Cardale Jones "Significantly Worried" About Physics Exam

The Fake Lantern's picture
April 24, 2013 at 12:48p

COLUMBUS, OH - According to sources close to the student athlete, Cardale Jones is "significantly worried" about his physics 1251 final exam. "He's been at the library for 8-9 hours," said a friend of the academic all-American, who wished not to be named in this report. "I've never seen him so focused, or studying." Reporters were eventually able to locate Jones on the 8th floor of Thompson Library for a short study break interview. The star Ohio State quarterback, who was biting his nails with test anxiety, was hunched over his computer with notes and quizzes scattered around him in a 3-ft. arc.

"I've calculated the grade I need to obtain on this exam, and frankly, the results are very concerning," said the backup quarterback famous for his school-first philosophy. "If I don't score -- at the very least -- an 87%, I'll risk receiving an A- in the class. And I'm still not crystal clear on the concept of Gaussian surfaces. I'm sorry, but I just can't accept that. Please let me return to my studies." With the interview clearly finished, Jones then firmly gripped his temples and intently returned his stare to the season 1 episode of Two Broke Girls he had been watching on his MacBook.

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