Cardale Jones "Significantly Worried" About Physics Exam

The Fake Lantern's picture
April 24, 2013 at 12:48p
19 Comments

COLUMBUS, OH - According to sources close to the student athlete, Cardale Jones is "significantly worried" about his physics 1251 final exam. "He's been at the library for 8-9 hours," said a friend of the academic all-American, who wished not to be named in this report. "I've never seen him so focused, or studying." Reporters were eventually able to locate Jones on the 8th floor of Thompson Library for a short study break interview. The star Ohio State quarterback, who was biting his nails with test anxiety, was hunched over his computer with notes and quizzes scattered around him in a 3-ft. arc.

"I've calculated the grade I need to obtain on this exam, and frankly, the results are very concerning," said the backup quarterback famous for his school-first philosophy. "If I don't score -- at the very least -- an 87%, I'll risk receiving an A- in the class. And I'm still not crystal clear on the concept of Gaussian surfaces. I'm sorry, but I just can't accept that. Please let me return to my studies." With the interview clearly finished, Jones then firmly gripped his temples and intently returned his stare to the season 1 episode of Two Broke Girls he had been watching on his MacBook.

Comments

BTBuckeye's picture

LOL at Cardale Jones in any type of Physics class. We have Geology 101 & 102 "Rocks for Jocks" at tOSU for a reason.
Seriously though, I learned a lot in Geology at OSU. Pretty cool stuff. Dr. Lonnie Thompson FTW!

PierogyJim's picture

Please look at the author of the post before you get all trolled out of shape

RedStorm45's picture

Ya, I saw it.  Just didn't find it very funny.

PierogyJim's picture

Your reply to the blog post was also side-splittingly hilarious!! Oh wait, it appears that you got troll'd and are now covering your tracks. How Aaron Crafty of you.

RedStorm45's picture

Oh, you got me!! Except not really, I've followed the Fake Lantern before.  This just makes no sense.  Is it Finals week already?  Even so, Cardale Jones' tweet was months ago.  And trying to make fun of his intelligence by claiming he's an Academic All-American in this alternate story?  Oh yeah, that's a knee slapper.  My OP was because I didn't understand the timing or poking fun at the guy.  Maybe he really is studying hard (not to the extent portrayed here most likely) or he really does "play school" now.  Just don't get the point in making fun of the dude's academic study habits.

buckeyeguy0615's picture

It actually is finals week. And what do you mean already? It's been a long semester

RedStorm45's picture

There's still 5 days in April.  For however long, spring quarter (I know, semesters now) didn't end until the end of May or June.  Either way, is it really that funny to post an "alternate" story on the guy's intelligence, clearly mocking him?  Maybe I just don't find it as funny as everyone else.

buckeyedude's picture

Loosen up Red. It was irony. Satire. And quite humorous, IMHO. I think you're over analyzing it, brah.

 

 

RedStorm45's picture

Like I said, at the kid's expense, who has 3+ years to turn it around after his infamous tweet last year?

Hovenaut's picture

Fake Lantern strikes again!

Unky Buck's picture

That was great...it's like The Onion for OSU.

...

toad1204's picture

Nothing like dancing on the field in 02... 

jeremytwoface's picture

I will always upvote anything Ron Swanson/Nick Offerman related

The first man gets the ((((Oyster)))), the second man gets the shell.

brandonbauer87's picture

He didn't come to play school, but when he does play school, he does it well.

bigbadbuck's picture

maybe he's worried about his professorship he so obviously is going to receive

ohiowhitesnake's picture

I don't know about y'all, but I play school.
 
 

Indy_Buck87's picture

Back in the day biology for poets was popular.  I taught lab for the class for 6 quarters while in grad school.  Had some notable buckeyes as students, Bobby Hoying, Pepe Pearson, and Stanley Jackson.  

I know of only two things that are infinite, space and human stupidity.....and I'm not sure about space". Albert Einstein.

tdible2132's picture

I heard Cardale aced the exam..  Man he plays school really well.