Eleven Warriors

For whatever reason, this picture no longer enrages me.

Last week, because I'm a fan of his work, I read an article by Sports Illustrated's Andy Staples, regarding "Operation: Bratwurst". In it, Staples imagines Urban Meyer as "Urbantor 1000", a robot programmed by an ominipotent Mike "Sliveborg" Slive to send Ohio State into SEC-football-like eupohoria and to further assimilate the country to SEC football culture. 

Staples uses comedy to leverage a very truthful point: Ohio State fans have begun to sing a different tune regarding their worldviews of college football in a very short span of time. I certainly am not above it. Hypocrisy is the price of human existence, and in this case, I have chosen to accept it with open arms. A mere five years ago, Urban Meyer dismantled my favorite Ohio State team and reduced me to a drunken husk of humanity.

But best believe I whistled dixie as I walked past the Florida-plated luxury cars, some with "This is Gator Country" license plate protectors, as I walked into the Les Wexner Football Complex at the Woody Hayes Athletic Center last week to cover Meyer's National Signing Day presser. In my darkest dreams, I can still see Tebow blasting into a Scarlet and Grey-clad defensive line like a hot battering ram into butter, but even those thoughts do little to deter the feeling I get when I envision the power spread offense coming to Ohio State. 

With Ohio State fans claiming their won the "right way" before mentioning Urban's Florida players' brushes with law enforcement, Ohio State recruited Terrelle Pryor in 2008 to (as Pryor even admitted) finally "get Ohio State over the hump." Fast forward to February 2012: Jim Tressel is employed in Akron and Terrelle Pryor wallows in Oakland, the SEC-bowl monkey only slewn in memory. After the unceremonious departures of two of its programs pillars sent Ohio State tailspinning to their first losing season 1988, Ohio State fans were all too willing to grab the ring-encrusted and SEC-proven lifeline which Fortune had left swinging above their groping hands.

There was an audible sigh from Ohio State fans when Gene Smith announced Ohio State's coaches would "have the resources he needed" to secure the services of the assisstant coaches he desired. We then cheered as our new champion went and taught not only the likes of Bret Bielema, but the understudy of our last champion in Mark Dantonio, the definition of "committed" in 21st century football. A few years ago, Ohio Stately fans largely mocked Southern message board recruitniks as pedophiles, and now we find ourselves googling things like "Jamal Marcus Highlights".

These are all figurative bullets I'll willingly bite. As for the overall transformation of Ohio State fans' opinions, nobody has ever accused large groups of people of behaving rationally.

Where I am forced to take issue with Mr. Staples' work, however, is this notion SEC Commissioner Mike Slive, even through the lense of comedy, is some omnipotent cyborg pulling the strings behind the curtains of college football. As the head of college football's most influential, if not toughest, college football conference, he certainly has his fair share of power; but I don't believe he is the commissioner also moonlighting as college football's shotcaller. (Besides, why would he be interested in increasing the competitive level of a competing conference?) No, I think one would have to turn their eyes to Chicago, Illinois, to find the smartest man in college football.

Duron Carter wouldn't have considered this Twitpic-worthy.

If there's one thing I'm truly thankful in my life, it's that Twitter didn't exist when I was a teenager. Not to carbon date myself or anything, but back in my day, you had to take to a "blog" to voice the ludicrously crude and asinine opinions which typically befall a teenager. That was quite the task compared to what it takes for today's teen to instantly publish their opinions to the world.

I can only imagine what linguistic monstrosities my stream-of-conscious would have construed on Twitter back when I was still learning very basic things about the way the world works. I probably would have a black bag over my head for 23 hours a day in Guantanamo Bay right now. 

That isn't to say I've figured the world out now, I haven't, but I think most people would concede they're more knowledgeable about the world's workings presently than they were as a teenager. Granted, I don't know half as much now as I thought I did when I was a teenager, but I feel this change is inevitable. Some people call call this process "maturity", others call it "personal growth" and others yet might call it "an inevitable process due to time."

That's why, when confronted with cases like the extraordinary adventures and musings of Will Hill, I take a time to not only laugh, but to also reflect on some of the things I've learned about life since I was in Will Hill's shoes. Not that I was ever really in Will Hill's shoes (my version of the picture to the right would probably have included two pock-marked hookers) but I wouldn't presently put my name on a lot of actions, let alone opinions, that made up my teenage years. 

