Dad Jokes/clean Puns Needed! Come on All You 11W Comedians!

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scooby22's picture

i love this one ... not sure if high school kids will even know the phrase or what a check is though!

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then on west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals.

They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each and every day.

For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. No sign of the missing men.

They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.

They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."

" ... poor man wanna be rich, rich man wanna be king, and a king ain't satisfied 'til he rules everything ..." - The Boss

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Bucks2K18's picture

That's grizzly

That's a Buckeye touchdown!

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scooby22's picture

some people can bearly stand that joke ... others pooh-pooh it ...

" ... poor man wanna be rich, rich man wanna be king, and a king ain't satisfied 'til he rules everything ..." - The Boss

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Sanantonefan's picture

Nice!

You Got Barbecue Back There!?!?!?!

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IamJoeHall's picture

Three guys walk into a bar,

the fourth one says ouch.

"Live life with no regrets, that's my motto.....well....that and 'Everybody Wang Chung Tonight'"

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Wxbuck's picture

I always heard it as “the fourth ducked”

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ponder10's picture

I had heard it as: A blind man walks into a bar... and a table... and a chair

“In the end we will conserve only what we love. We will love only what we understand. We will understand only what we are taught.” ~ Baba Dioum

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buckeyeboy31's picture

What do you call a cow with no legs?

ground beef

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GulfCoastBuck's picture

Follow that one up with - 

what do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef

then the finale -

what do you call a cow with 2 legs? Your mom

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RubixTube's picture

What do you call a cow with 4 legs?

High Steaks.

Never before in the history of man have lives less lived been more chronicled. - Dennis Miller

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The Rill Dill's picture

Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?  Two tired.

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Thedrw's picture

I used to work at a fire hydrant factory, but I had to quit because you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

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I'm Ron Burgundy's picture

I have a construction joke to tell you, but I can't because I'm still working on it.

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J10's picture

What do you get when you divide a pumpkin’s circumference by it’s diameter? 
Pumpkin pi.

**This space to be filled with an inspirational quote from a famous Buckeye**

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ASnaves's picture

My kids love my terrible Dad jokes. Here's my newest. Where do duck farts come from? Their butt quack

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Michael Snot's picture

Kudos my kids loved it. It even made me and my wife lol. 

Roads in Michigan are really smooth and the people there are always happy.......NOT

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My buck's picture

A horse walks into a bar... the bartender says, “Hey buddy!  Why the long face”???

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buckeyeboy31's picture

Giraffe walks into a bar and the bartender says hey pal want a longneck?  Giraffe says oh I get a choice...

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Sanantonefan's picture

What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?

Live stream.

You Got Barbecue Back There!?!?!?!

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Jumar's picture

What's under there?

Underwear

If you continue to think what you always thought, you will continue to get what you always got. #AlumforStaff

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Jumar's picture

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in the crack.

If you continue to think what you always thought, you will continue to get what you always got. #AlumforStaff

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Sanantonefan's picture

My granddaughter told me that one the other day! Lol

You Got Barbecue Back There!?!?!?!

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NHBuckeye's picture

What do you call a deer with no eyes?  No eye deer. 

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?  Still no eye deer. 

Fields of Dreams

 

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NOLABuckeye's picture

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no genitals, and no legs?        Still, no f'ing eye deer.

Nothing cleanses the soul like a no call pass interference.

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Jumar's picture

What did Michael Jackson call his denim store?

Billie Jeans

If you continue to think what you always thought, you will continue to get what you always got. #AlumforStaff

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stxbuck's picture

Q-What do you call a camel w/ 4 humps?

A-A Saudi Quattro

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bobsegersilverbulletband's picture

On the way home I spotted an albino dalmatian...figured it was the least I could do.

Bobcat66

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Buckeye1996's picture

lol!

"Most Noahs have two of everything, he's got four tonight" - Gus Johnson on Noah Brown's 4 TD catches against Oklahoma.

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stxbuck's picture

Q-Where did the werewolf stay on vacation?

A-The Howliday Inn

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Jumar's picture

What kind of hair is sold at IHOP?

