The Vast Anti-OSU Playoff Conspiracy

By Nicholas Jervey on May 3, 2014 at 6:00a

Hall of Doom

41 Comments

The new College Football Playoff is a scary prospect for the Buckeyes. Say this for the blood-suckers behind the BCS: even though they messed with it every year, forced the computers to deliver useless rankings, and stole from schools, they delivered a reasonably transparent result. Under the new system, there will be no such thing; it will be all subjective, based on the whims of 13 hand-picked people.

Though the committee's plans are only partially developed, one thing is clear: they are engaging in a conspiracy to destroy Ohio State football. In fact, we already know how one of their meetings will go.

November 28, 2014. For the third consecutive season, the Ohio State football team is on the verge of finishing the regular season with a perfect 12-0 record. With the OSU-Michigan game to be played tomorrow, the College Football Playoff committee convenes to discuss what it always discusses: how to undermine the Buckeyes.

As the 13 committee members curse the top-ranked Buckeyes, committee chairman Jeff Long calls the cabal to order.

Jeff Long

This meeting is in session. Gentlemen and Condi Rice, to evil!

 

All: To evil! [they clink glasses]

 

Jeff Long

My brethren, we have come upon a serious problem. As you know, our duty is to select four teams for the college football playoff. As per our preseason discussion with Commissioner Slive, we have manipulated two SEC teams into the playoff. As it is the Big 12's turn to take part in the championship game, we have cleared the way for Oklahoma as well.

 

Oliver Luck

You know, I'm the athletic director at West Virginia. Couldn't you have thrown me a bone?

 

Jeff Long

Shut up, Oliver. Gentlemen, those pesky Buckeyes are undefeated, and with a win over Michigan we would have no choice but to consider them for the playoff. We cannot allow OSU to undo our machinations.

 

Steve Wieberg

Um, hi everyone. Steve Wieberg. I've been thinking: is this something we ought to do, punishing Ohio State like this? I'm just a journalist, but our vendetta makes no sense. Why not just let OSU make the playoffs?

 

Silence fills the room. When Long speaks, it is with icy contempt.

 

Jeff Long

An amusing joke. Tom Jernstedt, do you expect any trouble from the NCAA for the upcoming course of action?

 

Tom Jernstedt

No, sir.

 

Jeff Long

Splendid.

 

Wieberg's chair rocks backward, pitching him into a fiery chasm.

 

Jeff Long

By the way, seeding the Buckeyes against Dayton was an inspired decision. Barry Alvarez, you know the Big Ten better than anyone. What shall we do?

 

Barry Alvarez

I told you not to hire Bret Bielema, Jeff. I told you he made a pact with the devil to lose 3-5 games and win the Big Ten every year until he left Madison! Why didn't you listen?

 

Jeff Long

Mr. Luck, you hired Dana Holgorsen, you know all about high-octane offense. Is there anything we can do to slow down Braxton Miller?

 

Oliver Luck

Well, Michigan State used a base 4-3 over, cover 4 scheme to box in–

 

Jeff Long

No, we need to think outside the box! Mike Tranghese, you're a former Big East commissioner. Can you tell us anything that would help t–

 

Mike Tranghese

Basketball! The sport of kings. Y'know back when I ran the Big East–

 

Jeff Long

This is why your conference lost its auto-bid. You're as useless as Ty Willingham in a staring contest with a manikin.

 

Ty Willingham

[vaguely registers conversation, does not divert gaze from manikin]

 

Dan Radakovich

Hi, Dan Radakovich here. As the athletic director at Clemson, the last team to beat Ohio State, our squad had the skill set to undermine the Buckeyes. Just use bubble screens and sweeps galore to keep OSU's defense on the field. They'll never see it coming!

 

Jeff Long

That's a fine idea, except that's exactly what you did last year. And they have a new defensive coordinator who knows what he's doing. Are you familiar with Chris Ash?

 

Dan Radakovich

Eep.

 

Jeff Long

Archie Manning, you're our SEC delegate. Surely your conference would be able to stop Ohio State if it wriggles its way into the playoff?

 

Archie Manning

Well, we'll have two teams in the playoff, but...

 

Jeff Long

But what?

