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Ohio State Fake News Roundup 5/26

+16 HS
MiamiBuckeye's picture
May 26, 2017 at 6:14pm
22 Comments

Hey everyone, apologies for this one being a little shorter than most, I'm incredibly tired today and my creativity has been diverted elsewhere. Hopefully you'll enjoy it regardless. Go Buckeyes!

NEW 'CHEETAHGATE' DETAILS--DEMARIO MCCALL IN HOT WATER

Earlier it was reported by a number of reputable and also not so reputable sports news outlets that runningback Demario McCall of the Ohio State Buckeyes football team tested positive for the blood of a male cheetah, a new form of performance enhancer that scientists say has "no discernible benefits and in fact quite a few obvious risks" but that is well known to make the human body, in the words of noted sports expert and all-around genius trillionaire Kirk "Action Bastard" Ferentz, "hench as all fuck."

If the allegations are confirmed, Demario McCall's 2017 season may be in jeopardy, and at least one resident of the state of Michigan has already called for the death penalty.

 CARDALE JONES LIABLE FOR DAMAGES AFTER SATELLITE INCIDENT

Former Ohio State quarterback and current Buffalo Bills quarterback Cardale Jones may be on the hook for $1.5 billion after a mishap during the Bills' last scrimmage, when an off-target pass by Jones reached escape velocity and barreled out of the stratosphere. The ball struck a DirectTV satellite and jostled it enough to cause its orbit to degrade, such that the satellite fell and burnt up in the upper atmosphere. DirectTV claims the loss of the satellite has disrupted service for as many as 13 people in western South Dakota.

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