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Summer Reading: The Most Hated On

Warren G and his murderer floating in the Cocaine Galaxies

Eleven Warriors denizen and infrequent curator of the $10,000 Presidential Parlay DJ Byrnes has published his untold story of Blooming Grove native and 29th US President Warren G. Harding.

The Most Hated On is an 89-year journey into Marion, Ohio's inner sanctum that follows Harding's return to life decades after being fatally poisoned by his wife in San Francisco in 1923. His life is restored - as is frequently the case in resurrections - via divine intervention.

Byrnes doesn't attempt to obscure his portrayal of Harding as a Christ figure. He raises him from the dead, surrounds him with impoverished followers whose wisdom is layered in both complexity and filth and even fits him with a spouse parsed from a parallel Egyptian Coptic by way of the Rust Belt.

The Gospel, as presented in TMHO is pure and celestial - but unlike that of the New Testament - tangible, because it has been delivered in the form of illicit narcotics. The departure from a straight Biblical portrayal begins with how the Word is spread through trafficking and ends with Harding repurposing forgiveness and peace as virtues with vengeance and payback.

Harding's eventual and triumphant return is unlocked by a man named, appropriately, Lazarus, who does so on Kelley's Island, which Ohioans familiar with Put-in-Bay will quickly recognize as Byrnes' Church of the Holy Sepulchre.

Byrnes' character development is rich and powerful, with each unique figure sharing one common element: They're unsavory addicts with hearts of gold (or more likely lead, gold's atomic neighbor, through which divine alchemy by way of the Cocaine Galaxies gives the false promise of salvation).

TMHO is evenly delivered, complete with cliffhanger indicating that Byrnes plans on penning a third testament. It provides all of the edge, entertainment and blasphemy one would expect out of any necropresidential narco-thriller. At a modest 299 pages, it's a fast-paced time-traveling adventure worthy of your summer leisure reading.

Sparty Doesn't Know

First, read this:

Press play. Wait for the music to begin.

 

Read along:

Sparty doesn't know,
That Jim Bollman and me,
Did it in the Shoe every Saturday.

We couldn't block,
And we couldn't throw,
And we couldn't score, and...

Sparty doesn't know, oh.
Sparty doesn't know-oh.
So don't tell Sparty!
Sparty doesn't know,
Sparty doesn't know.
SO DON'T TELL Sparty!

Dantonio says they'll start winning,
But walrusball will have him spinning,

Cause Sparty doesn't know,
Sparty doesn't know,
Sparty doesn't know,
Sparty doesn't know.
So don't tell Sparty.
Sparty doesn't knoooooow....
DON'T TELL SPARTY!

I can't believe Coach D's trusting,
While Jim's right behind him tuskin',

Sparty's got ten yards to go,
so Bollman dials up a throw.
It's a three-man rush,
and they get noth-ing.
NOTHING!!!

Sparty doesn't know,
Sparty doesn't know,
Sparty doesn't know,
Don't tell Sparty.
Cause Sparty doesn't know,
Sparty doesn't knoooooow....
SO DON'T TELL SPARTY!

They'll put on a show, everyone will go.
Sparty doesn't know,
Sparty doesn't know,
Sparty doesn't knoooooow....

The Wiild Wings Bowl, on hold
It's so cool when you get to go
In the fall, in the snow.
Laughing so hard, cuz...

Sparty doesn't know,
Sparty doesn't know.

...he celebrates Ron Zook's birthday.

Sparty doesn't know,
Sparty doesn't know,
Sparty doesn't know,
Sparty doesn't know,
Don't tell Sparty.
Sparty doesn't knoooooow....

Sparty will know,
Sparty has to know,
Sparty gotta know,
Gonna tell Sparty,
Gonna tell them myself.

Sparty has to know,
Sparty has to know,
Sparty has to,
Sparty has to,
Sparty has to go!

Sparty doesn't know,
(Don't tell Sparty)
Sparty doesn't know,
(Don't tell Sparty)
Sparty doesn't know...
Sparty gotta go!

My Review of the Paterno Report

The Paterno Report - a response to the Freeh Report on Penn State's role in the Jerry Sandusky tragedy - was released this morning. It was no surprise; the Paternos made it known that they had commissioned a response to what former FBI director Louis Freeh compiled last year.

It's important to remember a few things about the Freeh report:

1. It was commissioned by Penn State. Freeh's team consisted of former FBI agents and federal prosecutors whom his firm selected.

2. The report was released to Penn State trustees and the general public simultaneously without being reviewed by the Penn State general counsel on July 12, 2012.

3. The report was "deeply critical of the administration of former university president Graham Spanier, athletic director Tim Curley, late coach Joe Paterno and former university vice president Gary Schultz."