The trouble for today's youth, is the fact we now live in an era where your stream-of-conscious opinions can be instantly shared with the world via Twitter, a potential problem compounded by the proliferation of smartphones. Given that teenagers have been saying dumb things for centuries, I feel it shouldn't surprise anybody when the obtuse and unrefined thinking processes of today's youth comes in the form of an 140-character tweet. It was inevitable, after all. 

So naturally, as somebody who wishes Michigan spends an eternity with players like Jordan Kovacs, I chuckled to myself as I saw news of Brady Hoke crumpling up his scholarship offer to four-star cornerback Yuri Wright over the content of some of his tweets. Hoke's train-of-thought was as obvious. He chose to an arbitrary (but convenient) opportunity to grand-stand on the issues of "No man being above the ideas of Michigan" and "character above talent" as if he were simultaneously applying Yuri Wright's standards to every recruit or player under his command. (It's the classic pop psychology bullshit I've come to love about the man already.)

Granted, he's got the whole "Michigan Unicorn-Man" myth to perpetuate, but he probably wouldn't have a very good team if he applied Yuri Wright's requirements to every incoming recruit. (Neither would any other coach for that matter, and they all know it, which is why I suspect so many of them handpick the players which interact with the media.)

Yet, some folks continue to be fascinated by the simplest concepts. Kids say the darndest things. I thought this was a universal truth since God ordained a TV show hosted by Bill Cosby under the same name. Well, thanks to some people apparently willing to troll through thousands of Tweets by teenagers, an impressive feet of mental fortitude/masochism in its own right, ChatSports.com has used the tweets of incoming Michigan recruits to "expose" the already obvious hypocrisy. And guess what? Yuri Wright wasn't the only highly-touted prospect talking crudely or borderline-offensively on the internet.

Oh, and Michigan is just the first stop in a 7-stop tour "exposing" the likes of Notre Dame, LSU, Oregon, Ohio State, and Alabama. (I bet the writer of the article blindfolded himself before throwing darts at a map of the continental United States to choose his targets.)

I was laughing until I realize they were actually serious about this.

The interpretations began flying in from all directions almost immediately after Bret Bielema's unnecessarily public sour grapes moment. Accusing Urban Meyer of illegal recruiting - while providing no specifics to the allegation - is impossible to do quietly, so Bielema couldn't have expected no one to notice.

He also shouldn't have expected any sympathy, though it's hard to read what his intentions might have been. If they were to appear pedantic and bitter, he succeeded.

Consensus opinion was that Meyer was simply planting the flag for the new one-team SEC North. He was just more aggressive and ruthless than the crotchety B1G coaches were accustomed to. Bielema alleged that it had long been customary to back off of recruits once they verbally committed to a fellow conference member, and Meyer was not making nice with the other children.

Any notion of a legitimate gentleman's agreement is fly-covered crap, regardless of what Mark Dantonio also said about such a fantasy. A coach who concedes a recruit he actually wants to a rival is a coach that loves to lose, regardless of conference.

Those alibis are all fine only if you begin with the caricature of B1G coaches as a group of provincial aristocrats content to being the champions of farmland, versus recent SEC coaches like Meyer who prefer to go Alexander the Great over all time zones. There's a degree of truth to that. At least there has been.

However, lost in what turned into universal scorn toward Bielema were some crucial backstories. As has become customary for Ohio State stories floating around the media, important information was missing; details that provide additional tips into Bielema's frustration.

This time, however, the verdict didn't require those clues: The only thing the court of public opinion hates more than a snitch is a whining snitch.

Dear Columbus residents, in case you've been annoyed with my recent Skull Sessions starting off with rants about how badly I'm craving something that's simply a drive-thru away... unless you're in Columbus, OH... then rest assured I'm not completely heartless. I'd sign away my first-born for a Caniac Combo right now (swap the coleslaw for Texas toast, and don't even get me started on coleslaw). Someone, anyone, please go to Cane's for lunch today... and post a picture of the deliciousness, so I can remember the good times.

Now, for the third week in a row, you're likely wondering why this girl you read every Friday morning won't shut up about fast food. You're wondering what any of this has to do with college athletics. It's actually a bit of an ironic twist on the classic, "back to the kitchen." So, I'd like to give a shout out to my brother-from-another-mother, Cassanova McKinzy, for legitimizing my fast food rants in the world of college sports. Big ups, big dawg!

