Eleven Warriors

Good morning, Buckeye fans, and welcome to Friday! I'd say we should all get this party started, but it seems our old pal, Art, started without us. Stay away from drugs, kids. They're just bad news, and... isn't food addiction more fun anyway? I think so. Just don't ask Paula Deen about that. 

Before I go off on an endless food tangent, which I'm completely capable of (insane In N Out craving, at the moment), let's get to the good stuff.

SPRING BREAK, 2012! Save the date, Buckeye fans. Ohio State announced this week that the 2012 Spring Game will take place April 21st at 1:30pm EST. 

This year's spring game will be the first Tressel-less one in quite some time, and also serves as the first opportunity for fans to witness the much anticipated Urban Meyer-coached Buckeyes. Ohio State spring games in the past have seen as many as 95k in attendance (a national record), and with the excitement around the Urban Meyer hire, this year could quite possibly put that to shame. Take that, again, Nick Saban. 

What could make witnessing the arrival of Urban Meyer's offense even more fun? A post-game night of debauchery with your favorite Buckeye-obsessed basement dwellers. How does one secure such a fabulous opportunity? Well, lift your jaw off the ground, and read up on the 11W Respect the Basement Fundraiser.

THE BALL SEEMS TO ALWAYS BE IN PRESIDENT HARDING'S COURT

The 29th and Most Hated On President of the United States of America, Warren Gamaliel Harding, was a renowned gambler, golfer, and lover of life. Seeing as President Harding ushered us into economic success unheard of in human history (before being tragically assassinated by his jealous wife--which tanked the economy), his words here might as well come to your doorstep in the form of etched stone tablets. President Harding has been raised through the medieval art of necromancy in order to lead his flock to prosperity by wagering on this year's collegiate football games. (All views and opinions presented here should be considered only those of Warren G. Harding himself, obvii.)
.....

My Fellow Ohioans, 

As we plow forth into the 21st century, I am sure every son and daughter of beloved Ohio has noticed the haterz surrounding our gates. Wherever you're turn, there the detractors are, ready to take glory from our state and have you believe she isn't the finest jewel remaining in our decadent country. I, Warren Gamaliel Harding, the 29th and Most Hated on President of the United States of America and True Ruler of the Eternal Cocaine Galaxies, will not stand for this anymore.



When I was offered a chance at resurrection by powerful necromancers from Marion, Ohio, I was originally skeptical. I had been dead for 88 years and the Mortals were still bound, by and large, to the pebble they were birthed on. Had my jealous hag of a wife, Florence Harding, not stood in the way of destiny, Mortals would have sipped from the Chalice of Immortality back in the 1950's. I can only imagine where my sheep would be hadn't my wife attempted to separate shepherd from flock.

Squabbles aside, even after pissing away an extra $90,000 on a 2-team Presidential Power Parlay in week five of the season (on a game which the fix was on for Kentucky [+28.5] over LSU), I'm cooling my heels on a 187,739.66 dollar pile of cash. Now, I already hear the haterz whispering in the streets, "Well, if he really was all that, he'd have a lot more than $187,000" as if $187,000 isn't 187,000 times the amount of money player-hating pays.

Could I have gazed into my tea-leaves and put out winners every weekend? You're damn right, I could. My goons and I could have bankrupted Vegas over one weekend if we truly got down to brass tacks. But here's what the hater's don't understand: their thirst will never be quenched. Their greed will lead them, much like a mule following a carrot it's too stupid to realize is on a string, to anonymous death in a grave that is much deeper than any personality they ever developed.

Vegas -- if harvested right -- provides a man ample chance to cobble together a more than satisfactory life for little to no work at all. Besides, if we bankrupted Vegas, who would we turn to when we (literally) blow our winnings? Contentment with normalcy, is a rare skill these days, it would seem.



So here we are. After finally getting through a bunch of exhibitions nobody will ever care about (which makes them easy to fix, for you go-getters out there), we're finally on the steps of the games that mean a little more than an exhibition but nowhere as much as the title game. DJ was kind enough to reward the tip of my loaded AK-47 with his entire column this week. I am unleashing all my picks, including the last $10,000 Presidential Power Parlay of the year. 