I have no appetite to do 3,000 words on this tragedy again. Instead, I've storified tweets from when I read it in real-time. I realize how obnoxious that is. Follow me on Twitter, or don't. That's not really the point of this exercise.

In short: If the Freeh Report was flawed, the Paterno Report took took it to a whole new, sad level.

 

Selling Penn State to Alex Anzalone

Maybe this is the work of a Nittany Lion fan. Perhaps it came from Penn State recruiting. It does appear to be a card fashioned out of the Penn State oval logo and it was re-tweeted by Anzalone himself, originally posted by an account appearing to belong to his older brother.

The authenticity and/or author of the card isn't as important as the validity of the sales pitch:

1. 12 kids per year get accepted to to BS/MBA: True (and Anzalone has shown interest in that academic path)

2. Smeal colleg (sic) of Business = Top 15 B-School. It's actually ranked 20th by USNWR and 22nd by Bloomberg, but that's inconsequential - it's a world-class joint. The late Frank Smeal (yes, the same guy whose name is on the college) was a partner at Goldman-Sachs. Which leads to...

3. B-School = Pipeline to Goldman Sachs. Penn State as well as a couple dozen other schools mostly in the northeast - and mostly Ivy - that Goldman regularly recruits. Former Nittany LB Brandon Short currently works there. Goldman is a rich, proud and tarnished brand these days...sounds a little too famiiliar.

4. Get to play LB at Penn State | Not TE/HBack | We believe in you AS LB. This seems like a strawman shot at Urban Meyer, who already seems to be good to go at TE/HBack and desperately needs linebacker depth. The use of "We" is technically correct in accordance with the We Are chant and shouldn't be confused with a coach. Unless it is one, which we don't know.

5. Penn State = Pipeline to NFL LB's. Sure. Little or no separation from other NFL pipeline schools, but Linebacker U is everything but a registered trademark.

6. Penn State's #1 defensive recruit. Without a doubt.

Sure, it has all the same cheesy markings of an invitation to a sorority barn dance, but that kind of flowery praise resonates with kids. Recruiting is inherently creepy - it's the courting of immature boys by grown men into a 4-5 year mutually beneficial relationship.

It's a nice pitch to Anzalone. This is how you sell a product: Core value proposition, open competitive positioning and minimal negativity. Mike McQueary could learn a thing or two from this noble effort to persuade Pennsylvania's top prep player to stay in-state.

Charity Golf Outing: 11W & Nationwide Childrens

To register or sponsor, visit giving.nationwidechildrens.com.

Eleven Warriors is committed to delivering you fresh Ohio State content while providing a community you can participate in and be proud of on a daily basis.

We're also committed to paying forward, especially around Central Ohio.

The first annual Swing in the Summer Golf Classic benefitting Nationwide Childrens Hospital's Reach Out and Read® Program and Behavioral Health Services will be held on Friday, June 8th.

This charity golf outing will be hosted at New Albany Links Golf Course by Smith & Wollensky, and both registration as well as sponsorship opportunities are now available.

Eleven Warriors is a proud corporate sponsor of this inaugural event and we'd like to encourage our Central Ohio readers to participate in this terrific initiative.

The outing format will be a four-person scramble, and all participants will receive 18 holes of golf, a gift bag, fun golf-related games throughout the event as well as both lunch and dinner.

What exactly is Reach Out and Read®?

This valuable program prepares Central Ohio’s youngest children to succeed in school by partnering with doctors to prescribe books and encourage families to read together. This pediatric literacy program encourages family literacy activities in the home prior to a child entering the school system. The focus is given to families living in poverty.

Since its inception in 1998, Reach Out and Read® has provided over a million new and gently-used books to children and provided services through over 40,000 volunteer hours. Nationwide Children’s Hospital is proud to be among the largest of more than 4,600 Reach Out and Read® Programs in the country.


More information on Reach Out and Read can be found here.

Online registration for the Swing in the Summer charity golf outing can be found here.

 

 

 

 

It's All For You

These are not full-time cute kittens. They have ugly day jobs.

Indulge me while I chime in on the 11W Beg-a-thon, which is now in its final countdown phase.

I've been a Buckeye blogger since 1997. That's before the term blogging was used. Essentially I was providing message board posts, but on a formal schedule, with a perceived level of higher quality and separated from the comments of the general populous. It felt special then; it still feels special now.

Most of my content was created on nights and weekends. Sometimes I slipped in some writing during my day job. At first I felt guilty about it, but over time I found that after I separated my mind from work for a half hour or so to write I would always come away inspired. These little Buckeye vacations actually made me better at my day job.

