Heartbreak

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Seattle Linga's picture

Stay strong Beast - keep posting because we are all here for you. Surround yourself with friends and family activities. Doing things you haven't done for awhile that really brings you internal happiness. Going to a minor league baseball game, bowling, golfing etc...

If you feel like you're going to go over the edge - hit us up on our contact button and we'll respond. Lastly - reach out to the staff trust me they will respond. Stay positive and keep the faith.

Go get'em Cal Poppy - we are behind you !!

It's not a rivalry .............. it's a wreckoning.

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

That really means a lot, and I'll try to keep it in mind. I don't wanna give up, but I'm having a hard time getting around myself right now. I'm my own biggest enemy.
I'm probably going to have many tough days, so thank you.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
Seattle Linga's picture

Most of us have been there - trust me there's definitely better days ahead.

Go get'em Cal Poppy - we are behind you !!

It's not a rivalry .............. it's a wreckoning.

HS
analyticalguy's picture

Ditto this. If after a reasonable passage of time you're still feeling the same, seeing a professional counselor would be in order.

HS
Brohio's picture

If you're under 25, you'll prob read your post in a few months and shake your head. Life goes on. If you're over 25, a valuable lesson that you'll need to learn is that you can't force someone to do something they don't want to do. Groveling, pleading and looking desperate is not going to make you look attractive to anyone including her. Take this energy you're wasting on pleading and begging and focus it on bettering yourself. My dad used to say the strongest cologne a man can wear is desperation. And right now you're looking very desperate. Take a step back and work on yourself. Get in better shape, improve your career, try out a new hobby. By the time you've improved your own life, she will either come to you or she wont, but by then who knows if you'll even want her back. And you'll be a better person either way. 

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

I agree with everything you said mostly because I just learned the hard way how true it all is. I'll try to remember the cologne saying, very strong words to live by, no doubt.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
1989DuckDuckGooseChampion's picture

This is a perfect post. I just went through something similar. When she said it was over I was a mess. I looked desperate. I talked to two very close friends, they talked me out of doing something really stupid. They told me to back off. I tried new hobbies, I kept going out with friends to keep my mind off of her. And it worked. She came back. I’ve now changed too. I’m not longer desperate. If I don’t hear from her I don’t worry about it because she will eventually call or text.  

Good luck!  

HS
Meek's picture

I rewatched a movie on Netflix yesterday that shows this. She's Out of My League. Check it out.

- OSU ISE -+-  Premium Banter -+- OH48 80k -

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LCT's picture

Here's some tough love from an Internet stranger that I hope isn't too tough. She dumped you. Move on. There are literally billions of other women on the planet and wrecking yourself over a <1 year relationship is foolish. You have a bright future ahead if you'll grab it.

Lifetime vs. UM: L 8-1, C 7-0, T 4-0

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

Thank you, I'm trying to figure out what that future is gonna be built on right now I guess.

Aesculus Glabra

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LCT's picture

You will. Have faith in that.

Happy 4th, Dude. We live in the most exceptional country that has ever existed.

Lifetime vs. UM: L 8-1, C 7-0, T 4-0

HS
BUCKEYE3M's picture

It will be built on you, Beast.

You are the only person who will ever make you happy, don't surrender that power to someone. Build your future on what makes YOU happy, then go find someone who compliments that happiness.

HS
Byaaaahhh's picture

Your future is built on you, not a partner. Looking to someone else to make you happy is going to fail 10 times out of 10. Worst case scenario is that you find out way too late, not that you find out after only a year. There'll be other ways to be happy with yourself. You can do it, bro.

If you have actual depression caused or affected by chemical imbalance, that should be taken care of as well, I need to point out, but the above remains true regardless.

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

Thanks to you and 3M. I can imagine I'd feel much worse if this happened after a longer time. I've realized I can be very attachment prone, and if I don't figure out what to do about it, this won't be the last time this happens.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
osu78's picture

I've been there. There is always a future. Take things one day at a time, and each night right down one positive thing that happened, no matter how small.

Having been dumped myself, as I refelect it was better sooner than later. What seemed to be the end of the world at the time I can now realize, upon further review, that it saved me a lifetime of trouble.

If you can't seem to shake your depression, seek professional help. We're here for you but if you need professional help get it.

Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mutilate.

HS
Frimmel's picture

You might want to start here: https://therationalmale.com/2011/08/30/there-is-no-one/

ONEitis is paralysis. You cease to mature, you cease to move, you cease to be you.

There is no ONE. This is the soulmate myth. There are some good Ones and some bad Ones, but there is no ONE. Anyone telling you anything else is selling you something. There are LOTS of ‘special someones’ out there for you, just ask the divorced/widowed person who’s remarried after their “soulmate” has died or moved on.

You've got to kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight. 

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

That's actually a really good article. I think it really describes where I'm at. But Idk why it's hard to shake that feeling.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
Frimmel's picture

It is hard because the soulmate myth is what we're taught all our lives. That is the aspiration we're taught for our romantic lives and to be good men. I suspect it is even more the teaching for Christian men. 

You've got to kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight. 

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

Everything in this world is designed to monetize our emotions. And all the system does is create unhappy, insecure people who are willing to spend that money in search of answers.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
I_Run_The_Dave's picture

Not to get too religious but Christianity doesn't actually teach that despite its idea being prevalent in the church.

Jesus was born to parents in an arranged marriage.  Why do arranged marriages work and why are they still common today in many countries?  Because both sides realize that they have to work hard and put in maximum effort to make it work so that they aren't miserable their whole life.  This is something that many marriages by choice today could learn from and realize is necessary for themselves as well. 

Keep in mind that people do change.  The person you know right now might be completely different in 10 years and might not be the person you would necessarily choose.  It takes work and commitment to keep with it and still choose to love that person despite that inevitable change.  You are changing too and they may not have chosen future you either.  It goes both ways.  Choose to love someone and the discipline that comes with it.

Your signature will be publicly displayed at the end of your comments.

HS
buckz4evr's picture

Keep in mind that people do change.  The person you know right now might be completely different in 10 years and might not be the person you would necessarily choose.  It takes work and commitment to keep with it and still choose to love that person despite that inevitable change.

How true. I'm sure you have heard the saying "Men go into a marriage thinking the woman will never change and the woman goes into the marriage thinking she can change the man" Reality sets in and the marriage dissolves. 

HS
allinosu's picture

Over 20 years ago my ex left me and I was devastated. I went to counseling and after a month he told me one day I would be glad she was gone. I thought he was crazy. He told me two of the hardest people to counsel were ones that lost their spouse due to death or being dumped because they develop an unrealistic picture of the departed(perfect saints). Six years later I met my current wife and I had no idea how good a relationship could be until then. Life is full of ups and downs and you will grow with each. I will be looking for you on here. Good luck.

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Buckeye Beast's picture

I've been thinking about counseling myself. It's good to know it eventually helped you find a better life, and I'm happy it did. Maybe it wouldn't be the worst idea, just not sure where to begin with that one.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
USArmyBuckeye's picture

Beast, 

First and foremost thanks for reaching out. Being/feeling alone at times like this is the worst, and I know this community won’t let that be the case. 

Secondly, while I completely empathize with your feelings, it is absolutely true that time heals all wounds. As Linga said above don’t be shy about reaching out to friends and family.  Spending time with people who love you can be an important salve, as can reconnecting/immersing yourself in activities that bring you happiness, whatever those may be. 

Most, if not all, have been where you are now before and usually are a better person for it at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there, take care of yourself and your needs and you will be through this before you know it.

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

I'm trying to stay on top of the things I need to do. I'm hoping that if/when this eventually blows over, the work I put in will amount to a better foundation for my life.
But it is hard to find motivation sometimes. This is the first time I've been on 11W in a month or more. I'm usually on top of everything OSU, so I was very surprised at all our commitments.
But if even OSU football can't hold my attention/get me excited, I know something is very wrong. It's part of why I'm here reaching out, thank you.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
Sunny Buck's picture

Ohio State football can't get you excited right now but it will in the near future. This will blow over and you will be better for it. Look at all of the comments from posters that went through the same thing, myself included.

It will be hard to find motivation for a while but that will get better with time. We are not lying to you.

I like to pray a lot, laugh a lot and get involved with positive people. Please keep posting and keep us updated on your progress.

I'm not trying to win a popularity contest. I'm trying to win football games-- Woody Hayes

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

I'll try to here and there, I don't wanna overburden anyone with this is all. Thank you

Aesculus Glabra

HS
osu78's picture

Helping is never a burden.

Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mutilate.

HS
WorthyBuck's picture

You sound very young.  Life goes on and you have a ton of life to live.  Stop feeling sorry for yourself and move on.  

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buckeyefan67's picture

BB...been there myself. Fiancee broke it off when I came home on leave  (at least I didn't get a Dear John letter).  But I was young, like you , and altho hurt I was determined to make it anyway.  Many fish in the sea my Mom said.  And she was right.  Been married 35 yrs next month and blessed with two grandsons to boot.  You will be fine..keep your chin up and remember it takes fewer muscles to smile than frown ...besides you really don't want those age lines  on your face like ...ahem...some of us ;)

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

That's pretty intense, I couldn't imagine how much harder this would be in that situation. I'm glad you made it, and I'll try to remember your example as proof that it gets better, and I'm most definitely not the first to go through this.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
Matt Gutridge's picture

"I'm lost right now & really don't have anyone to talk to."

Buckeye Beast,
I feel your pain and am concerned for you. I wish I had the words, or a plan, to make everything right for you.

If you are thinking about hurting yourself, or others, please call the National Suicide Helpline (1-800-273-8255).

Wishing you the best during this difficult time.

Buckeye Beast's picture

I'll actually keep that one in mind, just in case.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
FieldsofJreams's picture

Take it one day at a time, brother.  If you’re thinking about doing something drastic, make sure to always sleep on it first.  Some days going to sleep and dreaming was/is the only thing I could/can look forward to.

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

Thank you, Fields. Lately I've been going to bed much earlier than I'm used to, even taking melatonin on the weekends so I can't stay up overthinking. I just keep hoping to fast forward to a day when none of this seems so important.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
bwherbert's picture

Went through a very similar episode some years back. Gf left me, lost my job, and mom got diagnosed w/ Alzheimer's....all in the span of about 3-4 months. Talk about a serious gut punch. I was depressed, out of shape, and developed all kinds of bad habits. The people who helped keep me afloat were 100% my dad, best friend, fitness coach, and my therapist. The last one is important....your friends and family can help a lot but they are not professionally trained to deal with clinical depression. I highly recommend finding a good shrink....it's well worth the time and investment. 

As an aside....during that time I ended up distracting by moving to Brazil for 6 months to teach English. I just needed a change of scenery and to not feel like I was being judged for awhile. Now I can speak conversational Portuguese and made some lifelong friends down there. You have a long and fulfilling life ahead of you my friend....hang in there. We're all rooting for you.

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

I wonder if I could afford the professional help. But I'm seriously considering it. I'm hurt & this stuff is on my mind non stop, but I don't want it to ruin my life either.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
bwherbert's picture

Do you have healthcare through your employer? If so, it's possible you can get some free sessions. With mine, I had access to 6 hours worth of sessions before I had to start paying out of pocket. Mental health coverage is abysmal in this country, but it can be vital. I highly recommend trying it. And remember to be patient. It took my 3-4 tries with different counselors before I found one that made me comfortable.

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

I do have insurance through the Carpenters Union actually, I'll consider looking into what exactly it covers. I've had to take care of some big bills lately, so we'll see.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
LoudBuckeyeGirl's picture

When my sister was going through something like this, we were able to find local county resources that hooked her up with some free counseling. You might check with your local county/city.  

The bobbleheads have had their pep talk. Time for some football. 

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

I didn't even know that was possible.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
osu78's picture

Yoiu can always get professional help. As otehrs mentioned, insurance often covers it, and their are crisis lines and centers that will help as well. If you're military or vet, there's also the VA.

Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mutilate.

HS
MaxMermelstein's picture

“We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and—in spite of True Romance magazines—we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely—at least, not all the time—but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don't see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.”

-Hunter S. Thompson

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0H-10's picture

Hey Man, I get it! Sometimes it helps me to recall how others went through difficulties and overcame...like maybe watch Schindler's List or go find a homeless shelter and lend a hand feeding those struggling with other, perhaps deeper mental, emotional, and financial losses.

I know a guy who was married to an amazing woman for 22 years. They have 3 amazing kids (I know them well) and worked as directors of year-round kids camps and outdoor education centers. It was a dream life for them, until they lost three of the kids' grandparents to cancer in three years and spent incredible time and resources caring for each of those grandparents as they died, even relocating/changing jobs & homes to be with them through the worst of it. This was amazing and sacrificial love and choices that the man and woman made to honour and love their parents. Long story short: this woman snapped after her Dad-then-Mom died and took the kids...just got on a plane and flew away...has not been seen since...for like 25 months now this guy has been searching for his wife and teenage children; for over 2 years she keeps telling him by email that it's not his fault, but she is just hurting and does not want or need him in their lives. She was diagnosed with C-PTSD.

The pain is real...but you have what it takes to get through it...and process through it to an all around better guy...for everyone. I know my friend is and though he has his very weak moments (he confides in me at these times) he is getting better with time and looking outside himself to serve others less fortunate. Become a Big Brother. Coach a kids' summer league...paint a widows' front porch. Get your eyes off of you and this girl...be glad you are not married to her and with children. Get to know the Almighty. That's my $0.02...if you need more just ask.

o||||||o

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

I've been keeping some verses in my pocket lately, mostly to help me combat some of the most common negative thoughts that pop up. It helps a little, I appreciate your advice.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
ShawneeBuck74's picture

 You’ve received some sage advice.  A lot of that is because you were vulnerable and honest.  Look what you created with a post! Think about what’s possible for you to create in your life.  You’ve got this & you’re not alone. Find your communities of support. I recommend deepening your faith and finding a good church family.

One of the things I’ve found helps get the mind and heart right after a loss like this is to find a place to serve and a way to give back. It helps put things into perspective.... both the the good and the bad in our lives. Usually, we find that we can give the love we have in our hearts for a relationship to people who often don’t get any love at all.  Be a big brother to someone. Build a house. Feed the homeless. Talk to some lonely folks at a nursing home.  There are people who need the love you have in your heart. 

I’ve seen my fair share of love lost.  It sucks. You can’t ignore the pain or pretend it’s not there. That’s okay. Be present with it. As you are, you’ll find that it’s not insurmountable.  You have strength inside deeper than the pain. You’ll grow.  One day at a time.  

You win with people. 

And so forth...

9 Units Strong!

 

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

I've been thinking about going to church, but all the different denominations confuse me a bit. For now I've been sticking to YouTube. Who knows what I might get involved with if I can do that though.
I'm trying to be more open about these things for once, I'm worried it could become a recurring issue if I don't.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
bukyze's picture

all the different denominations confuse me a bit

I'd recommend finding a non-denominational church.  I too didn't understand all the various "rules" of the different denominations.  Ended up finding an awesome non-denominational church, and it was a life changer.  Couldn't be happier.  Look around, and go to a lot of different churches.  You'll know it when you find the right one.  

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analyticalguy's picture

Some denominations tend to be less demanding than others, and even than many non-demoninational church's, in what you're expected to do or believe - try Presbyterian, UCC, Unitarian, or Universalist.

HS
ShawneeBuck74's picture

If you’re in CBus... I’ve got some pastor friends who lead good, gracious, giving churches. Some denominational but others non.  

If not, let me know where you are and I can help guide you through what to look for in a church. I’ve been a pastor for 24 years and I am the Executive Director of a non-profit Christian community development organization  in OKC now.

You win with people. 

And so forth...

9 Units Strong!

 

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

I'm living in Parma, Ohio currently. 

Aesculus Glabra

HS
MaineStrength's picture

I wish you luck.  It sounds like you've just lost your first love.  It feels unimaginable right now, but I believe you'll be better off for it.  Most people get their heart broken at one point and many need that experience to learn the lessons to have a more successful, mature relationship in the future.  My best advice is to give yourself time.  Get back into things you loved without her.  Work out, it's the best thing to change your physiology and give you confidence.  Start reading more...anything positive that interests you.  Find a good hobby to get into and stay busy, get into your work, school, etc.  Then before you know it you'll forget how bad you feel and will get your groove back.  Best of luck pal and realize this happens to almost everyone and is completely normal.

Strength equipment is expensive & guarantees you nothing. A strong will is free & will give you everything you need.

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

I guess she really was the first one. I'm 26, but this territory is a first for me. I think I'm learning a lot about my mistakes and flaws. I just hope some day I stop associating those lessons with her coming back. That's part of what's killing me right now.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
bwherbert's picture

Learning to forgive yourself is the first major hurdle to truly being able to move on.