 

Archie Manning

...there's not much evidence that our top teams would blow Ohio State away. Sure, there's OSU's bowl history against SEC teams, but ten games over the course of 30 years are irrelevant to today. And when the Big Ten starts playing nine conference games in 2016, we'll be the last major conference to play eight games. People might even start seeing us as having the weakest schedule.

 

Pat Haden

Um, Jeff? I know you don't want to hear this, but there might not be any way to keep Ohio State out of the playoff. Michigan certainly won't.

 

Jeff Long

FINE! We have no choice but to bring in the military. General Gould, you used to supervise the Air Force Academy. Can you guarantee us air superiority?

 

Lt. Gen Michael Gould

I can neither confirm nor deny that we have B-1 bombers in position to destroy Indianapolis before the Big Ten Championship Game.

 

Jeff Long

Good. Condi, you still have sway over the Department of Homeland Security, don't you?

 

Condoleezza RiceI had a few dozen informants tip off federal agents to an insidious plot to deface Ohio Stadium. They may have no choice but to detain Ohio State's football team – for their safety, of course.

 

Jeff Long

Excellent. So it's agreed: we shut down tomorrow's OSU-Michigan game. Just to be safe, we'll bombard Lucas Oil Stadium next week. Any opposition?

 

Tom OsborneJeff, my Nebraska Cornhuskers just won the Big Ten West. I'd never question your wisdom, but do you have to carpet bomb my team?

 

Jeff Long

Bo Pelini could survive a nuclear barrage. Heck, he'd probably thank you for the complimentary chemical peel.

Mark my words, Buckeyes! You will never live to repeat the glory of the 2011 Sugar Bowl! You will never again best my team! I am superior to you in every way! You will rue the day you crossed Jeff Long, Athletic Director of Arkansas!

Long laughs maniacally. He is interrupted by a call from his secretary.

Generic Secretary

Sir? The police want you, they say Coach Bielema is oiled up and on the loose.

 

Jeff Long

Dammit.

41 Comments

Comments

Hovenaut's picture

This is great...and a little ominous at the same time.

Laughing with a sense of dread. I really hope the committee doesn't f this up...but I get the sense they probably will.

Just hope it isn't at OSU's expense.

+7 HS
InvertMyVeer's picture

"You're as useless as Ty Willingham in a staring contest with a manikin" I lost it when I read that. Well done Nick, this is hilarious!

Football is complicated...

+6 HS
OSUpawn's picture

Nice. I hope there is more coming. Funny stuff. 

I believe the SEC players put their pants on one leg at a time like we do.

+2 HS
johnblairgobucks's picture

Buckeyes won't get a playoff invite, if they don't win the Big 10 Championship.

Let's get to the doorstep 13-0 and then worry if they'll let us in.  If the Buckeyes lose a game along the way, but still win the Big 10, it will be interesting.  The Big 12, SEC and ACC (based on Orange Bowl and NC Game) will get more national respect than the Big 10, and it seems that Oregon , USC and Stanford get more respect than the Bg 10's top dogs.

If the Buckeyes can't win them all, than they'll be left with some serious doubt come the first week of December.

+4 HS
johnblairgobucks's picture

Btw, what was Solomon Grundy's super power, that made him part of the Legion of Doom.  I used to think, in the older Super Friends cartoon, that it was cool when the Legion of Doom's ship lifted out of the swamps...

cinserious's picture

I agree with what you said Johnblair but there's no way those asses at ESPIN can continue to hype up Stanford over the B1G's best. MSU should have ended that crap in the Rose Bowl. USC still has ALOT to prove under new HC Sarkisian, and Oregon is like Clemson West so no worries there (although we proved it on the field against only one of them). In the long run, I still feel the PAC-12 and BIG-12 will still prove to be non-factors. Its the SEC and ACC as the only conferences we need to worry about.

Life's daily struggle is choosing between saying F--ck-it, or soldiering on with your responsibilities.  

FitzBuck's picture

Why is the picture of the sportscenter desk captioned as "hall of Doom"? 

Fitzbuck | Toledo - Ohio's right armpit | "A troll by any other name is still a troll".

+2 HS
buckeyedude's picture

I think we'd better get our pitchforks and torches ready to go.

I would not be surprised at all if a one-loss B1G championship team gets shut out of the 4 team playoff. Not surprised at all.

