What's up guys? I got a speeding ticket on the way to work today, which combined with some irregularities in my license (address is wrong, but that's because the car's not in my name) gave me a $400+ penalty. So naturally I'm a bit miffed, but hey, that's where humor (and ticket lawyers) come into play!

2017 RECRUIT JAMES ROBINSON--SHOCKING NEW ALLEGATIONS

In a move that surprised everyone, especially those who forgot that he existed, 2017 Lakeland, Florida Wide Receiver (now signed with the University of Florida) James Robinson opened up to media with new allegations about the Ohio State University football team and their coach Urban Meyer.

"Urban Meyer plays so many board games," Robinson tweeted, accompanied with a photo of a shelf replete with a number of family-friendly board games (See picture above). Most damning of all was the apparent lack of Monopoly in Coach Meyer's collection.

Robinson was not finished however, and later asserted in another tweet that Meyer played Dungeons and Dragons often and was a "level five dungeon master."

Meyer responded earlier this morning: "That's ridiculous," he said, stirring a rather unhealthily large dollop of agave nectar (which is of course simply corn syrup) into his coffee. "Everyone knows dungeon masters don't have levels."

 BTN ANNOUNCES NEW 'JOHN MADDEN' FEATURE TO BROADCASTS (SPONSORED CONTENT*)

For fans of Big Ten Network, the viewing experience of your favorite football teams is about to get better this fall, when the network introduces the new John Madden feature. Similar to how other networks have begun offering Spanish-language options to their programming, BTN will now offer a audio overlay which will inject John Madden-esque wisdom from a variety of commentators including all your favorites such as Mark May and Heather Dinnich. Among other things they will remind you that football is won by scoring more points than the other team, that penalties result in lost yardage, that quarterbacks who can get the ball into the hands of a wide receiver in the endzone can score touchdowns, and that offensive linemen are the biggest players on the field which is helpful in making them the biggest players on the field. The feature will not be available for night games.

*Sponsored by the handsome executives of Big Ten Network, who are handsome and also strong

SCIENTISTS--MORE LOSERS LIVE INSIDE THIS CIRCLE THAN OUTSIDE IT (PICTURE)

 Okay, so the last one wasn't really fake news.