The Time Traveler: Analysis of Anger

southernstatesbuckeye's picture
June 19, 2013 at 12:56a


Greetings, time liners.  I have popped in to your present to assure you of the future.  It doesn't take a Time Traveler to tell you what's coming.  Just trust it.  I once told Ray, a friend of mine, "If you build it, they will come."  But that was another sport altogether. 

I am here because IT is coming to Ohio State.  Yes, steel yourselves for a host of naysayers throughout the summer and the football year...they will swarm like MAYflies on a warm moist night crying and buzzing about their frenzied claim that we don't belong in a championship game...but I don't need a crystal ball to see a new crystal ball sporting its hot self in Ohio State's Trophy Room.  It is the future.

But how did we get there?

A look back on the year 2013-14 revealed the craftiness of Urban Meyer in applying the science of (HO)2C6H3CH(OH)CH2NHCH3 to the success of the championship run.   Huh?   (HO)2C6H3CH(OH)CH2NHCH3?  Anger.  ANGER!!!  As you can see, its formula is uniquely suited for use at Ohio State...but first, the backstory:

An artful motivational speaker is Urban Meyer, and in discussions with his coaches right now, is tweaking the approach for the fall, I assure you.  We all know that ANGER is a large focus in the 2013 season already dubbed "The Chase". 

Anger.  It is one of the most basic human emotions.  It is a physical and mental response to a threat or to harm done in the past (perceived or real).  Anger takes many different forms...from irritation to lingering resentment to blinding rage that becomes an uncontrollable monster.

And of course, the best (anger) motivation happens when perception is closest to reality.  The pundits really DO doubt that an Ohio State team is ready NOW to take down the mighty SEC.  It really DOES seem like the burden is on OUR shoulders for the recent humbling of the Big Ten (though our record is above reproach in the BCS era).  Other fan bases actually DO mock us for being "arrogant" in our assumption to the throne of college football (as yet, still in our heads, but soon to be remedied). 

So yeah.  This team DOES have valid bulletin board drawing points for their anger.  All true.  But the beauty of THIS anger...and the genius-ness of the mad Dr. found in the nature of the PHYSICAL effects that anger has on the human body.  Let's analyze Anger for a moment:

Many of our emotions are linked to a particular physical response, but Anger just happens to get the mind and body ready for ACTION of some kind.  It arouses the nervous system, increases the heart rate, blood pressure, and blood flow to muscles.  This prepares the muscles for imminent physical combat.  The blood sugar level rises, and perspiration begins. It also sharpens the senses and increases the production of adrenalin (epinephrine) and nonepinephrine...hormones produced in times of anger or stress...and famously known to exponentially increase strength and agility as well.

However, along with these physical changes, anger is thought to affect the way we THINK.  Anger is thought to speed up the synaptic firing sequences in response to the flood of adrenalin, and helps us quickly translate complex information into simple terms: 'right' or 'wrong' for instance (or perhaps cover this guy instead of that guy)...the point is that a quicker translation of decision making factors happens.  This allows a person (like a football player) to appear to react quicker than others (akin to the "game slowing down").  This can be useful in an emergency as we don’t waste valuable time weighing up information that doesn’t affect the moment's core decision.  And useful also, as Urban has discovered, to set up a sort of "controlled anger" mentality, which feeds adrenalin intermittently as needed by the practiced user of said "controlled anger".

In short, Anger allows us to make quicker decisions!

Now I know you say, but wait...doesn't anger make people do STUPID things too?

Yes.  Yes, it does.

We all have vivid memories of some friend, relative, or complete stranger (or shockingly, myself) acting in stupendously stupid stupidity at the moment of anger.  Anger makes you crazy!!  Well, that is until it is harnessed scientifically by the cunning staff at Ohio State to bring about the perfect storm of physical changes in the bodies of their players in a controlled, sustainable way! 

Of course, since this is a "controlled substance", look for the NCAA to ban it soon after the season, Nick Saban to decry its use in fueling the illegal Jet Offense that insidiously puts opponents at a health risk, and half the known universe of Ohio State haters to mock at whatever we do...until the second Rose Bowl.

But seriously, would it surprise you to learn that the diet of our players also addresses foods that aid in the production and use of epinephrine?

But do you know what the coolest feature of epinephrine is?  As demonstrated above, its scientific formula is UNIQUELY Ohio State, for its designation is (HO)2C6H3CH(OH)CH2NHCH3, and any objective fan in the future understands that (OH) and (HO) are simply imprinted mirror codes that can be read from either side of the DNA coil. 

Oh yeah.


The Time Traveler


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Denny's picture

But do you know what the coolest feature of epinephrine is?  As demonstrated above, its scientific formula is UNIQUELY Ohio State, for its designation is (HO)2C6H3CH(OH)CH2NHCH3, and any objective fan in the future understands that (OH) and (HO) are simply imprinted mirror codes that can be read from either side of the DNA coil.

The ordering of the atoms (oxygen and hydrogen) here denote atomic connectivity; the leading HO- shows connectivity of the phenolic hydroxyl groups to the phenyl ring through oxygen (as opposed to through the proton, which would not make sense), whereas the (OH) in the middle of the formula show the hydroxyl group connected to the benzylic carbon through the hydroxyl oxygen.
Also, DNA has nothing to do with epinephrine.


southernstatesbuckeye's picture

Thanks, Denny, for the input.  That last part, like most of the article, is tongue-in-cheek.  And besides, remember that I am from the future, where we have advanced scientific methods which have discovered that OH, as well as IO, is indeed in the DNA.
More tongue in cheek, for what its worth.

I like cookies.

Denny's picture

Oxyiodine is in DNA?
/head asplode


OSUs12-OH's picture

"I want a hungry team. I want a team that can't wait to get out there. I want an angry team! You're the Ohio State Buckeyes. You're an angry football team. You're a hungry football team and I'm proud to be your coach." UFM

harleymanjax's picture

"Because I couldn't go for 3"

southernstatesbuckeye's picture

Um, huh?  Highly intuitive, Ghost!  As a traveler traversing time, I just had your namesake read the article, and he said, "Um, huh?" 
I told him about his future ghost saying the same thing, and he said he was "gonna come up here and beat your ass."
So be prepared.  Just sayin.
(tongue planted firmly against inner cheek, eyebrows raised slightly, peering your way)
Hey, maybe sometime we could do a mock interview with "Woody's ghost", I'm sure it would be entertaining.  Get Eleven Warriors to do a "live blog" in which I ask all the questions, and you have prepared funny answers (we come up with beforehand).
Maybe do it in the dead of summer three or four weeks from kickoff...would be hilarious to script a conversation with Woody about today's Buckeyes, the sports media, etc.
You game?

I like cookies.

pjtobin's picture

That would be cool. I just hope the ghost isn't a troll. (Like it says in the porta Jon behind the varsity club). 
Funny write up. Thanks for helping us kill some time. 

Bury me in my away jersey, with my buckeye blanket. A diehard who died young. Rip dad. 

Michibuck's picture

Thanks, SSSB. Maybe tongue in cheek, but some truth therein.