 

 

+4 HS
lamplighter's picture

Nicely done

but about all those back SUVs sitting outside the Shoe---

THEOSUfan's picture

This is funny because it is an exaggerated truth - that hardcore fans of major football powers are, to some degree, conspiracy theorists.

If we think they are out to get us, we need to resist the urge to think that way -  unless they really are out to get us.

+4 HS
buckeyedude's picture

You are a very wise person. And paranoid. ;)

 

 

+4 HS
InvertMyVeer's picture

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you!

Football is complicated...

+5 HS
Baroclinicity's picture

If I didn't know any better, I would have thought Sarah Hardy was back.

Nice piece.

When you're holding a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

+2 HS
hetuck's picture

Best delusional call on XM college sports this week came from a Domer. He wanted to know if a 10-2 ND would get in. The host (Mark Packer) politely told him no way in Hell. But it does prompt a question about the value of winning a conference championship game. Does that give an advantage over the B12 and ND?

Winning is a habit. Unfortunately, so is losing.

Vince Lombardi

Arizona_Buckeye's picture

Personally - It fucking pisses me off that they have instituted a playoff system in college football.  The bitching and moaning about it has already started before even one game has been played.  As I expected, they're already talking about expanding the number of teams getting in and it will never stop!  Sigh.

The best thing about Pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced

-5 HS
theopulas's picture

GOOD ...it should be...decide it on the field...

Theopulas

+2 HS
NCBuck1's picture

No, actually there has been a playoff in college football for many years.  Division 1A football might be the ONLY football league that DOES NOT have a playoff.  Divisions III, II and IAA have one.  The NFL has one.  High Schools have one.  Hell, even the pee-wee league I played in back in the day had one.  So just what is it about Division 1A having a playoff that pisses you off so bad? And why would expanding said playoff to say, 8 teams would be so bad? It works for every other football league that I can think of.  And when's the last time you heard anyone have a debate about who the Super Bowl champion was?

+1 HS
Arizona_Buckeye's picture

Because it never stops!  4 teams - people will bitch and moan about who got in and who didn't.  Expand to 8 teams - people will bitch and moan about who got in and who didn't.  Expand to 16 teams and people will bitch and moan about who didn't get in. A playoff system will have just as many flaws, if not more, than the other former systems.  Nice try with the false equivalency argument... I'm not talking about the NFL, NHL, or your pee wee league and could care less about equating their playoff system with D1 college football. 

The best thing about Pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced

BuckeyeDale's picture

Not to mention, what do you want to call Champion?  Tournament Vs season.  All this piece of junk did was change the arguments.

 
BuckeyeDale
GO BUCKS!!

fear_the_nut70's picture

Just because every other system uses it doesn't make it a good system.  It does NOT work for every other league, but people simply ignore the fact that all a tournmant does is transfer weight from the regular season to a tournament, meaning that the crowning of a champion is based on the weight of fewer games (that is the one thing the BCS did right, it determined the champ from a body of 13-14 games weighed evenly).  Playoffs work particularly poorly for football because the game itself is a war of attrition, meaning that unpredictable injuries can play as big a role in who wins a playoff tournament as any other factor).  People don't bitch about the Superbowl champ because they: 1) love playoffs; 2) really haven't thought about how fictional it really is because it sounds fair.  Please explain to me exactly how the 12-7 Giants could be deemed the champs over an 18-1 Patriots team when they split their two head to head games?  You will believe this only if you believe in Leprechauns and Unicorns.  I have researched and written a lot about this.  If interested, read these pieces:

http://thepolesposition.wordpress.com/2013/12/19/death-to-the-college-pl...

http://thepolesposition.wordpress.com/2011/01/18/the-argument-against-a-...

I know I probably won't change your mind, but maybe this will be food for thought and stimulate some interesting conversation (or maybe this thread is dead baby, and I will never hear back).

 

 

 

+2 HS
Horvath22's picture

Great read, Nicholas. You think some folks might need a sarcasm font.

PittBuckeye's picture

How did Bert get all oiled up is the real question.

Crimson's picture

I'm sure it took a team of at least 6 people.  How one would find 6 willing people, though, is beyond me.