Eggstensions

If you continue to think what you always thought, you will continue to get what you always got. #AlumforStaff

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stxbuck's picture

At the mall on Saturday I saw the cops arresting someone for pickpocketing a midget. I was like “How could they stoop so low!?!?”

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Hughesrep's picture

A Minister, a Rabbi, and a Priest walk into a bar. 

The bartender yells, “Get the hell out”.

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Sanantonefan's picture

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the no-bell prize.

You Got Barbecue Back There!?!?!?!

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Madturk2's picture

Why didn't the skeleton bungee jump....

Didn't have the guts

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Sanantonefan's picture

Why was the skeleton so calm?

Nothing gets under his skin.

You Got Barbecue Back There!?!?!?!

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buckeyefan0037's picture

A skeleton man walks into a bar and orders a shot, a beer and a mop.....

Christopher Poole

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My buck's picture

What did George Washington say to his men before crossing The Delaware?
Get in the boat!

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Sanantonefan's picture

Now that I can use in the history class!

You Got Barbecue Back There!?!?!?!

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Sunny Buck's picture

A history joke:

What kind of music did Pilgrims like?   -      Plymouth Rock.

I'm not trying to win a popularity contest. I'm trying to win football games-- Woody Hayes

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cledaybuck's picture

Did you watch that show about the beavers last night? It was a great dam show.

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piddylolo's picture

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

Da brie was everywhere.  (Debris...it’s better as an audial joke)

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EvanstonBuckeye's picture

I can promise you that I'll tell this joke today

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Sanantonefan's picture

Pretty cheesy, but nice. I'm gouda tell it!

You Got Barbecue Back There!?!?!?!

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EvanstonBuckeye's picture

Please stop; I camembert to read anymore.

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My buck's picture

Hickory dickory dock, two mice ran up the clock,

the clock struck one, the other got away with minor injuries. 

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matt.green14's picture

Did you guys hear Steve Harvey got into an argument with his family? It was a family feud. That’s the best I can do. 

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BradentonBuck's picture

Why does King Kong have big nostrils??

Because he has big fingers. 
 

I’ll be here all week.... don’t forget to tip your waitress

Buckeye til I die

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Sims_tOSU's picture

And the lord said unto John, “come forth and you will receive eternal life.” 
But John came fifth, and won a toaster. 

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Sunny Buck's picture

 (1) Why do birds fly south in the fall?     Because it's too far to walk.

 (2) Why was the math book so sad?      Because it had too many problems.

I'm not trying to win a popularity contest. I'm trying to win football games-- Woody Hayes

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Earthoid.'s picture

I don't like escalators

They're always up to something

A gentle reminder to BE NICE. Plays guitar and makes iced tea in the winter.

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Belliott's picture

Mushroom walks into a bar and sits next to a woman. He asks, you want to have a drink with me? She says no. He says why not? I’m a fun-gi 

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LCT's picture

Knock knock

Who's there?

Knock knock

Who's there?

It's me, Knock knock. Open the door.

Lifetime vs. UM: L 9-1, C 8-0, T 5-0
Ohio State University President Jim Tressel

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MercyTex's picture

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

They taste funny. 

Our people are everywhere, Esto Dignus.

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EvanstonBuckeye's picture

Did you hear about the nosy pepper?

Yeah, he was jalapeño business!

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the arse whisperer's picture

What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Your mom.

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JohnnyKozmo's picture

What do you call a cow between 2 buns

Patty

You're too stupid to have a good time. -Dalton

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Doc's picture

What's a dentists favorite time of day?

Tooth hurty (2:30)

I'll see myself out...

“Ain’t life grand when you finally hit it!”  DLR

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jedkat's picture

My grandpa was able to talk to spirits and they would tell him what size clothes to wear.

He was a medium.

Only speaks in swear_trek gifs

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Bugsyk's picture

I'm technically not allowed to tell Dad jokes since I'm not a Father. 

I guess that makes me a Faux Pa...

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piddylolo's picture

A sandwich walked into a bar and the bartender said "sorry, we don't serve food here."

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OSUnWV's picture

What do you call a camel with no humps ?

