The $10,000 Presidential Power Parlay: Chaos

By D.J. Byrnes on October 3, 2014 at 4:20 pm
Warren G. Harding, fag dangling off his lips, removes his smoking jacket and prepares to get down to brass tacks.
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WARNING: The content of the $10,000 Presidential Power Parlay is intended for mature audiences. Viewer discretion is highly advised. Seriously.

Our nation's 29th (and greatest) president, Warren Gamaliel Harding, was a renowned gambler, golfer and lover of life. As such, his sage wagering advice and stories of criminal bravado are brought here through the medieval art of necromancy.

Seeing as President Harding ushered us into economic success unheard of in human history (before being tragically assassinated by his jealous wife, causing the tanking of the economy), his words might as well be chiseled into stone tablets. (All views and opinions presented should only be considered those of President Warren G. Harding.) 

LAST PARLAY: 0-3
SEASON: 0-3
HONEYPOT: -$10,000


LOL to any man that doesn't know chaos in his life. My psychologist, who is also my moll, says I crave chaos. And to that I say... "so?"

What's more insane: waking up to a crying baby at 4:30 AM on a Tuesday or waking up naked in a Jaurez gutter at 9:30 on a Tuesday morning? At least the hangover will go away within 18 years.

Is piecing your life back together in a foreign country without any understanding of the native language, penniless, and without a passport is a bit harder than impregnating a some slattern and raising a sperm? 

I'll let my legendary runner-and-gunner speak on that:

Anything easy, ain't worth a damn.– Woody Haze, COLLEGE football coach

Unlike ol' Woody, I'm not out to build anything for society. I'd like to live as far away from civilization as possible — but my addictions would never allow it.

So, I live in the shadows. I eat nails for breakfast and snort my lunch and dinner. Some might consider me a parasite — but I'm just trying to get it like I live.

It wasn't until the odor from my unwashed, pink body wafted into my nostrils in the hot Mexican morning; the mixture of urine, rum, and garbage reminded me that this world is not a fairytale. There are no story lines. There is nothing but chaos

I think the chaos is what draws me to college football, and when I look at this weekend's slate, I feel a thickening in my loins.

There are many enticing games this weekend, but parlays are like coitus: parties more than three are too much work. 

This week's anthem goes something like this:

Alabama (-5.5); RUTGERS (-2); Oklahoma (-5)– The $10,000 Presidential Power Parlay

I like Alabama (-5.5), because rebels against America have never fared well. You might say, "Alabama was rebel too," but last I checked, they don't idolize their treason through the nickname of their "school." 

And who the hell has Ole Miss played? Their best win is against the remnants of Boise State. If you attached this resume to my beloved Ohio State Buckeyes, I doubt they'd crack the Top 25. 

Eli Manning ain't walking through those doors, Ole Miss, and neither is that traitor Robert E. Lee (because it's hard to walk on a bent knee.) "Oh but we drink liquor in a grove of trees." Hell, that's like drinking in fancy outdoor toilet if you ask me.

Speaking of Hell, Ole Miss is headed straight there courtesy of the Prince of Darkness, Nick Saban.

I would say Rutgers (-2) over Michigan is as easy as taking candy from a baby, but I think the average soulless baby has better defense than Michigan. Brady Hoke's Michigan has been trash on the road, and it's not like three-plus years of evidence is going to be turned back in one week. (Especially after a week like Michigan just had.) Of all three components, this one is considered what we in the business call "a gambling lock."

Oklahoma (-5) vs. Texas Christian is another simple game. Granted, I wasn't the most vigorous Sunday school student, but I don't recall Jesus ever posting an impressive 40 time.

But what about chaos, you might say? Well, I'm betting on the chaos inherent in three better teams kicking the snot out of lesser competition. When the opponents' best wins are against Boise State, Miami (OH), and Minnesota.... this parlay might as well be written in the blood of my enemies.

Oh... that's right... it is.

Prayers to my enemies marked for death. From this chaos we shall rise together, my friends.

The Cocaine Sensei, 

DA GAWD
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