Fear Sweat or Fat Sweat: The Time Traveler's Take

southernstatesbuckeye's picture
February 27, 2013 at 12:21p
10 Comments

In a relatively  unknown apocalyptic fiction, a fat little man cowers, terrified and trembling before Julian Beliano...the devil himself.  Amused at the large beads of sweat dotting the fat little man's face and soaking up an increasingly larger area of shirt, the devil leans across the mahogany desk and asks the question:

 

"Well, Brimmer, what is it?"

 

"W-what is what, s-sir?"

 

Pointing to the growing spread of wetness between the man's front pant pockets, the devil repeats himself, "What is that?  Right there.  Is that fear sweat or fat sweat?" 

 

We may never know the answer to that question, but on July 31, 2012, Kyle Rowland penned a pretty good article entitled, "A Golden Opportunity".  I took the opportunity on that day to report to you from the future...in the comments section, of course, so as not to draw a lot of attention.  You see, I am a Time Traveler, and I seized those few moments of wrinkled time to assure Buckeye Universe that all would be well, and that there would be smiles aplently by the end of the 2012 season....despite the fact that the view from the pew was that most would be happy with a "decent" year after the implosion of 2011. 

 

From my admittedly unique and decidedly advantageous angle of events, I had to be careful of what I said exactly, so as not to unravel the very fabric of time and space through one reckless disclosure of what was to come.  And certainly, had you good folks been imbibed with full  and unfettered disclosure, multitudes may have turned Vegas on its ear...betting your homes and your children's inheritance and future tuition on some ludicrous chance that Ohio State might be down to the likes of Purdue and need a miraculous last second magic act by a backup quarterback and his banged up offense.

 

No, no...the cosmos very likely would have started that slow and dreaded unraveling, sending that ribbon of change pulsing back into the already precariously positioned beginning of the thinly lined garment of time.  Oh, no...we could not allow such a thing to happen.  I simply could not trust my fellow Buckeye fans with knowledge of such import.

 

Can I trust you now?

 

In that look ahead at last year, our opponents truly learned the difference between fat sweat and fear sweat.  Oh, it's not that we did not sweat it  at times ourselves, especially early on, but thankfully, our sweat was of the fat kind...being seared away as Mariotti molded boys into men.  It was this sweat...our sweat...and our blood...that produced their tears.  And ultimately, they would all cry.  Every last one of them.  They would cry tears of anger.  They would cry tears of frustration, of disbelief, of aggravation and even hate.  And finally, they would all cry tears of realization.

 

And their sweat?  Fear sweat. 

 

And make no mistake.  Sweet flavors, all of them.  And fodder for the game shots of mourning fans tearing up as the clock ticks down on the fading moments of Hope.  And Dantunio and Belemia.  Sweet, emancipating tears.  Let go of the emotion and accept your fate.  From the hard punching UFC fight that was the Michigan State game to the positively precious purloinment of the Purdue sense of occasional pride...Buckeye Universe gaped open-mouthed at the tenacity of a team that simply would not quit.  Even down by nine with mere moments remaining...and nothing to play for to boot, as the announcers would incessantly repeat. 

 

But those are the moments made for memories, are they not?  Memories recounted a thousand times to grandchildren one day, as you too get to play The Time Traveler.  Little Johnny, or Zack, or Braxella will teeter on your bony, misshapen knees, bouncing softly or not so softly, and say, "But gammpaw...tell me again about that Shoe Lace guy and the cereal he choked on...that story was sooooo cool!"  And you will sit back with your mildly adult beverage in one hand, grinning that amiable toothless grin you are so loved for, and savor the memories all over again.  And then, at the last, you will put your drink down, lean in close to the ear of the adorably radiant face of your eventual and beautiful grand child  [ok, go with me here], and with a sparkle in your eye, and in hushed and reverent tones...you will whisper, "Ahh, but honey, let me tell you about the year that came after THAT!"

 

So there it is.  The crux of my comment now, or at the present.  Be prepared for a season that will be seen as the afterburners igniting a new era in college football.  The Buckeye Dominion.  Here in my time, we have a new star cluster named for our achievements in the second decade of the new millennium.  You are at its onset.  Strap in and store up on your liquid fuels.  Here it comes...2014 and Beyond.

 

And so my friends, I must leave you once again with only enough so as the ever-so-transitional time loop is left undisturbed by the introduction of future knowledge into your present.  As we pause here at the end of February 2013 and look back on the year that WAS...2013-14, I must ask you one more time...

 

Can I trust you with this?

 

Or better put, as a dentist once querried my friend, D. Hoffman..."Eez eete safe?"

 

Well...is it?

 

Signed off,  The Time Traveler.

Comments

southernstatesbuckeye's picture

Does it really need  an explanation?

jeremytwoface's picture

This is absolutely brilliant.
Seriously.
Whoever down-voted this thing needs a good talking to.
+100 up-votes my good sir.

The first man gets the ((((Oyster)))), the second man gets the shell.

Nkohl13's picture

But wait. Why is it that telling what would happen last year would unravel the fabric of space and time, but telling us this now wont unravel space and time?

jeremytwoface's picture

Because now he can trust us with this.
 
 
Or something.

The first man gets the ((((Oyster)))), the second man gets the shell.

Doc's picture

As a Dentite myself, I can help all of you from being that toothless future self. Go in to the future with a full set of choppers.  Eet iz safe! ;)

"Say my name."

Lawver_5's picture

If I could upvote this, I would!

southernstatesbuckeye's picture

Wow. I've been slogging my way through time past and returned to find my post, well...literally ignored! Sheesh. I guess too many just don't enjoy what passes for humor here in the future, or maybe they just don't get it?

...^farrttsound^...does that one still work?

...ha! I thought so.

...well, when January 17th comes round next year (that date because it will take that long for most of you to get back to reality after winning another nat...)...wait a minute. I better not quite say that. Danger, Will Robinson!

...@sigh@

...Oh, and what WOULD the odds be if one was to lock in a Vegas bet on not just placing or showing...but that our Bucks win it outright...and GIVING 10 points? Anybody have an idea of the win ratio? Vegas would crap if somebody today slapped $10,000 down on that! Just randomly thinking here...what's the return?
...doesn't matter either way to me...I only have nutbucks anyway (that's what we call currency now).

Sigh. ... ...

Oh, and always...Go Bucks!

Time Traveler

southernstatesbuckeye's picture

Heheh. And don't think I WON'T come back next year and put my finger on that number and show they covered the spread!

Poooof.

texasbuckeye's picture

Fat sweat = Hoke sweat