Humphrey

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Firedup's picture

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?

The P is silent 

"Making the Great State of Ohio Proud!" UFM

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Neutz's picture

What happened to the chef?

He pastaway

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Scuba_Steve's picture

Why did the witch have no kids?

Her husband had a hallow-weenie

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Weave77's picture

I am noticing a disturbing lack of history jokes... let me help rectify that.

1. Why was WWI so quick? Because they were Russian.

2. Why was WW2 so slow? Because they were Stalin.

3. A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please!”

4. Why did Karl Marx dislike Early Grey tea? Because proper tea is theft.

5. Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages? Because there were so many knights.

6. Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping? Because he couldn’t lie.

7. What yearbook superlative was Jefferson Davis given at graduation? Most likely to secede.

8. How did Louis XIV feel after completing the Palace of Versailles? Baroque.

9. Teacher: Can you describe for me Napoleon’s origin? Student: ‘Course I can!

10. Back in Soviet Russia, there was a man who wanted to buy a car. He went to the official agency, put down his money on the counter... and was then told that his automobile would be delivered in exactly 10 years. ''Alright. Will it be delivered in the morning or afternoon?'' the man asked. ''Ten years from now, what difference does it make?'' replied the clerk. ''Well,'' said the man, ''the plumber's coming in the morning.''

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Sanantonefan's picture

Oh yeah--these will be used in class!

You Got Barbecue Back There!?!?!?!

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BABuckeye's picture

You can Update that one with a Bay Area man buying a Tesla and the contractor coming in the morning!

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lew-e's picture

A little Ronald Reagan influence there ;)

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Weave77's picture

Here's another Reagan gem that I enjoy:

A Soviet commissar arrived one morning for a surprise inspection on a collective farms. The commissar stopped the first farmer that he met, and he asked about life on the farm.

The man replied, "It's wonderful. I've never heard anyone complain about anything since I've been here."

The commissar then inquired, "Well, what about the crops?"

"Oh," the man said, "the crops are wonderful."

"What about the potatoes?"

"Oh, sir," he said, "there are so many that if we put them in one pile they would touch the foot of God."

At that, the commissar frowned and sternly replied, "Just a minute. In the Soviet Union there is no God!"

To which the farmer said, "Yes... and there are no potatoes, either."

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lew-e's picture

A classic and the last I’ll post of it

“Former Congressman Prentiss Walker dropped in on a farm and introduced himself as a Republican candidate,” Reagan began his joke, “And as he tells it, the farmer’s eyes lit up, and then he said, ‘Wait ’til I get my wife. We’ve never seen a Republican before.’ And a few minutes later he was back with his wife, and they asked Prentiss if he wouldn’t give them a speech.”

“Well, he looked around for a kind of a podium, something to stand on,” he continued, “and then the only thing available was a pile of that stuff that the late Mrs. Truman said it had taken her 35 years to get Harry to call ‘fertilizer.’ So, he stepped up on that and made his speech.

“And apparently he won them over. And they told him it was the first time they’d ever heard a Republican. And he says, ‘That’s okay. That’s the first time I’ve ever given a speech from a Democratic platform.'”

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stxbuck's picture

Every 2 years in Warren County a local farmer dumps a truckload of “platform” on the threshold of the county Democrat hq. 

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NavyBuckeye91's picture

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a "martinus". 

The bartender says to him, "You mean a martini, right?"

The Roman replies, "No, if I wanted a double, I would've asked for it."

"You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, & in the manner in which you live.
So, live. Live. Fight like hell. And when you get too tired to fight then lay down and rest and let somebody else fight for you. "
- Stuart Scott

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ApollosGYRO's picture

What's R. Kelly's favorite vegetable?

Peas....

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readnguy's picture

Another history joke...Ben Franklin was out flying a kite, but having no luck. His wife yells out the window, "Ben, you will never get that kite to fly; what you need is a little piece of tail!" Ben yells back, "Woman, I wish you would make up your mind! I told you that ten minutes ago and you told me to go fly a kite!"

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Sanantonefan's picture

How do you make a pirate really angry???

