Eleven Warriors

Sunday

A group of students found themselves somehow entirely surrounded by a chain link fence construction zone.

A soulless monster tried to sell used textbooks on facebook.

And sidewalk chalk ads for "Sizzling Hot Summer Storage Prices!" failed to win over a majority of students.

Monday

The merciful, almighty university offered freshmen forgiveness.

The OSU police busted a meal plan-based prostitution ring.

The weird roommate inexplicably transferred to Bowling Green.

And the bell tower began taking requests.

Tuesday

A total of ten words were read during reading day.

A survey found that 78% of campus hipsters prefer the Hansford Quadrangle to the Oval.

Students who hadn't yet begun studying made sure everyone else knew.

And students across campus mourned the passing of the SEI professor review deadline.

Wednesday

Cardale Jones was significantly worried about his physics exam.

And students across campus took a 5-minute study break (5 minute pause from normal activities to study).

Thursday

Aaron Craft slept through his second straight exam.

A missing student from 1993 was found asleep at the "18th Avenue Library" (SEL).

And Urban Meyer stole 15 recruits from the NFL draft.

Friday

Freshmen thought they were excited for summer break.

A construction worker gazed down upon all he hath wrought.

And this for real happened just off-campus due to a power outage(!!!):

Saturday

A freshman's "Get Involved!" t-shirt finally became cool.

And a heartfelt goodbye was made between roommates who will lose touch forever within 3 months.

For more fake campus news, be sure to follow The Fake Lantern on twitter or facebook and check out TheFakeLantern.com and then do whatever you want after that.

COLUMBUS, OH - According to sources close to the student athlete, Cardale Jones is "significantly worried" about his physics 1251 final exam. "He's been at the library for 8-9 hours," said a friend of the academic all-American, who wished not to be named in this report. "I've never seen him so focused, or studying." Reporters were eventually able to locate Jones on the 8th floor of Thompson Library for a short study break interview. The star Ohio State quarterback, who was biting his nails with test anxiety, was hunched over his computer with notes and quizzes scattered around him in a 3-ft. arc.

"I've calculated the grade I need to obtain on this exam, and frankly, the results are very concerning," said the backup quarterback famous for his school-first philosophy. "If I don't score -- at the very least -- an 87%, I'll risk receiving an A- in the class. And I'm still not crystal clear on the concept of Gaussian surfaces. I'm sorry, but I just can't accept that. Please let me return to my studies." With the interview clearly finished, Jones then firmly gripped his temples and intently returned his stare to the season 1 episode of Two Broke Girls he had been watching on his MacBook.

Sunday

Everyone just slept until Monday.

Monday

Fisher went out of business.

And students couldn't believe it was the last week of classes, but would have been angry if it wasn't.

Tuesday

The OSU police inadvertently arrested a real criminal at Kennedy Commons.

Every dorm was evacuated "for the fun of it."

The Ohio Union was evacuated due to a suspicious package; The OSU police didn't bother with an emergency alert since nobody talked about it online.

The suspicious package was reportedly a backpack wearing sunglasses that had a creepy mustache.

And the weird roommate couldn't find their backpack.

Wednesday

OSU student wellness began a "Wrap your suspicious package" awareness campaign.

President Gee explained why no emergency alert was sent to students during the Union evacuation.

Campus roommates were pretty excited about it being the last Wednesday of the school year.

And it was announced that the South Oval would host the 2013 Summer X Games.

Thursday

The forecast called for a beautiful day to have 4 assignments due Friday.

The OSU police busted a COTA/CABS drag racing circuit.

ESPN Sports Science determined Braxton Miller was magic.

A number of Oval Beach bods were not quite ready.

Following the NFL schedule release, campus Browns fans were thinking 12-4.

And campus Bengals fans could just feel Super Bowl this year.

Friday

The Ohio Union Activities Board hosted an impromptu "Flicks for Free" screening of "The Town."

And Jim Tressel (for real) got a twitter account.

Saturday

High Street was renamed 420th Street in a zoning error.

A survey found 89.5% of students spend more time calculating grade scenarios than actually studying.

And seniors were glad that the best 4 years of their lives were finally coming to a close.

For more fake campus news, be sure to follow The Fake Lantern on twitter or facebook and check out TheFakeLantern.com and laugh irresponsibly loudly while you read so other people ask what you're reading but then don't tell them.

SUNDAY

The first Oval beach day was ruined by an Oval beached whale.

And following its second threat notification within a week, the OSU police opened investigations into a suspicious package seen on Chat Roulette, the pool drowning death of a SIMS character, and a mean YouTube comment made by user "BuckIH8er."

