Eleven Warriors

"I threw down my enemy, and he fell from the high place and broke the mountain-side where he smote it in his ruin."

In an office on the outskirts of Chicago sits the most clever man in the world. He has the power to move mountains, to fell demons with a stroke of his terrible pen, to create vast networks out of thin air. And despite the fact that he looks and sounds like a cross between Adrian Toomes and Willard Scott, he is in reality the singular man who holds the fate of the college football world in his wrinkly, arthritic hands. Per the Chicago Tribune:

The Big Ten is not only ready to listen to proposals regarding a national four-team football playoff, league and school officials are kicking around an intriguing idea.

Sources told the Tribune that a Big Ten plan would remove the top four teams from the BCS bowl pool and have semifinal games played on the college campus of the higher seed.

This is the weapon that kills the BCS. A four team playoff will be extremely popular, especially with any element of home games, and will likely lead to an expansion of up to 8 teams or more. The dumbest, most ass-backwards system that any sport, even pogs, has for determining a champion will be laid to waste as fans flock to a playoff and visit a terrible vengeance against Harris polls and computers and Bill Hancock's big stupid face.

This shall be done, and through it all, keep in mind that Big Ten were the ones who for years fought against any idea of a playoff or a so-called plus one system. Keep in mind that Mike Slive and the SEC actually introduced the idea of a plus one system in 2008, but was completely ignored. Keep in mind that now, in 2012, 12 universities, led by the cleverest of men, once again finds themselves in a position to benefit from the mistakes of others (and their own). All they need is the will.

In the fall of 2004, I went to see Lakewood St. Edward play Warren G. Harding in the Ohio High School Football Division-I Playoffs. (I was cheering for the Raiders of Warren G. Harding, because I'll ride for any entity named after the 29th and Most Hated On President of the United States.)

Anyways, I remember thinking Alex Boone was basically the biggest human being there ever was. I also remember Mario Manningham having several key drops  in the game, including a game-sealing muff of a 4th quarter punt, and thinking "Michigan can have that dude."

Almost 8 years later, Mario Manningham is making miracle catches in the Super Bowl and probably having sex with real life women because of it. Well played, Mario, well played.  

LEGENDS AND LEADERS WE WILL FOREVER BE. Unfortunately friends, it appears the ridiculous Big Ten Division names, "Legends" and "Leaders", is here to stay due to popular demand. Via The Chicago Tribune:

The Big Ten will maintain its Legends and Leaders division names after hiring a research firm that revealed two-thirds of people surveyed liked the labels that had come under heavy public criticism through media and social networking.

 

The conference said through a news release that the Legends and Leaders names "have some intrinsic value" and will be used throughout the 2012 football season.The Big Ten will maintain its Legends and Leaders division names after hiring a research firm that revealed two-thirds of people surveyed liked the labels that had come under heavy public criticism through media and social networking.

The conference said through a news release that the Legends and Leaders names "have some intrinsic value" and will be used throughout the 2012 football season.

Well thanks, People Who Participate in Surveys. We are now stuck with two completely arrogant division names which will be rightfully mocked from coast-to-coast. I look forward to all the snide comments from outsiders when Iowa and Minnesota are locked in a fourth quarter 3-0 slugfest. Personally, I have always wondered what was left on the cutting room floor if "Legends" and "Leaders" was the best the Big Ten oracles could come up with. I bet it's horrifying. But hey, at least the names have "some intrinsic value"! No matter that "intrinsic value" is a bankrupt phrase peddled by dickheaded marketers.

(*sigh* I don't even know why I get mad anyway. It ain't like the division names won't be "Urban" and "Meyer" in twenty years anyway.) 

ALL HAIL THE MASTER PURVEYOR OF RAW TALENT, URBAN MEYER. I know I have said this, but damnit, I'm going to say it again. I have yet to see any of this man's recruits play football for Ohio State, but as a fan of awesome names, I am already a huge fan of his work. "Adolphus Wahington", "Noah Spence" and now he's brought an "Armani Reeves" into the ranks, defeating Michigan for the former Penn State recruit's commitment? I definitely subscribe to "names mean a lot in athletics" school of thought. I don't even need to see this Armani to know he is a better player than anybody named "Doug". At this rate, I'll be talked into "Ohio State is going undefeated and beating everybody in the Big 10 by sixty" by early March. Hell, I may already be there. This is all especially exciting because Ohio State now employs a coach who will award playing time based on merit alone, so there's a chance we will see a lot of these guys very soon. 

 JIM TRESS, LOOPHOLE SURFER? H/T to reader Dan S. for passing this along: ESPN's talking head, Adam Schefter, (he's the one usually talking to you from in front of his home's bookshelf) tweeted speculation of Jim Tressel returning to the college ranks of as an administrator, even possibly at Ohio State. 

While I agree with ProFootballTalk.com's John Taylor, a reunion at Ohio State sounds unlikely given Tressel's acrimonious dismissal, I must admit it'd be a (somewhat) hilarious troll-gambit by Gene Smith in an effort to stick it to the NCAA without fear of reprisal. It's the least Smith could give Ohio State fans, since the last year of his tenure has been abject failure on all fronts. 