Take away the p. Then he'll be irate!

You Got Barbecue Back There!?!?!?!

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OHinTN's picture

2 old men sitting on a park bench.  1st guy is bragging to the other one about his new hearing aid..."This thing is so good I can hear an ant walking 2 miles away."  2nd guy says "Oh yeah? What kind is it?"  1st guy looks at his watch and says "About 2:30"

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Sanantonefan's picture

Lots of punny folks out here on 11W!

You Got Barbecue Back There!?!?!?!

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ApollosGYRO's picture

I used to be addicted to the hokie poke
But I turned myself around

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cledaybuck's picture

Good for you.  That's what it's all about.

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Marcus Hall's Middle Fingers's picture

What do you call an Argentinian man with a rubber toe?

Roberto

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QuadCitiesBuckeye's picture

What do you call bees that scare people?

Boo Bees

Shandy is not beer

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TZ man's picture

That should be:

What kind of bees make milk?

Boo bees

Go Bucks!

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Sanantonefan's picture

I'm reading a book on anti-gravity.

Can't put it down.

You Got Barbecue Back There!?!?!?!

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QuadCitiesBuckeye's picture

Why couldn't the chameleon change color? He had reptile dysfunction

Shandy is not beer

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QuadCitiesBuckeye's picture

The other night my daughter screeched at me: "Daaaaaaad! You haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" I replied "What a weird way to start a conversation"

Shandy is not beer

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TZ man's picture

I don't always tell Dad jokes.....but when I do, he laughs.

Go Bucks!

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BuckeyeSki's picture

This one will appeal to anyone familiar with 90s rap music:

What's Master P's favorite fruit?

Baaaa-naaa-na-naaaaaaa

Leave one wolf alive....and the sheep are never safe

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buckeyewalt's picture

me: what's the wifi pass word
bartender: you need to buy a drink first
me: OK, I'll have a coke
bartender: Is Pepsi OK?
me: Sure how much is that?
bartender: Three dollars
me; Ok, here you go...now what's the wifi password?
bartender: you need to buy a drink first, no spaces, all lower case!
 
 

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buckeyewalt's picture

Police have recovered a set of stolen golf clubs, one man has been arrested but they are still looking for the driver!!

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stantmann's picture

A dad joke bended a little to fit the buckeye narrative:

What did a scarecrow and Urban Meyer win awards for?

There were both OutStanding in the their fields

"When you're part of a team, you stand up for your teammates. Your loyalty is to them. You protect them through good and bad, because they'd do the same for you." Yogi Berra

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wkfan's picture

Knock knock

Who's there?

Banana.

Banana, who?

Knock knock

Who's there?

Banana.

Banana, who?

Knock knock

Who's there?

Orange.

Orange, who?

Orange you glad I didn't say Banana??

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Hitman61's picture

OK, it’s time to take a break!  So just for the heck of it, let’s see how smart you are… 

1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?

 2. How many birthdays does the average man have?

 3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?

 4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents. The woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. Why?

 5. Why can't a man living in the U.S. be buried in Canada?

 6. How many outs are there in a baseball inning?

 7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why?

 8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain this.

 9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?

 10. A man builds a house, rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?

 11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?

 12. I have two U.S. coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?

 13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first?

 14. How far can a dog run into the woods?

 15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?

 16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?

 17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?

 18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5 feet 10 inches tall. What does he weigh?

 19. How many two-cent stamps are there in a dozen?

 20. What was the President's name in 1950?

LebBuckeye

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Weave77's picture

Ok, I will do my best with these. Please feel free to correct any mistakes I make.

1. Yes, on 4th day of July.

2. One. Most people are only born once.

3. All of them. Most have a few more as well.

4. Because, as a female, the beggar is the woman's sister.

5. Probably because of Canadian laws against the burial of living persons.

6. A total of six (three for each team).

7. Because necrophilia is illegal in California (at least I think it is).

8. They played against different people, not each other.

9. 30 divided by .5 = 60 + 10 = 70

10. White (although polar bears technically have black skin with clear fur).

11. Two, specifically the ones I took away from that other poor guy.

12. A 50 cent piece and a nickle. After all, one of those is not a nickel.

13. Probably the match.

14. Up to halfway. After that, he is running out of the woods.

15. Assuming you take the first pill immediately, exactly 1 hour.

16. The 9 that didn't die.

17. I believe the answer that OP is looking for is "1", but it's more complicated than that, as Moses took two of each unclean animal and seven of each clean animal.

