Happy Birthday, From Me to You

By Johnny Ginter on July 10, 2013 at 2:00p
21 Comments
Now we can match!

Boy, what a great year that was, huh Urban?

We did so much together, didn't we? Beating Michigan, going undefeated, being accused of fostering an environment where a future alleged murderer could grow a criminal empire... pretty much everything your little head could've possibly dreamed up!

But that was back when you were 48. You're 49 now, practically a grown up already! Pretty soon you'll be getting your own car, asking girls out on dates to the malt shop, and maybe even one day we might let you watch an R rated movie (as long as it isn't by that horrible Woody Allen).

But let's not get ahead of ourselves and forget why we're here today. Happy birthday, lil' Urbz! All of your Ohio State related dreams have come true, and with the possible exception of a few loose ends to tie up, such as crushing Nick Saban into a fine pulp or beating an inexplicably resurgent Lane Kiffin in the BCS title game, you are sitting in your stocking feet atop the scarlet and gray bouncy castle that is your world these days.

But, seeing as how it is your birthday, I figured we could make a few suggestions for gifts that your friends and family might be willing to help you out with to make this day even more fun-filled than it already is. Enjoy!

A CERTIFICATE ENTITLING THE BEARER TO ONE HOUR OF UTTER RAGE

Ever since you signed the "pink contract," Urban, your approach to life and football and family seems to have taken a positive turn. You're enjoying things now, look healthy, and seem happier than you have been in years, which must be tearing you up inside.

I know you, Urban. You are fueled by Red Bull and hatred. Your offseason smile belies a man that functions best when angry at the entire world; a bitter, furious husk of a human. So said certificate will enable you, for one hour, to become the living embodiment of pain and fury. Send sarcastic texts to Pat Fitzgerald, scream at Tom Herman, make fun of Braxton Miller's shoes, whatever. Just as long as you get a little taste of the pure metal fury that once coursed through your veins.

For one hour. Then it's back to Denny's buffet and fishing in South Dakota for you, mister!

A list of every person of ill repute who has ever interacted in any way with various sportswriters throughout the country

Probably a better giftHooray!

Let's be honest, Urban. You let Aaron Hernandez allegedly kill multiple people. It is 100% your fault. Had you been paying attention, you probably could've stopped 9/11 and caught Osama a lot faster than it ended up taking. That's just a personal shame that you're going to have to live with.

But since we live in a world where everyone is personally responsible for the actions of every person they interact with, even many years after the fact, we decided to give you a big ol' list of sportswriters/ESPN personalities/assorted morons who are totally complicit in a wide range of Really Bad Things (tm) because of a passing acquaintanceship. It gets really fun when we get to the Mike Tyson section.

A rub on tattoo that says "HOT DOG" and has a picture of a sweaty dog on it

For fashion.

A 37 minute video consisting of Brady Hoke slowly eating his way through a large pepperoni pizza from Papa John's

In case you'd like to try out that motivational technique from A Clockwork Orange where you tape your player's eyes open and force them to relive this dozens of times over a 72 hour period. Alternatively: a video that gives a guided tour through the football facilities of any random Division III school in the country.

A 15-20 second long life-affirming message from Jimmy Buffet, left on the answering machine of your choice to be preserved for all eternity

I think it's kind of cute that you're going through your Jimmy Buffet phase! Maybe once you get a little older and wiser you'll realize that you weren't so much into Cheeseburger in Paradise as much as your friends were, and you just wanted to be cool. But for now, I'll be right there with you, singing such hits as "Why Don't We Get Drunk" and "third Jimmy Buffet song you are probably aware of."

So we decided it'd be nice if we could get Mr. Cool Shades Soakin' Up Rays himself to leave you a little inspiration on your answering message. Maybe a little something to encourage you to be the Jimmy Buffet of the college football world. Wouldn't that be great?

Tim Tebow's real number

Bad news, little guy. The life of an NFL player is pretty hard! You've got so many commitments and responsibilities that sometimes it just gets hard keeping track of them all, and things like keeping in touch with old college coaches just gets too hard sometimes. So, Urban, that's why it's hard to tell you that you've really been communicating with 19 year old Adam Welsh for the past 15 months, an asthmatic intern from Brown hired by Tebow to handle his social media requests and casual internet hookups.

But not after today, because today is the day where you get Tebow's real cell number, the phone that he uses swear words on and sends semi-frequent drunken texts to Verne Lundquist with.

A lovely cheese pizza... just for you!

Honestly, before you came I was truly afraid that the Ohio State football program was headed down a dark path, with a road that ended up somewhere between Iowa and Virginia Tech. Probably a little hyperbolic, but a 6-7 season and a bowl ban will do that to a man.

