The Spring Game Sucks

D.J. Byrnes's picture
April 18, 2013 at 3:48p

There are those who look at things the way they are, and ask why... I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?

  - Robert F. Kennedy

When I look at the Spring Game, this RFK quote is what comes the rum-saturated sponge that masquerades as my mind. (I'm a lot like Robert Kennedy in that we're both privileged white guys, and my naïve worldviews will one day lead to a crazed gunman putting me out of my misery.)

I'm pretty sure the only thing that has come out of Spring Games since the first year of George W. Bush's first Presidential term is low-hanging jokes involving the lack of regular season production from the game's MVP. This year, I didn't even bother watching the annual scrimmage because I'll be damned if I watch football involving Paul Brown Stadium that doesn't involve the almighty Cleveland Browns.

Ohio State fans have interest in the Spring Game in the same way a man would have in the last drop of water in a cantine before wondering into an open desert for the next four months. (Sure, there is the glorious NBA play-offs, but I recognize my opinions on this matter put me in the minority, and unless you're over 65 year-old white guy, please don't pretend baseball is relevant.)

So seeing this, why not spruce up the only hit of football us fiends will have for the next four months?

Coincidentally, I have an original thought to fix this. (NOTE: When I say "original thought", I mean "an idea I cribbed from a tweet by 11W's Michael Citro.") Why not allow soccer-styled "friendlies" between programs, if that's so what they choose?

Would fans have more interest in the Spring Game as currently constructed, or if the Spring Game involved Ohio State and Notre Dame's excuse of a football team?

For all I care, these games could include no kicking-off, fair-catching of all punts, and coaches putting flag football belts on their quarterbacks. Wouldn't coaches rather trot out their prophesied first-team lineups against another high-caliber program rather than another intrasquad scrimmage? Wouldn't a friendly against another program give more of a game-like experience, thus making it better to judge the talent you have on hand?

I realize tinkering with college football, even using typed words on the internet as a tool, will cause some people to throw their hands up in disgust with me, but tell me how an intrasquad scrimmage is better than friendlies against other high-caliber teams? Like nobody here would make the trip to South Bend, Indiana, to enjoy spring weather by guzzling canned beer and talking trash to Irish fans?

Hell, that might even more fun than drinking beer outside on an 86 degree August day with 90% humidity in Columbus before Ohio State rips open the Buffalo Bulls, as they're scheduled to do later this year ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

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