18. Meat, presumably.

19. Just as in any non-baked dozen, there are 12.

20. Just as now, his name then was Donald. The man who was President during 1950, however, was Dwight D. Eisenhower. 

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TyphonInc's picture

17. 0, It was Noah who built the Ark, not Moses.

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Weave77's picture

Damn it! You're right. He got me.

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NorthernOhioBuckeye's picture

You only got 10 1/2 right as it ask's to explain WHY. The reason is that the house is built on the North Pole. 

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Weave77's picture

Given that polar bears only live in the Arctic, I thought that part was self-explanatory.

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NavyBuckeye91's picture

Eisenhower wasn't elected to office until 1953.  Harry S. Truman, the 33rd President of the United States, took office upon Roosevelt's death in 1945 and was reelected in 1948. The famous photo of the newspaper stating "Dewey Defeats Truman" that was shown in the opening credits of Cheers was from the 1948 Dewey vs Truman election. Truman also beat Eisenhower in the Democratic primary that year. Truman served until Eisenhower took office in Jan 1953.

In keeping with the theme of those questions, a better question would be, "What was the President's name in 1960?" Many would answer JFK, but he was only elected in 1960 and didn't take office until Jan 1961. The correct answer would Eisenhower.

"You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, & in the manner in which you live.
So, live. Live. Fight like hell. And when you get too tired to fight then lay down and rest and let somebody else fight for you. "
- Stuart Scott

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Weave77's picture

You're right- got my dates wrong (forgot that Truman got reelected).

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Hitman61's picture

The Presidents name in 1950 was Donald Trump.

LebBuckeye

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Sanantonefan's picture

Someone has stolen all of the toilets out of the police station.

They are investigating, but have nothing to go on.

You Got Barbecue Back There!?!?!?!

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NorthPoleBuckeye's picture

I heard of an old country doctor that would make house calls, but one day fell into a well.

I told my friend that I did not feel sorry for the old doctor, and my friend asked me "why not"

I told him he should have been attending to the sick and left the well alone.

(Paraphrased from "White Christmas")

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Sanantonefan's picture

What do you call a hippie's wife?

Mississippi

You Got Barbecue Back There!?!?!?!

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tampabuck614's picture

How did they know Jeffery Dahmer was a chain smoker?

They found butts behind his couch...

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stxbuck's picture

What did they find in Dahmer’s bathtub?

Head and Shoulders

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Sanantonefan's picture

My friend had his water cut off because he didn't pay his bill.

I sent him a get well card.

You Got Barbecue Back There!?!?!?!

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tajikey's picture

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?

...Elephino (read: hell if I know)...

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the arse whisperer's picture

What do you call a fish with no eyes.
Fsh.

(No i's)

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stxbuck's picture

Why do you never hear any jokes about the Jonestown Massacre?

The punchlines are too long!

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stxbuck's picture

The East Germans invented low-ply communist toilet paper. It left every last asshole red!

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stxbuck's picture

One day a Russian and an American both die and are sent to hell. The devil asks them “Do you want to go to communist hell or capitalist hell?”. “What’s the difference?”, they both ask.

”In capitalist hell you eat one shovel of shit per day, then do as you please. In communist hell you eat two shovels of shit per day then do as you please.”, replies the devil.

”I’ll take capitalist hell”, says the American. “And I’ll take communist hell”, says the Russian.

Years or eons later the American and the Russian somehow cross paths. “Why on earth did you pick communist hell?”, asks the American. “I eat my one shovel of shit a day and do what I please. You have to eat two!”. “This is true”, says the Russian, “but in communist hell half the days there is no shit and the other half there are no shovels!!!”

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1MechEng's picture

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know ...

When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding.

