Fellow Buckeyes, the ballad is a classic poetic form that has long been used to glorify heroic events and people. It's therefore perfectly appropriate to dedicate a ballad to Kenny Guiton. It seems as though Braxton is taking back the reins this week, but Urban certainly can't ignore that he has plenty of options for his offense.
So raise your glass and sway to beat of the musicians in the corner. It's time to celebrate with...
The Ballad of Kenny Guiton
When Miller's knee was twisted,
Buckeye fans let out a shout.
His junior year was paused--
The perfect season was in doubt.
Before the Cal game, everyone
Saw Braxton wouldn't dress.
The Fox Sports commentators asked,
"Can Urban stand the stress?"
The good guys--so polite--deferred
And won an early stop.
Our offense took the field;
The Berkeley bubble soon was popped.
When Kenny Guiton took the field,
The Golden Bears were dreaming:
Their slumber filled with upset hopes,
Their sideline coaches beaming.
The cheers were overwhelming,
But you may have heard the plinking
Of slim fingers on piano
And a soloist who's winking.
The smooth jazz started blaring--
Ninety yards downfield to Smith.
A minute later, Guiton sliced
The Cal D with a scythe.
Our Guiton knows that mercy
Is a sign of disrespect.
He made it twenty-one to zip...
The Cal morale was wrecked.
The defense gave the Bears some points
To keep the game exciting
And let them play a fake punt truck
To keep their offense fighting.
An early onside kick? Nice try.
A Buckeye grabbed the ball.
Poor Jared Goff tried valiantly
To move faster than a crawl.
The game was done and overwith
By the end of the first quarter.
The Heisman Watch was altered
In the minds of most reporters.
Now, Kenny Guiton could have started
At any other school,
But Pryor, Bauserman
And Braxton made our coaches drool.
So Kenny Guiton had his pick,
But knew where he should go.
His heart? It shouted, "O-H!"
And he answered with, "I-O!"