BTN's Greatest Summer Ever: Programming We Need (and Now)

By Johnny Ginter on June 24, 2014 at 11:00a
32 Comments

It is 9:44 on Monday night. I am watching Parks and Recreation on the Esquire Network, in part because Parks and Rec is great, but also in part because the Big Ten Network has decided to devote the biggest chunk of it's primetime TV real estate to rebroadcasting a heavily edited version of the 1995 Ohio State-Michigan game.

Tell me that you don't remember this game and I will call you a damn liar, because 1995 was the year that Tim Biakabutuka ran for something like 14.6 miles against the Ohio State defense, in what would be his greatest personal accomplishment until he opened up three Bojangles franchises in Georgia. Hell, I remember it vividly and I was ten when I watched that atrocity.

Said atrocity was pretty interesting for about a half, and then it became apparent that Lloyd Carr was content to roll out his personal Grond and punish Ohio State for the final 30 minutes or so. I'm obviously biased, but I also think that this was just a ridiculous meat grinder of a game that doesn't translate super well to heavily edited Monday night TV in late June.

Or maybe it does and I'm just a sad, bitter man. You decide: here's what the BTN has on tap for tonight.

Bad

TERRIBLE. I mean, yes, it's terrible mostly in part because apparently Tuesday is the day the BTN panders to it's least marketable fanbase, but the point remains that that is a legitimately awful lineup. Unless you're really in the mood to relive John Wooden leading Purdue to the 1932 Helms National Championship I guess.

So I made a better one. In the spirit of the cinematic classic UHF, I have retooled the BTN's entire lineup. YOU ARE WELCOME, JIM DELANY.

7:00 AM: Kirk Ferentz Eats An Orange

Start your day right, the Kirk Ferentz way. In this scintillating morning show, the legendary Iowa Hawkeyes head coach slowly eats an orange while smirking into a camera. Guests include Ferentz's Pekingese, and Iowa's Athletic Director Gary Barta might even stop by to flip off our live studio audience for a few minutes!

8:00 AM: My Name Is Bert

A former pig farmer makes it rich down south, but after a near death experience, decides to return to his roots to right all his past wrongs. Join Bret Bielema in his heartwarming and hilarious adventure through America's Midwest as he tries to make peace with his neighbors and make his dad (Jim Belushi as Barry Alvarez) proud.

8:30 AM: Rolling In Dough

Jim Delany sits naked in a pile of money and giggles while taunting destitute former men's hockey players, women's lacrosse athletes, and pistol teams of both sexes. Turn in to see which paralyzed former football star he'll "make it rain" on to help with their monthly medical bills!

9:00 AM-NOON: F Troop Marathon

The accidentally heroic and chronically inept Wilton Parmenter is given command of Fort Courage, Kansas, a dumping ground for the Army's least useful men, at the end of the Civil War. There, he contends with the illegal business enterprises of crafty Sgt. O'Rourke and the local Indians, occasional mock (and even more occasionally real) battles, and the romantic attentions of Wrangler Jane Angelica Thrift.

12:00 PM: The Journey- Urban Meyer's Cellphone

The second hardest worker in the Big Ten, Urban Meyer's cellphone has made approximately 35,000 phone calls, sent 350,000 texts, taken 5,000 selfies, and bludgeoned 6 overzealous boosters in the past three years. Find out how this humble iPhone 5 manages to essentially run the entire Ohio State football program, and shudder in horror at just how utterly screwed we'd probably be if it ever got hacked or something.

1:00 PM Law and Order: Happy Valley Unit

A crooked cop (Jim Tressel) is back on the force after a long suspension, and directed by his Sargent (Mark Emmert) to change the culture of a small Pennsylvania town. Will he succeed in his task, bringing down the scum and villainy that infests this sleepy city? Or will Happy Valley... change him?

Yes he has to wear Michigan gear while he watches it
"God, I hate this show."
2:00 PM-7:00 PM: Five Hours Of Michigan Completely Blowing It In OSU Games For The Last Decade Plus

With additional commentary from drunk, angry Rich Rodriguez.

7:00 PM: So Do We Have To Pay Attention To Northwestern This Year Or What

The show that answers the question, "So do we have to pay attention to Northwestern this year or what?" SPOILER: No.

