Florida State, an insurgent football cartel operating out of the Florida panhandle's hinterlands, and its corrupt band of jersey-chasing bumbledink lawboys, colloquially known as the Tallahassee Police Department, were exposed for another goof this past week.
At around 2:30 AM on Sunday October 5th, Florida State starting cornerback P.J. Williams drove his car into the path of a car belonging to a #teen who had just clocked off what is likely the seventh circle of Hell, a Tallahassee-area Oliver Garden. Both cars were totaled in the incident.
Williams, who was with two other men, including FSU's other starting cornerback, Ronald Darby, got out and ran into the night. According to the New York Times, Williams eventually returned to the scene, but his sobriety went untested (and remember, this is during the early Sunday morning after a demolishing of cupcake Wake Forest) as he was eventually issued two tickets.
Of course, the Tallahassee Police Department then reached out to the Florida State University police and athletic department. But, by the next day it was as if the hit and run "never happened." Their president, John Thrasher, has since went all-in, declaring nothing was wrong with any of it.
But this incident, compounded with the bootleg Keystone Cop investigation into allegations Jameis Winston sexually assaulted a woman; running back Karlos Williams retaining his freedom despite substantial evidence he beat a pregnant woman; who knows what else that was successfully scrubbed from the annals of history, and it's obvious to anybody who doesn't belong to #FSUTwitter as to what's transpiring in Tallahassee.
So, long story short, that's why it took me a minute to realize the above image was satire from the always-brilliant The Onion. The only question I have is which hero in the Tallahassee Police Department deserves the tomahawk.