There will be wins. There will be losses. But in the end, if you follow your shepherd through the storm, you will be stronger (and more prosperous) when we reach the other side. Now, let Daddy Warbux show you where the cash is at...

Last: -$10,000 [ LSU (13.5), Oklahoma State (-3.5), Wisconsin (-9.5)]

THE SEASON'S HONEY POT: $187,739.66

Jim Tressel and Gordon Gee. 

Tuesday afternoon the NCAA released the long awaited report on their investigation into NCAA violations at Ohio State, under former head coach Jim Tressel. The NCAA gave Ohio State a one year postseason ban, took away a total of nine scholarships over three years, put the program on probation until 2014, vacated the 2010 season, gave Jim Tressel a five year show-cause penalty and had OSU forfeit their portion of the revenue sharing from the 2011 Sugar Bowl.

Being an Ohio State enthusiast, while living smack dab in the middle of USC territory, I’ve had the privilege¹ of hearing the crying from both fanbases.

In June 2010, the NCAA released their decision, after a four year long investigation into the USC football program, that had many crying foul. The decision to take away, among other things, a total of 30 scholarships and USC’s ability to play in the postseason for two years, was referred to by many as quite a heavy hammer. And, it was.

OLMEC FORETOLD URBAN MEYER'S RETURN IN 1993!

It hasn't even been a week and I'm already over that loss to Michigan. It feels like it happened back in 2003.

Seriously though, did you see how ol' Gordon Gee did it on his haters? Not only did he let Michigan struggle to a non-covering win against a 6-5 (now 6-6) OSU team at home for their first victory of the Facebook era, he then -- not even 72 hours later -- unveiled Urban Meyer and his two national title rings as the 24th head football coach of The Ohio State University.

This was such a power move, Gene Smith was laughing and joking for the entire press conference as if his ineptitude didn't help usher the whole scenario into fruition in the first place. Maybe Gordon Gee and Gene Smith knew this was their one chance at Urban Meyer -- and seeing the rise of the SEC and Jim Tressel's waning years -- perhaps they led a coup d'état against Tressel? While it entertains me to no end to envision this, I refuse to believe it isn't a plausible, either. And before you say something like, "OMG DJ NO WAY BROBRO," let us remember the current state of integrity in college football. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. (Remember this when Jim Tressel is the coach of the 2012-2013 Indianapolis Colts.)

Either way... I can't say I care. I remember back in 2006 -- when I was in college in Montana and Urban Meyer was at the height of his powers -- I always used to troll my non-Ohio friends with statements like, "Urban Meyer will be the next coach of Ohio State whenever Jim Tressel retires the crown." Granted, this was one of my 6,000,000 fantasies, but still... I felt it would some day, by hook or by crook, come to pass.

Well, it's 2011. I'm still in college -- and while I never foresaw the Luke Fickell Transitional Government -- Urban Meyer has returned to Ohio. I still can't believe it. While I was already excited to cheer for a man named "Adolphus", I am now reading about men named "Noah" and "Cyrus" possibly entertaining the idea of playing football for Ohio State? And to think, this righteous harvest was brought about only by throwing our idiot quarterback, our national title winning coach, and our leading receiver's senior season under the bus! Talk about a heist!

I wonder what will be longer: last year's off-season or this oncoming one? Ohio State running a 21st century offense? DUDES NAMED CYRUS!? I think I need to sit down before we get to CHAMPIONSHIP APOCALYPSE SUNDAY!!!!!!!! (/ESPN)

LAST WEEK: 7-4
SEASON: 71-53

So, Michigan can really beat Ohio, I guess. After getting great amusement out of Michigan's hilarious downfall over the years, it was kinda nice to see Ohio's disfigured step-brother get himself a little bit of glory after a seven consecutive unsuccessful attempts. Well played, disfigured little step-brother!

Though, it must be a tad bit disheartening for Michigan knowing their coach put in a year's effort to "beat Ohio", and yet he couldn't cover the spread against a (now) 6-6 Ohio State team at home. It also probably won't please them when Urban Meyer and his two national title rings are announced as Ohio State's next head football coach roughly 12 hours from now. And Michigan, was it sound policy to splurge your one-win-a-decade chip this early into the 2010's? Whatever, I'm over it. See you bums in 363 days on the banks of the Olentangy.