8:00 PM: Boys On The Beach

Mark Dantonio ("M-Dog"), Werner Herzog ("Zoggenstein"), and Cormac McCarthy ("Mac Attack") hit up Panama City for the greatest spring break of their lives. Tonight, M-Dog spreads STD awareness by taping graphic syphilis posters all over town, Zoggenstein films the slow decline of an Alzheimer patient who used to be a law clerk for Supreme Court Justice Fred Vinson, and Mac Attack gets into a dance off with members of a local clown college!

9:00 PM: Don't Sleep On The Knights or Terps

12 minute infomercial proclaiming the addition of Maryland and Rutgers as the greatest idea in the history of man, ending with a plea for any kind of archival footage of either school that doesn't result in total embarrassment.

10:00 PM- 6:00 AM: Security Cam Stream Of Former Site Of Joe Paterno Statue

Please report any suspicious behavior.


And that's it! A surefire way to get us through this horrible, awful offseason. All show ideas are the intellectual property of Eleven Warriors, LLC, and if you wish to contact me about pilots, you can contact me or my agent (also me) at [email protected] Please put "THIS IS JIM DELANY, JOHNNY WE NEED YOU TO SAVE THE BTN" in the subject line so that I know it's from you.

Thanks!

32 Comments

Comments

kgratz's picture

Pretty upset that My Name is Bert is only a 30 minute program and not in primetime

How Firm Thy Friendship

+4 HS
I_Run_The_Dave's picture

Badgers?  Badgers?!  WE DON'T NEEEEED NO STINKING BADGERS!!!!

+3 HS
Son of Sevenless's picture

Yeah I watched the first half of that game. Hard to understand it, really, lots of NFL talent on that OSU team and they just couldn't seem to handle Michigan. Story of the era.

+1 HS
Nappy's picture

I was scrolling through my channel guide last night and saw "Big Ten's Greatest Games" on BTN.  Checked the info and saw it was the 1995 OSU v UM game.  Was immediately pissed off the rest of the night.  FUCK YOU, TSHIMANGA!

Fan of bacon since 1981

+1 HS
AndyVance's picture

Tonight, M-Dog spreads STD awareness by taping graphic syphilis posters all over town

This may be the funniest line ever posted on this site.

+1 HS
BucksfanXC's picture

I got a million, Johnny:

2am - 5am Recruit Shopping Channel - College coaches come on the QVC-esque program where high school football players auction their talents to potential shoppers. Guest hosted by former PSU head coach Bill O'Brien who mainly talks the other coaches into stealing from Illinois

5am-6am - Pumping Iron with Mick - Coach Mick w/ special guests like Joey Bosa and John Simon bench press and squat to get your day started off right

7am-8am - Morning Coffee with Mark - Coach Dantonio talks about how you don't need coffee and other stimulants in your diet, just good old fashion milk for him please, 2%, none of that skim stuff

8am-10am - Harvesting before Practice with Nebraska and Iowa

10am-10:07am - Gene Keady's Hair tips

10:07am-Noon - Tailgating Tips with James Franklin - PSU's new coach shows you how the SEC does it before kickoff, mainly centered around how to dress up and get lots of pretty co-eds to your tailgate

Noon-2pm - Classic Noon games - some of the B1G's greatest noon classics; lots of The Game and a few Illinois games to choose from

2pm-3pm Who's Next? - an MTV style reality show/dating game where Taylor Lewan and Brendan Gibbons pick out potential "dates" from campus bars

3pm-4pm Study Hour with Northwestern - Coach Fitz shows you the importance of doing your homework before dinner

4pm-5pm - Seinfeld re-runs - Rutgers requested this, Jimmy D has to pander to the New Yorkers

6pm-8pm - B1G Game Show - trivia questions and lucky spins of the Wheel of Corn get you a chance to advance to the Rose Bowl Round

8pm-8:01pm - Why Aren't You in Bed Yet w/Mark Dantonio

801pm-10pm - Classic B1G Basketball - hosted by Judd Heathcote and Gary Williams

10pm-Midnight - Classic Night Games from the 5 We've Ever Had

Midnight-1am - Kirk Ferentz's Secret Negotiation Tactics

1am-2am - Jim Delany counts today's profits live on air using an accounting calculator

 

 

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

+13 HS
Johnny Ginter's picture

8pm-8:01pm - Why Aren't You in Bed Yet w/Mark Dantonio

that is pretty terrific

kgratz's picture

1am-2am - Jim Delany counts today's profits live on air using an accounting calculator

my personal favorite.  hilarious by the way.