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

I'm not sure how to do that yet. It feels like everything is my fault. I would say she gave up too soon, but sometimes I'm not so sure of that.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
MercyTex's picture

Figure this out first.  You would not treat someone that way by constantly criticizing them, so do not do that to yourself. Admit fault, figure out how not to repeat the mistake, make amends if you can, and then move on.

Our people are everywhere, Esto Dignus.

HS
Wargor's picture

Well, I seriously doubt everything is your fault, but it is okay if some or even a lot of it is.  You're learning, and there is no instruction manual.  Depending on what you learned growing up from various sources you may even have gotten bad lessons.  Don't take anything I'm saying there personally though, I don't have any idea, just throwing out possibilities.

I fully subscribe to the concept stated up-thread that there is no such thing as a soul mate.  My wife of almost 20 years fully agrees.  There will be others, and typically, if you have worked to make yourself better, they'll be better too.  

Now I'll leave you with two songs that might help a bit:  Hold On Loosely by 38 Special and Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks.  

Hang in there and nothing wrong with getting a bit of professional help.  

HS
MaineStrength's picture

You're just in the process.  This is very similar to the stages of grief.  Right now you're probably in a combination of stages of denial, depression, and bargaining.  You will probably go through some anger for her before you finally come to accept the circumstances as they are and move on.  Remember this is totally normal and just takes time.  There is no quick fix.  You have to go through it.  Take some small happiness out of the fact that the best things in life often come after hardships.  There are great lessons in difficult life experiences if you just stay the course.  There is hope on the other side of despair.

Strength equipment is expensive & guarantees you nothing. A strong will is free & will give you everything you need.

HS
GrandTheftHarley's picture

Beast, My Man, I'm an old fart, so take this advice with however many grains of salt you wish. Desiderata has been there to help me with its inherent wisdom and perspective many times when things went south for me. Hope it might be of some comfort to you. Go Bucks, and God Bless.

https://www.desiderata.com/desiderata.html

I am not very smart, but I recognize that I'm not very smart. --- W.W. Hayes

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Buckeye Beast's picture

I definitely agree with loud, aggressive people as being negative energy. I wish I had the perspective right now to take more of it to heart.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
GrandTheftHarley's picture

Keep this in mind where your ex- is concerned:

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

And... "Be gentle with yourself..."

I am not very smart, but I recognize that I'm not very smart. --- W.W. Hayes

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bukyze's picture

Beast - I feel you.  I was dating a girl back in my early 20's for awhile, and she (unbeknownst to me) was looking to get married.  I had no idea.  She ended up sleeping with a college friend of mine behind my back.  I actually went to his apartment to beat the shit out of him, but when he answered the door, I couldn't bring myself to do it.  I just walked away and drove back home.  I was heartbroken.  I developed a lot of insecurities that lasted for a few years.   I had a lot of beautiful girls wanting to date/ go out with me afterwards, but I just couldn't see it.  In hindsight, I couldn't believe the opportunities I blew.  I got through it with routine.  Every single day.  Get up early, read bible/daily devotion, eat a good breakfast, go to work, come home, exercise, eat a healthy dinner, go to bed early.  Bible/exercise/nutrition (spiritual, emotional, and physical health) were the foundation, and continue to be to this day.  I'm lucky to now be married to an awesome woman, but time did heal those dark depressing times.  Therapy will do you well, too - bite the bullet on the cost.  Good mental health is worth any amount of money.   Just know that you can get through this.  Hit me up if you ever need to talk.  

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

I'm not sure where to go right now. I've actually lost some weight going to the gym the past 2-3 months, avoiding sugar as much as I can.
I'm actually leaning towards lifting weights and reading the bible a lot right now. It just feels like I couldn't go back to the way I did things before and be happy.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
BGSUBucksFan's picture

Download the YouVersion bible app. There are plans devoted to any topic you can think of, depression and relationships included. This is the easiest way for me to connect with God's word as it's very difficult for me to simply read scripture and gain much from it. This app has been a lifesaver (literally) for me.

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

I'm actually gonna do that, I think I need it pretty bad right now. 

Aesculus Glabra

HS
Sunny Buck's picture

Good Choice BB. I would also highly recommend joining a local church with an active bible study program. There you can interact with real people, some with the very same situation as yours. it's also a great place to meet some good people.

I'm not trying to win a popularity contest. I'm trying to win football games-- Woody Hayes

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RBurgundy4's picture

Sorry to hear this, Beast. I recommend you go see a doc, even your general practioner if you have one. I'm not one for meds, but there are a bunch of pharmaceutical options that can help slow a racing brain down a bit just to take the edge off until perspective improves. Many are very affordable as they are available as generics - Prozac, Wellbutrin, etc generics. Had to go that route myself many years ago as a young man. Helped me out big time. Wondered why I suffered as long as I did while trying to go it alone. See a doc, buddy. Your current situation is temporary.

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

My only worry about meds is that there's a small chance it could make things worse. Side effects can be funny, I hear. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet, but I thought about it earlier.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
RBurgundy4's picture

Very true about side effects. That's the biggest reason I only take meds as a last resort. However, if your doc get you the right one it can be a huge help in getting through this temporary situation. Good luck, we're here for ya.

HS
Sunny Buck's picture

Beast, Maine Strength nailed it. Join a health club and get fit. Get a hobby and get good at it. DON'T DO WHAT I DID !!

Planned on marrying my high school sweetheart after my Navy enlistment. Came home on leave and found out from her little sister that my GF had been cheating on me. Four years down the drain and I was crushed. Never thought i would get over it. Everything I saw, heard and experienced reminded me of her. Got back to the base and found out my fellow sailors would help me forget her with a little alcohol. Much of 1978 was a blur to me.

I bought a 1956 Chevy and wrapped myself up in a restoration. Met some new people and eventually got off the booze and found my direction again. That was a bad, bad year (except for the Chevy). I should have taken a healthier road to recovery but I was a mid 20's kid that didn't know better.

Fast forward to today. Been married to a wonderful woman since 1981 and can't imagine marrying anyone else. Believe me brother, there are some good ones left out there. God blessed me tremendously with my wife. BTW, she was a blind date. Go figure.

Sorry for the history lesson but I hope you get the point. Get in shape, meet new people, volunteer to help those less fortunate and please realize that you are unique and valuable to family and friends. It will get better, I promise you. I am praying for you.
 

I'm not trying to win a popularity contest. I'm trying to win football games-- Woody Hayes

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Buckeye Beast's picture

I've been lifting weights a lot, at one point last month it was a 6 days a week thing. I dropped down from 179lbs to 153lbs since mid April.
The problem is, I pretty much spent most of April either not eating at all, or eating very little. Maybe small stretches of May also.
Since then, I've sensed an opportunity to gain back good weight, I wanted to make something positive of it. I think I'm looking better, I'm the lightest I've been in 6 years. I look good body wise, but I feel tired and worn out.
There were many days I went to my job as a carpenters apprentice, came home, hit the gym, and then went to bed without eating. Something tiny would bring me down, and I would just be too anxious to keep anything down.
I was just restless overall, but I think it's catching up to me. I feel it in my knees, and my left shoulder. But I always appreciate a good history lesson, stories about light at the end of the tunnel give me hope. Stories where people bounce back mean a lot to me right now. Honestly, I thought I'd never find someone before meeting her. But I also never expected to connect with someone so well, so I'm struggling right now.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
OSUlewis's picture

Beast you’ll be in my prayers my man. 

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

Thank you, I could certainly use them

Aesculus Glabra

HS
Hovenaut's picture

Beast - It helps to reach out for help. Your post here is a healthy step and should be an affirmation that you want (and can) battle depression.

If it's counseling, therapy, a religious path, medication, or whatever you can connect with, please know you can seek help...and it's ok.

You will be fine happiness, better days are ahead for you.

We're here, and can help any way we can.

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

I've seen you around these parts ever since I joined the site in 2012. It actually means a lot you had something to say today, so thank you.
In my few moments of clarity, I'm trying to formulate a plan I can follow for myself. Something that might make me feel better about who I am, even if it doesn't change what happened. So much of my self worth was tied to another person, and I know I have to figure out how to change that. I appreciate all the suggestions, I know it's not easy for anyone to go through this. Whether you're the one experiencing it, or someone trying to help. So thank you.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
Hovenaut's picture

You're most welcome, man.

