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Deadspin's List of Bitchy, Defensive Fanbases

TheBadOwl's picture
March 19, 2014 at 11:52pm
27 Comments

This will probably end up on the Skull Session tomorrow, but I thought this was great, even if it's keeping me from writing a paper that's due in 12 hours.

Deadspin's doing an NCAA Bracket-style tournament for the Bitchiest, Most Defensive Fanbase... and we didn't make the cut!

Here are the only three college fanbases that ended up in their bracket. No, Michigan didn't make the cut, but I think we'll all be pretty happy with these. Also, these are (obviously) written from the perspective of the bitchy, defensive fans. Enjoy.

4. Duke fans

I guess winning consistently with grace and honor earns you nothing but scorn these days. SMH. What does it say about modern society when we celebrate gangsta rap but make a villain out of Coach K? Am I living in Bizarro World here? The collective hatred of Duke acts as a referendum on our skewed priorities as a nation.

13. Notre Dame fans

Like Duke fans, but with even less to stand on. It's not Notre Dame's fault that they occasionally struggle to compete when THEY HAVE SUCH HIGH STANDARDS, YOU KNOW. You try beating out a bunch of SEC cheaters when every Notre Dame student must be personally vetted by Jesus to ensure proper chastity and must also have a GPA of at least 3.9 with an AP course load well above 78 percent. The deck is stacked against them!

I've said this before and I'll say it again: Plenty of stupid people go to Notre Dame. It ain't Harvard.

There's a pretty strong 14 seed in this bracket:

14. Penn State fans

You were all part of witch hunt to bring down JoePa and tarnish the name of a treasured college football institution! You just couldn't stand that one program out there could win with honor and so you and the media vultures decided to tear it all down and rip a community apart. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY. You killed JoePa! Asshole.

And, as great as these ones are, my personal favorite entry in the sports bracket comes from the #7 seed, Lacrosse Players:

7. Lacrosse players

Any joke about lacrosse as a sport for rich preppy dipshits will be immediately countered with the "ACTUALLY THE SPORT HAS NATIVE AMERICAN ROOTS JIM THORPE PLAYED IT MEW MEW MEW" defense. This defense will be made by a white kid named Chad from Wilmington, who tried to fingerblast your sister last week. Chad has never met a Native American, not even when he went to Foxwoods that one time with his bros. Dude this place is in the middle of nowhere.

There are also other "regional" matchups for non-sports-related bitchy fans. Deadspin's not holding back, so if you get offended by one of the entries, keep scrolling until you come across one that you agree with. These are all pretty spot-on, and hilarious.

Seattle Linga's picture

Nice list - Another reason I can't stand Duke - is the love fest that Dick Vitale and espin have for Coach K. His team NEVER does anything wrong EVER and they are the best team in the nation year after year, it's nauseating.

+1 HS
teddyballgame's picture

Plus they always have the refs in their back pocket.
 

-1 HS
Jeeves's picture

Guy who wrote it comes across as a real tool in those examples.

TheBadOwl's picture

That's just Magary's writing style. Personally, I love it. If we're comparing douchey fanbases, I'd rather have a super aggressive, in-your-face writing style than a Bleacher Report article that was written to purposely not offend anybody.

The point is really that all of these fanbases are terrible, or at the very least have terrible people. It's not like Deadspin is going to actually defend any of them, seeing as we're all voting on which one is the most terrible.

When I walked in this morning and saw the flag was at half mast I thought, "Alright, another bureaucrat ate it." but then I saw it was Li'l Sebastian. Half mast is too high. Show some damn respect.

+2 HS
OSU_ALUM_05's picture

Duke Fans and Notre Dame Fans meet in a first round 4-13 matchup.  Man, I'd take ND in an upset all day long.  Duke Fans are insufferable, but there are so many more ND fans that their collective asshole-ness is just overwhelming.

+3 HS
Buckeyevstheworld's picture

One of the irritating things about Notre Dame fans is they act as if that 2012 record happens every year.

"YOLO" = I'm about to do something extremely ignorant/stupid & I need an excuse to do it.

+1 HS
OSU_ALUM_05's picture

That's not half as irritating as acting as if Knute Rockne and Frank Leahy are still walking the sidelines.

FROMTHE18's picture

we tend to bitch at ourselves more than anything else. The anti-ESPN stuff isn't just an OSU thing, its everyone outside of the SEC…we just seem to be the biggest fan base that gets target by the biased bs. 

I also think theres a symbiotic relationship between soccer fans and none-soccer fans in the US…None-soccer fans bitch about soccer just as much as soccer fans bitch about none-soccer fans…I am a soccer fan, and I can understand why people like it and people don't like it (like EVERY SPORT THAT EXISTS), but the most ignorant/idiotic comments tend to come from the none-soccer fans as to "why soccer sucks". 

TheBadOwl's picture

Honestly, I think that annoying soccer fans are a lot worse than annoying soccer haters. I, for one, like soccer a lot, but my roommate is a diehard soccer fan and never shuts up about his favorite team. And the whole "Oh let's just call football hand-egg because soccer is actually football" crowd is obnoxious as hell.

When I walked in this morning and saw the flag was at half mast I thought, "Alright, another bureaucrat ate it." but then I saw it was Li'l Sebastian. Half mast is too high. Show some damn respect.

Buckeyevstheworld's picture

Oh let's just call football hand-egg

They get a kick out of saying this.

"YOLO" = I'm about to do something extremely ignorant/stupid & I need an excuse to do it.

JYBUCKEYE's picture

This defense will be made by a white kid named Chad from Wilmington, who tried to fingerblast your sister last week.

