Nick Saban: "Dammit - your 4-star high school legend pedigree doesn't cut it here in Tuscaloosa. Somebody break this kids kneecaps before I do it myself"
Graduate Asst Coach: "Yes Sir" [whack, whack, whack]
4-Star Player: [Screams of terror & excrutiating pain]
Saban: "Sorry son, looks like your football career has ended with a tragic knee injury. Accept this Medical Hardship as a thank you for your hard work over the past 2 weeks."
4-Star Player: [Vomitting & on the cusp of passing out]
Saban: "Somebody get that F*#%&@ng Oversigning Van in this damn parking lot pronto. We should have that Taylor kid from Atlanta in there...he's been tied up and gagged for months in that hot mess, and should be itching to play some football for the Crimson Tide"