The Fake Lantern Campus Week in Review: March 24-30

The Fake Lantern's picture
March 31, 2013 at 9:59p


Korie Lucious filed a transfer application back to Michigan State during Ohio State's game against Iowa State.

A team who only shoots 3s was beaten by a 3 from a player who never shoots 3s.

Charles Barkley thought Ohio State should be a 16 seed.

Walk-on player Jake Lorbach got on the team bus .2 seconds early.

And Momo Jones was finally able to wrap his mind around who Aaron Craft is.


Ohio State global warming researchers weren't sure what to tell you.

A human who will never find happiness changed majors for the fifth time.

Aaron Craft circled the answer at the buzzer to ace his organic chemistry exam.

An Ohio Union tornado drill was unnecessary, as Ohio State had already proven it could handle cyclones.

And OSU Student Wellness began offering free The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time official strategy guides.


Construction workers stopped even pretending to work on the South Oval.

The roommate contract was finally amended to include "No live scorpions" thank God.

And police officers patrolling for jaywalkers announced they would accept meal plan blocks as payment for fines.


The campus "Humans vs Zombies" game hoped to prove whose virginity could survive the longest.

Carmen lowered her expectations.

And campus Heat fans turned off their TVs following Miami's loss and prepared for football morning workouts.



The Ohio Union Activity Board announced a "Where in the World is Carmen Ohio" game night.

Arizona's cheerleaders switched allegiances.

The Staples Center was excited to finally host some quality basketball.

Campus girlfriends were unsure if we were the ones wearing white or the ones wearing red.

Shannon Scott made a basket.

And the CBS talking heads frantically searched for a blown foul call upon which to blame Ohio State's victory.


Campus tour guides found it pretty easy to sell Ohio State today.

The awful roommate ate the last one.

And a person from Columbus hit a near-buzzer beater.


A football school's basketball team disappointedly lost in the Elite 8.

The Lantern proved to be a little bit too predictable.


And DeShaun Thomas Jr.'s first word was "stay."

For more fake campus news, be sure to follow @TheFakeLantern on Twitter and check out

Comments Show All Comments

AndyVance's picture

Gosh, I sure love these. I'm especially enjoying the ongoing gag about what nonsensical pamphlets the Student Health Center is offering. The last time I was there, everything was related to a sexually transmitted disease or alcohol. Apparently they thought all college student were doing was, to paraphrase Chris Rock, drinking and &*#$ing.
Oh, and the line about construction workers and the South Oval is hilarious and sad all at the same time (because it's true).

NoVA Buckeye's picture

Agreed. I'd like to be able to cross South Oval sometime before I graduate.

The offseason begins when your season ends. Even then there are no days off.

William's picture

Same here. As a 2nd year, I don't think I've ever seen anything on the South Oval other than mounds of dirt/mud and stacks of tubing. 

AndyVance's picture

For what it's worth, it was a cool place "back in the day."

NoVA Buckeye's picture

Sorry. Accidental downvote. Can someone help me out here?

The offseason begins when your season ends. Even then there are no days off.

brandonbauer87's picture

I feel like these are ignored because they're blog posts. They are absolutely awesome. 

Bucks43201's picture

Great stuff!

"You win with people." - Woody Hayes