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Deadspin's List of Bitchy, Defensive Fanbases

TheBadOwl's picture
March 19, 2014 at 11:52pm

This will probably end up on the Skull Session tomorrow, but I thought this was great, even if it's keeping me from writing a paper that's due in 12 hours.

Deadspin's doing an NCAA Bracket-style tournament for the Bitchiest, Most Defensive Fanbase... and we didn't make the cut!

Here are the only three college fanbases that ended up in their bracket. No, Michigan didn't make the cut, but I think we'll all be pretty happy with these. Also, these are (obviously) written from the perspective of the bitchy, defensive fans. Enjoy.

4. Duke fans

I guess winning consistently with grace and honor earns you nothing but scorn these days. SMH. What does it say about modern society when we celebrate gangsta rap but make a villain out of Coach K? Am I living in Bizarro World here? The collective hatred of Duke acts as a referendum on our skewed priorities as a nation.

13. Notre Dame fans

Like Duke fans, but with even less to stand on. It's not Notre Dame's fault that they occasionally struggle to compete when THEY HAVE SUCH HIGH STANDARDS, YOU KNOW. You try beating out a bunch of SEC cheaters when every Notre Dame student must be personally vetted by Jesus to ensure proper chastity and must also have a GPA of at least 3.9 with an AP course load well above 78 percent. The deck is stacked against them!

I've said this before and I'll say it again: Plenty of stupid people go to Notre Dame. It ain't Harvard.

There's a pretty strong 14 seed in this bracket:

14. Penn State fans

You were all part of witch hunt to bring down JoePa and tarnish the name of a treasured college football institution! You just couldn't stand that one program out there could win with honor and so you and the media vultures decided to tear it all down and rip a community apart. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY. You killed JoePa! Asshole.

And, as great as these ones are, my personal favorite entry in the sports bracket comes from the #7 seed, Lacrosse Players:

7. Lacrosse players

Any joke about lacrosse as a sport for rich preppy dipshits will be immediately countered with the "ACTUALLY THE SPORT HAS NATIVE AMERICAN ROOTS JIM THORPE PLAYED IT MEW MEW MEW" defense. This defense will be made by a white kid named Chad from Wilmington, who tried to fingerblast your sister last week. Chad has never met a Native American, not even when he went to Foxwoods that one time with his bros. Dude this place is in the middle of nowhere.

There are also other "regional" matchups for non-sports-related bitchy fans. Deadspin's not holding back, so if you get offended by one of the entries, keep scrolling until you come across one that you agree with. These are all pretty spot-on, and hilarious.

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