+1 HS
BoFuquel's picture

Just win'em all, and that take care of everything. If we don't win every game we're out. These people gonna hate each other before this stupid process is over, starting way too early in the season. Should only have one meeting. Some of these people that favor non power 5 conferences could be in real danger. Haven't heard any chatter on the net yet, but this process is gonna last for weeks. not smart from a PR point of view, to endanger the committee for that amount of time. If the SEC doesn't get at least two teams in The Final Four; Katie bar the door, dem boys gonna be pissed. GO BUCKS!

I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.

ibuck's picture

I do not favor a playoff that lets SEC teams advance even though they lose. And the conference championship games are the first round of the playoffs. So only 1 SEC team will be among the 4 selected.

Our honor defend, we will fight to the end !

If you can't win your conference, just quietly accept your non-playoff bowl game.

+1 HS
BHT's picture

Amazing! I don't know a strong enough word to describe how awesome this article is. Great way to start the morning.

+1 HS
IBLEEDSCARLETANDGRAY's picture

Expanding the playoff field can only help OSU especially when we're undefeated or have 1 close loss to a really good team. But as long as it's 4 teams the Buckeyes probably have no choice but to go undefeated to get in and even then, I will still have doubts. I would imagine Ohio State as a No. 1 seed will cause the committee's heads to explode.

"Sherman ran an option play right through the south" - Greatest Civil War analogy EVER.

+1 HS
JohnnyKozmo's picture

The all mighty dollar is still the driving force behind College Football.  If Ohio State is undefeated, they will be in, no questions asked.  It would take 4 other undefeated teams to keep them out, and that's not going to happen.  Even a one loss Ohio State will have a chance, because of the huge ratings they will provide.  We aren't talking top 2 anymore, when it was the SEC, and whoever else.  There are 3 other spots there.  As long as it isn't a bad loss (blow out, App St, etc.), and they look good in every other game, win the conference championship, there's no reason to think they would not be considered.  Especially if the committee can match up tOSU with an SEC team in the first round, you know they'll jump all over it.

 

 

+3 HS
CincyBuckeye31's picture

Thanks for the laugh!  Funny stuff.

+1 HS
headina's picture

An undefeated buckeyes squad with wins over michigan state and penn state on the road will undoubtably have them in. Remember it isn't a fight over 2/3 any more you only need to be in the top 4. I hope they are the 4 seed and smash Florida state, then take down an SEC team to win the whole thing. Long live the buckeyes. 

GO BUCKS

+1 HS
JohnnyKozmo's picture

Only better scenario would be making it as the 1 seed, getting a 1 loss SEC team (have to be a team from the East who doesn't play Bama in regular season, and only loss would be on a last second FG in SEC Championship to Bama), in the first round, and then playing an undefeated Bama who just throttled FSU in the Semis.  I would love to hear the "experts" on ESPN the day after the NCG if that happened.

+1 HS
buckeyestu's picture

Conspiracy? It is likely, however, taking into account the size of Buckeye nation, and television ratings, I just don't see a conspiracy. I do think the playoffs will expand to 8 teams, and imo the playoffs should expand to 8 teams. The champions from the 5 major conferences and 3 at large spots. Go Buckeyes!!!!!!

Scum still sucks!!

CGroverL's picture

There is definitely a conspiracy. What espin did to the school during "Tatgate" proves that as more reporters covered Tatgate and more lies were made up and then proved wrong then the number of Federal Agents and false allegations and other things that went on with Lee Harvey Oswald and the JFK assassination. I can't prove that, but espin had "BREAKING NEWS" more than twice an hour for weeks over some kids selling and trading sports memorabilia. According to the New York Times, Ohio State still had the largest fan base AFTER Tatgate, but a conspiracy like this, put up to a 13 man panel (Is Rice a man or woman?) is definitely a possibility as Ohio State is not only the football team with the largest fan base, it is very probable that there are 8 haters for every Buckeye fan.

"I hope they're last in everything"

Thanks, Urb!

