Saturday Skull Session: Get Dumped Then, Minnesota

By D.J. Byrnes on November 7, 2015 at 4:59 am
#CardaleJonesRevivalWeek
#shoutout to @BuckeyeVisuals
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It's been 20 minutes and I'm still struggling to think of mean things about Minnesota to type into the Internet. The best I have is it's a state where sitting in a shanty on a frozen lake in the dead of winter is considered entertainment.

Sure, its football team could be better, but it's not as if Gophers fans are out here demanding to be taken seriously. A Dilly Bar diviner roams their sidelines. They've beaten Ohio State at home one time since 1949. 

What is there to hate about this team? I'm mystified, but LOL if you think this is enough to save Goldy from the wrath of the Get Dumped Then Express. The tax man will have his slice; goofy yet adorable accents be damned.

 THE DAY'S SLATE. Or as I call it, "Meeeeh."

TIME (ET) GAME FAVORITE TELEVISION
12:00 PENN STATE at No. 21 NORTHWESTERN NU (-1½) ESPNU
12:00 VANDERBILT at No. 10 FLORIDA UF (-21) ESPN
12:00 No. 5 NOTRE DAME AT PITTSBURGH ND (-8½) ABC
1:00 No. 11 STANFORD at COLORADO STAN (-16½) PAC12
3:30 No. 16 FLORIDA STATE at No. 1 CLEMSON CLEM (-10½) ABC
3:30 ARKANSAS at No. 18 OLE MISS MISS (-10) CBS
3:30 RUTGERS at No. 17 MICHGIAN UM (-24½) BTN
3:30 No. 8 TEXAS CHRISTIAN at No. 14 OKLAHOMA STATE TCU (-5½) FOX
3:30 CINCINNATI at No. 25 HOUSTON UH (-9) ESPN2
4:30 No. 23 UCLA at OREGON STATE UCLA (-17½) PAC12
7:00 NAVY at No. 13 MEMPHIS UM (-9) ESPN2
7:00 IOWA STATE at No. 15 OKLAHOMA OU (-25½) ESPNU
7:00 No. 7 MICHIGAN STATE at NEBRASKA MSU (-6½) ESPN
7:30 No. 12 UTAH at WASHINGTON UW (-1½) FOX
7:30 AUBURN at No. 19 TEXAS A&M A&M (-7) SEC
8:00 No. 2 LOUISIANA STATE at No. 4 ALABAMA BAMA (-7) CBS

My (4-6) underdog money line pick of the week is also my alarm clock:

 LET'S RIDE, IRON KING. You might have noticed the Cardale Jones header photos this week, which I dubbed #CardaleJonesRevivalWeek.

It's all part of my masterplan to use my Marionaire mysticism to will Cardale Jones into a performance we all know he can deliver.

What turned Cardale Jones the Tweeter into The Iron King, Cardale Jones, First of His Name, Poacher of Badgers, Controller of Tides, Slayer of Ducks, Troll Sultan, and 12th Son of Ohio was the unapologetic swagger.

This isn't about the absence of that swagger this season. This is about this specific date in history and Cardale Jones being as free as he's been since he mopped up the Michigan's gooey remains in 2014.

From Dispatch.com:

Cardale Jones has been awarded such a do-over, returning as Ohio State’s quarterback today against Minnesota after having lost the starting job to J.T. Barrett two weeks ago. What will he do with it?

“I expect Cardale to go out and have a big game,” said Justin Zwick, who knows what it is like to own the day, fade into dusk and rise again into the light. “I have been through this, where you’re finally going out to play a game where you don’t have to worry about messing up.”

[...]

“I had nothing to worry about. My attitude was to just go out and have a good time,” Zwick said, referencing the two starts in which he was able to play loose because [Troy] Smith momentarily was out of the picture.

*in my 'screaming Luke Fickell' voice* LET IT FLY, DOLO. LET. IT. FLY.

 COACH? MORE LIKE CEO. Remember when Wisconsin's president speculated Jim Harbaugh and Urban Meyer were overpaid? Well, more research indicates that an elite coach is worth his weight in platinum (and more).

From NYT.com:

The athletic director and the salesman, the football coach and the sorority sister, have all taken their places for what, at least seven Saturdays here each year, becomes the center of the Alabama universe: game day. It is equal parts war on the field and worship service, and it serves as the centerpiece of Alabama Football Inc., an enterprise that generates more than $95 million annually.

[...]

Alabama’s football pre-eminence on television and in the postseason, along with an aggressive plan to extend the university reach beyond the state, has helped attract a more academically-minded student body in the past decade from all over the country and served as the catalyst for more than $1.7 billion in fund-raising, according to those who have engineered the explosive growth.

In the last decade, enrollment has increased by more than 55 percent, to a record 37,100 students this fall, and more than half of the students now are from out of state, another seismic shift. The acceptance rate in the last decade fell to 54 percent, from 72 percent. This year, 2,261 freshmen are enrolled in its Honors College, two and half times the number 10 years ago. Its 174 National Merit and National Achievement finalists rank Alabama among the top five public universities.

Just remember, folks: Any of this money going to players would crumble the thread of society and send us back to the stone ages. Could you imagine the horror of living in a world where a booster could give $40 million to a school AND buy a player a steak dinner? The thought alone almost turned me into a meth dealer with an exclusively middle schooler clientele.

 THAT'S SO DANG B1G. Ohio State: The People. The Tradition. The Excellence.

From ESPN.com:

He built Ohio State’s Horseshoe and Iowa’s Kinnick Stadium. He even designed Penn State’s Beaver Stadium and Michigan’s Big House.

But Matt Jenkins isn’t a master architect or an experienced designer. He’s a 29-year-old systems information analyst near Columbus, Ohio -- and it just so happens his creations are comprised of Legos and come in 5-by-5 inch bundles.

[...]

“Not having a lot of disposable income, I just figured I’d start tinkering with it when I put my daughter to bed,” said Jenkins, who lives about a 25-minute drive from The Horseshoe. “And, lo and behold, I’ve created a monster.”

Jenkins opened a custom shop on Etsy just last month, despite his wife’s belief that “it was kind of stupid.” But he’s already been surprised by the response. One Hawkeyes official inquired about purchasing up to 500 Lego Kinnick Stadiums, and he’s sold close to four dozen other stadiums at $50 apiece.

You laughed, Mrs. Jenkins, but now the only one laughing is Mr. Jenkins on his way to the bank with that Etsy tycoon money.

 #PERTINENTHEISENBERG. Let's hope Ohio State's graduate assistants listened to Kerry Coombs' lecture on the intricacies of dissolving a corpse with acid in a bathtub.

PREDICTION: 52-10.

 THOSE WMDs. Gritty Bill Nye is currently the internet's dankest meme... The Indoorsman eats a McGriddle... There's an old-fashioned price war for flights to Hawai'i... How the Kansas City Royals built a winning culture... The saga of a Youtube body building broscience celebrity.

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