Take it one step at a time, one day at a time. Know that you matter...for yourself.

HS
Molandisi's picture

Beast,

I pray that God who has walked with me through similar times of depression and purging will comfort you and help you grow daily into recovery.  The pain is real and it changes us.  If we let it, it helps us grow into people who are more aware and more caring for others.

That said, it still hurts.  Below are the lyrics (and a couple links) to a song which has helped me through similar pain through my many years.

Find some people in your life to help you through this valley.  

Molandisi

-----

I walked a mile with Pleasure, she chattered all the way.

Left me none the wiser with all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow - never a word said she.

But Ah! the things I learned from her when Sorrow walked with me.

The frost is in the valley and the mountain tops turn gray.

The promised buds all withered and the blossoms fade away.

Our loving Father whispers "All this comes from My hand....

Blessed are you when you trust what you just can't understand."

I walked a mile with Pleasure, she chattered all the way.

Leavin' me none the wiser with all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow - never a word said she.

Oh, the things I learned from her when Sorrow walked with me.

After a lifetime of working all your wealth should fade away,

Leavin' your hands all empty and your hair starts turning gray.

Remember then our Father owns both the sea and the land.

"Blessed are you when you trust what you just can't understand."

I walked a mile with Pleasure, she chattered all the way.

Leavin' me none the wiser with all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow - never a word said she.

Oh, the things I learned from her when Sorrow walked with me.

-----

From an old Robert Browning Hamilton poem adapted into a song ("I Walked a Mile"") I first heard from Barry McGuire

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ilBRJ70LRXs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5EYAepx7yqw

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

Prayers mean a lot, as I've been praying a lot myself. Sometimes during the day, it gets better. But at night, I feel horrible. I try to go to bed early, melatonin and prayer help a bit. The last thing I can afford to do is keep trying to talk to her after all.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
cecsix's picture

Man, most people who haven’t been where you are can’t possibly understand what is happening inside your head. I was there 25 years ago, and aside from when my parents died, it was the lowest time of my life. Ultimately you just have to move on through sheer will, as impossible as it probably seems. Find a constructive way to spend time where you can’t even think about trying to contact her. All those social media accounts? Delete them for a few weeks. You can always sign back up. Most importantly, work on getting to a point where you take ownership of your own happiness. Happiness always comes from within. When I was in your spot, I had some very very dark thoughts about harming myself and others, but thank God I didn’t act on them, because I met my current wife a few months later, and we now have an amazing life that would’ve never happened with the other girl who I thought had ended my reasons for living when we broke up.. Ultimately, each day went by and things got a little easier. Allow time to do its thing for you.  And things WILL get better.  Football season is less than two months away, after all.

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

I've had those same thoughts. Unfortunately, not doing the best job fighting them. At least not all the time.
But I feel like I should delete social media for awhile. It is making it more difficult.
I know it should get better eventually, I just don't know when that day will come. I didn't go today, but I'm gonna try to go to the gym tomorrow. I just have to better myself somehow.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
BuckeyeDropout's picture

I’ve been there before Beast. I know all this advice seems like common sense, but it really works. Keep working on yourself. Make you the best you can be. Every day might seem like a battle, but just try to wake up with that warrior’s mentality. 

Keep battling. 

What we have currently available is what we have available.

HS
osu78's picture

It takes time, trust me. If you expect things to get better overnight you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. We all deal with this i our own way, find what works for you. I joke about things. Some find it odd but it works for me. Take pride in small wins and don’t sweat the other stuff. Most importantly, don’t bottle yourself up and try to do it all yourself. Help is out there.  Use it. 

Another thought: if she wants to get back together think long and hard about it  I watched someone close to me  breakup with a girl he really liked  as soon as he had a new girlfriend she came back into the picture after the third time he was done, but it really hurt him each time. Pro tip: when you get a new girlfriend hold off on posting on social media.  Let things develop.

And remember, we are here for you. I’ll go out on a limb and speak for everyone posting on this thread: if you really need to talk PM us.  Post that you PM’d so we know to check.  

Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mutilate.

HS
Zimmy07's picture

Hey, man.  Thanks for reaching out.  Many of us were taught not to do so & it can tear a soul up keeping pain inside.

Im no guru.  I hope you can look back & remember all the happy times you had together & remember - you were part of that.  

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

I try to look at it that way. But lately, I get to thinking that as much as it all meant to me, it didn't mean that much to her. Maybe it's just the depression, idk.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
Zimmy07's picture

Right now, I find solutions to my grown kids’s Mistakes.

i have to.  I am their father.

HS
Zimmy07's picture

Also - better the disconnect happen now.  When you have 3 kids who think you solve everything & the idea of crushing them with the reality that you can’t 

I dunno.

HS
Leonhard's picture

BB, I wrote this to my nephew a few months ago.  After 7 years, living together for 5, planning a wedding, she gave him no notice and left him.  He was immensely depressed. .  And now, the rest of the story. This is the email I sent him.

So I heard the news, and offered to your mom to put something together to you.  I can probably say nothing that will help.  I hope that's not the case.  ie: Plan for the worst, hope for the best.    So if something clicks for you, great.  If not, sorry.  I did have something similar happen to me.  So hence, the reason I offered to write to you. And now....what do I say?  Oh Shit, maybe I should have thought of that before I offered.  You're supposed to laugh at that.

I thought about a few angles.  I've decided I'm just going to mention what happened to me, and then lay out my road to......recovery, stabilization.....whatever you want to call it.

So I was almost 30 years old, working many hours in the restaurant business, trying to get ahead in life, and my wife of 2 years surprises me by telling me she's leaving me, not for anybody else.  She's unhappy and wants out.  I was blown away.  Totally blown away.  At first I believed her, about there's no one else, and then I didn't.  So I tracked her, found out she's was spending time with a Muslim, who wanted to convert her to Islam, and she was sleeping with him.  Ouch, that really hurt.  So I kicked her out of the apartment, and that's when we really started fighting.  She moved in with Mr. Muslim, and dividing the assets was a nightmare.  She thought she would get half of everything, even though she brought nothing into the marriage.  I was right, and she was pissed, and we fought.  Through some good detective work, I found out she was planning on picking up her stuff on a day I was working, just before the date she had told me she was picking up her stuff, a day that I had off.  So there I was on the day she was picking up her stuff, and she was with her new boyfriend.  Boy was she annoyed.  And she started taking things that we had not agreed would go with her.  It got really ugly.  Her family was on my side.  So effectively, she was kind of alone as well.  She was pissed at them too, for backing me, and probably took that out on me as well. Let's just say it was really ugly.

The physical divorce occurred shortly thereafter.  So here I was, in a new city, without any friends, almost 30, and single, in a job i didn't like, with virtually no friends around.  Boy did I feel like a total failure.  How did this happen to me?  I thought she was the one, to spend the rest of my life with.  I thought I was better than this.  I thought we had a plan, etc.  What now?  Seriously, what now?  I'm a failure. This wasn't supposed to happen to me.  I was depressed.  Like a deep depression that is really bad, really bad.  Eventually, I ended up in a really, really bad place.  In person, I'll tell you what that bad place was.  I won't put it in writing.  

Going forward from that point, what I experienced was a series of highs and lows.  I was like.....I need to get over this.  One day, or for a few days, I would be super happy, and think....I'm over this.  Only to be followed by deep depression.  And then the cycle would happen again.....and again......and again.  The good news is, the next high wasn't as high as the last. And more importantly, the next low wasn't as low as the last, with one exception.  During this time, I started doing things that I liked, which for me was athletics.  I moved back to Columbus, where I knew people.  And I joined a triathlon club, did the ironman, joined a bike a bike club, the softball team, joined a basketball league, and a volleyball league, played ultimate frisbee in OSU stadium, began playing golf again, and focused on investments....doing things that brought me joy.   All this time.....lower highs and higher lows....to the point that I became stable again.  

One thing I will caution you on, and I didn't even know I was doing it.  I drank a lot...a lot, and I treated women like shit.  I'd show some interest in someone, and next thing I'd know they'd be gone.  My friends would tell me....you did it again.  What do you mean?  You were rude....again.  I was so disrespectful that the women got up and left.  And it happened a lot.  Again, I didn't even know I was doing it.  Deep down, I was probably blaming all women for my failed marriage.  I'd get drunk, treat women like shit, and out they would go.  That's when I went to a really dark place.

