Ohio State Football Forum

Ohio State Football Forum

Ohio State football fan talk.

A Buckeye Carol

0 HS
buckeye phi's picture
December 25, 2015 at 1:20pm
2 Comments

Once upon a time, there was bitter, disagreeable little man who could not control his hatred for The Ohio State Buckeyes.  The years of bitterness had taken their toll on his countenance.  Ebenezer Travis had become a scowling, thoroughly unappealing visage.  Smug in his little world - the sparse, cold confines of Fox Sports, Travis considered optimistic Buckeye fans to be nothing but unrealistic fools.  “Bah, Harbaugh!” - Travis would often say in reference to the despised Buckeyes.

Lost on Travis was the significance of events he had recently witnessed.  Namely, the death (of the career) of his partner in Buckeye-bashing, Jacob May, of ESecPN.  May had fallen from his cushy post as a regular in-studio analyst, to the role of a vagabond, color commentator – condemned to frigid, tiny booths at the tops of generally unfriendly stadiums throughout the land.  To add insult to injury, he was replaced in the studio, quick as a wink, by the speedy and heroic, Joey Galloway – an all-time Buckeye great!

One dreary night, several months after May's fall from grace, but before the major bowl games, Travis was awakened from his guilt-ridden sleep by a terrifying noise.  He heard heavy footfalls approaching, accompanied by what sounded like dragging chains.  Cowering alone in his bedclothes, Travis was soon face to face with what appeared to be Jacob May's ghost!  Travis was horrified by the dull, listless expression on the spirit's face.  But then he remembered that was how May always looked.  

The ghoul was wrapped in the chains of eight yard markers.  At the ends of each were great weights in shapes Travis did not recognize at first – because he had never actually seen a national championship trophy up close.  These, of course, represented the eight national championships the hated Buckeyes had won as a program over their long and storied history.  Travis shrank even further back in terror.  

May's ghost spoke:  “Beware, Travis.  I created these chains through my own deeds - link by link and yard by yard.  You have a chance to escape my woeful fate. You can still acknowledge the error of your ways – and embrace the Buckeyes.”  

Not trusting his own senses, Travis said: “I must be having a nightmare – perhaps brought on by indigestion.  Yes, that's it”, he said - as if trying to convince himself.  “I don't believe you're anything more that a spoiled bit of quiche I might have eaten – or perhaps a bad tube-steak.   Bah, Harbaugh!”

“Arrogant fool!”, the specter bellowed.  “You shall be visited by three spirits this night.  You'll be singing a different tune, then.  Good-bye, Travis”.  The stunned commentator remained steadfast in chalking it all up to nothing more than a particularly bad dream, and drifted off to sleep.

It wasn't long before Travis was awakened again.  Another spirit had manifested itself before the astonished ne'er-do-well.  But this one had a dramatically different manner and appearance than the dullard, May.  A pleasant-looking gray haired man appeared.  Wearing a white short sleeved shirt, black horn-rimmed glasses and a black baseball cap with a large scarlet “O” emblazoned on the front, even to the stupefied broadcaster, it was evident he was looking at the Ghost of Buckeyes Past.  This spirit was free of yard marker chains – as he had already torn them to shreds in life.  

“Come with me”, the apparition whispered.  “And see the game that was”.  Travis suddenly found himself in a Hayes as he was transported through space and time.  Eventually, as the spirit guided him through a Woody grove of particularly distinctive trees, an immense horseshoe shaped stadium stood before them.  Once inside, the ghost spoke again:  “This is the way football was played when it was in it's full glory.”  

Travis watched in astonishment as a quarterback who rarely threw the ball, continually handed off to to a player the spirit referred to as a “fullback” - a term with which the astonished Travis was entirely unfamiliar.  “Bah, Harbaugh!”, he exclaimed.  However, as resentful as he was, even Travis had to admit to himself, the Super Sophs were quite impressive.  

“Compare that to this”, the ghost remarked as he whisked Travis to another time and place.  Next thing he knew, it was thirty years later and Travis found himself standing in the locker room of a second-tier college basketball team, named for the first U.S. President.  He saw a scrawny team “manager” who he recognized as himself at a younger age  

To an egomaniac like Travis, even in that menial role, being practically ignored by the young men who actually played the game was a tough pill to swallow.  Plus, he was forced to relive he humiliation of having recently worn athletic supporters thrust in his face.  He turned to the spirit, “No wonder I'm now so bitter toward elite athletes.”  The Ghost of Buckeyes Past simply gave a knowing nod - and a troubled Ebenezer Travis fell in to a fitful sleep.