MONDAY

A class of '82 alumnus began wishing time and change wouldn't show.

Les Wexner purchased the naming rights to President E. Gordon Wexner.

Ohio State's two least coordinated students attempted to throw around a Frisbee.

Evan Ravenel signed a book deal.

Those who stayed came in second.

And the Big Ten proved it was the best basketball conference that will still exist next year.

TUESDAY

Ohio State banned being on the Oval.

An Oval preacher briefly considered going with "Jesus loves you" before settling on "I'm better than you."

Initiated fraternity pledges were relieved to finally be completely conformed.

And students across campus really struggled to pull off working on laptops outside.

WEDNESDAY

Yep, the first class was skipped.

Ohio forgot how to do weather correctly.

The Lantern unveiled its new website.

And a WALK ZONE sign was knocked over by a bike.

Thursday

OSU announced the High St. McDonald's renovation would result in two new dorms for 2014.

The Oval ceramic art sale LLC failed to reach its projected annual revenue of $8.

North Campus dining aimed missiles at South.

OSU Student Wellness began offering free lap dance vouchers redeemable anywhere.

A meal at Woody's tavern required the use of 31 napkins.

And Kendrick Lamar performed at OSU despite his weariness of rapping for college kids who drink to his song that's against drinking.

FRIDAY

Prospective OSU students at Go Buckeye day learned that once you Go Buckeye, you never go back.

Our review of a math professor's proof demonstration found it was boring, could have been shorter.

And Braxton Miller changed his hair again.

SATURDAY

The spring game proved which players cared least about potentially injuring teammates.

The spring game was delayed after players and coaches tried to decide if they even wanted to do this.

Following a sack/fumble, Cardale Jones decided he preferred playing school.

And the scarlet team received "Spring Game Champions 1-0" rings to commemorate their victory.

For more fake campus news, be sure to follow The Fake Lantern on twitter or facebook and check out TheFakeLantern.com and bookmark all of those and always click on those bookmarks.

CINCINNATI, OH - While this year's edition of Buckeye-on-Buckeye football will take place in Cincinnati instead of the Shoe, the story is the same. Ohio State's coaches want to see which players care least about the possibility of injuring a teammate.

While most are expected to play it safe, there are certain players who may end up taking hits too far. But according to one coach, that's exactly what the team needs. "Sure I want to see how our new linebackers can hold up in a game simulation against a versatile quarterback," said second year OSU football coach Urban Meyer. "But what I really want to know is - would Noah Spence kill Braxton Miller if I let him? I think he would." Added Meyer, "Beh-hehhehheh!"

This gladiatorial attitude may seem crazy to some, but probably not to those who attended Ohio State's student appreciation day open practice. According to an anonymous source, David Perkins' brutal hit on Brutus Buckeye during that practice was literally a hit in that Brutus' name had been added to an alleged "team hit list" earlier that day. When asked for comment, Meyer mysteriously whispered, "That was just practice."

As far as who will make the spring game hit list, that remains to be seen - but based on Meyer's comments - you can bet Braxton's name is on there. And everyone else's.

Sunday

Sources discovered that the campus dining location 'Burritos' is apparently run by middle schoolers from the year 2007.

Monday

We changed our twitter name to "The Lantern" and tricked some poor souls into thinking Braxton Miller might transfer because April fools.

Campus Reds fans were glad they didn't have to watch another baseball game again until the playoffs.

And OSU Student Wellness began straight up offering free roofies.

Tuesday

Curl Drive was converted to one giant crosswalk.

PAD introduced new delivery vehicles due to complaints that their old vehicles' backup beeps were unnecessary.

An Indians fan's jersey was not a current player.

And The Society For The Correct Usage Of 'Sigma' protested GRΣΣK Week.

Wednesday

Following the emergency alert of a threat to cafeterias posted on a fantasy/roll playing website, OSU's annual "Best Day Of Your Life" was downgraded to "Decent Day."

A LARPer chose the absolute worst day to bring his sword to lunch.

Embarrassed police realized the threat was posted on a fantasy site.

And the block meal plan system and food itself proved to be the only crimes committed in a cafeteria on campus.

Thursday

An Oval Quidditch match victory resulted in 50 points for Haverfield House.

And Aaron Craft announced he would enter the NBA draft.

Friday

Football players were nervous about having to play in front of people the next day.

Deshaun Thomas announced he would be forgoing his senior season to enter medical school.

Jared Sullinger announced he would be returning for his senior season.

A student running to class was judged by hundreds.

And Ohio State's World's Longest Barbeque event aimed to help cure cancer, cause heart disease.

Saturday

Sibs Weekend revealed that the weird roommate's sibling was actually also pretty weird.