A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon's origin?" The pupil replies, "'Course I can." (Corsican)

​I saw the Liberty Bell. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Trust me! I'm an Engineer.

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Sanantonefan's picture

Is a cowboy getting ready for work out on the range in the morning ranch dressing????

You Got Barbecue Back There!?!?!?!

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High St Heismans's picture

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Mickelson replied, ”The holes are numbered."

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Sanantonefan's picture

Why doesn't a pirate take a shower before walking the plank???

He's just going to wash up on the beach anyway.

You Got Barbecue Back There!?!?!?!

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JohnnyKozmo's picture

How much do pirates charge for piercings?

A Buccaneer. 

You're too stupid to have a good time. -Dalton

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JohnnyKozmo's picture

double post so different joke:

Who's a penguins favorite aunt?

Antartica

You're too stupid to have a good time. -Dalton

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TPMBuck's picture

I sued American Airlines because they couldn't find my bag. Sadly, I lost my case.

If 2 vegetarians are arguing is it still called "having a beef"?

A recent finding by statisticians has found the average American has one breast and one testicle.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Adam and Eve were the first couple to ignore the Apple terms and conditions

My dad always said "never be quick to find faults" - great man, terrible geologist

They are having a bad-posture day at work. I have a hunch I might win.

I was walking past a farm and a sign said "Duck,eggs". I thought "that's an unnecessary comma" - and then it hit me

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TPMBuck's picture

Viking kids - because sometimes it takes a child to raze a village

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sumaic's picture

What did the fish say when it swam up to the wall?

Dam!

Csr

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RCC_TheOnly1983's picture

A group of whales playing instruments in the ocean?

An Orkastra!!

RC

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Thedrw's picture

Why did Maggie fall off the swing?

She didn't have any arms.

______________________________

Knock, knock

Who's there?

Not Maggie

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iowabuckeyes's picture

I filled up with gas for $1.39 today.

Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." - Edmund Burke

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GlassCityBuckeyes's picture

How do you tie your shoes on a spaceship? With astronauts.

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Sanantonefan's picture

What is an astronaut's favorite part of a computer?

The space bar

You Got Barbecue Back There!?!?!?!

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gonelong's picture

If you are Russian before you go to the bathroom, and Finnish when you get out of the bathroom, what are you when you are in the bathroom?  European

  • Knock, Knock
  • Who is there?
  • The incredibly rude interrupting cow.
  • The incred ....   (MOOOOO! MOOO! MOOO!)
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cledaybuck's picture

What did the doe says when she came out of the woods?  That’s the last time I do that for two bucks.

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TyphonInc's picture

How much do Pirate Earrings cost?

A buccaneer (A Buck an Ear)

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BucMan's picture

An Amish man took his son on his first trip to a department store.  He stood in amazement looking at the elevator, when suddenly an old woman stepped inside and closed the doors.  A minute later, the doors opened, and a beautiful young blonde stepped out...the old man said to his son, “go get your mother.”

Year for what?

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lew-e's picture

What’s big and green and if it falls out of a tree will kill ya?

a pool table

why did the first squirrel fall out of the tree?

it died

why did the second squirrel fall out of the tree?

it was tied to the first

why did the third squirrel fall out of the tree?

peer pressure

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Sanantonefan's picture

You are giving me lots of good stuff folks. Thanks!

You Got Barbecue Back There!?!?!?!

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Sanantonefan's picture

What did the dad do when he couldn't find any paper towels?

Hired a bounty hunter

(I know, all of you women are saying--"No, he called his wife and she found it for him, and all he had to do was move one thing, and it's because he 'man-looked' as usual")

You Got Barbecue Back There!?!?!?!

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NavyBuckeye91's picture

A rabbit squats in the woods to poop. As he sits there quietly, a bear saunters up and squats next to the rabbit.

The rabbit is petrified with fear that the bear will eat him. He's so scare that he can no longer poop.

The bear casually looks at the rabbit as asks, "Hey buddy, do you ever have that problem with poop sticking to your fur?" 

The rabbit, in a very halting and scared voice replies, "Ummm...n-n-no."