THE WHINING CONTINUES. In case you've found yourself trying to list out the reasons why the B1G has suffered a drop off in prominence, look no further than Bret Bielema's latest comments.

You know that conference down south? The one that has won each of the last six national championships. The one that finished the 2011 season with four top ten teams. The one that knows they're good enough to obnoxiously chant their initials at the end of the games. Well, according to Bret Bielema, “We at the Big Ten don’t want to be like the SEC—in any way, shape or form.”

That's right, SEC... we don't like your kind, 'round here! Please do not infect the gloriously sacred B1G with your college-football-dominating ways. We want nothing to do with any of it. According to Matt Hayes, Bielema can't stop pouting about how Urban Meyer is, "getting under the skin of his colleagues," which really leads me to wonder... is this guy for real? Was he trying to be friends with the same coaches he had no problems running up the score on? 

The story gets better though. You didn't think it could, but it does. While Bielema was so caught up in this "gentleman's code" of the B1G, he seemed to have forgotten the number one rule of life... snitches get stitches. He said that Wisconsin AD Barry Alvarez will talk to Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany today in Chicago, at the B1G AD meetings. Unfortunately, according to Adam Rittenberg, there actually is no meeting today... so we'll have to see if telling "mommy" on Urban will pan out for those guys. Until then, I'd imagine the meeting will go a little something like this.

What does Urban Meyer think about these allegations? Doug Lesmerises had a good summary of that, but I'd imagine the facial expression looked something like this. November 17th is going to be so much fun.

Trophies', like money's, shine can hue a human's moral compass. 

If there's one thing I think I understand about the universe, it's this: sports can mean a lot to certain people. Sports, like alcohol, cause people to do things they wouldn't do otherwise. Some of this means lighthearted, albeit bizarre, fun. Sports can make "Ned from Accounting" dress up like a clown and momentarily lose his mind for two and a half hours on the weekend. Other times, it has a deeper, more sinister effect. If you're having trouble crystallizing examples of this, I offer the picture of the two gentlemen to the right. They are, from the picture's left to right, Bear Bryant, former Alabama football coach, and Joe Paterno, former Penn State football coach. They offer examples of what nefarious effects sports can do to the neurons firing in people's brains.

Besides both being largely successful at what they did (8 national titles between them), they were both moral cowards who failed the biggest (and probably easiest) moral tests of their time... and that stigma should rightfully be attached to their "legacies". It is simply the tale of the tape, and to act or say otherwise, is to engage in historical whitewashing. 

Some people enjoy a good historical whitewashing. Look at all the "AND HERE THE PILGRIMS GENEROUSLY INVITED THE SAVAGE INDIANS, WHO BY THE WAY, HAD NEVER SEEN A FEAST OF THIS MAGNITUDE, INTO THEIR COLONIES AND EXCHANGED WINE AND GOOD STORIES WITH THEM" Thanksgiving plays which occur at institutions of learning across this country every fall. I guess as long as it's not the beginning of your people's genocide getting euthanized from the history books, then it's all good fun. Granted, this story doesn't end with Bear Bryant and Joe Paterno handing out blankets laced with small pox, but it doesn't mean people aren't already trying to do to Joe Paterno's "legacy" what others have done to the "legacy" of Bear Bryant and the Pilgrims. 

ALL HAIL THE MASTER PURVEYOR OF RAW TALENT, URBAN MEYER. I know I have said this, but damnit, I'm going to say it again. I have yet to see any of this man's recruits play football for Ohio State, but as a fan of awesome names, I am already a huge fan of his work. "Adolphus Wahington", "Noah Spence" and now he's brought an "Armani Reeves" into the ranks, defeating Michigan for the former Penn State recruit's commitment? I definitely subscribe to "names mean a lot in athletics" school of thought. I don't even need to see this Armani to know he is a better player than anybody named "Doug". At this rate, I'll be talked into "Ohio State is going undefeated and beating everybody in the Big 10 by sixty" by early March. Hell, I may already be there. This is all especially exciting because Ohio State now employs a coach who will award playing time based on merit alone, so there's a chance we will see a lot of these guys very soon. 

