Michigan and the Ten Year Butt Hurt

painterlad's picture
November 20, 2012 at 7:15p
18 Comments

Michigan fans, it would seem, are obsessed. Under normal circumstances they obsess with things such as wide-spread crime, nasty weather and if anyone really cares about that antiquated first cousin rule. But during the first decade of the brand new century Michigan fans quit paying attention to union strikes and the cute girl across the Thanksgiving table and began to pay attention once more to that pesky team from Ohio.

Who can blame them for having lost interest? During the 90s Michigan simply had to run out on the field to beat NFL loaded Buckeye teams. Time and time again the Wolverines just waited for Ohio State to implode and then took advantage of the situation. Congratulations to them.

But now, during the 00s, there was a new sheriff in town and this lawman bought his clothes at Nerds R Us. Jim Tressel, in ten short years, undid decades of pompous arrogance afforded the Michigan fan due to wins established prior to WWI. In ten years the Cooper era was a distant blur in their broken down Ford Taurus’s rear view mirrors and suddenly they had come to understand that Northwestern had a better winning percentage against Tressel than they did.

At first they shrugged; John Cooper’s 2-10-1 record in The Game afforded them that luxury. But then the loses began to mount. Soon it was three. Then four. Then nine. “How can this be,” they shrieked. “How can the best program in history go down year after year after year? How?” Then they received their answer.
Jim Tressel is a dirty rotten cheater.

He covered up the trinkets-for-tats scandal. He lied to his bosses, he lied to the NCAA and he knowingly- knowingly! - played ineligible players. Why, he was Adolf Hitler and Tanya Harding rolled into one neat little package.

And thus ten years of butt hurt was instantly explained away.

“That’s how,” they mused bitterly over a cold Pabst Blue Ribbon at the last Detroit bar not riddled with bullet holes. “That’s how he beat us…he cheated!”

“It all makes sense now,” added others. “The critical first downs, the stellar defenses, the better game plans, the better athletes…it was all due to cheating.”

And with one fell swoop the decade of shame and open weeping was replaced with anger and accusation. With the snap of a fat greasy finger the Michigan fan base was pardoned from the utter inability to beat a Tressel-led Ohio State. Wiped clean were the memories of close games they might have won, close games they should have won and the few blow outs in which they had no chance.

“Except for the Fab Five, anyone can win titles if they cheat,” they say.

It is the work of a delusional mind that allows such answers to round out their equations. It is the same delusion which allows the Notre Dame fan to think they have been relevant for the last 25 years or for the Florida fan to think that football history only goes back to 1996. It gets them through the night, it brings a peace that could never be found out on the football field.

They got what they wanted. They got Tressel removed. But in doing so they now have a bitter rival who has hired a coach that doesn’t understand compassion or mercy or calling off the offensive dogs while sitting on a 14 point half time lead. They now have to face a head coach who will show them the folly of getting what you wish for.

Comments

d.bradfordii's picture

Great points - great post!

DEB II

BuckeyeinAnnArbor's picture

Are you by chance under the age of 22?

painterlad's picture

"Not even close, bud!" That reference should give you a hint as to my age.

To err is human. Really sucking requires having yellow stripes on your helmet.

Buckeyevstheworld's picture

So true. The funny thing is if JT had told the NCAA about everything, the players would have been back in time to beat the piss out of their team.

Wait, when did Tanya Harding get on Hitler's level? lol

"YOLO" = I'm about to do something extremely ignorant/stupid & I need an excuse to do it.

Doc's picture

Damn it Painterlad!  I'm so fired up right now I could spit nails and shit shingles.  Saturday can not get here fast enough!  Great post.  You are one funny dude.

"Say my name."

painterlad's picture

Being a doc, you should know the condition you described above indicates you should seek immediate medical attention.

To err is human. Really sucking requires having yellow stripes on your helmet.

Boom777's picture

Hilarious!!!

Wherever you are, there you be!

BuckeyeinAnnArbor's picture

As a middle-aged man, you may want to refrain from using the word "butthurt."

painterlad's picture

Why is that?

To err is human. Really sucking requires having yellow stripes on your helmet.

cajunbuckeye's picture

Painterlad, I could only upvote you twice. That is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. Well played!!!

An angry fan...rooting for an angry team...led by angry coaches

billy04's picture

I couldn't make it past the first paragraph. 

theDuke's picture

hmmmm... "buckeye in ann arbor". If that's not an oxymoron then i don't know one. as a troll, you may want to stop visiting this site. 
 
Painterlad, I for one enjoy posts riddled with humor, exageration and most of all, Truth. Slow clap for you, Sir.

theDuke

Alhan's picture

I believe Buckeyeinannarbor's account has been hijacked by his scUM roommate before. If it is happening again, he really needs to lock that crap down!

You can kill a fly with your slipper or a cannon. Either way, the fly dies. -Ramzy

GoBucks713's picture

Fantastic stuff Painter. 

-The Aristocrats!

3technique's picture

Nice read. I had this argument with a MIchigan fan once about the first 20 years or so not counting. I mean, TOSU was not elite back then. I still have nightmares about the Cooper era and hearing that horrible fight song. It was made worse by my usual saturday morning hangover. The 00s brought soberity, and JT.. I think Meyer will be just as dominant.. Is it saturday yet?

sb97's picture

The 90s never happened and no one can convince me otherwise :)

BED's picture

The Ohio State University, College of Arts & Sciences, Class of 2006
The Ohio State University Moritz College of Law, Class of 2009