A minute later, the bear finsihes his business, stands up, grabs the rabbit, and wipes his ass with the bunny.

"You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, & in the manner in which you live.
So, live. Live. Fight like hell. And when you get too tired to fight then lay down and rest and let somebody else fight for you. "
- Stuart Scott

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NavyBuckeye91's picture

You said you were looking for "clean" jokes. I took that literally.

"You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, & in the manner in which you live.
So, live. Live. Fight like hell. And when you get too tired to fight then lay down and rest and let somebody else fight for you. "
- Stuart Scott

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Sanantonefan's picture

Thanks!

You Got Barbecue Back There!?!?!?!

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NavyBuckeye91's picture

If April Showers bring May Flowers, what do May Flowers bring?

Pilgrims

Darker version is "Smallpox", but not historically accurate.

"You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, & in the manner in which you live.
So, live. Live. Fight like hell. And when you get too tired to fight then lay down and rest and let somebody else fight for you. "
- Stuart Scott

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NavyBuckeye91's picture

Lenin should've known Communism was never the answer. I mean there were red flags everywhere.

"You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, & in the manner in which you live.
So, live. Live. Fight like hell. And when you get too tired to fight then lay down and rest and let somebody else fight for you. "
- Stuart Scott

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NavyBuckeye91's picture

How did the Romans cut their empire in half? With a pair of Caesars.

"You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, & in the manner in which you live.
So, live. Live. Fight like hell. And when you get too tired to fight then lay down and rest and let somebody else fight for you. "
- Stuart Scott

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Bugsyk's picture

Why do Norwegian ships have barcodes on them?  so when they come into port they can Scandinavian.

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allinosu's picture

Did you hear about the two Arabs that lost their camel. They rode by a bus of american tourist and one yelled out "Look at the two a-holes on that camel" and when they got off to look it ran away.

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stxbuck's picture

How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?

She tried to read the waffle iron.

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burriix's picture

Did you hear about the guy at the sawmill who got the left side of his body cut off?...He’s all right now.

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Sanantonefan's picture

What are you if you see a robbery at an apple store?

An iWitness

You Got Barbecue Back There!?!?!?!

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Bubblehead's picture

A bear walks into a bar.  The deer behind the counter asks, "What'll it be?"  The bear says, "I'll have … … … … a beer."  The deer asks, "Why the big pause?"

know nukes

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Sanantonefan's picture

Nice.

You Got Barbecue Back There!?!?!?!

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Scarlet and Great's picture

Good stuff gents, I’ll have to try some of these on the grandkids. 

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Sanantonefan's picture

I have grandkids in Indiana, Montana, and New Mexico. That's how I keep in touch. I send them bad jokes every few days. My grandson started #pawpawjoke and now it's a thing in our family. lol

You Got Barbecue Back There!?!?!?!

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ponder10's picture

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator

What side of the chicken has the most feathers? The outside

Why was the mushroom invited to the party? Because he was a fungi (fun-guy)

“In the end we will conserve only what we love. We will love only what we understand. We will understand only what we are taught.” ~ Baba Dioum

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Not_Sure's picture

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent. 

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readnguy's picture

Two Thanksgiving turkey jokes:

How does a turkey usually eat his Thanksgiving dinner?

He gobbles it!

What did the turkey eat for his Thanksgiving dinner?

Nothing...he was already stuffed!

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Sanantonefan's picture

Why was the cranberry sauce red?

Because it saw the turkey dressing.

You Got Barbecue Back There!?!?!?!

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Sanantonefan's picture

Why did the golfer carry an extra pair of socks?
In case he got a hole in one.

You Got Barbecue Back There!?!?!?!

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readnguy's picture

A guy walks into a bar after losing a civil case, and proceeds to get a bit inebriated. He climbs up on his bar stool and yells out, 'All lawyers are IDIOTS!" A guy in the back of the place stands up and yells back, "Hey buddy, I resent that!" to which the drunk dude responds, "Let me guess, you're a lawyer, right?" The guy yelled back, "No. I'm an IDIOT!"

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Sanantonefan's picture

HAHA

You Got Barbecue Back There!?!?!?!

