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Happy Festivus…Airing of Grievances

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tennesseebuckeye11's picture
December 25, 2014 at 10:11pm
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It is that time of year, what has been pissing you off?  It is time for the airing of grievances.  Here are some to get things started:

1.  Christmas music.  There are no new Christmas songs, the playlist for Christmas songs was set many years ago, probably before you were even born.  So Jingle Bells and Silent Night and Santa Clause is Coming to Town, they are in.  Mariah Carey's "All I want for Christmas is you", and WHAM's "Last Christmas I gave you my heart" you are out.  You may be put in a sub category titled "Songs about Christmas" but you do not get to be considered Christmas music.  When I want to get in the Christmas spirit I don't want to hear anything that is not a traditional Christmas song.

2. The Trans-Siberian Orchestra.  Normally I think TSO is awesome and I love hearing traditional Christmas tunes arranged to really rock.  But I went to a show a couple of weeks ago, expecting to jump start my Christmas spirit by hearing them rock out "Carol of the Bells" and some other traditional Christmas classics.  Instead they switched out and handed me some show they called the "Christmas Attic."  It was a stodgy and mind numbing story about a little girl who spends Christmas Eve in the attic reading some old letters she found in a trunk.  It was narrated by an overly dramatic James Earl Jones wannabe with the majority of the music being original Christmas songs sung in a rock-opera style by 80's hair band leftovers, accented by laser lights and flame wheels (probably the coolest part btw).  I just wanted Christmas music (see grievance no. 1).  Three hours of my life I will never get back.

3.The Kardashians.  I am not going to lament about the fact that this family of talent less whiners is famous and I can't understand it. Rather my grievance is with America, the country that made them famous.  Why did we do that? How did we do that?  I know the E channel marches an endless parade of shows starring celeb-u-tard train wrecks across the TV, but do we have to watch? These people should not be famous.  They should be a shallow, anonymous, self absorbed, and poorer version of themselves sitting at home in their double wide watching reality tv shows about people who are actually important and or talented.  C'mon America you can do better than that.

4.  Dogs are not smarter than cats.  I have both, and enjoy both, but the evidence is clear to me.  My cat eats the food I give them.  My dog eats anything.  He will ingest things that could or should kill him.  He has eaten medicine he got by snatching a bottle off the counter and chewing it open.  He eats mushrooms he finds growing in the yard.  And lastly…he eats shit, of any kind, cat, rabbit, cow, it doesn't matter.  Upon encountering some thing his thoughts are, "What is it?" "Can I eat it?" "I'm gonna eat it."  He is just not that smart. I love him but I wonder how he would have ever survived without me to catch him and stop him from swallowing lethal doses of some of these things, and the shit-eating, while it may not kill him…it is definitely a strike against his intelligence.

5.  The flat bill hat.  As Daniel Tosh says it is "a modern day dunce cap."  Nothing says "I am destined for a minimum wage job" quite like the flat bill. If you want to make a statement with fashion try something that doesn't make you look as the you couldn't fill out a job application.  Maybe a hair cut and no tattoos on your neck would help.

6.  Guys in skinny jeans.  It is perfectly acceptable for a man to be fashionable, but don't sacrifice your masculinity for the sake of fashionability.  The  "I am a man" statement is so much more important to convey then, "I am fashionable." Skinny jeans says one of those loud and clear while simultaneously denying the other, also loud and clear. You can hold her purse sometimes, you can use lotion on occasion, you can even enjoy the occasional romantic comedy, but guys don't wear skinny jeans.  Manly and fashionable is possible. 

7.  Super hero movies.  To be honest I like a lot of them, and I've see a good many of them but at some point it all began to run together and it just seemed like I was watching the same movie just different costumes.  I would say that the market is saturated, I love a good super hero movie just not 20 of them at once.

8. The Bachelor.  This is nowhere close to how to find love.  A large number of women that are all solid 9's and 10's compete for the affection of one man.  All while the women live together and periodically go on dates with this man to the most exotic and romantic locations on the planet.  First off, you don't date roommates, especially at the same time.  Second, that many women living together and competing for the affections of one man will really crank up the crazy.  They will either come unhinged and loose their minds in fits of crying and uncontrollable estrogen charged emotions or just dial it back to unbelievably chilled out levels acting as if nothing bothers them and they have ice water in their veins, neither is an accurate measurement of what she would be like to live with only her.  Third, who wouldn't fall in love when your first few dates are to 5 star vacation destinations.  Date one, we are on a beach in St. Croix.  Date two we are sitting in hot tub at a private mountain villa in the french Alps.  Try falling in love over the 2 for $20 meal deal at Applebees and a Redbox movie back at a sparsely furnished and terribly decorated bachelor pad, if that happens you may have really found something. This is not reality TV, more like fantasy tv, for the one guy.  Reality..if you are dating more than one women at a time that is considered cheating and no women would buy you saying, "I'm just looking for love."

9.  Frozen PB&J.  Is not peanut butter and jelly already a convince food?  It's not a complex recipe, if you can't make a PB&J sandwich…you should not be allowed to eat one.

10.  SEC network and the Paul Finebaum show.  Is there anyone with less personality on the radio?  I am a buckeye fan living here in SEC country and just so happen to work with a die-hard Bama fan, who insists on watching every moment he can of the Finebaum show on the SEC network as we spend our afternoons waiting for the shit to hit the fan (I work in emergency services).  Every afternoon for about 4 hours I have to listen to how the SEC is so much better than every other conference, (which would bother me even more if it weren't true) and then an endless parade of irate, redneck, mouth breathing callers spew forth unintelligible tirades about their team and or conference's greatness.  Should Bama be dethroned by my beloved Buckeyes I will sit on hold for no less than 72 hours waiting for Paul's snotty little call screener to put me through, so I may inform all the angry little Harvey Updike hopefuls, that the SEC reign is over and they can return to the trailer hoods from which they came and resume watching WWE, and Dog the Bounty Hunter reruns.

 

This concludes my grievances for the year, let's hear from the rest of you out there in the 11w community.

This is a forum post from a site member. It does not represent the views of Eleven Warriors unless otherwise noted.

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