 JIM TRESS, LOOPHOLE SURFER? H/T to reader Dan S. for passing this along: ESPN's talking head, Adam Schefter, (he's the one usually talking to you from in front of his home's bookshelf) tweeted speculation of Jim Tressel returning to the college ranks of as an administrator, even possibly at Ohio State. 

While I agree with ProFootballTalk.com's John Taylor, a reunion at Ohio State sounds unlikely given Tressel's acrimonious dismissal, I must admit it'd be a (somewhat) hilarious troll-gambit by Gene Smith in an effort to stick it to the NCAA without fear of reprisal. It's the least Smith could give Ohio State fans, since the last year of his tenure has been abject failure on all fronts. 

This man lied | no one died | his carcass was delicious.

The manner in which the media breathlessly caressed and inflated Ohio State's miserable 2011 with all of the journalistic credibility of a hair salon is a well-beaten discussion path amongst frustrated Buckeye fans.

When the NCAA's final report contained only a fraction of the bad news that had been reported as fact for months, this created a false perception that Ohio State was handled with kid gloves by the COI. (Search for the words Dennis Talbott, free cars, television ban or endorsed checks amounting to $20-$40K for super secret autograph sessions in the NCAA's final report. Surprised? Disappointed?)

While the bias has been tossed around for years, what's never been clear regarding the disproportionate coverage and intertwining of facts with pure speculation is how or why Ohio State earned that bulls-eye from the media behemoth. It's driving a lot of you crazy. Thanks for all the cards and letters, by the way.

ESPN, which has had a noticeable hard-on for the Buckeyes dating back to its odd three-year obsession with Maurice Clarett, is still - curiously - suing the university to see documents the NCAA already accessed and considered in issuing its final judgment to what is now a closed case.

There are no accidents in news coverage, and because they hate us borders on unhinged paranoia, so initial theories on ESPN's Buckeye fetish were focused on the Big Ten Network and its content as a direct ESPN competitor: Inflict damage on one of its marquee content providers and you hurt BTN via communicative shrapnel. As with everything else, it was because of money.

But then the Jerry Sandusky tragedy unfolded at Penn State and ESPN's coverage was sluggish from the outset; almost hesitant to devote resources to covering the story, as if it was Ben Roethlisberger's rape case (billions invested in the NFL!) Jim Calhoun's major violations at UConn (he tapes Sportscenter commercials!) the Willie Lyles/Chip Kelly story (he tapes Sportscenter commercials!) or the Nevin Shapiro scandal at Miami that ESPN explicitly refused to acknowledge until it became too awkward to ignore it any longer.

Until Sandusky and the Penn State administration provided the most horrendous measuring stick imaginable, Tressel's cover-up was the scandal of the year in American sports - not because of what transpired, but mainly because of how the media - ESPN, mostly - chose to shape the narrative of a man who was caught and turned in for lying by his employer.

FIND OUT WHAT IT MEANS TO ME!

Yesterday I was sitting in the Book Loft in German Village, flipping through a copy of These Guys Have All The Fun, which is basically a collection of recollections by ESPN personalities about the various goings on at The Network throughout the years. It's more or less a navel-gazing romp through some of the dumber moments in ESPN history (Sean Salisbury trying to explain away taking a picture of his junk and then showing it to other ESPN employees is particularly funny/sad/irritating, as is Dana Jacobson explaining exactly why she decided to get so incredibly drunk and make fun of Notre Dame and/or Jesus at a roast), and while the actual story of ESPN and how it came to be is a good one, it's not really an expose of any sort.

Not that you would expect to find one! ESPN loves narratives, and the one that they've constructed for themselves is how a plucky, daring cable network was able to work it's way up to being the most powerful and influential sports entity on the planet. Through it's on air aw-shucks demeanor and off air cutthroat marketing strategy, they've been mostly successful at preventing anyone else from challenging it's Nero-like reign over sports media. Hooray.

Of course, Ohio State fan who hates ESPN anyway, I do not have to tell you that ESPN is bad for sports in general. It's pretty self-evident that a monopolistic entity controlling the narrative of sports in any manner that it sees fit is pretty bad for athletics, especially when that entity has a financial stake in the success of certain aspects of a particular sport, like ESPN does with the SEC in college football.

Anyway, this post isn't about ESPN, which mostly sucks. It's about Eleven Warriors, why we're asking for your donations through our Respect the Basement fundraiser, and okay yes, I guess it is a little bit about why ESPN sucks.