Abruptly, Travis was awake again.  Before him was a glorious figure, adorned from head to toe in beautiful scarlet and gray attire.  The spirit was sitting atop a throne that was supported by a mound of various college football rings, medallions and trophies.  This figure was all too familiar to Travis – “I am the Ghost of Buckeyes Present!” the spirit laughed at the shrinking commentator.  “Let's take a look at what's happening in the world of college football right now, shall we?”, the magnificent apparition chortled.  

Instantly, they were inside the Woody Hayes Athletic Center, watching the present day Buckeyes practice.  Even though Travis had shown nothing but disrespect for them throughout the season, he now realized that he was, indeed, watching the best team in college football.  “I was so wrong”, the now not-so-smug analyst cried.  “A terrible injustice has been done.  Ohio State should be in the play-off.”  

“There's more”, the spirit said - and the two were soon in a more Urban environment, at Fox studios.  

There they saw Colin Cratchit speaking in hushed tones with a friend.  They were sharing their concerns that their broadcasting cohort, “Tiny Heather”, was in jeopardy of losing what remained of her credibility.  Even though the network tried and tried to portray her as an expert, most thoughtful people had known from the start, Tiny Heather had no idea what she was talking about – and that she would surely, be exposed as a complete fraud, eventually.  Cratchit was clearly quite worried about her very survival in broadcasting.  

Travis pleaded, “How could I have known she knew so little about college football since I was, obviously, so uninformed all along, myself?  Hopefully, it's not too late to save her”.  Sensing that the imbecile was becoming Meyer-ed in self pity, the specter reminded Travis that he would be visited by yet another spirit before the night drew to a close.  And then he faded away.

Travis woke with a start and was soon overcome with fear as he realized the dark figure towering over him must surely be the Ghost of Buckeyes Future.  This spirit was clad in a long black (or possibly, very dark gray), hooded robe.  The only distinguishing feature Travis could make out was a shining MENSA medallion pinned to the wraith's chest.  This mysterious being was no ordinary Tom, Dick or Harry, though.  The menacing figure was more imposing than Herman Munster.  

Instantly, Travis again found himself standing inside Fox studios - only this time, at some point in the not-too-distant future.  Tiny Heather's career as a college football “expert” was, in fact, now dead, as expected.  The sad little woman had been relegated to covering high school field hockey – another sport she knew nothing about.  But since there were no viewers to speak of, the network didn't feel the embarrassment nearly as much. 

Already despairing over what might come next, Travis was transported to a small, dilapidated office building in a bad part of Nashville. The dark specter pointed a finger (which was adorned with a national championship ring, by the way) at a miserable looking old geezer hunched behind a desk. “Oh, please. It can't end like this”, Travis pleaded as he realized, that as an older man, he was destined to resume his career as a third rate attorney. That is, if he didn't change his ways and embrace the Buckeyes soon. He pledged to the spirit that if he could only have a second chance, he would become a great Ohio State fan, immediately. And then he drifted off to sleep once more.

Travis next woke up safe and snug in his own bed. It was finally morning. “The spirits were able to do all that in one night”, he exclaimed. “Amazing!” “But then again, they're Buckeyes”, he thought. “They can do anything!”

He quickly turned on his television and noticed a small boy enjoying a parade. As if to answer Travis' yet unspoken query, Bob Costas turned to the camera and said, “Welcome to the Tournament of Roses Parade. We hope you have a wonderful New Year's Day”.

“I still have time!”, Travis shouted. “I can still do right by Buckeye Nation.” So he hurried over to Fox studios - and as he hugged and apologized to everyone with an Ohio State allegiance he could find, he loudly proclaimed his support in the upcoming Fiesta Bowl, for the team he now referred to as “his Buckeyes”, From that day forward, Travis was known by all as one of the greatest enthusiasts of Ohio State Football.

He befriended Tiny Heather who had also, apparently, seen the light. She still didn't know much about football, of course, but as a new fan of the scarlet and gray, she had taken the first step. Then, to the joy of everyone around, she innocently exclaimed -

“God bless us – Every Buckeye!” -

 

 

With all apologies to the late, great charles Dickens

Buckeye Phi

This is a forum post from a site member. It does not represent the views of Eleven Warriors unless otherwise noted.

View 2 Comments