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Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Cleveland Browns

sharks's picture
August 26, 2014 at 12:38pm
23 Comments
mh277907's picture

This article could have stopped at "Why your team sucks 2014: Cleveland Browns"

buckeyebobcat

+7 HS
sox33osu's picture

Bro, do you even Cleveland?

+2 HS
mh277907's picture

For 25 years, unfortunately, brah. 

buckeyebobcat

+3 HS
703Buckeye's picture

For three hours I have been trying to think of something witty to say about the Browns but now I am just pissed off after thinking about the Browns for three hours.

Story of my life.

"Attack the Strong, Trample the Weak, Hurdle the Dead!"
-Former OSU S&C Coach Lichter

+2 HS
ShowThemOhiosHere's picture

Purely gold article, considering that it doesn't take a lot of reasoning to come up with the conclusion that the Cleveland Browns suck.  Seriously, you say "Browns suck" and people just believe you.

Class of 2010.

Alhan's picture

Josh said - "I was raised a Yankees fan. I started rooting for the Browns to even up my karma. So far, so good.

Other notable comment - "If a construction worker shits on his vest, you have or team colors."

"Nom nom nom" - Brady Hoke

AndyVance's picture

I laughed out loud - a lot - reading this one. I thought this reader comment was pure poetry:

Before any of you fans from other cities think you have it worse than us, ask yourself:

1) Has your football team made it to the Super Bowl?

2) Do you have a sports franchise that won a championship (of any significance) in the last 66 years?

3) Did you cheer for a football team that moved to a different city, became a perennial contender (and won two Super Bowls), while, three years later, you received a bag of flaming shit on your door step with the words "Football Team" written on it in sharpie? Did that flaming bag of shit continue to burn for 15 years (and counting)?

4) Did the greatest basketball player of a generation make sweet championship babies with the least deserving city in the U.S., and then come crawling back to much adulation because your city is so goddamned starved for a championship that — like a man that has been in prison for several decades — it will take anything that remotely resembles what it's looking for to get the job done?

5) Has your "rival" football team beaten you 19 out of the last 21 times, the two exceptions being a 13-9 screamer played in -10 degree weather in 2009 and a 20-14 victory in which your Browns forced EIGHT TURNOVERS (3 INTs, 5 Fumbles) yet the game came down to the last possession?

6) Does your baseball team have the most racist logo in sports, but nobody gives a fuck because they haven't been relevant since the mid-1990s?

7) Did the only playmaker you've had in 25 years smoke and drink his way into what is looking more and more like a season-long suspension?

8) Has your football team played on Sunday or Monday Night Football since Barack Obama was serving as president?

Every single year I get excited about the impending Cleveland Browns season. Every single year I know I shouldn't be getting excited. Every single year I convince myself, that if EVERYTHING goes right, the Browns might go 8-8, which seems like an awfully modest goal. And every single year they go 5-11, or 4-12, miss out on the highest draft picks and lather, rinse, repeat.

On the bright side, it's going to be exciting to watch Johnny Football separate his shoulder trying to stretch a 3-yard gain into a meaningless first-down late in a game that doesn't matter because we were eliminated from playoff contention in mid-October.

+3 HS
Rob Reese's picture

The stark reality of most of what he said has made me want to cry.

+1 HS
OSUStu's picture

I got big laughs out of this one.  Magary rung up my Steelers nicely as well, along with the Bengals.  I guess if you can't laugh at yourself...or your team...

If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them.  ~ Bruce Lee

+2 HS
AndyVance's picture

The Stillers piece was good, and very true in many ways, but the "fan" comments sounded a lot less like comments from actual Steelers fans than they did like gripes about Steelers fans...

+1 HS
OSUStu's picture

Yeah. I'm not convinced that the fan comments in all the articles aren't written by Magary himself. They are all very similar in tone and style. A lot of "so and so can get F'd in the A with such and such."

If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them.  ~ Bruce Lee

+1 HS
AndyVance's picture

Very likely the case... Although the Browns ones actually sounded like Browns fans I know. I just don't hear other Steelers fans ranting about the fan base the way those "comments" indicated. But we do talk about the Rooney family in reverential tones, we do call it a "classy franchise" doing things "the right way" and everything bad is always Big Ben's fault.

Mr. Bungle's picture

Too funny.  The fan additions are priceless. 

+1 HS
CTBuckeye's picture

Did anyone else watch "Draft Day" and think that maybe the Browns had a shot this year - only to watch the real draft and realize we didn't follow the sage advice of Kevin Costner (drafting a hot shot, can't miss QB)?

You know you're a fan of a rough franchise, when you tell people you're a Browns fan and the general response is "oh, that must be tough."

"Because we couldn't go for three"

+2 HS
Travis's picture

To this point... our preseason offense looks like garbage.

There's one good play for every 10 bad ones.

Of course pre-season means nothing, but if this carries over, Kyle Shanahan needs to go. Didn't want him in the first place.

They need a 2 to tie, a 3 to win it; Sylvester for threeeee... OOOOOOOOOHHHHHH OHHHHHHHHHHH WITH FIVE POINT ONE TO GO!!!

mh277907's picture

Firing another coach is not going to solve anything. I, mean, seriously. Look who he has to work with. How about we draft some offensive players that actually have talent. 

buckeyebobcat

Fear The Elf's picture

Just going to consider this penance for what the Cavs are doing.

Seabass1974's picture

Whenever I tell people I'm a Browns fan I usually receive a sad face followed by a hug. Then they ask me who is my backup team.

The harder you work, the harder it is to surrender. - Woody Hayes

lamplighter's picture

This was tremendous - I haven't laughed so much in a long time.  I especially liked Kevin's list dating back to 1981

+1 HS
Seattle Linga's picture

I love my Brownies first but it makes life a little easier when I am living in the backyard of my second favorite team. I was not a big Sneeky Pete fan but I love the Hawks. His culture is very infectious and I think they will repeat as champs.

+1 HS
whiskeyjuice's picture

I wonder how many NCAA teams could beat the Browns? 

"You'll find out that nothing that comes easy is worth a dime. As a matter of fact, I never saw a football player make a tackle with a smile on his face." -- Wayne Woodrow Hayes

+2 HS
1MechEng's picture

There's a reason why they call Cleveland the "Factory of Sadness". As a native Clevelander now in Toledo, I have felt the pain of being a fan of the city's sports teams for 40+ years. They're like some weird illegal drug - you know they're bad, but your hooked on them anyway.

Once ... just once ... I would like to see a Cleveland team (other than indoor soccer - Force/Crunch!) win a title. Hopefully this happens before I die ...

whiskeyjuice's picture

And are the reason that I drink more than I should..........

"You'll find out that nothing that comes easy is worth a dime. As a matter of fact, I never saw a football player make a tackle with a smile on his face." -- Wayne Woodrow Hayes

+1 HS