When I finally got to my happy place.......come on, this isn't Happy Gilmore.....you know what I mean, a stable person, hard working, respectful of others, including women.  Then the women came out of the woodworks and sought me out.  I don't know how they knew, but they knew, and they came calling.  And I ended up with someone 15 yrs younger than me (please don't go there, you're 29...dating a 14 yr old is not a good look). Now we have 2 kids, a decent size house, retired early, a nice retirement balance......all is good.  If you have the right attitude and outlook......things really do get better.

____, you are a good guy.  Life does get better.  Sometimes, shit happens to good people.  Life can get better.  I suspect it will for you.  

Its amazing how many people end up being depressed, for whatever reason.  BB, hope you find your happy place.
 

Leonhard

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

That's a pretty deep letter. I think the part about having the right attitude is everything, but I'm having a hard time getting there. Between this thread, and really opening up to my sister & brother, I'm a little closer than before hopefully.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
chibucks's picture

writing is therapeutic.  put your thoughts in writing.  put your urges in writing and keep it in a secure, personal space.  read them a few days later just to see where your mindset was a few days ago to where it is present day.

it sounds cliche, but time heals.

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

I've written a little about my regrets, but it wasn't too much. I bought a small notebook for it specifically, I'll try writing some today.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
Steveoeg6's picture

BB,

I went through a similar situation a few years back.  I dated a girl for about a year, the first after my divorce.  I was a total train wreck for a good 6-8 weeks.  I know at one point I was counting the number of minutes it had been since I last broken into tears... but as many others have said, time heals.  The countdowns went from minutes, down to hours, and finally days and weeks. I still think of her at times, but the pain associated with it is gone.  I found solace in exercise and writing, and avoided things that would trigger those feeling (sappy songs on the radio) and I started reading non-fiction a ton.  Things slowly turned around and I am a much better and healthier person than I was before the break up.  It will come to you too, keep your head high!  We may be internet strangers, but we care about you!

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

I appreciate it a lot. I went to the gym today, didn't do anything too crazy. But I get your point about songs, they kind of get me feeling down more often than not. I actually cut the workout short because of the music playing in there today. I'm really gonna try my best these next few months, and hopefully beyond that. Losing her is hard enough, if I'm ashamed of who I am on top of that, that's a back breaker. 

Aesculus Glabra

HS
KBonay's picture

Pro Tip:  Metallica for all workouts.  

HS
Buck It's picture

Beast,

I have been lurking on 11w for many years and finally created an account in November 2016. This is my very first post ever on this site. I read everything on here, but have just never taken part in the discussions. I read your original message and it hit me really hard personally because I just had a family member go through a very similar thing a few months back. On April 19, 2019, my 35-year-old brother in law made the decision to take his own life. I was on the phone with him about 2 hours before he did it and I did not have a clue that he was anywhere near as depressed as he was. None of us did. He had the world by the balls. He ran a great company and made phenomenal money. He had a beautiful daughter and an incredible family with tons of friends. But it wasn't enough. Apparently, he was too proud to admit his mental health issues. And he decided that a permanent solution to a temporary problem was the best decision for him. And that's what suicide is...it is a permanent solution to a problem that 99.999% of the time can be overcome. Every day since he did it, I have pleaded with God "why didn't he grab the phone instead of the gun?" he could have called me, his mom, his dad...anybody would have been there in a second. But he could not bring himself to ask for help.

There is a country song by Justin Moore called "The Ones That Didn't Make it Back Home" that I was listening to a lot when this happened. While that song is not about suicide, there is a line that says "They're in a better place up there but they sure left a hole down here." And that is so true. His depression ended his pain, but it created infinite turmoil and confusion to those that loved him the most.

I do not know you, but I am very proud of you because you have taken the MOST IMPORTANT step you can right now...and that is admitting that there is an issue and that you need some help. You do not realize how valuable your post actually is to you getting better. It was your first step and you may not even see it like that. Maybe 11w is the right venue and maybe it's not. But it's a start. And with anything in life, sometimes you just need to take that first step to get the ball rolling. The fact that you have reached out on a message board, in such a public setting, tells me that you are in a very dark place and this is likely your cry for help. So thank you for taking that first step in reclaiming your life because it's not only valuable to you, but it's valuable to countless others that probably don't tell you enough how much they love you and how much you mean to them. Lord knows I did not tell my brother in law how much he meant to me and how much he has helped me with issues over the years. Maybe that would have made a difference. Probably not, but I still should have told him.

His suicide was the result of issues with his wife as well. And he decided that everyone would be better off without him here...including his beautiful 5-year-old daughter who will struggle for the rest of her life with the fact that even she wasn't enough to "keep daddy here." He left her. He left his wife. He left his parents. He left his employees. He left countless friends that would have gone to the end of the earth for him. All over some bullshit that meant NOTHING in the grand scheme of things. Why? Because he was too weak/proud/stubborn to ask for help. You have just proven to yourself that is NOT the case with you. So please do not waste this opportunity. Follow through with getting the necessary help. Whether it's talking to a counselor, a support group, a pastor, parents, friends, 11w members, or just screaming at a fucking wall...do it. Do whatever you have to do to get the help you need. In the end, your life is worth it.

I do not know you, but I can assure you that there are many people in this world that you care about you and love you dearly. Talk to them. If they are like most of us, they have not told you near enough how important you are to them nor have they told you what you have meant to them. That's human nature...but please know that your life is very valuable and you have a right to be happy. Actually, you have the right to "pursue happiness." But you have to be the one to grab the bull by the horns and turn your life around. 

I have read some of your posts and you are beating yourself up for acting the way you are. Don't beat yourself up man...it will only make it worse. You've acknowledged, in a very public manner, that you have an underlying issue. Most of us have had similar issues in our lives and most of us have moved past it. Hopefully, in 6-12 months this will be a hiccup in your life. If you allow it to be one, it can be a monumental learning moment in your life. I have always tried to live by the motto that no matter how bad a situation is, you can always take something positive away from it. If you can take something positive away from a shitty situation, then it had some value along with the heartache. My brother in law taking his own life reminded me that there is 1 thing in this world that you cannot make more of: TIME. It's valuable. Don't waste your time dwelling on this lady. Spend your time taking care of yourself. If you do that, things will work themselves out just fine.

Clint

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

I'm feeling a little better tonight. I find it usually goes like this though. I feel ok for awhile, sometimes I even manage to have fun. But I can slip back into sadness so easy if I'm not careful. Being on here, re-reading a lot of what's been said helps me a lot. I use it to replace the negative thoughts I have sometimes. 

I worry sometimes of what I'd be capable of if I left myself unchecked, it's part of why I'm here. Although I want to live, I know it only takes a few seconds to make a decision you can't take back. I've felt that way twice in the past 2 months, the 2nd time I made this post. My mind is and has always been a roller coaster of sorts, and I sometimes wonder if maybe I'm bi polar in some way. My highs are pretty high, but my lows are intense. 

I'm glad you commented here, and I'm sorry for your loss. Things could be better, and I'm not the best me right now. Even though I don't know you, I won't let you down. 

Aesculus Glabra

HS
D-Day0043's picture

Just found out after 13 years of marriage, my wife wasn't the person I thought she was. I came from nothing, to having everything a man could ever want to losing everything I ever worked for and ever held dear. I understand your pain. It only took 2 weeks apart for my wife to start skeezing. That's what 13 years of faithfullness, support, and love got me. She didn't even have to work the last 9 years.

I wake up every day wondering what the fuck happened. How did I let this happen. I know better. I haven't seen my kids in 7 months. They are the only thing in this world that matters to me and I've had them taken from me as well.

I don't know what to do or where to go. Nothing seems right anymore. I've just been wondering the country trying to figure it out.

When you lose, say little. When you win, say less.

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

I can't imagine what that's like, even if I think I could. I know my situation is less severe, but I know what it's like to wonder where she is, what she's doing, or if she still cares at all. I told someone above that I've had 2 moments the past 2 months where I got close to doing something I couldn't take back. There are 3 things that pull me out of it:

1) God. Idk if you're religious, and it's ok if you're not. But I fear the consequences, and believe it or not, it's a powerful thing that helps. As bad as my time on Earth can be when I'm dwelling & not in control of myself, I know it's worse down there. That everything that I can't get out of my head, things that might not even be true, will be my 24/7 down there.. forever. It's hard, but I'd rather see if things really do get better before I sign a one way ticket to watching my nightmares for all eternity. Pray tonight, even if it's hard to feel it.

