So it seems like the collective capital-I Internet is in a tizzy about the recent news that Rivals is starting to list 6th graders in their rolls. To a lot of people this represents the absolute worst about youth athletics in general, and for the most part your standard 140-character Hot Take on the subject has been negative. Here's the inevitable joke about that which I'm mad I didn't make first:
wow omg look what i just found in @Rivals recruiting database pic.twitter.com/Kllf6H6iPq
— David Fankhauser (@dfank_BU) February 16, 2015
The backstory to all of this is actually pretty simple. Back in December, Rivals partnered up with NextGen All-America Camps to publish the "elite" kids that appear in the Next Gen camps. The camps themselves are basically a hundred dollar NFL combine experience for middle schoolers, and if they're the best of the best, Rivals will give them a profile page that creepy, subscription-paying adults and click on and salivate over. Sorry, poor choice of words. I'll just use theirs.
[Daron], a small quarterback with a big arm is incredibly composed and very polished -- and he can make every throw. And with a father standing nearly 6-foot-7, he may soon have the body to match his arm.
Daron (whose full name I'm not going to use because let's be clear, no part of this is not creepy) is 12 and maybe five foot two, so that means NextGen and Rivals have now just made tracking a child's body through puberty a prime selling point, and established a narrative that says if the kid only grows another 5 inches he screwed up. By the way, "growth" appears to be a theme here:
But the kid that schools will be need to watch closely was 6-foot-2, 240-pound, long-armed and quick-footed Segun ... If he continues to grow, he's going to be special.
Connecticut's Trey ... was impressive. The 8th grader is a raw prospect with a strong arm, but also displayed touch and showed accuracy. When he grows into his body and gains full control, he's going to be dangerous.
[Players] ...will be added to NextGen's Freak List, a list that will tally the most impressive athletes attending their Showcase events.
If you're skeeved out right now, don't be! In truth, all Rivals and NextGen are doing is codifying something that has been going on for decades now: parents paying ungoldy sums of money so that former professional athletes can coach their kid for about 20 minutes and tell them that their kids are freaks. Anyone who has had kids or been even a decently athletic child during the past several decades knows that in virtually any sport, the pressure for kids to join club or select or travel teams to gain more experience/exposure is an ever-present force. The hyperbolic language that talks about children as if they were seasoned athletes and not a bunch of gangly kids who started playing their sport a good two or three years before the camp is all part of the rich tapestry, too.
So just accept it! It's been going on for years already; remember when Lane Kiffin gave a 13 year old a scholarship? Well now he's happily committed somewhere far, far away from Kiffin, so it looks like the whole process worked out! And surely adding a bunch of strangers on the internet willing to pay a monthly fee to read about recruiting into the mix can't hurt any!
And don't be a worrywart. As a licensed educator with nearly ten years of experience teaching in middle and high schools, I can promise you that if there's one thing teens and pre-teens excel at, it's making rational, thoughtful decisions about their future while under large amounts of outside pressure. Anyone wringing their hands about any of this is a Communist Nazi who hates the free market and wants their college football team of choice to lose every game until the end of time in humiliating fashion.
In fact, I want to contribute to this new wave of athlete evaluation, and hopefully my unique skills as an educator can finally come in handy for more than just wasting my time trying to teach young adults about the wonders of the world that they live in. So, to that end, I've created a gauntlet of physically and mentally demanding drills and challenges that will show the true skill a child aged 10-14 possesses.
The "Eradicator"
Starting at the 20 yard line, the athlete will run to the opposite 20 yard line. In between, at intervals of five yards, will be placed a cherished childhood toy that the athlete must stomp on and destroy before moving on. A 10 second penalty will be added for every tear shed.
The "Whispers of Truth"
The athlete will stand at the goal line with a barrel of footballs in front of them. Their objective will be to throw as many passes as they can through a 3 foot in diameter tire placed 20 feet in front of them, while members of the opposite sex stand 10 yards behind them and talk in hushed giggles. Penalties will be added for every time the athlete turns around and asks what they're talking about.
The "Lonesome Dove"
The athlete will be placed in the middle of 100 strangers, all of whom are way cooler than they are and are sitting at tables that are full with only one spot open. The athlete will have 30 seconds to muster up the courage to ask to sit down with a table and make direct eye contact with another human being sitting at said table. Time will be added for each nervous glance around the room.
The "Suave Swede"
Our version of the Wonderlic, the athlete must lie convincingly about what it's like to touch a boob.
The "Determinator"
Coaches will single out a select few athletes for commendation and national attention. Athletes not singled out will attempt to avoid severe depression and disillusionment with their sport, and athletes who are singled out will try and live up to ridiculous expectations placed on them by adults at a very young age.
Taken together, these drills are by far the best metrics that any parent or coach or parent that thinks they're the coach could use when making the decision to eliminate the concepts of "free will" or "autonomy" from their offspring's childhood. Total cost for my program is a mere one thousand American dollars, and you can contact me for consultation at Johnny@ElevenWarriors.com.*
*Kids, please get mom or dad's permission before signing up for my program. They always, always know what's best for you and would never selfishly use your athletic abilities for their own gain.
