It is 9:44 on Monday night. I am watching Parks and Recreation on the Esquire Network, in part because Parks and Rec is great, but also in part because the Big Ten Network has decided to devote the biggest chunk of it's primetime TV real estate to rebroadcasting a heavily edited version of the 1995 Ohio State-Michigan game.
Tell me that you don't remember this game and I will call you a damn liar, because 1995 was the year that Tim Biakabutuka ran for something like 14.6 miles against the Ohio State defense, in what would be his greatest personal accomplishment until he opened up three Bojangles franchises in Georgia. Hell, I remember it vividly and I was ten when I watched that atrocity.
Said atrocity was pretty interesting for about a half, and then it became apparent that Lloyd Carr was content to roll out his personal Grond and punish Ohio State for the final 30 minutes or so. I'm obviously biased, but I also think that this was just a ridiculous meat grinder of a game that doesn't translate super well to heavily edited Monday night TV in late June.
Or maybe it does and I'm just a sad, bitter man. You decide: here's what the BTN has on tap for tonight.
TERRIBLE. I mean, yes, it's terrible mostly in part because apparently Tuesday is the day the BTN panders to it's least marketable fanbase, but the point remains that that is a legitimately awful lineup. Unless you're really in the mood to relive John Wooden leading Purdue to the 1932 Helms National Championship I guess.
So I made a better one. In the spirit of the cinematic classic UHF, I have retooled the BTN's entire lineup. YOU ARE WELCOME, JIM DELANY.
7:00 AM: Kirk Ferentz Eats An Orange
Start your day right, the Kirk Ferentz way. In this scintillating morning show, the legendary Iowa Hawkeyes head coach slowly eats an orange while smirking into a camera. Guests include Ferentz's Pekingese, and Iowa's Athletic Director Gary Barta might even stop by to flip off our live studio audience for a few minutes!
8:00 AM: My Name Is Bert
A former pig farmer makes it rich down south, but after a near death experience, decides to return to his roots to right all his past wrongs. Join Bret Bielema in his heartwarming and hilarious adventure through America's Midwest as he tries to make peace with his neighbors and make his dad (Jim Belushi as Barry Alvarez) proud.
8:30 AM: Rolling In Dough
Jim Delany sits naked in a pile of money and giggles while taunting destitute former men's hockey players, women's lacrosse athletes, and pistol teams of both sexes. Turn in to see which paralyzed former football star he'll "make it rain" on to help with their monthly medical bills!
9:00 AM-NOON: F Troop Marathon
The accidentally heroic and chronically inept Wilton Parmenter is given command of Fort Courage, Kansas, a dumping ground for the Army's least useful men, at the end of the Civil War. There, he contends with the illegal business enterprises of crafty Sgt. O'Rourke and the local Indians, occasional mock (and even more occasionally real) battles, and the romantic attentions of Wrangler Jane Angelica Thrift.
12:00 PM: The Journey- Urban Meyer's Cellphone
The second hardest worker in the Big Ten, Urban Meyer's cellphone has made approximately 35,000 phone calls, sent 350,000 texts, taken 5,000 selfies, and bludgeoned 6 overzealous boosters in the past three years. Find out how this humble iPhone 5 manages to essentially run the entire Ohio State football program, and shudder in horror at just how utterly screwed we'd probably be if it ever got hacked or something.
1:00 PM Law and Order: Happy Valley Unit
A crooked cop (Jim Tressel) is back on the force after a long suspension, and directed by his Sargent (Mark Emmert) to change the culture of a small Pennsylvania town. Will he succeed in his task, bringing down the scum and villainy that infests this sleepy city? Or will Happy Valley... change him?
2:00 PM-7:00 PM: Five Hours Of Michigan Completely Blowing It In OSU Games For The Last Decade Plus
With additional commentary from drunk, angry Rich Rodriguez.
7:00 PM: So Do We Have To Pay Attention To Northwestern This Year Or What
The show that answers the question, "So do we have to pay attention to Northwestern this year or what?" SPOILER: No.
8:00 PM: Boys On The Beach
Mark Dantonio ("M-Dog"), Werner Herzog ("Zoggenstein"), and Cormac McCarthy ("Mac Attack") hit up Panama City for the greatest spring break of their lives. Tonight, M-Dog spreads STD awareness by taping graphic syphilis posters all over town, Zoggenstein films the slow decline of an Alzheimer patient who used to be a law clerk for Supreme Court Justice Fred Vinson, and Mac Attack gets into a dance off with members of a local clown college!
9:00 PM: Don't Sleep On The Knights or Terps
12 minute infomercial proclaiming the addition of Maryland and Rutgers as the greatest idea in the history of man, ending with a plea for any kind of archival footage of either school that doesn't result in total embarrassment.
10:00 PM- 6:00 AM: Security Cam Stream Of Former Site Of Joe Paterno Statue
Please report any suspicious behavior.
And that's it! A surefire way to get us through this horrible, awful offseason. All show ideas are the intellectual property of Eleven Warriors, LLC, and if you wish to contact me about pilots, you can contact me or my agent (also me) at email@example.com. Please put "THIS IS JIM DELANY, JOHNNY WE NEED YOU TO SAVE THE BTN" in the subject line so that I know it's from you.