Victors Valiant was my first formal blogging spot. It was eventually folded into The Wolverine. I've continued to be a contributor to the venerable Bucknuts Media Network for over a decade. I humbly accepted ownership responsibilities at 11W one year ago this month.

That was 52 free columns ago. It doesn't feel right to charge for what is basically our love letters to Ohio State, nor would 11W take any satisfaction in churning out free milquetoast non-stories void of any passion or edge with the hope that your comments and discourse might make them interesting.

Nothing would siphon the romanticism out of our desperate and figurative attempt to stay on campus forever than creating content for the sake of content.

It's extremely unlikely that I'll ever be a full-time writer. I get asked this all the time. I actually believe that staying part-time all of these years has made me a better writer because it's allowed me to gain extra exposure to elements of business, culture, society, the world and people that a full-time writing position may have insulated me from experiencing. I'm grateful for the inconvenience of my day job.

The same goes for every part-timer here who does, has and will ever grace 11W's pages. Being part time gives us flexibility and freedom. We raise money for the Stefanie Spielman fund. We grow mustaches with you to raise awareness around prostate cancer. We give back. We pay forward.

That's how we reward ourselves. Those are the perks of being part-timers: We do other stuff for money.

This is how it feels to pour our hearts out for you every day.

Our part-time commitment to 11W (some have condescendingly called us "hobbyists") is one of the biggest reasons why 11W's popularity has exploded: The writing is richer. The content is upgraded by our balance between obsession and TPS reports, or whatever the hell you want to imagine we do during daylight.

Eleven Warriors has gained this traction in the blogosphere and built this base that you're a part of without the benefit of a beat writer, and that is the drawback of being hobbyists. The beat does not stop for our day jobs. It requires full-time attention; attention that none of us have the bandwidth to provide.

A full-time position, among other requirements, necessitates either a trust fund/lottery winner/retiree with free time, or what we've decided to do provide: A regular paycheck. That's where the Beg-a-thon was born.

Truth be told, 11W traffic is flourishing at a rate that a full-time beat writer should be an affordable reality right around the time the Buckeyes are beginning their first bowl-eligible campaign under Urban Meyer. We just don't think you or the rest of this audience should have to wait that long.

We also don't believe in plastering the site with ads or turning 11W into the hood of a stock car, nor do we want your money every month. We're hoping this Beg-a-Thon is the only Beg-a-Thon. It eliminates the gap between 11W's beat writer inevitability and, well, now.

Your contributions, your steady addiction to our t-shirts plus what the site ads churn already in addition to the companies that have noticed 11W's popularity and have approached us about promoting their brands to you should make next year a reality for this year.

A full-time beat writer effectively completes the 11W value proposition. We hobbyists continue to do the thing that made 11W the destination that it has become while site coverage of your favorite team only becomes more robust with a professional 11W scribe who goes wherever the Buckeyes go.

There are only a few days left (we're not into begging, let alone begging forever). You can donate here, as many times as you'd like.

From the bottom of our hearts: Thanks. We'll pay you back in the only way we know how.

Inspiration is Contagious

Pay ForwardA charity will get $100K. It should be Coach Matta's. Go vote.

A Buckeye victory of any kind of among your life's greatest pleasures. The only way that sweetness could be improved would be to tie it directly into benefitting the greater good.

The good people at Infiniti have partnered with the NCAA and ESPN to make that a reality.

Starting last week, several college basketball coaches - including that guy who has had the Buckeyes operating on a championship level since he arrived - are competing to raise the most money for their chosen charities.

As with March Madness, there are four regions. Ohio State - along with B1G rivals Michigan, Indiana, Purdue, Wisconsin and Michigan State - are in the Midwest region. Each coach is playing for his favorite charity.

Matta's is the Ronald McDonald House, whose stated mission is to create, find and support programs that directly improve the health and well being of children across the world.

It serves a noble purpose. You can help empower that mission.

Visit the Coaches' Challenge and vote for Coach Matta every day through February 27. The four region winners will then enter the Final Four, which runs through March 8, and the winning coach/charity will be announced March 9.

Matta is currently second in the Midwest region, right behind John Beilein at Michigan. You know what to do.

Every charity will receive $5000. The winning charity gets $100,000.

A Buckeye victory of any kind of among your life's greatest pleasures. Vote for Thad and the Ronald McDonald House today and help improve and save the lives of others.

RIP, Joe Bodolai

Joe Bodolai (1949 - 2011)

Former SNL writer and television producer Joe Bodolai is dead of what appears to be a suicide. He was 63 years old.

