The Time Traveler: Analysis of Anger

southernstatesbuckeye's picture
June 19, 2013 at 12:56 am

Greetings, time liners.  I have popped in to your present to assure you of the future.  It doesn't take a Time Traveler to tell you what's coming.  Just trust it.  I once told Ray, a friend of mine, "If you build it, they will come."  But that was another sport altogether. 
I am here because IT is coming to Ohio State.  Yes, steel yourselves for a host of naysayers throughout the summer and the football year...they will swarm like MAYflies on a warm moist night crying and buzzing about their frenzied claim that we don't belong in a championship game...but I don't need a crystal ball to see a new crystal ball sporting its hot self in Ohio State's Trophy Room.  It is the future.
But how did we get there?
A look back on the year 2013-14 revealed the craftiness of Urban Meyer in applying the science of (HO)2C6H3CH(OH)CH2NHCH3 to the success of the championship run.   Huh?   (HO)2C6H3CH(OH)CH2NHCH3?  Anger.  ANGER!!!  As you can see, its formula is uniquely suited for use at Ohio State...but first, the backstory:
An artful motivational speaker is Urban Meyer, and in discussions with his coaches right now, is tweaking the approach for the fall, I assure you.  We all know that ANGER is a large focus in the 2013 season already dubbed "The Chase". 
Anger.  It is one of the most basic human emotions.  It is a physical and mental response to a threat or to harm done in the past (perceived or real).  Anger takes many different forms...from irritation to lingering resentment to blinding rage that becomes an uncontrollable monster.
And of course, the best (anger) motivation happens when perception is closest to reality.  The pundits really DO doubt that an Ohio State team is ready NOW to take down the mighty SEC.  It really DOES seem like the burden is on OUR shoulders for the recent humbling of the Big Ten (though our record is above reproach in the BCS era).  Other fan bases actually DO mock us for being "arrogant" in our assumption to the throne of college football (as yet, still in our heads, but soon to be remedied). 
So yeah.  This team DOES have valid bulletin board drawing points for their anger.  All true.  But the beauty of THIS anger...and the genius-ness of the mad Dr. found in the nature of the PHYSICAL effects that anger has on the human body.  Let's analyze Anger for a moment:
Many of our emotions are linked to a particular physical response, but Anger just happens to get the mind and body ready for ACTION of some kind.  It arouses the nervous system, increases the heart rate, blood pressure, and blood flow to muscles.  This prepares the muscles for imminent physical combat.  The blood sugar level rises, and perspiration begins. It also sharpens the senses and increases the production of adrenalin (epinephrine) and nonepinephrine...hormones produced in times of anger or stress...and famously known to exponentially increase strength and agility as well.
However, along with these physical changes, anger is thought to affect the way we THINK.  Anger is thought to speed up the synaptic firing sequences in response to the flood of adrenalin, and helps us quickly translate complex information into simple terms: 'right' or 'wrong' for instance (or perhaps cover this guy instead of that guy)...the point is that a quicker translation of decision making factors happens.  This allows a person (like a football player) to appear to react quicker than others (akin to the "game slowing down").  This can be useful in an emergency as we don’t waste valuable time weighing up information that doesn’t affect the moment's core decision.  And useful also, as Urban has discovered, to set up a sort of "controlled anger" mentality, which feeds adrenalin intermittently as needed by the practiced user of said "controlled anger".
In short, Anger allows us to make quicker decisions!
Now I know you say, but wait...doesn't anger make people do STUPID things too?
Yes.  Yes, it does.
We all have vivid memories of some friend, relative, or complete stranger (or shockingly, myself) acting in stupendously stupid stupidity at the moment of anger.  Anger makes you crazy!!  Well, that is until it is harnessed scientifically by the cunning staff at Ohio State to bring about the perfect storm of physical changes in the bodies of their players in a controlled, sustainable way! 
Of course, since this is a "controlled substance", look for the NCAA to ban it soon after the season, Nick Saban to decry its use in fueling the illegal Jet Offense that insidiously puts opponents at a health risk, and half the known universe of Ohio State haters to mock at whatever we do...until the second Rose Bowl.
But seriously, would it surprise you to learn that the diet of our players also addresses foods that aid in the production and use of epinephrine?
But do you know what the coolest feature of epinephrine is?  As demonstrated above, its scientific formula is UNIQUELY Ohio State, for its designation is (HO)2C6H3CH(OH)CH2NHCH3, and any objective fan in the future understands that (OH) and (HO) are simply imprinted mirror codes that can be read from either side of the DNA coil. 
Oh yeah.
The Time Traveler


View 9 Comments