Praise be to the 29th President of the United States of America, Warren G. Harding. Our merciful overlord has allowed us another day, and he has spared us of an All-Michigan Man Super Bowl. In related news, I now have a fully-stocked bomb shelter for when the Nazi-Zombie Apocalypse comes. 

JOE PATERNO IS DEAD AT AGE 85. The former Penn State frontman died over the weekend, and it was another sad if not bizarre chapter in the Jerry Sandusky saga. First, online news organization Onward State prematurely reported Joe Paterno had died Saturday night. This sent media outlets scrambling to cover a death that hadn't yet occurred. CBS Sports just ripped the report off until the family directly disputed it. CBS then passed the shame back to Onward State. (One can deduce from there the effect this had on Twitter.)

Poynter put together a piece on how the false report got started and the subsequent shitstorm it created. To their credit, CBS and Onward State have both apologized. The proprietor of Onward State took his apology even further by resigning from his position, and Onward State has explained where it all went wrong. Hell, I've bungled some things in my day. Granted, I've never prematurely killed off somebody like Joe Paterno; but hey, a player in this game has to take an L from time to time. They always seem to present opportunities to learn, too.

The legendary coach, who had outlasted Fidel Castro, was already reportedly on his way out the door, finally succumbed to lung cancer Sunday morning. Gregg Doyel, CBS' cantankerous troll-writer who has made a living telling you what to think, tells you not to let other people tell you what to think about Joe Paterno. His co-worker and fellow luminary, Dennis Dodd, says you must read the book of Paterno from cover to cover, rather than judge solely judge the sad final chapter. Penn State fans, above all else, seem to think a dumb quote from The Dark Knight for some reason. (They also think the media killed him.) I don't know what sociopath Jerry Sandusky has to say because I'm too baffled by the gall required in his decision to release a statement on Paterno's death in the first place to actually read it. 

Joe Puh, as it was somehow JUST pointed out to me Joe Puhterno should have been called all these years, was responsible for winning a lot of football games. Because of that, people would be willing to defend him even if he had done something criminally wrong. (Penn State's president has said Penn State will honor the late coach.) And though he didn't do enough to see the inside of jail cell, he certainly didn't do enough to pass a rather simple moral test. In the end, Paterno chose to protect "the brand" over the plight of children who had been systematically and chronically raped, even allowing the perpetrator the use of Penn State facilities up until the week he was arrested. Then, in a last ditch effort to wash his conscience during a softball interview with a pre-chosen newspaper reporter, he based the crux of his defense on the idea of men raping boys being over his head. Deadspin's Drew Magary eviscerated this defense much better than I ever could. He'll always have a positive legacy in some realms of the world, but there will rightfully be a stigma attached to his name and "legacy." If for nothing else, than hopefully as a lesson to future generations as to the perils deifying sports figures and programs.

Is it sad? I guess, but Paterno -- who insisted for a long time on being the program's arbiter of justice -- has nobody to blame but himself for this. Sure, Paterno isn't the only adult who was negligent of duty nor the only person in the PSU circle with shame on their hands. But, like Joe Paterno once offered the "victims or whatever they want to say" of this tragedy, it's a "tough life when people do certain things to you."

S-E-C! S-E-C! S-E-C! Esss-Eeeeee-Seeeeee!

Just getting you prepared for tonight. If you are bored during the game or your hatred for the SEC reaches its zenith, feel free to search the hash-tag "#RollTide" on Twitter. Alabamanananas great trolling-targets as they are a notoriously prideful community about their football team. They are also a people who are usually too slow-witted to realize they're getting trolled. LSU fans, by contrast, are usually too krunked to concern themselves with Twitter (and the others are illiterate).

Will I watch the annual apex of southern culture tonight? You're damned right I will, especially with a saucy Brent Musburger rocking the microphone. My three readers know I've been riding the Les Miles swag-wagon since the preseason began. After watching Les Miles and his gang of mutants dismantle every foe which was dumb enough to stand in front of them, I may move to Louisiana next year. That way, when the apocalypse comes, I will be under the umbrage of Warlock Leslie Miles. These are the things I think about.

LET'S JUST GET THE TITLE GAME LINKS OUTTA THE WAY. Yahoo!'s Dr. Saturday continued his excellent "Nola Keys" preview series with a look at Alabama's match-up with LSU's vaunted defense... ESPN.com's Gene Wojciechowski wrote about Jarrett Lee, LSU's backup quarterback who might not play a snap tonight, but LSU wouldn't be in the championship game without... LSU's Tyrann Mathieu "could[n't] care less" about his father who is in prison for murder, wrote Fox.com's Thayer Evans...  Sporting News' Steve Greenberg brought an article about the notion of paydirt having a different meaning to Alabama's Trent Richardson... Nick Saban watches the Weather Channel for half an hour with his wife every morning... Andy Staples of Sports Illustrated wrote an article about the two Australians playing in this mythical title game... CBS' Dennis Dodd said the rematch "may be right, but it shows what's wrong with the BCS"... The Dispatch's Bob Hunter wrote an article like Bob Hunter tends to write... 

Hi. 