Football players really appreciated being appreciated so much on student appreciation day.

Deshaun Thomas attended a fencing match.

And students who attended Woodfest woke up just in time to attend Chittshow.

For more fake campus news, be sure to follow The Fake Lantern on twitter or facebook and check out TheFakeLantern.com and get a tattoo that says "The Fake Lantern" on your forehead.

Sunday

Korie Lucious filed a transfer application back to Michigan State during Ohio State's game against Iowa State.

A team who only shoots 3s was beaten by a 3 from a player who never shoots 3s.

Charles Barkley thought Ohio State should be a 16 seed.

Walk-on player Jake Lorbach got on the team bus .2 seconds early.

And Momo Jones was finally able to wrap his mind around who Aaron Craft is.

Monday

Ohio State global warming researchers weren't sure what to tell you.

A human who will never find happiness changed majors for the fifth time.

Aaron Craft circled the answer at the buzzer to ace his organic chemistry exam.

An Ohio Union tornado drill was unnecessary, as Ohio State had already proven it could handle cyclones.

And OSU Student Wellness began offering free The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time official strategy guides.

Tuesday

Construction workers stopped even pretending to work on the South Oval.

The roommate contract was finally amended to include "No live scorpions" thank God.

And police officers patrolling for jaywalkers announced they would accept meal plan blocks as payment for fines.

Wednesday

The campus "Humans vs Zombies" game hoped to prove whose virginity could survive the longest.

Carmen lowered her expectations.

And campus Heat fans turned off their TVs following Miami's loss and prepared for football morning workouts.

Thursday

The Ohio Union Activity Board announced a "Where in the World is Carmen Ohio" game night.

Arizona's cheerleaders switched allegiances.

The Staples Center was excited to finally host some quality basketball.

Campus girlfriends were unsure if we were the ones wearing white or the ones wearing red.

Shannon Scott made a basket.

And the CBS talking heads frantically searched for a blown foul call upon which to blame Ohio State's victory.

Friday

Campus tour guides found it pretty easy to sell Ohio State today.

The awful roommate ate the last one.

And a person from Columbus hit a near-buzzer beater.

Saturday

A football school's basketball team disappointedly lost in the Elite 8.

The Lantern proved to be a little bit too predictable.

And DeShaun Thomas Jr.'s first word was "stay."

For more fake campus news, be sure to follow @TheFakeLantern on Twitter and check out TheFakeLantern.com.

Sunday

The official St. Patrick's Day colors were changed to scarlet and gray as Ohio State won the Big Ten tournament.

Despite Berggren their Brust efforts, Wisconsin Evansually found out Jackson threes all day wouldn't beat Ohio State.

Following OSU's victory, IU players rushed the court, cut down the nets, and then cried on the floor.

Ohio State was given the 2 seed in NCAA tournament's stacked West region.

And the roommate who got back first from spring break stole everything.

Monday

Students across campus joyously celebrated a return to classes and didn't complain at all.

Ohio State switched back to quarters until the end of the semester.

And Tansky Toyota began wondering when all those free balls thrown out at basketball games would pay off.

Tuesday

Westboro Baptist found a new following at university of michigan.

OSU Student Wellness began offering free "portable sex chambers."

Jim Foster was fired as women's basketball coach after university officials discovered he was not a woman.

University Dining added Mirror Lake water to its beverage options.

And campus Browns fans were in a state of depression after their best player signed with another team.

(Correction: Campus Browns fans were already in a state of depression.)

Wednesday

Spring "arrived."

An Oklahoma State student mistakenly claimed to attend OSU.

A PAD pizza wasn't technically a pizza this time, but was a good try though.

A survey found 100% of campus Cavs fans predicted a win against Miami, but also knew they would lose.

Aaron Carter was disappointed to find out he wasn't the hottest Aaron C. currently on campus following his concert.

And the University of Wisconsin thought it would be a good idea to reply to a parody Ohio State twitter account for some reason.

.@uwmadison You Up?

— The Fake Lantern (@TheFakeLantern) March 21, 2013

.@uwmadison Well, Not Always twitter.com/TheFakeLantern…

— The Fake Lantern (@TheFakeLantern) March 21, 2013

Thursday

Mirror Lake temporarily became "Amir Lake" for March Madness.

Campus laptops essentially all became TVs for the next few days.

PETA annouced its support for an intentional, thorough extermination of wolverines.

And of course the weird roommate had Harvard winning.

Friday

Ohio State's $45,000 jerseys.

Thad Matta's bracket reportedly had Iona winning.

Even the professor skipped class.

Big Ten began talks to get rid of Wisconsin.

