The Day the Sweatervest Died: A Ballad

TheHumbleBuckeye's picture
December 23, 2011 at 4:47p
10 Comments

A little something I put together. Enjoy!

A long, long time ago
I can still remember how
His coaching used to make me smile
And I knew if we’d had our say
We’d flip off the N-C- double- A
And maybe he’d be coaching for awhile
But February made me shiver
With all the news ESPiN delivered
Bad news on ev’ry website
The nation was joyed by our plight
I can’t remember if I cried
As we sang Carmen to him and his bride
Something touched me deep inside
The day… The Sweatervest… died
 

So bye, bye to that Sweatervest guy
Drove their loaners past the Olentangy acting so fly
Them good ol’ boys were busy watching ink dry
Singin ”aint it great to be a Buckeye”
Yes its great to be a Buckeye


Did you read the Book of Hayes
And do you have faith in running Dave
As the Vest would tell you so?
And do you believe that the Buckeye Band
Is the finest in all the land?
Will you stay to sing Carmen hand-in-hand?
Well I know you fell in love with him
After that Fiesta win.
We cried with Neutron Man.
“We got the best damn team in the land”!
I was a lonely freshman Ohio Buck
With a scarlet tee in a pizza truck
But it seemed to us we were out of luck
The day The Sweatervest died.
 

They were singin:
 

Bye, bye to that Sweatervest guy
Drove their loaners past the Olentangy acting so fly
Them good ol’ boys were busy watching ink dry
Singin ”aint it great to be a Buckeye”
Yes it’s great to be a Buckeye
 

For ten years in him we put our trust
A return to “three yards and a cloud of dust”
But that’s now how it used to be.
When Cooper coached against the Wolverines
He’d often lose to those bastard fiends
But The Vest went nine and one with much ease
Oh but while The Vest looking down
The Five were in the wrong part of town
Spring practice was adjourned
No verdict was returned
And while Tressel talked to Sarniak
About his 5-star quarterback
The details never were exact
The day, the Sweatervest died

And they were singin':

bye, bye to that Sweatervest guy
Drove their loaners past the Olentangy acting so fly
Them good ol’ boys were busy watching ink dry
Singin ”aint it great to be a Buckeye”
Yes its great to be a Buckeye
 

Behold! Behest! The Sweatervest
Led them again to the BCS
This time against the Razorbaaaaaaaaaaacks
In the first half we were beating their ass
As Mallett would try another forward pass
But Heyward got to Mallet for a sack
At halftime we were gloating loud
We’d silenced the opposition’s crowd
Then a botched safety call
And a punt block gave them the ball
But when Mallet needed a quarter field
The Silver Bullets refused to yield
Do you recall what was the feel
Before, the Sweatervest died?

The Five were singin':

bye, bye to that Sweatervest guy
Drove their loaners past the Olentangy acting so fly
Them good ol’ boys were busy watching ink dry
Singin ”aint it great to be a Buckeye”
Yes its great to be a Buckeye
 


Oh, and there we were all in one place
Reading reports in cyberspace
No one came to the Vest’s defense
So they damned the Scarlet, damned us Gray
All the haters had a field day
Because, scandals are a hater’s only friend
And as I read every transcript page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage
The committee tried their best
The break that Sweatervest!
And as Dohrmann typed his lies all night
To exacerbate the Buckeyes’ plight
I saw Mark May laughing with delight
The day, the Sweatervest died

And they were singin':

bye, bye to that Sweatervest guy
Drove their loaners past the Olentangy acting so fly
Them good ol’ boys were busy watching ink dry
Singin ”aint it great to be a Buckeye”
Yes its great to be a Buckeye
 


I met a girl who hated Blue
I asked her for some happy news
But she just smiled and turned away
And I went down to my favorite bar
Where I’d watch The Vest coach from afar
But the man there said the Vest, wouldn’t coach.
And in The Oval the students wept
The players cried and hadn’t slept
But not a word was spoken
The Vict’ry Bell was broken
And TP, who had done the most
To dishonor us and Woody’s Ghost
He took the last flight toward the coast
The day, the Sweatervest died

So bye, bye to that Sweatervest guy
Drove their loaners past the Olentangy acting so fly
Them good ol’ boys were busy watching ink dry
Singin ”aint it great to be a Buckeye”
Yes its great to be a Buckeye

Bye, bye to that Sweatervest guy
Drove their loaners past the Olentangy acting so fly
Them good ol’ boys were busy watching ink dry
Singin ”aint it great to be a Buckeye”

Comments

Ethan's picture

Excellent work sir! 

BuckeyeJim's picture

You nailed it. Great job.

causeicouldntgo43's picture

Well done! - It's even the long version. Love the part about "TP catching the last flight toward the coast". Maybe the Dead Shembechlers can stage a reunion tour and play this. This could be a classic one day, but for me......too soon....., it will sound much better after we have a few Urban Meyer seasons under our collective belts.....

Baroclinicity's picture

So damn good.

When you're holding a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

buckeyeEddie27's picture

Man o man,  that was perfect.   Well done.  Required reading for sure.  

I know there's a game Saturday, and my ass will be there.

Poison nuts's picture

Wow!

"Death created time to grow the things that it would kill" - Detective Rustin Cohle.

BucksfanXC's picture

Wow. Excellent work sir.

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

KenK's picture

Don Mclean would be proud.

Johnny Hooker: "He's not as tough as he thinks". Henry Gondorff: "Neither are we".

9Route's picture

This is beautiful!

I'm just happy to be here