2) What would my family do? How would they feel? I know you haven't seen your kids, but one day that will change, and they'll appreciate all you went through to make that happen. 

3) It won't change anything that happened. It won't make me feel better either because I won't be around to feel better. Maybe she never even finds out it happened. Or maybe she does find out, but then what? Maybe she'll feel horrible, and have regrets. Or maybe, she'll cry for me, and move on. She'll think about me here and there as she goes on living her life, maybe she even forgets me eventually. But at the end of the day, I'm still dead. And in that scenario, my family and friends, and most of all, I myself can't move on even if she can. We're stealing from ourselves and the people who really care just to make someone miss us or feel guilty for a few days/weeks. 

Just hang in there, I'm sorry you're going through this too. 

Aesculus Glabra

HS
Frimmel's picture

I'm going to point you at The Rational Male as well. 

https://therationalmale.com/2017/12/11/zeroed-out/

I think it ought to be part of any Red Pill aware man’s understanding that at many points in our lives we will be confronted with the prospects of having to rebuild ourselves. Failure, rejection and disappointment will happen for you, that’s just part of a man’s life, and it’s easy to rattle off platitudes about how many times you get back up being the measure of a man. But what I’m saying is there will be times when total reconstruction of your life will be a necessity.

You will be zeroed out at some point, and how you handle this is a much different situation than any temporary setback. This zeroing out is made all the more difficult when you confront the fact that what you believed to be so valuable, the equity you were told was what others would measure you by, was all part of your Blue Pill conditioning. At that point you need to understand that there is most definitely a hope for a better remake of yourself based on truths that were learned in the hardest way.

Reading the essays at that site can be tough. It'll make you angry. It won't provide a solution. The only solace is it will let you see the problem more clearly. 

You've got to kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight. 

HS
GoFor3's picture

I was with the same woman for 18 years. It ended last year and I had no idea what to do. I didn’t know how to move forward. I lost 40 lbs from stress. It does get better and there is light at the end of the tunnel. After a few months I started getting my confidence back. Realized I am the only person who can make me happy. So I focused on things I like to do and kinda rediscovered myself. After a few months she actually tried to come back but I was actually happier alone. I definitely would let her be. Anything you do right now will push her away. If she wants to be with you she will come back on her own. You never know, once you get over the hump your feelings might change. Just keep your head up and focus on making yourself happy. 

Go Buckeyes!

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

First things first, I like the name. Michigan always sucks, no matter what life throws at us.
This comment means a lot, because I can relate to it a bit. I was 178lbs at least when this all started in early April. This morning at the gym, I weighed 151.2
I'm not proud to say a lot of that was being too anxious to eat during April and parts of May. I'm finally realizing I'm not as happy as I think I am during relationships. It's all because insecurities I've always neglected, and it will always lead to worry.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
Even Steven's picture

Wine ‘em ...

Dine ‘em ...

HS
Brandon26841's picture

Went through this about 2 years ago with the end of a 3 year relationship. 

My #1 piece of advice to you is to make sure you go no contact. Don't text this person, don't look at their social media accounts, etc. Out of sight will eventually lead to out of mind. You don't want to keep reopening that wound over and over and if for whatever reason you want this person to come back to you (and that usually never works out if they do and it's not worth the trouble) they'll usually only come back if you've gone no contact for a while. As a few people have already mentioned on here nothing is more unattractive to a female than a man begging for her to come back to him.

My 2nd piece of advice is to give some time to yourself. You feel a huge void right now in your life and it's tempting to try and fill that void by trying to find someone new right away, and that entire ordeal can be pretty depressing too, especially if you go the Tinder / dating app route. I actually ending up meeting my current girlfriend on there about a year post breakup and our relationship is way better than the one that ended the year prior, but it's hard not to get cynical / jaded when you're dealing with all of the bullshit (flaking / ghosting, etc) that comes with trying to date via apps like that. That sort of thing can leave you feeling pretty empty a lot of the time.  

Lots of good advice in here already. Play recreational sports. Get in really good shape. I know that's token advice, but it's some of the best stuff you can do. Learn from this experience and I know it's something you don't want to hear right now but you're going to hear it over and over because it's true... time heals all wounds man. Things will get better each and every day. I know that seems impossible right now, but they will. You'll find a better person for you. In the meantime improve yourself for that next person.  

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

I appreciate your advice, and even more the perspective. Part of what got me in a bad spot tbh was trying to win her back. I disregarded my own health & well being for almost 3 months.
Part of that time, I looked for answers on the internet, I admit. I discovered no contact and started working on myself, but not for the right reasons. For the record, I could never successfully do the no contact thing.
Now, I've learned 2 big lessons: I have to mature #1. Number two is that I have to be happy with myself, which is the cliche but true answer I've been running from for years.
I'm going to therapy once a week now, trying to lift weights, have a better attitude towards my family. I'm trying to do things I know the happy me would do without her. I really needed the advice for Tinder tbh. It's rough out there when you get tossed back in the game. Idk if I'm ready for it right now.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
Sanitarian2's picture

I wonder what it is in some people that causes them to lose a ton of weight and others to shut down, stop exercising and eat themselves into a thirty pound increase in weight. I suppose we all deal with emotional problems differently, just interesting to see the differences here. 

Sani

HS
Wargor's picture

Between what is wired into us from birth and what get programmed in during development, we're a lot less in control of our lives than we think we are, typically.  However, it can be wiser and healthier to ignore that truism and pretend otherwise.  Fun little paradox that it pays not to think to long on.

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

I know that for me, I get anxious, or something like it. Eating makes me feel sort of sick when I'm feeling really down, or even ashamed.
If I had to take a guess, some people punish themselves while some over-reward themselves. Maybe it's all dependent on self esteem, who knows.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
Scarlet's picture

Beast, my first thought reading through all this is that we have some amazing people on 11W. You have already received some very sound, thoughtful advice. As a woman, I can confirm that we appreciate confidence and stability. Neediness and desperation don't play well, so working on yourself and finding what makes you tick is key. I believe that if you treat people well, if you surround yourself with friends and family who care about you, if you do something that brings satisfaction at the end the day, then you will be fulfilled, and yes, happy overall. Not all the time, because life has definite ups and downs, but enough. Invite a co-worker to lunch. Visit your folks. Volunteer at Habitat, or be a Reading Buddy. Run a 10k. Just do something fun with a couple of friends on the weekend. It all adds up. At some point you will feel better about yourself and your prospects. You will be comfortable in your own skin. We can smell a fake a mile away, so be yourself. Your best self, but genuine.

I don't know anything about the woman in question, except to say that she wasn't a match. You have been grieving the loss, which is understandable, but at the end of the day, do you want to be with someone who has decided you aren't the one?  Change is hard. It is one of the reasons individuals who are divorced sometimes get back with their exes again and again. It is comfortable, easier, even if they aren't good together. Sounds like you are doing the right things. Work on you. Stay active. Become a better family member. The older you get, the more you will appreciate them. 

Keep us posted. I'm rooting for you.

 

 

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

I thought we were generally good together, and that we had a lot of potential. Beyond that, I'm finally realizing 2 things:
1) Outside of her leaving, almost everything about my life has actually gotten better thanks to the effort I put in & a little bit of luck.
2) I made my mistakes, but I owned up to them. I don't wanna go into details, but although I couldn't see it the past 3 months, I actually wasn't being treated fairly.
I've actually been having a pretty good day. I'm thinking a lot about what I want to continue to do, and also planning trips. Idk how long the good days will last, but I'm just trying to get the most out of them. I agree on being happier in my own skin before getting back out there, I'm not there yet. I appreciate your advice.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
irishfury's picture

Just want to put 2 cents in as someone has been through it.   If your making active changes in you life then it isn't luck.  Spend an hour and watch this it is amazing.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuRGzZAk7S4 is a program by Derron Brown (brillant mind) its about luck.  It shows a guy who believes he lucky and a guy who doesnt think he is lucky.  They would plant like 100 dollar bill on the ground and the guy who believe he was lucky found it and the guy who didn't would just walk right by it.  Really showing you have to be open too opertunity and not just walk by it, there is alot more to it then that but just watch.

Second you have to love yourself first before you can ever be in a healthy relationship and be able to love someone else.   When you find the right person with the same core values as you the relationship will work and be full of love.  There our billions of woman out there.  You cant tell people what they can or cannot do thats why you find someone that you share the same core values with.   Just think of all the billions of things in this universe that had to happen for you to be here right now its amazing.  Focus on yourself and what makes you happy and a better person and the rest will come.  Also I dunno if you play any PC games but if you do hit me up and we can do some gaming.  

