We normally hold off on smack talking until at least Wednesday, but the nonsense coming out of UC is getting old, so it’s time for this bearcat to be put down. Stop flattering yourselves. You are nothing more than the second little sister game in a row for us. And don’t you dare claim you’re not just another Ohio little sister to us. UC’s last victory over the Buckeyes was in 1897. It’s okay. You’re our favorite little sister.
Though our previous opponent was and is 100% bad in every way, Cincy is a genetically modified monster of contradictions. You’re a bear, but you’re a cat. You’re as far south as you can be while being north. Your basketball program is (relatively) good; your football program is not. Your skyline is pretty nice, but your Skyline is the work of cruel intestinal saboteurs.
And like that horror house of a restaurant, we don’t hate you. It’s more of a disgust. You’re inferior to us in most ways, just as you are geographically. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Cincinnati is still very visit-able. We’ll admit we’ve been to your stair-studded campus, but we honestly know more about it from watching Campus PD. Can we see some ID? Or is that your OSU friend’s BuckID and also your OSU friend’s Braxton Miller jersey/Buckeye necklace/block O face sticker?
Of all the backup schools in Ohio, UC is definitely the most Guiton-ish. Even if using that term suggests we’re living in the past, we’re not. Living in the past means bringing up 1960′s basketball championships as your only claim to dominance. We honestly feel a little outdated talking about our 2002 football title, and you’re much further from glory than we are. The age of Guiton may be over, but the age of Braxton is merely delayed. And while we wait, we’ll beat you with Barrett. And we’ll beat you badly. Even if it starts out well for you, it will end with Cincinnati heartbreak one way or another, sorta like a Bengals season. Or a Reds season. But you’ve heard that song before.
It’s time to actually face the music: Cleveland rocks, Columbus is glorious, and you’re neither. Between the two other big cities, Ohio already has all 5 pro sports and an elite college program. The only reason we need you is for access to a non-burning river.
Your little “bUCkeye state” thing works great if it were like a word puzzle in the Dispatch, or the Plain Dealer, or whatever your newspaper is; but as smack talk? It’s fairly not good. Are you trying to say UC is in the Buckeye state? If so, that’s technically accurate but also aiming very low — so low, in fact, that though you are in the Buckeye state, you’re also kinda in Kentucky. Maybe for someone with such a north/south inferiority complex, claiming “WE ARE IN OHIO” is aiming high. Who knows.
Maybe if you were all the way in the south, you could actually back up your other weird mantra, because you’re not the #HottestCollegeInAmerica. You’re just not. You don’t even have the hottest college hashtag in Ohio, let alone the hottest college. #New2OSU is and will always be the best college hashtag around. But you’re not new to OSU, are you? You grew up a fan, didn’t you? We won’t say you’re all currently enrolled at your backup school, but your starting QB sure is. He must be pretty good if LSU and Notre Dame both accepted him into their football programs. But he also must have messed up pretty badly to eventually land at UC instead.
Look, we know Cincinnati isn’t a bad school. Did we apply there? No. We’ll at least give you some DAAP for that design and art program though. And then we’ll say no to that art degree faster than Gunner Kiel says yes to switching schools.
But you do have good job placement, UC. You do. We genuinely hope that while our players are getting their shot in the NFL, your players land a great co-op. See you for some real (ok, artificial) field experience Saturday, bear/cat creatures. We’re sure your white Adidas uniforms will look much better with the scarlet stains of your own end zone. But even your end zone is our end zone. The Shoe is our house, our home, our cathedral. It will not be blacked out. Besides, the only football games in Ohio that ever get blacked out are played by the Cincinnati Bengals.
The Fake Lantern