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Il_Padrino's picture

Dad retirement joke:

Following retirement the husband and wife begin to argue more and more and the husband finally has had enough because he just can't figure out what her issue is and asks her "What is wrong with you lately?  We are supposed to be married for better and for worse" and she turns to him and says "exactly, for better and for worse, just not lunch".

Living the life!  Go Buckeyes!  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

CPO and CDR, USN (ret)

1942, 1954, 1957, 1961, 1968, 1970, 2002, 2014 NATIONAL CHAMPIONS!

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Sanantonefan's picture

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me something smells.

You Got Barbecue Back There!?!?!?!

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readnguy's picture

A newly employed bank teller was counting money very rapidly when the bank president walked in and stated, "Your accounting skills are impressive; where did you learn them? "Yale' was the response. "Well then, we are quite fortunate to have you working here. By the way, what's your name, son?" to which the young man replied, "Yames Yackson."

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GrandTheftHarley's picture

(As heard on a Southwest Airlines flight):

Little Mushroom walks into a bar.

Barkeeper says, "Hay! We don't serve your kind here!"

Little Mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a Fungi."

I am not very smart, but I recognize that I'm not very smart. --- W.W. Hayes

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Gratefulbuck's picture

Morel of the story, right there

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GrandTheftHarley's picture

;-)

Good one, GB.

I am not very smart, but I recognize that I'm not very smart. --- W.W. Hayes

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analyticalguy's picture

A guy tells his doctor "it hurts when I poke here," (pointing to his neck) "and here," (pointing to his wrist) "and here," (pointing to his knee) "and here," (pointing to his hip) "and also here" (pointing to his chest).

"Of course it does," replies the doctor. "You have a broken finger."

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stxbuck's picture

What do you call a lazy kangaroo?

A pouch potato!

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readnguy's picture

The E.R. doctor found the worried husband pacing in the waiting room and announced, "Sir, I am so sorry...but you wife just doesn't look good at all.' The worried husband replied, "I know...but she has always been good with the kids and she IS a danged good cook"!

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Bubblehead's picture

Wife:  If I died, would you get married again?
Me:  I don't know.  Maybe, but...
Wife:  Would you let her use our bed?
Me:  Sweetums, why are you...
Wife:  Would you let her use my car?
Me:  It's just a car, I mean, why...
Wife:  Would you let her use my golf clubs?
Me:  No.
Wife:  You seem sure about that one!
Me:  Well, she's left-handed.

And she still gets mad when I introduce her as my first wife (even after 28 years).

know nukes

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Sanantonefan's picture

How do crazy people find their way out of the firest?

They take the psychopath.

You Got Barbecue Back There!?!?!?!

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readnguy's picture

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?

A three-quarter ton pick-up.

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CALPOPPY's picture

It takes me five minutes to walk to the bar...but takes me 30 minutes to walk home from the bar.

The difference is staggering.

Memento mori

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readnguy's picture

A wealthy 78-year-old Texas rancher married a beautiful 25-year-old blond and soon found that he just couldn't keep his hands off her....so he fired every one of 'em.

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stxbuck's picture

One day a cowboy is riding the range in Texas when he sees a huge diamondback rattlesnake in the pasture. He takes out his gun to shoot it when the snake says “Wait, I’m a magic snake! If you don’t shoot me, I’ll grant you 3 wishes!” “OK,”, says the cowboy, “For my first wish I want to be incredibly wealthy”. “Go back to the ranch and see what happens” says the snake. The cowboy goes back to the ranch where everyone runs up to him and tells him that the millionaire who owned the ranch just died and left the ranch and all of his money to the cowboy.   Really excited now, the cowboy says “For my second wish I want to be hung like my horse!” He runs into the bunkhouse to see what happened and screams “Oh shit, I forgot I was riding the gelding!!!!”

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readnguy's picture

A young man decided that he would like to buy a dog for his new bride; a beautiful blue-eyed blond. "I think a Labrador Retriever would be perfect for us," he told her. She replied, "You might want to rethink that dear. Have you ever noticed how many of their owners go blind?"

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