sons's picture

Wow.  What a bunch of bull.

-3 HS
NuttyBuckeye's picture

JC - there is another Ohio State web site that shall remain nameless that had documents given to them by a lawyer that is pretty good friends with a staff writer.  That is where I read this.

If you were put in the same position, what would YOU have done?

Marc Pocock (a.k.a NuttyBuckeye)

What's round on the ends and high in the middle? Tell me if you know!

buckguyfan1's picture

They all suck.  Every fricking one of them.  Suck. I'm serious, they suck.

+5 HS
jamesrbrown322's picture

 The French don't like me saying "Axis of Evil." So, guess what, now France is on the Axis of Evil. How ya like them apples?

 

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." - Winston Churchill

+8 HS
The Butler's picture

As long as it took to expel Brendan Gibbons, I figured that Graham got this OVI while in Jr. High, not May 19th. 

I've trained Canaries in the sport of falconry.

 

+2 HS
M Man's picture

I've got a little list.  Of society offenders who never would be missed.

  • Pestilential nuisances who write for autographs;
  • People who have flabby hands and irritating laughs;
  • Persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that;
  • The people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face;
  • The lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy;
  • All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life;
  • Apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind;
  • Dontre Wilson.

The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you.
But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list,
For they'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed! 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CyZu7mQt18Q

 

-10 HS
InvertMyVeer's picture

Just curious (and I'm really not looking to rehash the who started it debate that I doubt we'll ever see eye to eye on) but why would you hate Dontre Wilson other than the fact he plays for OSU? It's not like he burned you guys in that game and you can't hate the guy for defending himself, he did what any other Buckeye would have done in that scenario. Here's to hoping he gives you a couple good reasons to hate him this year :)

Football is complicated...

+1 HS
Scarlet_Lutefisk's picture

Blaming the victim is part of M Man's shtick.

+2 HS
M Man's picture

Oh I don't hate Dontre.  The whole thing was an unfortunate blight on a very good game.  It could have been so much worse.  We could have (and probably should have) lost Jake Ryan in that silly fight.  You could have (and probably should have) lost Braxton.  Just think of the consequences.  It never should have escalated.  It was all a bad deal.

But I honestly do think that the Michigan guys surrounding Dontre were responding to Dontre's running over Dennis Norfleet (Norfleet -- one of Michigan's most chippy, notorious trash-talkers -- was himself seemingly unconcerned about it as he ran off the field with his back to the melee).  It was all a bit weird.  I've said many times before; I wish it had never happened and I wish that nobody had been ejected and both sides are lucky that many more stars of the game didn't get kicked out.

I was really checking to see how many of the Buckeye faithful knew the libretto to The Mikado.

+1 HS
BoFuquel's picture

I hate everything about The Other Th'Hurteen and it takes nothin' to arise my ire against any of'em. GO BUCKS!

I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.

+2 HS
CTBuckeyeFan's picture

Dymonte Thomas comes to mind, but he can never be a legit villain.  After watching Braxton punk him during the scuffle last year, the best Dymonte can be is Scott Evil.  Not sure who the Dr Evil of that team would be, Gardner maybe?

I know who their #1 henchman is though:

 

+5 HS
IH8UOFM's picture

If that game is decided by an errant snap, causing App. State to gain possession at the end of the game.......

 

+2 HS
RBuck's picture

OK with me Johnny; but I don't really need a reason.

"It's just another case of there you are". ~ Doc (1918-2012)

+2 HS
FitzBuck's picture

You had me at the Simpsons reference.

Fitzbuck | Toledo - Ohio's right armpit | "A troll by any other name is still a troll".

jamesrbrown322's picture

Now YOU'RE on our list!

 

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." - Winston Churchill

+2 HS
ScarletNGrey01's picture

With Taylor Lewan gone who at UM will be the enforcer ... you know ... the guy who threatens to rape a girl if the girl wants to press charges against any member of their football team???

The will to win is not as important as the will to prepare to win. -- Woody Hayes

+2 HS
CentralFloridaBuckeye's picture

Let the hate flow!  Graham Glasgow is now a marked man!!  Joey Bosa and the D-Line will be ready to attack come November!  I almost feel sorry for Graham....no I don't!!! ha ha

 

GOOMBAY's picture

But where would Graham fall on Homer's revenge list?

1. Bill of Rights; 2. Grandpa; 3. Fat Free lard; 4. Gravity; 5. Emmys; 6. Darwin; 7. H2Whoa!; 8. Billy Crystal; 9. God; 10. Soloflex; 11. The Boy; 12. Stern Lecture Plumbing; 13. ECONO Save...

http://simpsons.wikia.com/wiki/Homer's_Revenge_List

+1 HS
PoKeY21's picture

The downvotes on this site have become ridiculous. Oh I don't like what u have to say so instead of articulating an argument myself i will just dv and then it becomes monkey see monkey do.

When my time on earth is gone, and my activities here are passed, I want they bury me upside down, and my critics can kiss my ass - Robert Knight

+1 HS
InvertMyVeer's picture

Where's the lighten up Francis gif when you need it :) Don't take it to heart Pokey, besides complaining about DVs is like saying "Please, can I have some more?"

Football is complicated...

+1 HS
ghalephoto's picture

If you are saying the down votes are due to trolls just hitting the down vote instead of reading the post.  I say bull, and by saying bull, that means the person has read the post and has chosen the RIGHT to cast a down vote on said article.  OH MY GOD, take your ball and go home already.

 

-1 HS
PoKeY21's picture

Go look through the comments of this very article. There was a discussion about Tres above that seemed to be well thought out and just opinions by both people who got DVd into oblivion. Then just below it a reasonably funny post from a scUM native that got DVd out too probably just because of the profile pic. DVs should be reserved for personal attacks or spammers not because you don't agree with someone's opinion! Make your own case if you think someone's viewpoint is wrong dont act like a baby by DVing and running away, that's just chickenshit.

When my time on earth is gone, and my activities here are passed, I want they bury me upside down, and my critics can kiss my ass - Robert Knight

+1 HS