He was a very witty and droll guy (his "headline" following the Casey Anthony verdict was about Florida's landmark decision to legalize post-birth abortions) and even in his common prose was unable to keep the sarcasm and wit from flowing. That is often the case with people who are funny for a living.

Comedy is often borne out of pain. While it's hard to pinpoint what it was that drove him to take his own life, there are a few things about Bodolai that we do know: He was a Cleveland sports fan, and he loved the Browns and the Indians. That in and of itself is the best kind of pain for a comedy writer: The tortuous, self-loathing and occasionally funny kind.

Bodolai was also a Buckeye fan and an 11W commenter and contributor, who was quite vocal throughout the Tatgate scandal about putting what was happening in Ohio State into the proper context with what was being perpetuated outside of Columbus.

He left what now obviously looks like a suicide note and leaves behind two sons.

RIP, Joe.

JB Shugarts is the 39% #OCCUPYSCRIMMAGE

You've thought it, said it and heard it for the past three years: JB Shugarts has to have at least 50 false start penalties in his career. BUT DOES HE REALLY?

Shugarts' false starts have become so routine they're practically expected in each game. However, in honor of Bruce Hooley's agonizing difficulty in differentiating between tongue-in-cheek and literal statistics (he might still be trying to mathematically parse 11W's stated "99.7%" probability of Urban Meyer coaching Ohio State) we've decided to get literal with JB FalseStarts as he heads into his final regular season game.

Shugarts didn't become a full-time starter as a sophomore, so we didn't bother including his freshman year. The numbers are below. Ohio State has accumulated 59 false start penalties over the past 37 games (yay coaching!) of which #76 has put his name on 23 of them, or 39% of the total: [Ed. The Michigan and Florida numbers were added post-publication]

GAME SHUGARTS TEAM
Navy (2009) 0 3
USC (2009) 1 3
Toledo (2009) 1 2
Illinois (2009) 1 1
Indiana (2009) 1 1
Wisconsin (2009) 0 1
Purdue (2009) 0 3
Minnesota (2009) 1 1
New Mexico State (2009) 0 2
Penn State (2009) 1 1
Iowa (2009) 0 1
Michigan (2009) 0 1
Oregon (2010) 1 2
     
Marshall (2010) 1 3
Miami (2010) 0 0
Ohio (2010) 2 3
Easern Michigan (2010) 0 0
Illinois (2010) 1 1
Indiana (2010) 1 2
Wisconsin (2010) 0 0
Purdue (2010) 0 2
Penn State (2010) 1 3
Iowa (2010) 2 3
Michigan (2010) 0 0
Arkansas (2011) 1 1
     
Akron (2011) 0 1
Toledo (2011) 1 1
Miami (2011) 0 2
Colorado (2011) 1 2
Michigan State (2011) 1 3
Nebraska (2011) 2 3
Illinois (2011) 0 3
Wisconsin (2011) 1 1
Indiana (2011) 0 0
Purdue (2011) 0 2
Penn State (2011) 1 1
Michigan (2011) 0 1
Florida (2012) 2 2
TOTAL 25 62

It only seems like Shuggy Bear jumps early in every game. He only gets twitchy in most games, not all of them.

So if you're the type to get literal with your frustration, now you have the statistics. Great news for Saturday: Shugarts has never false-started against two Big Ten teams: Purdue and Michigan.

GOLD PANTS PARTY

The Gold Pants Club is holding its annual Gold Pants Party on Saturday, November 26 at the Park Street Patio in Columbus.

Come join former Buckeyes Craig Krenzel, Dan Wilkinson, Matt Finkes, Dee Miller,  Bob Hoying, John Hicks, Jim Karsatos and many more to watch Ohio State try for its fourth straight win in Ann Arbor.  Arrive early and your $20 entry ticket will get you unlimited draft beer and reduced-price appetizers.

Cheer the Buckeyes on and enter the raffle to win a cruise for two on the Buckeye Cruise for Cancer benefitting the Stephanie Speilman Fund for Breast Cancer Research at the James Cancer Center

The winner will win an oceanview room for two with all meals and much more included. There will also be a one-of-a-kind cycling jersey signed by Jim Tressel, Chris Speilman, Archie Griffin and Craig Krenzel aong with many other prizes.  You can buy ticket online right now or at the door on 11/26.

We will also have a live auction at half time with a Luke Fickell-signed football, a helmet signed by both Mike Vrabel and Matt Finkes, a Green Bay Packers football signed by the three Buckeyes currently on the Packers, an AJ Hawk-autographed Packers jersey and some exculsive signed Gold Pants framed pictures.

Please come join the Gold Pants Foundation in raising money for endowed scholarships to the Ohio State University.

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