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The Michigan Coaching Search is Going to be the Most Michigan Thing Ever

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booj's picture
December 3, 2014 at 10:21am
15 Comments

How the Michigan Man (TM) responds to need:

-The reach for the shiniest, brightest toy on the shelf with no thought to cost or practicality, or the fact that it has a sticker on it that reads "Ages 22 and up." (This toy is called Harbaugh.)

-They play footsie with an old crush that they have never overtly courted. The crush is, understandably, underwhelmed by their "better-late-than-never" overtures, but is in a stable, healthy relationship right now, and the Michigan Man's attempts to make its perennial bridesmaid feel like a bride disappoint. Besides, Les Miles is too old to go to the prom.

-Distraught by their failures to court a suitable match, the Michigan Man wallows in his new-found irrelevance while others begin to find dates to the big dance. Dan Mullen & Gary Patterson get a big new contracts with their current flames. Greg Schiano signs on with a smaller school.

-They waste time on never-gonna-happen nonsense like Pat Fitzgerald or Kevin Sumlin or John Gruden while boosters promise that they'll be able to come up with big money. The boosters get together $300k and tell the school not to spend it all in one place like your Nana on your 7th birthday.

-They continue to believe that any mind running a spread offense is clearly guilty of witchcraft. Tom Herman, despite being an ideal candidate for the job that resoundingly echoes the Schembechler hire, never gets a call to interview. The state of Ohio rejoices and ridicules at the same time.

-With all other options exhausted, they settle on Bo Pelini, citing a "proven ability to win" and a "mental toughness befitting a Michigan Man"

-We all die of asphyxiation laughing at them; they win by default.

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