Take it easy brother and Go BUCKS!

HS
Wargor's picture

Yeah, they've done studies on luck along those lines.  Find out who thinks they are lucky.  Give them all a newspaper to read that has a small add saying that if they mention it they get $20.  The lucky people notice it.  Keeping your eyes open for opportunity is a big part of getting lucky.  Of course it isn't true luck at all.

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

What happened to me sucks, and I have some issues to sort through. But in general, I actually consider myself extremely lucky.
I don't play PC games unfortunately, I don't have one. I don't play online in general.
But I do play Fallout, and I usually set the luck up to 8 or 9. If luck is a matter of perspective, maybe I'm heading in the right direction.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
Wargor's picture

Luck...Luck always changes...

4 or 76?

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

Before everything happened in April, Fallout 4 & also New Vegas.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
Bugsyk's picture

Imagine an inflated balloon in a box.  Randomly the box is shaken, and the balloon hits various sides, and randomly.  Every time the balloon hits a side of the box is when you will think of something, feel something, be reminded of something random.  Right now, that balloon is huge and makes a lot of random contact.  As time goes by, the balloon will shrink.  It won’t hit as many walls, as often, nor with the same vigor.  For now you won’t know what or when, but you know that you’ll have these feelings.  Some hours are harder than others.  Distractions help at first as they aid in taking your mind off of things, but a bigger key is to try to learn something from this.  That’s the best way to help yourself get over the emotions.  I had to learn that WHY something happened doesn’t really matter or even help; I had to move on with or without that (why) information.  Redirecting the emotions into a positive direction by learning something from the experience, or using the energy for exercise are very healthy outlets.  Some of the above posts have mentioned self-improvements, which I recommend.  So many people at a young age focus on trying to find the right person when it is far better to work on yourself and try to BE the right kind of person someone will be happy to find.  Doing that, learning those things, gives you something actionable to do.  That’ll help you with the feeling of being stuck in a place, or feeling like you’re on a treadmill running as fast as you can but not actually getting anywhere.

Seeing a counselor isn’t a bad idea, but please know that it may take going to 3-5 different ones before you find one that you jibe with and can make progress.  I don’t say that to discourage you from seeking it, but to help with the expectations of counseling.  They help you with strategies; what to look for going forward, how to reflect logically when you are emotionally amped up, etc.  You’ll also find similar things in various churches.  Divorce-Care has a booklet which is a cliffs notes version explaining strategies for how to deal with certain situations, emotions etc. 

Eventually, you’ll rebuild and try again.  Trust can be tricky with a new person, but remember trust is never earned, it’s something that you can only give to another.  That can be an empowering perspective.  Remember you are by far your own worst critic.  Everyone is the villain in their own story, so it’s good to remember you need to love yourself at least half as much as you want to love another, and at least as much as you are critical of yourself.  There will always be something you can think of after the fact you feel you could’ve done differently, or better.  You’re only 50% of the relationship equation though, so stay on the track to make yourself the best 50 you can be.

Stress + Rest = Growth…rest now so that you can grow.

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

It's all very insightful. Fortunately, I think I have learned from this experience.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
YTOWNBUCKI's picture

Bro, once you accept and understand that you have zero control over anything in life except how you respond to things the better off you’ll be. Relationships come and go. Don’t be an asshole. Live in the present. Tomorrow ain’t here and yesterday already happened. 

Remember someone else out there has it way worse than you do. 

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

Let's be real here, I might have to learn to be a little bit of an asshole. Lol
I have an issue with not speaking my mind until it's too late.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
Frimmel's picture

Girls like guys with backbone. If you can't stand up to her BS, how can you protect her from the big bad world? It is very important that you "Just Get It." 

You've got to kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight. 

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

I'm really thankful you turned me onto the Rational Male site. I've been reading it a ton the past few days & a lot of what I'm seeing mirrors my personal experiences very well. It all makes sense, and I do feel I've been conditioned to believe a false narrative that directly undermines my own best interests.

What I just went through, it makes me question everything ya know? But it's not the first time, just the first time that going through this has had such an extreme effect on my life. 

Aesculus Glabra

HS
McLovin2.0's picture

Do *not* read any more of that site. Holy shit, what absolute misogynistic garbage.

What, are you trying to be an Irish R&B singer??

HS
Frimmel's picture

It is isn't it? Just Bitter Misogynists over there. 

I hear this a lot from both men and women. It’s an easy response to parrot and it’s very useful. It foists the responsibility of confronting one’s critical ideas back on the man, all while shaming him for forming an ideology based on what he (and now a community of many other men) confirms by observations. It’s like a JBY (just be yourself) response; it sounds right, everyone uses it to the point of cliché, and it misdirects and discourages any further critical analysis.

This is a feminine social convention that’s in the same vein as shame. Any guy that has a point about the feminine, no matter how valid, can always have his argument poisoned because he’s a guy, and most guys are frustrated that they aren’t getting laid, and this is his petty way of venting. When men can be convinced to participate in women’s social conventions half their work is done for them. In presuming a default state of male misogyny, it implicitly denotes a default state of  ‘correctness’ or blamelessness of the female. In other words, you’re guilty and must prove innocence.

You've got to kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight. 

HS
Wargor's picture

Doesn't seem like a feminine social convention, rather one that is broadly human.  I've seen it used in race, politics, gender, sexual identity, law enforcement, military service, and in all manner of Scotsman identification.

The problem is, that line of attack, (and ones similar to it) can be valid, even if they have become overused and cliche.  Call a Klansman a racist.  What if he replies that you are just parroting an easy response that foists the responsibility of confronting his critical ideas back on him, all while shaming him for forming an ideology based on what he (and now a community of many others) confirms by observations?  Has he won the argument?  Has he proven he isn't a racist?  Or has he just used a rhetorical tool to confuse the issue and not address the argument?

HS
Frimmel's picture

My quote ends with the words "must prove innocence" and you proceed to ask him to prove his innocence. 

You've got to kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight. 

HS
Wargor's picture

I'm not asking him to prove innocence, merely pointing out that that rhetorical trick can be conveniently used by the guilty and innocent alike in response to criticism that is valid or invalid as the case may be.  It sounds really reasonable and we all know of cases where accusations of -ism are overblown and off-base, so it conforms to things we have observed.  But that reasonableness and familiarity don't, in and of themselves, prove anything.  All that is proven is that the go to response to criticism (which the original critic should have given examples of) is a rhetorical trick.  Perhaps that's all such a statement deserves but given your past views on 'gender war,' I for one am going to retain some skepticism.  

HS
Frimmel's picture

You certainly know a rhetorical trick when you see one don't you. I see yours. 

A popular misconception about the Red Pill – the popularized notion of it, not the actual praxeology – is that it makes men misogynists or it’s inherently negative, or it’s function is ‘truthful anger’. I am reminded of the explanation of the 32nd Law of Power:

The truth is often avoided because it is ugly and unpleasant. Never appeal to truth and reality unless you are prepared for the anger that comes from disenchantment.

That disenchantment is really what’s at root here for those who would paint the Red Pill with the brush of anger, negativity or hate directed at women in general. There are certain elements within the manosphere and Purple Pill commercial interests that would like to turn a profit from this mischaracterization. They would sell a ‘cure’ for it with sunshine rhetoric and reheated narratives of the power of positive thinking that has been a secular religion for generations now.

From the essay "The Awareness.

You've got to kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight. 

HS
Wargor's picture

Okay, and I'm not trying to convince you of anything, nor am I even saying that I believe that site or the various cut-and-pastes you have are inherently sexist or anything else.  Just maintaining a healthy skepticism for about a situation that looks like a true believer preaching their gospel.  Doesn't make the gospel wrong, nor does it mean the criticisms are fair.  People have to decide for themselves on these things.

Regardless, take care.  I'm not against you and have often liked many of your posts on various topics.  I'm also about to depart for vacation, so I'm feeling generally well-disposed towards most at this point.  

HS
McLovin2.0's picture

Any person, site, etc. that refers to their method of courting women as "Game" is, yes, misogynistic.  It's the very "toxic masculinity" women complain about and you, I'm assuming, decry as not actually toxic, we're just men, etc. etc.

I can honestly say that I’ve never found Game more necessary than when it’s within the context of marriage.

