The Vast Anti-OSU Playoff Conspiracy

By Nicholas Jervey on May 3, 2014 at 6:00a

Hall of Doom

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The new College Football Playoff is a scary prospect for the Buckeyes. Say this for the blood-suckers behind the BCS: even though they messed with it every year, forced the computers to deliver useless rankings, and stole from schools, they delivered a reasonably transparent result. Under the new system, there will be no such thing; it will be all subjective, based on the whims of 13 hand-picked people.

Though the committee's plans are only partially developed, one thing is clear: they are engaging in a conspiracy to destroy Ohio State football. In fact, we already know how one of their meetings will go.

November 28, 2014. For the third consecutive season, the Ohio State football team is on the verge of finishing the regular season with a perfect 12-0 record. With the OSU-Michigan game to be played tomorrow, the College Football Playoff committee convenes to discuss what it always discusses: how to undermine the Buckeyes.

As the 13 committee members curse the top-ranked Buckeyes, committee chairman Jeff Long calls the cabal to order.

Jeff Long

This meeting is in session. Gentlemen and Condi Rice, to evil!

 

All: To evil! [they clink glasses]

 

Jeff Long

My brothers, we have come upon a serious problem. As you know, our duty is to select four teams for the college football playoff. Per our preseason discussion with Commissioner Slive, we have manipulated two SEC teams into the playoff. As it is the Big 12's turn to take part in the championship game, we have cleared the way for Oklahoma as well.

 

Oliver Luck

Jeff, you know I'm the athletic director at West Virginia. We're in the Big 12 too. Couldn't you have thrown me a bone?

 

Jeff Long

Shut up, Oliver, your team sucks. Gentlemen, those pesky Buckeyes are undefeated, and with a win over Michigan we would have no choice but to consider them for the playoff. We cannot allow OSU to undo our machinations.

 

Steve Wieberg

Um, hi everyone. Steve Wieberg. I've been thinking: is this something we ought to do, punishing Ohio State like this? I'm just a journalist, but our vendetta makes no sense. Why not just let OSU make the playoffs?

 

Silence fills the room. When Long speaks, it is with icy contempt.

 

Jeff Long

An amusing joke. Tom Jernstedt, do you expect any trouble from the NCAA for the upcoming course of action?

 

Tom Jernstedt

No, sir.

 

Jeff Long

Splendid.

 

Wieberg's chair rocks backward, pitching him into a fiery chasm.

 

Jeff Long

By the way, seeding the Buckeyes against Dayton was an inspired decision. Barry Alvarez, you know the Big Ten better than anyone. What shall we do?

 

Barry Alvarez

I told you not to hire Bret Bielema, Jeff. I told you he made a pact with the devil to lose 3-5 games and win the Big Ten every year until he left Madison! Why didn't you listen?

 

Jeff Long

Because you're senile. Mr. Luck, you hired Dana Holgorsen, you know all about high-octane offense. Is there anything we can do to slow down Braxton Miller?

 

Oliver Luck

Well, Michigan State used a base 4-3 over, cover 4 scheme to box in–

 

Jeff Long

No, we need to think outside the box! Mike Tranghese, you're a former Big East commissioner. Can you tell us anything that would help t–

 

Mike Tranghese

Basketball! The sport of kings. Y'know back when I ran the Big East–

 

Jeff Long

This is why your conference lost its auto-bid. You're as useless as Ty Willingham in a staring contest with a mannequin.

 

Ty Willingham

[vaguely registers conversation, does not divert gaze from mannequin]

 

Dan Radakovich

Hi, Dan Radakovich here. As the athletic director at Clemson, the last team to beat Ohio State, our squad had the skill set to undermine the Buckeyes. Just use bubble screens and sweeps galore to keep OSU's defense on the field. They'll never see it coming!

 

Jeff Long

That's a fine idea, except that's exactly what you did last year. And they have a new defensive coordinator who knows what he's doing. Are you familiar with Chris Ash?

 

Dan Radakovich

Eep.

 

Jeff Long

Archie Manning, you're our SEC delegate. Surely your conference would be able to stop Ohio State if it wriggles its way into the playoff?

 

Archie Manning

Well, we'll have two teams in the playoff, but...

 

Jeff Long

But what?

 

Archie Manning

...there's not much evidence that our top teams would blow Ohio State away. Sure, there's OSU's bowl history against SEC teams, but ten games over the course of 30 years are irrelevant to today. And when the Big Ten starts playing nine conference games in 2016, we'll be the last major conference to play eight games. People might even start seeing us as having the weakest schedule.

 

Pat Haden

Um, Jeff? I know you don't want to hear this, but there might not be any way to keep Ohio State out of the playoff. Michigan certainly won't.

 

Jeff Long

FINE! We have no choice but to bring in the military. General Gould, you used to supervise the Air Force Academy. Can you guarantee us air superiority?

 

Lt. Gen Michael Gould

I can neither confirm nor deny that we have B-1 bombers in position to destroy Indianapolis before the Big Ten Championship Game.

 

Jeff Long

Good. Condi, you still have sway over the Department of Homeland Security, don't you?

 

Condoleezza Rice I had a few dozen informants tip off federal agents to an insidious plot to deface Ohio Stadium. They may have no choice but to detain Ohio State's football team – for their safety, of course.

 

Jeff Long

Excellent. So it's agreed: we shut down tomorrow's OSU-Michigan game. Just to be safe, we'll bombard Lucas Oil Stadium next week. Any opposition?

 

Tom Osborne Jeff, my Nebraska Cornhuskers just won the Big Ten West. I'd never question your wisdom, but do you have to carpet bomb my team?

 

Jeff Long

Bo Pelini could survive a nuclear barrage. Heck, he'd probably thank you for the complimentary chemical peel.

Mark my words, Buckeyes! You will never live to repeat the glory of the 2011 Sugar Bowl! You will never again best my team! I am superior to you in every way! You will rue the day you crossed Jeff Long, Athletic Director of Arkansas!

Long laughs maniacally. He is interrupted by a call from his secretary.

Generic Secretary

Sir? The police want you, they say Coach Bielema is oiled up and on the loose.

 

Jeff Long

Dammit.

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