Hello everyone, this is going to be a truncated edition as I'm cramped for time at the moment, but I hope you all enjoy it nonetheless.
DAY, WILSON PROMISE "BOLD NEW QB SYSTEM"
After an offense and pass-heavy spring game which showcased the promising talent available in Ohio State's quarterback room, quarterbacks coach Ryan Day and offensive coordinator Kevin Wilson turned heads by outlining a new offensive scheme that would make use of three or even four quarterbacks simultaneously. While details are as of now light, Coach Wilson was available for comment and suggested that Ohio State's approach in the 2017 season may be heavy with trick plays and misdirection.
"Envision this scenario," Coach Wilson said, spreading his hands out as if to pantomime a movie screen, "Empty backfield, no tight-ends, four quarterbacks on the field. Other team doesn't know what's what. Center hikes the ball to Barrett, JT drops back, pitches the ball to Burrow, only he hasn't pitched the ball to Burrow--the ball was never in his hands--Burrow's holding an eggplant. And all of a sudden their attention shifts to Haskins, who's sitting at a card table wearing a bookie's visor and getting an early start on filing his taxes, and the moment they realize this was all an elaborate ruse, Tate Martell's just torched them for forty yards."
It was then that Coach Wilson revealed that while he served as Oklahoma's offensive coordinator for eight years he was also moonlighting as a stage magician under the moniker "The Fantabulous Kevin."
MARK DANTONIO COMES CLEAN ABOUT HIS MIND POWERS
In a recent interview Mark Dantonio made a rather startling announcement that surprised absolutely no one who had seen any football games between Ohio State and Michigan State in the last two years. His claim, which no one has bothered to contest because it seems so obvious and coordinates so well with what any even keeled observer would have noted, is that he has the power to influence minds via a form of telepathy, but that it only works on one person. Unfortunately for the Ohio State Buckeyes, that person is head coach Urban Meyer.
"I could command him to walk into a wall or staple his hand to a desk if I wanted, but I find the best use of the power is just to command him to run JT Barrett a couple dozen times even when it's not working out for them," Dantonio said.
He went on to describe how he received his power, as a collateral spinoff of the much greater event that bestowed on New England Patriots' coach Bill Belichik the awesome power to rattle and bend the wills and common sense of opposing coaches during Playoff and Super Bowl games (as demonstrated by forcing the coaching staffs of both the 2014 Seattle Seahawks and 2016 Atlanta Falcons to consider passing plays when such were the only way of snatching defeat from the jaws of near-certain victory).
In Dantonio's description of the event: "I saw the lightning bolt come down and hit Bill [Belichik] straight on the head. I ran up to him to see if he was okay, and when I touched his shoulder, some of that power latched onto me too. Not a lot, but just enough to get at Urban [Meyer]."