Lol wtf is he even talking about.  He sounds like the frat bros who got pissed they couldn't get laid in college so they developed "Game" to pick up women.  Total misogynistic snobs.

I’ve also written volumes about the all-risk proposition of marriage for men, and women’s utter inability to appreciate the all-risk sacrifices men assume in committing to marriage.

Yes, marriage is "all risk" for men and women just have an inability to appreciate their man making the "all risk" sacrifice in committing to their marriage.  It reads like nutty satire if it sadly weren't taken so seriously by apparently thousands of rubes.

So it should be obvious that under such conditions if a man chooses to entertain a lifestyle of marriage the only acceptable condition is that it be within his frame and his terms.

This is a fundamental misunderstanding of marriage.

In your single-man-sex-life Game, you have the leisure to Spin Plates, drop the ones which don’t produce dividends, and non-exclusively enjoy the ones who do. Though it may pain you to lose a particular girl as the result of fumbled Game, or to miss the opportunity of experiencing a woman due to a failed approach or consolidation, it pales in comparison to the risks inherent in lacking the long-term Game necessary to contend with women’s hypergamy in the context of marriage.

Yes, I'm sure the guy comparing women to "spinning plates" is not a misogynist at all..../s

there’s a contingent of men who’ll say that it’s impossible to perpetuate the solid Game necessary to assuage female hypergamy indefinitely, and they’d be right too

Yes, yes, very normal stuff here.

https://therationalmale.com/2011/09/02/beta-game/

Anyone who refers to dominant men as Alphas and lesser, submissive, or passive men as Betas is a douchebag not to be taken seriously.  No one who has ever, unironically, used the terms "Blue Pills" and "Red Pills" has turned out not to be a freaking idiot.

I'm not commenting any further on this because it should be obvious.  Sadly, Frrimmel, you are lost in this world of toxic masculinity where you view women as "lesser than" and it's clear based on the posts you've shared that you view women as beings who should exist solely to meet your sexual desires.  I, certainly, would never f*** you.

Buckeye Beast, I hope you are doing alright.  Breakups can be hard, especially when it's the first time after you thought you found The One.  That emotion you're feeling means you actually cared!  It's ok to hurt.  Therapy is good as is getting back into other things you enjoy, which you mentioned.  Time, of course, is the ultimate healer and the further away you get the less it will sting.  Good luck to you!

What, are you trying to be an Irish R&B singer??

HS
Frimmel's picture

It should be obvious that I'm a misogynist? That makes all this a lot easier doesn't it? Dimissing this stuff as toxic. I'm just a toxic misogynistic blasphemer aren't I? Suggesting you Kill the Beta shouldn't be taken seriously. 

If there truly is a first step in internalization then it has to come from educating yourself. This is actually one of the most difficult tasks. If you’re a reader of my blog, or are at least peripherally aware of Game as a concept, this is going to seem pretty obvious, but remember that there’s an entire world of men who are still plugged in. Only a fraction of them will even be amenable to considering Game and positive masculinity, and fewer still will see its value. From our perspective it seems like a matter of course; we read the books/blogs, familiarize ourselves with the concepts, we pick what might work, experiment with ideas, evaluate the validity of them and adopt them or toss them. However what’s apparent to the unplugged seems like blaspheme to the plugged in.

You've got to kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight. 

HS
Wargor's picture

Be careful of 'conversion' experiences when you are vulnerable.  We are much more psychologically open to a wide variety of influences (cults, various religions, radical ideologies, etc.) when we are at a low point.  Feeling down and someone offers a ready-made worldview that makes it all clear.  I'm not saying that that is what this is, but this comment (of yours) does raise a red flag in my opinion.  Might bear further scrutiny.

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

I don't take everything to heart. But anything that would advocate the potential benefits of standing up for yourself is worth the initial look. It's something I've always had a problem with.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
allinosu's picture

I've never had that problem but I know others that have and their moto is 'you have to lay down to be a door matt'. How are you doing in the last couple of weeks?

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

Allin, I think I'm doing a lot better. I finally hit a point where I realize she's not what's best for me, even if I want her to be. I brought that up to the therapist, we're working on it.
Beyond that, I'm eating a lot better, and warming up to doing things I enjoy. They don't seem so pointless as they once did.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
allinosu's picture

I hope to see you on other threads. If you see me, reach out and agree or disagree.

HS
Frimmel's picture

I'm glad to hear it. You were in a bad place when you started this thread and you don't seem to be in one now. You start reading Game stuff and think back to many of your past interactions with women and go, "Ohhhh... that's what happened."

For me the thing no one could explain was why women I was "meh" or "go away" seemed interested and girls I "liked" were repulsed. When I started reading about Game it explained how women perceived confidence. I'd always heard "be confident" without any explanation or regard for what that really meant. Game made that crystal clear. 

It didn't make it any easier but at least I finally got the problem. I didn't start banging everything but I stopped getting friendzoned and otherwise getting used. And I realized I wasn't out of my freaking mind.

Roissy at Chateau Heartiste had a lot of good stuff on part of that dynamic of being aloof. Here's Rollo's take. 

There is a broken Amused Mastery link to Heartiste in Rollo's article. The high point:

I’ve found girls respond like Pavlovian dogs in heat when you don’t take their shit seriously. Anything they say to get under your skin can be skillfully turned into a reverse Jedi mind trick pressing their attraction buttons. The key is to take nothing they say at face value. I’ve mentioned this before — AMUSED MASTERY is the attitude you want to project. Everything she does is cute. All her shit tests are bratty outbursts. Her silly little opinions are adorable. She is there for you to tease and taunt and patronize. Condescend to her at will.

You've got to kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight. 

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

I'm not taking all of it at face value, but a lot of it appeals to me. There's no such thing as infallible logic, but it's certainly rare in today's society for someone to point out the irrationality of "meant to be" thing. It just makes sense that there's plenty of good fits & bad fits out there, not one person for everyone & that's it.
I think relationships that work are a product of finding a good fit for you when you're at a point personally where you're ready to make it work. It's like when you hear the "I met the right person at the wrong time" excuse. I think that's a real phenomenon.
One thing I like about that site is the points about using rejection as a learning experience, and confidence being the product of having options because having options eliminates desperation. It tries to push people away from the scarcity mindset, and even if it's way of doing so isn't 100% perfect, it's not the worst start.

Aesculus Glabra

HS
Wargor's picture

When you say it is rare for someone to point out the irrationality of "meant to be", I think you may be seeing things from a perspective that just hasn't been exposed to it as much.  In this, or the other thread you mentioned finding comfort in religion / bible study.  At the risk of way overgeneralizing, there is a strong bias in many of those communities towards the concept of a divine plan.  That line of thinking does lend itself to concepts like destiny, meant to be, inshallah, etc.  There are plenty of people out there comfortably living without the concept of a divine plan and along with it concepts like twu wuv (much as they can make for entertaining fiction).  I wonder if you just haven't been exposed to as much of that, because it certainly is out there in today's society.  

Please don't take that as a knock on religion though, as if it works for you, that is what matters most.

HS
Frimmel's picture

I meant to reply to this yesterday but got side-tracked.

I'm just pointing you to the information. Take what you want. Leave the rest. You have to figure out what is going to work for you and your goals and your circumstances. I'm atheist. I can't help you with information sorting this stuff out with your faith for example. You're on your own with sorting this stuff into your beliefs there. 

A scarcity mindset is one of the most damaging things you can have in your romantic endeavors. Go back to your Commandments. Its Commandment Seven and also Commandment Ten. When you get your mind set that you don't need to deal with any one girl's noise as there is another hotter girl waiting for her turn to be with you or you've just got other things to do there is a lot less stress in your life. 

 

You've got to kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight. 

HS
Buckeye Beast's picture

Frimmel, I enjoy the articles. I don't agree with every last bit of it, but a lot of it makes sense. It's a new perspective.
I've been lifting weights for a long time, and I learned that even if I don't want to look like one, pro bodybuilders have some of the best tricks up their sleeves. On that note, if I don't want my life to revolve around a woman, there's worse people to listen to than those who've been successful there. I can pick and choose what works for me and apply it, and there's nothing wrong with that.
The scarcity mindset is poisonous no matter who you are. I've seen instances in my life where I shunned it, and had a great period of happiness follow. I've also had times where I've embodied it, specifically in romance, and I can honestly say it's cost me EVERY time. Any path away from that, so long as I'm not killing or hurting others/myself, breaking a law, or deliberately treating others like trash, is ok with me.

Aesculus Glabra

HS