Urban Meyer Will Retire Nick Saban

D.J. Byrnes's picture
April 17, 2013 at 4:50p

Nick Saban is the typical tinpot dictator who presides over indentured 18-22 year-olds at football programs around America. We saw what happened when he made the moves to the pros, where he didn't enjoy the same competitive advantages he had in the collegiate ranks, and was required to coach fairly-compensated men.

Last October, however, Saban nearly broke the irony meter when he took to the media to whine about the direction of football in the 21st century:

"I think that the way people are going no-huddle right now, that at some point in time, we should look at how fast we allow the game to go in terms of player safety...

... I just think there's got to be some sense of fairness in terms of asking is this what we want football to be?"

Yes, that's Nick Saban, a man who has wrenched and bent nearly every rule of the land in attempts to glean a competitive advantage, unironically appealing to fairness and "player safety." This all came before Johnny Manziel threw for 250 yards, two touchdowns and ran for 90 more yards and another score in Texas A&M's no-huddled victory over Alabama at Bryant-Denny Stadium. I assume the loss at the hands of a redshirt freshman did little to alter Saban's worldviews.

The cool thing about the space-time continuum is that it only goes forward. Eventually, despite whatever Alabamians tell you about the six thousand-year history of Earth, Nick Saban will be nothing but dust in the wind. 

Urban Meyer will be the one to push Nick Saban into his coaching grave, and the first blow against Saban's reign of terror will come this January when the Buckeyes and Crimson Tide meet to decide the 2013 BCS National Title.

Some people claim that it's the SEC which has dominated college football ranks for the better part of the last decade, but really, it's just two coaches: Nick Saban (4) and Urban Meyer (2). Yes, LSU won one because Brian Robiskie dropped an open touchdown pass and Ohio State started a quarterback named "Todd". Eugene T. Chizik won another by riding Cam Newton like he was a prize-winning horse, but Saban and Meyer were the ones who laid the foundation to the SEC's post-millennial trophy case.

Haters and other degenerates will say, "Urban Meyer is nothing without Tim Tebow," and they will do this by ignoring the fact Urban Meyer has been made a winner out of every program that has had the sense to hire him.

Looking ahead to Ohio State's 2013 schedule, I'm having a hard time seeing where anybody is hanging a loss on the Buckeyes; Michigan State is off the schedule, and Penn State and Wisconsin are both at home. Brady Hoke has never won a conference title, so I doubt his pathetic team will be in position to do anything significant on the last Saturday in November.

In other words, the Buckeyes are literally their biggest obstacles to appearing in the 2013 national title game. 

It is my hope that an SEC member will be the opponent, and if I am allowed to get greedy, I hope it is Alabama, the winner of three of the last four BCS titles. Whether it's Cam Newton, Johnny Manziel, or (hopefully!) Braxton Miller, Alabama has persistently struggled to contain mobile quarterbacks... the ones who make the No-Huddle so tough to game-plan for.

Offensive innovation is the future of football. Nick Saban knows it, and that's why he gnashes his teeth at it like an over-the-hill executive does to a younger, hungrier challenger. Time and Change is coming for ol' Nick Saban, and he can feel the ice cracking under his toddler-sized boots.

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