How Firm Thy Friendship

+4 HS
OfficerRabbit's picture

And room for some TTUN special programming?

3:00-3:30pm -Cooking with Coach Hoke: The Joy of Crisco "Hoke samples  a variety of Crisco themed appetizers, soups, and entree's." 

3:30-4:00pm -Cooking with Coach Hoke: Barbeque Fingers "Hoke discusses the pro's and cons's of moist towelettes, paper towels, napkins, and licking ones own fingers."

8:00-9:00pm BTN Dateline Special: The Dangers of Headset Usage at Gametime "Chronicaling Coach Hoke's fight against in game adjustments and sweaty ears by choosing to forego a headset during critical games".

 

 

Hovenaut's picture

Nailed it, BFXC.

Seven minutes for Gene Keady's hair tips?

You could use a third of the time for ads/promos...

 

"Success...it's what you do with what you got" - Woody Hayes

+2 HS
BucksfanXC's picture

Well you obviously didn't factor in the oiling and buffing.

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

+1 HS
Floyd Stahl's picture

I would also like to see hair tips from Lou "The Do" Henson, aka how to make sure your toupee is in proper place each morning after sleeping and showering.

+1 HS
stittracer99's picture

Congrats on the article Johnny, you get to drink from the fire hose!!

 

+7 HS
Blackbeards Delight's picture

And don't forget about "Conan the Librarian"

Crunchy Peanut Butter Bitches.

- Me

 

I_Run_The_Dave's picture

DON'T YOU KNOW THE DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM?!?!?!

brband64's picture

Gold.  Maybe platinum.

wojodta's picture

They could start by not being afraid to show non-conference games that the B1G team lost. There's plenty of other great games out there.

JeffCoBuck's picture

Why Aren't You In Bed Yet, airing at 8 PM, had me rolling. 

+3 HS
Earle's picture

Johnny, I'll be forwarding you the bills for my recommencing therapy sessions for bringing up that...that...abomination again.

Italics are for emphasis.

Ahh Saturday's picture

This is actually a fairly accurate description of Panama City when I was there for Spring break:

"A legion of horribles, hundreds in number, half naked or clad in costumes attic or biblical or wardrobed out of a fevered dream with the skins of animals and silk finery and pieces of uniform still tracked with the blood of prior owners, . . . a company of mounted clowns, death hilarious, all howling in a barbarous tongue and riding down upon them like a horde from a hell more horrible yet than the brimstone land of Christian reckoning, screeching and yammering and clothed in smoke like those vaporous beings in regions beyond right knowing where the eye wanders and the lip jerks and drools." --Cormac McCarthy

Jason Priestas's picture
Earle's picture

Somebody takes himself a little too seriously.  I hope you responded with a link to the article.

Italics are for emphasis.

+2 HS
AndyVance's picture

Hey, tell him to suck it up - he hasn't really made it on 11W until he's had a thread created about his near-nakedness.

+2 HS
Earle's picture

Yes, we all aspire to that.

Italics are for emphasis.

+1 HS
RenegadeBuckeye's picture

I think it's safe to say Sean, that you will also be the only one reading your own stories on BTN...pull the tampon out you bitch. 

+1 HS
AngryWoody's picture

Sean Merriman = 1,461 followers

11W = 62,800 followers.

Something tells me 11W is gonna be fine lol.

Our Honor Defend!

Buckeye Knight's picture

Let's be honest though, over 99% of the stuff on TV is pure garbage and unwatchable.

Tater_Schroeder's picture

99.44% to be exact. That's assuming 14 3.5 hour Buckeye games every year.

How Firm Thy Friendship

Buckeyeneer's picture

How about a reality show with OSU Co-eds? You could call it "Nuthouse"

"Because the rules won't let you go for three." - Woody Hayes

THE Ohio State University

hit_the_couch's picture

Is that top photo 'Stanley Padowski's playhouse' from the movie Weird Al movie UHF? Classic.

And then I told her...i'm no weatherman, but tonight's forecast is calling for several inches!

+1 HS
Floyd Stahl's picture

I would watch this programming all day.

I think Belushi would fit better playing Bert rather than Alvarez.