It's now three days after the end of the 2011 Ohio State football season. It's finally over and here's the proof. I hope that you're all coming to terms with what that means. 

It means that you were there man, for what may end up being the worst season in Ohio State football history. Congratulations, here's your certificate of participation and a plaque that signifies your involvement as a fan.

What's that? You want me to do what with that plaque?

Well, that's a bit uncalled for, but I do appreciate your concern for my prostate health. 

Anywho, it's time to turn our focus to basketball, recruiting, the NFL play-offs, etc - because college football is over, because none of us are going to watch the SEC Championship squared, right? 

 IF YOU CAN DODGE A WRENCH. Apparently having the innate ability to dodge mechanical implementations will not help Ohio State dodge Wisconsin's Montee Ball in 2012. Ball, the 4th place finisher in the 2011 Heisman trophy race, announced on Wednesday that for some reason or another he will return to Madison for his senior season in 2012. 

At long, long last, the day has come. For a little under five years, I have waited for this day...for Ohio State to have a chance to avenge the ass-kicking the Florida Gators put on them back in 2007. "But DJ," you might say... "That was a national title game. This is a bowl sponsored by something called 'TaxSlayerPro.com'." To that I say: "Whatever, brah."

First of all, orange and blue is a stupid color combination you'd only see in a southern fratboy's casual attire. The '07 loss to Florida is only second to the Lakers losing to the Celtics in the 2008 NBA Finals. In terms of what was expected compared to what actually happened... it was my first true nut-punch loss of my athletic fandom. I believed with all my naive heart Troy Smith was going to lead Ohio State into the pantheons. It was supposed to be a glorified scrimmage. Yet, it ended with some confetti-soaked clown grabbing the mic in the immediate aftermath of the game and screaming, "HERP! DERP! I GUESS OHIO STATE IS GATOR BAIT, BABY!" and then he did that stupid chomping motion thing Florida fans do. 

I don't care if Tim Tebow is curing leprosy in Denver these days or Chris Leak is now cleaning bar bathrooms in Little Rock, Arkansas; Florida took a lot more than some tacky crystal ball trophy from Ohio State that night. They took Ohio State's honor as they unleashed the SEC dragon onto the national scene -- a blight we're still having to deal with to this day.

None of this, of course, applies to Urban Meyer. For a reason I can't quite place my finger on, I can't find it in myself to harbor any ill will towards Meyer. The man, after all, is a Son of Ohio, and he seems like an all around good guy. Whenever Tressel decides to relinquish his vice-grip on the Big Ten and retire to a cushy athletic director's job, I think it'd be cool to see Urban Meyer come back to coach The State University of Ohio. Wouldn't that be something to see?

Lastly, is anybody else disappointed with 2012 thus far? I don't know... I just always envisioned the future to be much... sleeker. *sigh* 

 THE LAST OHIO STATE BOWL GAME UNTIL (PRLY) 2014. If you ever doubted Ohio State fans would venture into the 7th Circle of Hell to watch the Buckeyes play, consider the fact thousands of people not only volunteered to go to Jacksonville, Florida, to do such but also showed up and outnumbered Gators fans at pep-rallys, which apparently exist outside of the realm of high school. Brian Bennett of ESPN.com prophesies Ohio State beating Florida, 24-23. Why do people always pick a score as if nailing it wouldn't be just a pure stroke of luck anyway? Bennett's ESPN.com colleague, Adam Rittenberg, says for Ohio State to win, it must unleash Braxton Miller and the defensive line as well as make Florida pay for its (statistically likely) mistakes. That sounds good to me.

Things have a way of turning around

Brutus Buckeye stands at the railing of a high bridge. "Some life!" he says to himself, bitterly. "I'm worth more dead than alive. Sometimes I wish I had never been born at all." Then, suddenly, a flash! An angelic form appears before him in the snow; a pudgy man wearing farah slacks and a short sleeved dress shirt, with a tiny glowing halo floating just above his wireframe glasses.

"You stupid dumb idiot," bellows the angel. "You feel bad? Fine, feel bad. But hucking yourself off this bridge is the coward's way out, and by God I will not become the guardian angel to some communist sissy crybaby pantywaist. You're coming with me." The short-tempered angel grabs Brutus by the collar with a meaty paw, and in another flash, they are off!

It's been a rough year. Almost exactly twelve months ago, scandal grabbed Ohio State football by the back of the head and dunked us in the proverbial toilet bowl of mass media, and it seemed like the football players and staff were the ones repeatedly slamming on the flusher.

That, plus the resulting 6-6 season, might have been enough to make you want to quit. Give up. Turn in your faded BuckID to an unimpressed secretary in the basement of Lincoln Tower and burn your faded Chris Spielman jersey as you sob in the rain while "I'd Do Anything For Love" plays in the background.

I hope you didn't. In about an hour, the NCAA will let OSU know what their final verdict on this whole ordeal is going to be and tonight or tomorrow the university will go public with what they've heard. And then it'll be over. The speculation, the worrying, the nervous flatulence, all gone. Yes, there will probably be penalties to think over and gripe about, but this hangman's noose that has dangled in front of Ohio State fans for 364 days is about to come undone.