Regardless, I'm proud of the Buckeyes and how they battled in Ohio's name last Saturday. (Ryan Shazier, you sir, are a monster.) To Coach Fickell: Thank you for stepping into a no-win situation and refusing to make a single excuse -- even as Ohio State was finalizing the Urban Meyer deal in the week leading up to the biggest game of the season. Your honorable service shouldn't be forgotten by Buckeye fans.

THE RICH GET RICHER. Ohio State's men's basketball team will get a shot in the arm in the form of the 6'8" LaQuinton Ross returning to the team on December 9th. While the #2 team in the country won't have him for their clash against Duke on Tuesday (which students have been camping out for since last night), the versatile swingman will be a nice toy for Thad Matta as the season progresses. (Now, all Coach Matta has to do is find 38-minutes a game for him.)

When you die, none of the materials you've amassed over your life can come with you. Neither will your money. The only thing you will leave behind -- depending on your life -- is glory. Some men will be remembered in song for eternity. Most will simply be washed into anonymity in the seas of time. Rivalry weekend offers college football players -- from stars to scrubs -- the chance to grab eternal glory. Some will take the glory and others -- most likely Jordan Kovacs -- will end up wrapping themselves in shame. But that's what makes college football (and all sports, really) so great. It gives our insignificant lives meaning as we hurdle through space at 30,000 miles an hour while trapped on a rock.

My W:L ratio, many moons ago, sat at an impressive 3:1. I've crumbled over the last few weeks, but I think this is the week where I grab my glory. I've been riding the favorites this year -- and they've been covering -- but it appears Vegas has righted their ship. It's time to adjust my super-secret algorithm to accommodate these changes in the winds.

LAST WEEK: 3-8
SEASON: 64-49

Well, well, well... It's Michigan week. Misewell get this party started. *rips open FourLoko with teeth* It's been a mere ~11,986,560 seconds since Michigan beat "Ohio" at football. *sips the intoxicating sewer water*

Honestly, I don't remember anything about that life. Where was I when Michigan last beat Ohio State? What was I doing? I wish I knew the answers to these questions. Sadly, I don't remember a world without high definition television or the BlackBerry. (I was a victim of Y2K Technology Inquisition, you see.)

I am, however, fully behind Brady Hoke's drive to rebrand Ohio State simply as "Ohio." I love it for two reasons. One, it makes me laugh to envision Brady Hoke, sweating profusely in a sauna, consciously deciding he is only going to call the flagship institution of higher learning in the state "Ohio." (We're in your coach's brainwaves, Michigan! [They are unironically made of bacon grease.]) Secondly, Ohio State, come to think, does have the State of Ohio on its back. As Kyle Rowland pointed out, Ohio State's endzone used to read "Ohio" in the Rose Bowl back in the 1980's. I like it. I'm going to ride with it.

Going into this season, I predicted Ohio State would go 11-1, win the Big Ten Championship and the Rose Bowl. Clearly I know things. That said, there is no doubt in my mind that Ohio State isn't bringing anything back from the barrenness to the north but a gold-plated W. Ohio State has Michigan right where they want them: as the unproven overdog.  (The Wolverines opened as 7.5 point favorites.) Their fans have real hope this year... real expectations... which means their tears will be extra salty and tastier than recent harvests.

I remember in 2009 -- after a weekend of being brutalized by such witticisms as "F--- you, guy!" and having my sexual orientation questioned -- how silent Michigan "fans" were as an "O-H-I-O" chant rolled around the Big House. They were a broken, defeated people. If Michigan people were capable of having souls, I may have felt sorry for them. Unfortunately, they chose their path of damnation a long time ago.

I have questions, Michigan "fans." What will you do if, in the 3rd quarter with Michigan up 24-13, the clouds part... and from the east... rides Urban Meyer the Champion of Light on his white stallion? What will you do if Meyer then opens up Earth's crusts and casts your sinfully obese coach into black depths and leads the Buckeyes to a comeback victory?

