NHL to Join B1G as All Sports Member

cplunk's picture
February 20, 2013 at 8:33 am

In a shocking stunner of a development, B1G President Jim Delaney announced today that the entire National Hockey League has accepted a membership offer extended by the B1G. All thirty NHL teams will begin B1G conference play in all sports beginning with the 2014 season.
“We’re excited,” said Jim Delaney, “This brings us into many of the marketplaces we’ve coveted, and to bring in a group that has the kind of academic and research background of the Philadelphia Flyers is just top notch. These teams will bring in many of the demographics we covet, including both Russians with little to no knowledge of college football and Canadian Mounties.”
NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman also expressed excitement at the move.
“As you know, we’ve been plagued by labor strikes in recent years, and one of the easiest ways to resolve that situation was simply to turn our players into virtual slaves, subservient to the NCAA’s every whim and ridiculous rule. I, for one, am extremely excited to begin creating classes and forcing our players to select majors they’ll never use. Henrik Lundqvist for example has already selected General Studies, and we look forward to hiring a General Studies professor for the New York Rangers as soon as possible.”
Many college realignment experts expressed skepticism at the move, with a few openly questioning the wisdom of admitting the teams as full sports members.
“It’ll be a challenge, “ acknowledged Bettman, “but we’ve got some things planned to get our other sports up and running. We’re particularly concerned with the women’s sports of course, but Alexander Ovechkin can already miss a bunch of layups so we’ve got options. Sex changes, cross dressing, and things like that. Probably we could also recruit some women or whatever.”
Delaney seemed far more excited than his usual demeanor.
“Do you know how many divisions there are in the NHL??? There’s like eight or something. Maybe more! This is fantastic. Legends, Leaders, East, West, Inner, Outer, we can use every name we’ve ever thought up. And there’s even some more left over to still name!”
Delaney was more reserved, however, when asked about rumors that eventually some teams would be eliminated from the now 44 member conference.
“Well, obviously we can do 11 pods of 4 or maybe 8 pods of 5 and a pod of 4, which would leave a space for any historically important Catholic midwestern universities that are independent right now to join if that sort of thing ever happened to come up. So there’s not really a need to eliminate teams. I mean I guess if we had to then probably the Canadiens would go, because they’re French. But I don’t want to say too much or talk about how much I hate the team nickname Ducks or the fact that I’ve had a bad meal every time I’ve ever been to San Jose. And we sorta already have a Minnesota, even if they're no very good.”
Almost immediately following the B1G announcement, rumors began to arise that the Big East was considering adding all of the teams in the WNBA as football only members. It is unlikely that realignment is finished for this offseason.

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