With the events of last night I feel the responsibility to share this early December blog post in the forum. I'm glad last night's story had the happiest of endings.
The tragic events of last week got me thinking about life and the little things that go along with it. Everyday we are presented with thousands of different choices. Some choices are small. Some choices are large. Some choices are life changing. Some choices are life ending. In the end, all of the choices we make lead us to where we are today.
Each choice we have to make in life is like a door. Do we open and go through the door? Do we close the door and stay where we are? Most of the time we don't think about, or worry about, walking through a door or doorway. The majority of decisions in life are easy to make. However, there are times in life that we know we are on the threshold of a life-altering event.
During my lifetime I have not had to make many difficult decisions, but I am human and challenges do arise. One of the most difficult decisions I have had to make involved my brother. It has been close to three years since I have seen or spoken to him. Throughout my life I had always considered my brother as one of my best friends. As kids and young adults we did everything together. We were teammates from youth sports through our high school playing days. We went to Ohio State games, concerts and parties together. If a movie was made it would be one of those sappy Lifetime made for tv specials about the two brothers who were inseparable.
A door for me.
Unfortunately, my view and his view of our relationship changed after we got married and had families. An unexpected and unpleasant door was being made for me. My brother went through a dark period in his life. I tried to be there for him during his difficult journey. I tried to support him as he walked through the doors that led him back on the right path. He was making a door for me.
I have never understood murder. I have never understood suicide. Why would somebody do something that is so permanent?
Ohio State was a common bond.
1998 was a special year for Ohio State football and for me as well. My brother was still in pharmacy school and was able to get me season tickets. We attended every Ohio State home game that year. Although the Michigan State game did not end the way we wanted, the 1998 Ohio State football season was my favorite. I was able to attend all of the games with my brother. I will always have the memories of celebrating that season with him. I will always have sitting in the stadium long after the final whistle. I will always have the memories of celebrating with him on the field after defeating That Team. Ohio State football was one of our bonds.
In early 2012, my brother dropped a bombshell. To paraphrase, he told me that he did not like me and that he had not liked me for quite some time. After that statement he said that if I wanted to talk to him for me to call him. He made it clear that he was not going to call me. I took those words pretty hard. Somebody I cared for, somebody I looked forward to talking to and doing things with had just told me that they did not feel the same. In fact, he did not even want me to be around. An ugly door was now in front of me.
A tough decision.
Do I call him? Do I move on with my life? For three years I have decided to keep the door closed. I have moved on with my life. Some days I feel selfish for my choice. I feel selfish because two of my close friends have had family members commit suicide. My friends will never get a chance to say goodbye to their loved ones. They will never get a chance to unlock the door. Their family members are not coming back to the door. Their family members are not coming home. Although my decision did not take a life, I feel as if I took the route of my friends' family members. I feel as if I committed suicide with the relationship of my brother. He gave me a choice and I decided to end it. Why spend time with somebody who does not like me?
It was a difficult time for me when I was trying to determine what to do. I can only imagine the emotions and difficult thoughts going through a person depressed enough to end their life. What would make a person shoot themselves on their family's front porch at midnight? What would make somebody take their own life in a truck stop bathroom? What was going through a young man's mind when he decided to leave his apartment and walk out that door for the last time?
Although my decision did not end a life, it did end a relationship. A relationship I had always counted on. A relationship I had cherished. Like my friends' family members I decided to end something I cherished. They ended their lives, I ended my life with my brother. Fortunately for me the key players in my situation are still alive and can always come back to a door and knock. Perhaps even deciding to open the door.
Until then, I have what I value most in life, my wife, kids, family, friends and Ohio State football.
Unfortunately, for those who decide to take their life they can never come back to that door. Once you cross that threshold it is your last decision in this life.
If you find yourself at “death's door” I implore you talk to somebody...anybody.