Instead, we got incredible recruiting classes, great coaches, an undefeated season, made pretty much everyone we can't stand mad in some way or an other (the most precious jewel of all), while at the same time slowly coming to the understanding that yeah, our head football coach isn't a little porcelain mouse that will shatter at the faintest sign of stress. Overall coach, I think your 48th year went exceptionally well and your 49th looks even brighter. Enjoy the pie.

You earned it.

21 Comments

Comments

German Buckeye's picture

Hope this year is better for you Urban than last year - that would certainly be something. 

cronimi's picture

That's a tall order, but one we would all enjoy. And if it happens, happy birthday to all of us!!

Buckeyeneer's picture

A lovely cheese pizza, . . . is that a Home Alone reference? Loved this article. The token off season silliness I've come to expect from Johnny!

"Because the rules won't let you go for three." - Woody Hayes

THE Ohio State University

hail2victors9's picture

Honestly, if you're going to throw in the Hoke fat joke, at least be realistic.  There is no way that pizza could remain in tact for 37 min.
I've thrown down large Papa John's pies in less than 20.  Journalists, these days.  SMH

Those who stay will be CHAMPIONS!

~Bo Schembechler

Boxley's picture

My thoughts exactly, no way any pizza would last 37 minutes in front of Hoke, unless he pulls off one of his usual "Choke" moves.

"...the man who really counts in the world is the doer, not the mere critic-the man who actually does the work, even if roughly and imperfectly, not the man who only talks or writes about how it ought to be done." President T. Roosevelt

southernstatesbuckeye's picture

No, 37 minutes for the Hoke segment was exactly what it was.  I was there, and assisted in the production of the piece.  We experimented with a new technological marvel called "Woah-Mo-Super-Slo-Mo". It is an incredibly innovative tool that slows a 27 frame a second video clip into ONE frame per minute...and then fills in the time gap with digital reverse-looping animation!
I know.  Wild, huh?
So our apologies for not making that clear at the outset. 
The video clip, in reality, lasted about a second and a half, as we suspected it would, and was more to the normal pace of a Hokely ingested large pepperoni pizza. 
It might be hard to believe, but dudes, we had to don portable oxygen equipment because of the alarmingly rapid depletion of breathable air in the vicinity (a new phenomenon we've dubbed the "Hoke Effect") when the man is near food.  Sooooo weeeee!
It is accompanied by an annoyingly loud (and familiar) sucking sound.
Johnny is convinced it was coming from the north.  I couldn't tell exactly, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt on it.
Anyway, hope I cleared up the confusion. 
Or at least cleared the confusion up.
 
 

pjtobin's picture

The difference is we buckeyes are used to doing things fast. Just look at our team. Fast kids, fast plays, fast coaches. SCum, not so much. It would take hoke ten mins to get to the table to eat. Then he would need a huddle just to see what kind of pizza it was he was eating. Very sloooowwwww. 

Bury me in my away jersey, with my buckeye blanket. A diehard who died young. Rip dad. 

Phillips.449's picture

Pretty cool!  I didn't realize that I shared a birthday with Urban Meyer!!!  I knew I liked that guy for some reason!
 

pjtobin's picture

Happy Birthday!

Bury me in my away jersey, with my buckeye blanket. A diehard who died young. Rip dad. 

MN Buckeye's picture

Yep, I thought we were only celebrating your birthday, 449.  Nice to know that Urban has the same one as yours.

Phillips.449's picture

When I first saw the title of this article it took me a bit to realize it wasn't written for me! :)

pjtobin's picture

Very good read Mr. Johnny. Happy birthday Mr. Urban. I hope this year is the best one yet!

Bury me in my away jersey, with my buckeye blanket. A diehard who died young. Rip dad. 

Michibuck's picture

Happy birthday, Urban. Nice job, Johnny.

45has2's picture

Jabba The Hoke does not slowly eat anything.

"I don't like nice people. I like tough, honest people." -W.W. Hayes

MN Buckeye's picture

Good job, Johnny!  I like your sense of sarcasm.  I think the hot dog tattoo should go to the same person getting the Papa John's pizza

Eddie-Eddie's picture

Happy Birthday Urb!

unholy bucknut's picture

Happy Birthday to the best damned coach in the land.

Menexenus's picture

Gold, Johnny. Well done. 

Real fans stay for Carmen.

Haybucks's picture

Blue?  D'oh!  I don't think so!

I never make the mistake of arguing with people for whose opinions I have no respect.
- Edward Gibbon
 

Johnny Ginter's picture

hey yeah youre rig

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

IBleedSandG's picture

That's more like it!

"You pick up the rifle and go as hard as you can possibly go."
-UFM