To the Big Ten, I want you to remember this: your hatership on Jim Tressel and overall mediocrity brought this holy union about. Lastly, to William Muschamp: Urban's "deteriorating"" health? Urban could probably outcoach this current crop of Big Ten coaches if he were a patient in the the terminal cancer-wing of Ohio State's world class medical center.  *chugs remaining FourLoko*

Woooo! (FourLoko can really get the juices flowing, huh? One down, three hundred and four to go! It's Michigan week, baby!) While I could ramble about Michigan and Urban Meyer all day, we need to get through this quickly. You see, like every blogger, I live in my mother's basement. Unfortunately, I am not  the rich kind of blogger -- I don't have my own computer -- I use my mom's computer when she's asleep. As it stands, I have fifteen minutes before she gets up, takes her computer and kicks me out onto the streets until she's off work. ("BUT I HAVE RUMORS TO MONGER, MOTHER!!!!" I will scream as she drags me up the stairs by my ear; but such is life as a heroin junkie. (My people and I lag in the possession of the civil rights which protect other minority groups.)

SOMEBODY WAKE GENE SMITH AND TELL HIM OF THIS. 6-5 Miami (FL) -- in attempt to avoid the NCAA's hammer -- has announced it will ban itself from bowl games this year. Gene Smith should rip this page right out of Miami's book. A hajj to the Gator Bowl must be sacrificed for the future of the program.

Despite all the gnashing of dinosaur teeth, it would appear the only thing derailing the Meyer-to-OSU train is a multi-year bowl ban. I'm sure Gene Smith is hoping to insulate his job's security with Meyer's coattails. Seeing as it directly benefits Gene Smith's job security, I fully expect this move to be made in the aftermath of hanging an L on Michigan's jacket. Then again, I'm just a humble farmboy from the heroin fields of Marion with $3,000-a-week heroin hobby. I also sleep on a dog's mattress in the boiler room of my mom's basement. ((*goes upstairs to grab another FourLoko from the fridge, gets back, realizes it's mayonnaise. grabs a used spoon out of the empty Taco Bell bag/trashcan on the ground, eats mayonnaise out of the jar. ~~~MMMMM, DELICIOUS~~~*))

TRAPPIN AIN'T DEAD IT JUST MOVED DOWN THE STREET

Words can't describe how much I hate the Big Ten this year. Actually, yes they can, because that's the purpose of words: to describe. Wisconsin, I am tired of you destroying inferior competition. I am also tired of your coach, who looks like a guy who visits strip clubs on his lunch break "because they have a killer buffet deal." When is your team's performance on the national stage going to reflect the arrogance of your coach and fans? Illinois, your collapse is stunning even for a Ron Zook-coached team. Think about that for a minute. Minnesota, you covered a spread two weeks in a row. I have no idea what the hell I was doing picking you; that one is on me. Nebraska... I don't know you well enough to hate you yet. Kirk Ferentz, why don't you try fielding your team of Coach of the Year trophies next time, ya? You got blown out by KIRK FREAKING COUSINS. Northwestern, you scheduled RICE in November. (/punchline) Michigan, you're still a bunch of faux-Brooklynites, so don't think you're fancy since you actually handled your business last week. I got a bone to pick with y'all, but I got a hankering I'll just pluck it from the ribcage of one of those creatures you call "women" up there in the barrenness to the north in a little less than a fortnight.

I cannot wait until Gene Smith releases a YouTube video announcing the hiring of Urban Meyer. Do you realize what you have done now? Do you all realize?

Sadly, these are fantasies of the future. Presently, I'm tired of having my guesswork and conjecture derailed by the unpredictability of the mediocrity of the Big Ten. My 4-1 record in national games last week -- of course -- got tarnished by my 1-3 mark in Big Ten games. I don't know what I'm more excited for: the Big Ten putting itself out of its misery in a couple weeks or putting down a bowl season parlay in which I'm betting against every single Big Ten team not named "The Ohio State University Buckeyes".

I apologize for my bitterness. l am engulfed in sports hell right now. The Browns are moribund. Aston Villa's greatest hope is a petroleum company from Qatar. The Lakers are getting locked out by billionaires who are apparently proud of the fact they've lost millions of dollars over the last decade. Ohio State football got screwed out of a national title shot by the archaic rule-book of the NCAA. I guess the Dodgers did retain Matt Kemp and Ohio State basketball has multiple future NBA players on its roster? So, thanks Sports Gods?

LAST WEEK: 5-4
SEASON: 61-41