Big Ten State Beer Consumption Rankings

ziplock007's picture
May 6, 2013 at 9:57 pm

Good Evening Buckeye Fans.  I know we're all enjoying 11W's own Johnny Ginter's Big Ten State Ranking list of... whatever it is state's have official things of.  It's nice to know Ohio is first in official state birds, state flowers, and state mottos.  There's all sorts of state insignia lists to rank; everything from bats to beverages.
Fun fact: In 2001 Pennsylvania became the only B1G state to adpot an official state toy.  Yep, in 2001 Penn State's commonwealth was busy adopting the Slinky as it's state toy.  I hear they did other stuff back in 2001, but I leave it to the reader to make tasteless attempts at humor.
Inspiration nudged me to rank the official state beverages until I found out that most states, such as Michigan, didn't participate.  Those that did typically cherish cow milk, which is the key non-alcoholic ingredient in The Dude's favorite elixir.  Although Ohio does get the uniqueness award as we choose Tomato Juice... anyone for a bloody mary?

Without any official state lists, I will divert this essay to the college football's most adorned potion: BEER! Whether you're a starving student (Natty Lite in a can), the working class (Natty Lite in a cup), or very well off (Natty Lite and caviar) you've likely overindulged at a football game. Let's Explore The B1G's Beer Consumption Rankings.

Apparently, there's a Beer Institute, and they take the time to measure consumption in gallons per person per year.  By no surprise Utah bottomed out the list at #50 with a paltry 19.2 gallons per person per year.  While non-B1G New Hampshire leads the union with 43 gallons per person per year.  Do the math, that's nearly a pint a day per person, every damn day.  Considering their state motto is "Live Free or Die Hard," they apparently do both.
#1 - Wisconsin - 36.2 gallons per person per year (6th in nation)
It had to be Wisconsin, it all makes sense.  This explains the spitting.  This also explains why their former head coach incessantly whined when losing recruits and gained 10 pounds for every year of tenure.  So how's this for official rankings: 1st in beer, 2nd in Rose Bowls, 3rd in the Bg Ten Leader's Division.
#2 - Nebraska - 34.6 gallons per person per year (9th in nation)
Nebraksa tried to win these rankings, but then realized they haven't won a conference title since the 90's.  Rather than try, why not give up 70 points in a conference title game and offer a defense so porous it created 90% of Braxton's highlight.
Nebraska, you try hard, but you're an 'almost.'  You almost win conferences, almost win bowl games, almost recruit, almost relevant... get the idea?
#3 - Iowa - 33.7 gallons per person per year (13th in nation)
Why drink in Iowa City?  I have no idea.  Is it because Kirk Ferentz nets $4,000,000 per year for the next six years?  Is it because his buyout is so prohibitively expensive that terminating him would make him the 16th highest paid coach in college football for not coaching?  Yeah, it's probably that.

  :)Best with Caviar

#4 - Ohio - 30.6 Gallons per Buckeye (21st in nation)
Ok, Admit it.  You thought when you clicked this, Ohio would be #1.  Perhaps you and stats disagree?  Perhaps we have a lot to celebrate, but are last in B1G disappointments.
Our Head Coach is Urban Meyer, our Offensive Coordinator is not Jim Bollman, and National Titles await. You can't win at everything; a measly national title will suffice.
If it makes you feel better we're one ahead of Alabama in the national rankings, but GERMAN VILLAGE IS ANGRY! 
#5 - Pennsylvania - 29.1 gallons per person per year (27th in nation)
Drink up Lions, there's much to forget.
#6 - Illinois - 28.9 gallons per person per year (28th in nation)
Illinois, be happy.  For once you're not last, but you'll never celebrate again.
What does Illinois' last Football Title, the transistor, and the Korean War have in common? 1951.
#7 - Minnesota - 27.7 gallons per person per year (33rd in nation)
Minnesota, you're like celery: bland, insipid, devoid of zest.  You're in the bottom half where you shall remain forever, bereft of life, happiness, and quality wins.
#8 - TSUN - 26.9 gallons per person per year (36th in nation)
You're supposed to be our rival.  Your state has a great duality with a tradition rich in winning (Michigan) & failure (Rich Rod, Michigan State).
Ann Arbor: Drink because Hoke has you on the brink of relevancy.  Drink because Rich Rod is 3 time zones away.  Drink because Ohio State has Urban Meyer.
East Lansing: Without you, Michigan wouldn't have a rivalry it could actually win.

Michigan, Is this the best your can do?  You'd be dead last if it weren't for...
#9 - Indiana - 26.1 gallons per person per year (39th in nation)
Last place?!?  Unlike sports, drinking involves no talent whatsoever.  How can a state be devoid in both talent and the lack thereof?
Bobby Knight isn't happy.
Unfortunately, Jim Delaney lent you a helping hand.   Your days of bottom feeding are numbered because...
#10 & 11 - Maryland & New Jersey - 23.3 & 22.3 gallons per person per year (46th & 47th in nation)

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