Ohio State unveiled special $45,000 March Madness jerseys.

Aaron Craft stole all of Iona's halftime warm-up balls.

And following Ohio State's victory, Momo Jones still had no idea who Aaron Craft was.

Saturday

Campus police finally arrested serial traffic violator "Jaywalk Steve."

And the NCAA moved Ohio State to the East region so it's fair.

For more fake campus news, be sure to follow @TheFakeLantern on Twitter and check out TheFakeLantern.com.

Sunday

High St. restaurants began accepting blocks (meal plan units) in students' dreams.

A frat house felt like it needed to take a shower.

Luke Fickell was hired as interim pope.

And the collective campus self esteem went down 35% following the Arnold Classic.

Monday

Ohio State's board of trustees voted to add a second Monday.

Central Classroom Building expressed its desire to have a real name.

(Edit: Central Classroom Building will actually be named Harold L Enarson Classroom Building starting next year)

OSU Student Wellness began offering free lower-back tattoos.

And a regretful President Gee frantically tried to thaw tuition after announcing a tuition freeze three weeks ago.

Tuesday

A high school senior who would have made OSU worse decided to attend Miami.

Carmen Ohio was revised to "Winter's cold and Winter's cold."

North Korea aimed its supreme nuclear slingshot at Columbus.

Gene Smith was excited to direct the new season of the hit drama Ohio State Football.

Ohio State basketball wished Indiana a happy senior night.

And Tom Crean's post-game press conference was just several minutes of sobbing.

Wednesday

President Gee was mugged while crashing his car into a cyclist.

An Indiana student was still crying.

Bigggggg Mike was finally arrested in Iowa after a 2-second foot chase.

With his arrest, Bigggggg Mike's 15 minutes officially ended and his minimum of 15 years with good behavior began.

The student body was both shocked and relieved that Oval snowmen did not possess genitalia.

And the day passed without anyone twisting an ankle on the stone path south of Thompson.

Thursday

University clocks were set at a 50% slower rate before spring break.

A CABS bus got a DUI.

An Indians fan spent a full hour smiling in disbelief at Cleveland's depth chart.

And an Indiana student was still kind of whimpering.

Friday

Winter quarter finally drew to a close.

President Gee failed to call the new tobacco free policy "Nobacco."

And an OSU Mansfield branch student began the long walk home for spring break.

Saturday

Other than our "twinterview" of Evan Ravenel, we took the day off because we are a fake news organization and therefore have no responsibility to do anything.

(You can see Evan's responses to our irresponsible questions on our twitter page.)

For more fake campus news, be sure to follow @TheFakeLantern on Twitter and check out TheFakeLantern.com.

SUNDAY

Ohio State basketball defeated that school up north state.

Michigan State realized that turning A.C. on actually only made it hotter.

A TFL analysis determined that OSU would be a 5 or 4 or 3 or 2 or 1 seed.

An otherwise rational student walked directly into North Commons.

And the Oscar for best picture went to this.

Oscar winner for Best Picture.

Monday

An alarm clock felt bad for going off so early.

An overachieving underachieving engineering major CAD modeled a bong.

OSU Student Wellness began offering free condom assault rifle vodka fireworks.

An unused horse carcass went unnoticed in Morrill kitchen for the 5th straight day.

And Amir Williams was called for a foul while boarding a bus.

Tuesday

Campus squirrels announced, “We’re carnivorous now.”

A Lonely Med Center Express Bus insisted it preferred it that way.

Jim Tressel was selected for the new season of Dancing With The Stars.

And Ohio State found a building it forgot it had.

Wednesday

A required textbook still hadn’t been used.

Ohio State announced its plans for a 5,000 ft. Shoe scoreboard extension.

A dorm room whiteboard received an NC-17 rating.

And the alleged, campus-area fugitive “Bigggggg Mike” turned out to just be “Bigggg Mike,” who is not dangerous.

Thursday

A survey found that 72% of campus Cavs fans were won back by LeBron’s Harlem Shake video.

Ohio State basketball showed michigan how to beat a terrible team on the road.

Initial reports that Thad Matta’s head exploded during the game turned out to be false.

Looking good, JT!

Friday

The weird roommate didn’t know how to play Euchre.

OSU’s political correctness club began its annual protest of March “Madness.”

An elderly student asked 4 consecutive questions during lecture.

And campus sorority littles announced they just like, loved their bigs <333.

Saturday

An RPAC basketball died and went to Jesse Owens South.

michigan’s student newspaper asked, “Is a college degree worth it?”

And the weird roommate left a week early for spring break.

For more fake campus news, be sure to follow @TheFakeLantern on Twitter and check out TheFakeLantern.com.