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Ohio State Fake News Roundup 6/22

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June 22, 2017 at 3:58pm
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TATE MARTELL SENDS CALL TO ARMS TO ALL 'SONS OF OHIO'

Earlier in the month Ohio State freshman quarterback Tate Martell and his party of dwarves were reported lost in the Misty Mountains of Michigan. While in the last week Martell has emerged, alive and in good health, according to the one reporter (the only survivor of a party of twenty who attempted a journey to the Misty Mountains) who has recently interviewed Martell, all is not well. While the great dragon of Michigan has been slain, its armor withered and its teeth blunted, its fires extinguished and its wings stilled forever, the dragon's vast hoard of treasure has attracted the wrong kind of attention.

According to Martell, Jim Harbaugh has ridden from Ann Arbor in his Ford F-150 with an army of Uruk-Hai behind him. While Martell has managed to make alliances with Mark Dantonio and his army of 300 (mostly overweight and asthmatic) Spartans fans as well as Canadian singer-songwriter Alanis Morissette and her army of giant intelligent eagles, he fears this will not be enough to defend the treasure. As such, Martell has blown the horn of Toledo and summoned all true sons of Ohio to flock to his banner and fight at his side.

We will continue to update this story as more developments arise.

BRUTUS BUCKEYE TO BE REPLACED AS OHIO STATE MASCOT

In a shocking announcement earlier today, Ohio State Athletics announced that after 52 years of service as mascot to the Ohio State Buckeyes, anthropomorphic buckeye Brutus Buckeye will be retired. Asked why they'd elected to retire such a beloved mascot and university tradition, Athletics Director Gene Smith said that "most people just can't relate to a humanoid poisonous nut."

Instead of Brutus Buckeye, the university has chosen a new mascot that "accurately reflects" the average Ohioan. The new mascot is named Chazz Buckeye, and will be modeled after a Acme Fresh Market cashier. In an unusual break from mascot tradition, Chazz will have no costume, but rather be played by an actor dressed in an Ohio State themed cashier's apron. In lieu of acrobatic tricks and punching himself in the head as Brutus was wont to do, he'll pace the sidelines taking drags from his cigarette while looking at his iPhone, alternating between swiping through Tinder and taking Craigslist calls about an old loveseat couch he's trying to sell.

"The fans will love Chazz because he's just like them." Smith said. "He knows what it's like to work a crappy job that doesn't pay enough but to have to pretend you love it. He takes smoke breaks and eats way too much White Castle and then regrets it later. He plays the guitar and likes to tell people about how he was part of the original Counting Crows lineup 'before they got big.' He's an everyman!"

 STILLWATER RESIDENTS DELIVER ULTIMATUM RE: MIKE GUNDY'S MULLET

It transpired today that residents of Stillwater, Oklahoma are threatening to leave en masse if Oklahoma State University football coach Mike Gundy's mullet is allowed to grow any stronger.

"It's growing more powerful by the day," one resident who wanted to remain anonymous for his own safety. "We all thought it was funny at first when [Mike] Gundy was growing it out, but then it became self-aware, and the last few days it's started reaching into our heads."

"I'm thinking about Rod Stewart and Full House-era John Stamos all the time," another resident complained. "I never thought about those things before, but the mullet is...it's changing our brains."

When asked if he would consider cutting his mullet, Coach Gundy was unequivocal, refusing to even touch it up.

"I keep trying to tell people, the mullet as a hairstyle is coming back," he said. "These things are all cyclical. In a few weeks--you'll see--I'll be cool, ahead of the curve, a trend-setter. And if a few dozen people are driven to suicide by hallucinations of a young John Stamos, then so be it."

 

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