-1 HS
CGroverL's picture

I admit it and have said it before here at 11 W. I never liked the concept of the Bowl Coalition or the Bowl Alliance (for the younger members of Buckeye Nation, those were the two selection systems that preceded the beloved BCS)....in fact, I saw the BCS as just PART 3 of the people of power destroying college football. Now we have what EVERYONE always wanted....a playoff system. This playoff system will be the worst idea of them all in my opinion. To me, having to pick #3 and #4 will be MUCH tougher than simply picking 2 teams to play for a title. Honestly, the only thing wrong with the way things worked before the Bowl Coalition started was the Rose Bowl "situation" (and other bowls taking certain teams even if it took away from a #1 vs. #2 matchup) as taking the best Big Ten team and the best Pac Ten team could mess with the possibility of having a true #1 vs. #2 matchup. Really though....if we never had the Bowl Coalition, Bowl Alliance, or Bowl Championship Series and just made it to where the #1 AP team played against the #2 AP team dissolving automatic bowl bids to certain bowls because of winning their conferences, would we be any worse off than we were before this coming 2014 season? I'll probably never like a playoff system and being 41, I'm not THAT old. I just know that a 4 team playoff system in a league that has 125 teams is not the best way of finding a national champion. After all, what team is a national champion? Is it the best team in the nation, or is it the team that wins the 64* team tournament like they find their champion in basketball. I'll guarantee you this....The BEST team in the nation almost NEVER wins the NCAA's 64* team tournament, the team that survives that tournament is the champion. Personally, I like to think of the best team to be the champs...playoffs do not guarantee that, like we all ACT like we want. Whether it is the MLB, NHL, NBA, the NFL, or whatever, the playoffs do not guarantee that the best team wins the championship. Oh course, having a poll ranked #1 play against a poll ranked #2 does not guarantee that the best team wins the championship, either.

That is the problem that I have with these playoffs. The majority of the public wants these playoffs so the best team wins the championship....and the playoffs don't do that at all. In fact, all they will do is have about 4 teams claiming that they should have been in the playoffs and could have won the playoffs. And for the teams that are deemed #5, #6, #7, and #8...they may be right. These playoffs are being done to have an "out right" champion, but they will give us anything but that. This is true whether or not you support the playoff system or are against it. The playoffs are far from the answer unless you think that surviving a tournament is the best way to crown a champ. The larger a playoff system is (the more teams invited), the more distorted a playoff system can be made out. For instance, a team that loses their first 2 games and wins out, may be the best team in the country...but 2 losses to start the season would most probably take that team out of a 4 team playoff. No matter what way you want to look at it, the playoffs are NOT the answer. I know that I speak for the vast minority...but my views are correct and fair as I don't have a better answer besides an opinion. My opinion is that we were better off without the BCS and its predecessors and that the bowls were a good thing. Even further, I believe that these playoff mongers DOWN the bowl games simply to further their playoff agenda as most of us like college football enough to watch almost any 2 teams play. That why college football fans are a breed that some don't even like the NFL. College football rules our lives...especially those of us that sat here long enough to read this 10,000 word rant against the playoffs that everyone wants. Don't give me downvotes because you want the playoffs so badly. Try to see that I might be right and that my opinions might be closer to facts before you downvote me too hard, anyway.

"I hope they're last in everything"

Thanks, Urb!

-3 HS
Arizona_Buckeye's picture

I'm with you on this one... I have never, ever wanted playoffs in college football!

The best thing about Pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced

+2 HS
BuckeyeDale's picture

Exactly.  Big difference between a short playoff for 32 teams and a playoff for 120+.  We're allowing the powers that be (BSPiN) destroy the tradition & pageantry that made us love CFB in the first place.

 
BuckeyeDale
GO BUCKS!!

+3 HS
Crumb's picture

Preach on fellas, the now extinct 'every game matters' part of college football is why I could spend a fall Saturday from noon to midnight watching hoping teams I had no care for get upset. Rivalry games lose a little of their juice now too. Think of it like this if we were ranked in the top four and Heaven forbid lose to those jerks up north and then defeat a top rated team in the B1G title game still get in the playoffs, and win a national title. I can't think of a worse season for the Buckeyes to have than the one I just described.

"The only good thing about it is winning the d*** thing" - Urban Meyer on The Game The War

+2 HS
osubuckeye4life's picture

Exactly, this was always my issue with a playoff. No longer will every game matter, especially for the SEC. 

+1 HS
CentralFloridaBuckeye's picture

Great work Nick!  Funny stuff, brings back memories of watching those cartoons many years ago.  Sure hope that the real world committee don't run like that.  But sometimes life is more interesting than what you can make up.  Let's see how this unfolds.

nm_buck's picture

If playoffs give me the possibility of seeing my Buckeyes play one more game in a given season... I'm golden.

+2 HS