I just spit coffee all over my keyboard.  

+4 HS
TheBadOwl's picture

The entire lacrosse section was pure gold. Same with the Kobe Bryant one. I know some diehard Kobe fans who got mad when ESPN ranked him #25 last year, even when he's 37 years old coming off of an awful injury and out for at least most of the season.

When I walked in this morning and saw the flag was at half mast I thought, "Alright, another bureaucrat ate it." but then I saw it was Li'l Sebastian. Half mast is too high. Show some damn respect.

Buckeyevstheworld's picture

He didn't include LeBron James fans? I'm pretty sure they'd at least make it to the elite 8. The moment they lose it will be blamed on Mike Brown.

"YOLO" = I'm about to do something extremely ignorant/stupid & I need an excuse to do it.

+1 HS
TheBadOwl's picture

Kobe fans are much more insufferable than Lebron fans. Magary makes a disclaimer at the beginning that, while frontrunning douchebag fans are terrible, this brand of fan is much more insufferable.

When I walked in this morning and saw the flag was at half mast I thought, "Alright, another bureaucrat ate it." but then I saw it was Li'l Sebastian. Half mast is too high. Show some damn respect.

Buckeyevstheworld's picture

Kobe fans are much more insufferable than Lebron fans.

No they're not. XD

The moment Game 5 ended against Detroit, LeBron's fanboys have been out of control. ESPiN helped make them that much worse.

"YOLO" = I'm about to do something extremely ignorant/stupid & I need an excuse to do it.

+1 HS
Seattle Linga's picture

He quit year after year 

+1 HS
osu07asu10's picture

his defense will be made by a white kid named Chad from Wilmington, who tried to fingerblast your sister last week. Chad has never met a Native American, not even when he went to Foxwoods that one time with his bros. 

HAHAHA....DJ are you moonlighting at deadspin?

"They don't know what they don't know." - Coach Mick

+1 HS
spqr2008's picture

The Cincinnati Chili fans explanation is epic.  And I love Skyline.

+1 HS
TheBadOwl's picture

Oh absolutely. Deadspin seems to have a bone to pick with Cincinnati, as they ranked it as the worst food delicacy in America.

Cincinnati chili is the worst, saddest, most depressing goddamn thing in the world. If it came out of the end of your digestive system, you would turn the color of chalk and call an ambulance, but at least it'd make some sense. The people of Ohio see nothing wrong with inserting it into their mouths, which perhaps tells you everything you need to know about the Buckeye State. Don't eat it. Don't let your loved ones eat it

As a Cincinnati native and Skyline lover, I thought the whole thing was hilarious (the list is pretty great, too), but the Cincinnati media predictably freaked out.

When I walked in this morning and saw the flag was at half mast I thought, "Alright, another bureaucrat ate it." but then I saw it was Li'l Sebastian. Half mast is too high. Show some damn respect.

+1 HS
Jason Priestas's picture

That piece was Deadspin at its best. Like Mad Magazine with a harder edge, written for a contemporary audience.

Baroclinicity's picture

I'm not a politics guy, but the Politico Commentator Regional makes me laugh the most.  I've got my eye on that breastfeeding advocates vs. Snowden fans.

When you're holding a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

TheBadOwl's picture

Snowden fans 100%, only because Reddit never shuts up about how great he is.

When I walked in this morning and saw the flag was at half mast I thought, "Alright, another bureaucrat ate it." but then I saw it was Li'l Sebastian. Half mast is too high. Show some damn respect.

M Man's picture

I am really surprised that "Michigan Fans" aren't in, as about a 4-seed.

We have a history with Tommy Craggs and Deadspin.  Craggs did a very early story about our torch-and-pitchfork revolt against Michael Rosenberg and the Detroit Free Press when Rosenberg concocted the story of eye-popping practice-time violations under Rich Rodriguez.

Craggs leapt to the defense of Rosenberg.  In the end, the NCAA investigation just made the Freep and Craggs look awful.  Nothing like what Rosenberg alleged was true.  The NCAA found some minor stuff, that they naturally called "Major violations," and sanctioned Michigan for the 15 minutes of pre-practice stretching that should have been counted.  (Oh yeah, and the GA's who watched some workouts without being the right GA's to watch workouts, and the guys who got sentenced to pushing a sled for missing some summer school classees, and the GA who inexplicably lied to the investigators about who-knows-what and was promptly fired.)  Real earth-shattering stuff, after an exhaustive, multi-million dollar investigation.

Worst of all for Tommy Craggs, John U. Bacon's insider-account/first-hand book, Three and Out turned up the evidence that indeed Rosenberg's attitude towards Rodriguez was that he just didn't "like the guy," which put the lie to Craggs' column in the most direct way possible.

Here's the Craggs online column.

Note the comments.

BME_Buckeye's picture

Penn State is so underrated.  

Look closely, because the closer you think you are, the less you will actually see.

 

KBonay's picture

WHOA!  Potential second round match-up of Breast-feeder Advocates and Twitter Feminist could be interesting....

sivaDavis's picture

"I can't believe we made this list! This is such a joke, we aren't like this at all, just wow!" - Notre Dame fans proving Deadspins point

"I've had smarter people around me all my life, but I haven't run into one yet that can outwork me. And if they can't outwork you, then smarts aren't going to do them much good." - Woody Hayes

hit_the_couch's picture

They left off too many political groups. How could they leave off the nutjobs at PETA. How dare they. 

And then I told her...i'm no weatherman, but tonight's forecast is calling for several inches!