The Football Nerds: Ranked *Edited to meet popular demand

BuckeyeAtHeart22's picture
September 17, 2013 at 9:39a

1) Northwestern

Ranked at 22 by USA Today, the Wildcats are undefeated and probably will remain so until they play Ohio State.  Their nerds are super nerdy:

    This is not English.  It might even be a dead language.  I have no idea, but I know that 98% of the people in that pic know.

 It's an away game at home.  Everybody is busily studying for that one quiz in that one intro history class and can't make it to the game.

 Zooey is like an 8 or so.  She went there.

Tuition is $45,500 this year

Ranked #12 school, public or private



But the real reason they are #1 in the Nerd football rankings are these helmets:


2) Stanford

Also undefeated and ranked 4th nationally.  But in the nerd ranking they are behind Northwestern because they are not as cool; however, they can still be pretty hilarious.

They always have a good pro-style QB and running attack. They are the one top-10 team that I have not seen play yet.

  They are proud to be nerds, which is an important trait in these rankings



 The black kid really stands out. Cuz he is the only one watching the game!  Tsk tsk mental racism

 DAYUMM!! sexiest campus in the USA

However, there are no sexy girls.  Deduct 300 points.  Plus even if one showed up, Tiger would snag her SOOO fast.

$44,000 tuition this year

#5 ranked school public or private

The tree is cool, but Northwestern has a better, more tangible mascot and much hotter women.



They usualy suck at football, so until they prove otherwise they are 3rd in the rankings.  But they are in the top 3 for these reasons:



There are WAY hotter UCLA girls but all those pictures were for modeling and completely NSFW

And most of the guys there are nerds!  These girls must chase celebrities being in LA and all but WOW I should have gone to UCLA.

3rd best public school

$40,000 tuition this year

Awesome uniforms


4) USC

Their coach is easily the stupidest person within a 50 mile radius of that campus.

5) BYU

The most boring place on earth since 1892.


6) Cal

We just scored 3 touchdowns in 6 minutes on their defense with our second string QB making his first career start.  Enough said.

Goff looks like he is 16 years old.

The athletes at the school are frequently confused during games due to their state of utter inebriation (aka they're f*cking high)

A student was quoted as saying "It's football season already?  It was July, like yesterday..." just 3 days ago.

1) All of them got rejected by UCLA

2) None of them know where they are, or what day it is.  Pulling a 98% in physics, though.



This is nice, but remember the palace grounds that are the Stanford campus?  These schools are like 40 minutes apart, so wtf?

    *Just a Stanford reminder.  For comparison purposes.*

^This is just Stanford.  Wanted to visually show that Berkeley is a little brother^


Tuition is a paltry $26,000 this year.  That might get you an advisor and half of a twin bed at UCLA.

Guess what Berkeley?  Boulder and Denver etc..., CO, and Seattle and Olympia etc..., WA beat you to having legal weed.  And you try SO hard.

Oppenheimer, the spearhead of the project inventing the DESTRUCTION OF MAN, both went to and taught at Cal.


   Golly, Thanks Berkeley! That thing sure is swell !



HAHAHAHAHAHAHA lol lmfao HAHAHAHAHA this was 3000 miles from Ohio! This wasn't Bloomington!


Between the stoners, hippies, trickle-down cheerleaders, LSD, Molly, shrooms, AMT, DXM, MDA, speed, heroin, Oxycontin, 2cB-Dragonfly, LSA, brownies, Xanax, Klonopin, Valium, alcohol, DMT, MDE, methylphenidate, adderall, Dexosyn, Neurontin, Seroquel, codeine, opium, morphine, Vicodin, Percocet, Amanitas mushrooms, poppy tea, barbiturates, Concerta, Dilaudid, oxymorphone, and tobacco it's hard to do well in the REALLY REALLY REALLY hard classes.

Cal is the cumulative little brother of Stanford for academics and campus, UCLA for women and also the campus, USC for everything that has to do with college, San Diego State for campus location and women.  At least Cal is better than Fresno State; but is Michigan State not perrenially better than Directional Michigan? It's not a huge accomplishment.

Cal= incredibly hard school, and if you don't drop out or overdose you're gonna be rich. 4-8 years of hell.


I have no idea why I made this.  Not really sure if you can even comment on this, so don't worry about it.

Comments Show All Comments

Earle's picture

No Cal?
I'm also disqualifying Stanford on the basis that they couldn't figure out how many guys they needed to spell "NERDS!" (see extra shirtless guy at right).

Snarkies gonna snark. 

Oyster's picture

See, that is where their true Nerdiness shines though.  That guy is actually the alternate in case something happens to one of the starting NERDS!   

"Scrolling hurts my finger"

(and FitzBuck was clearly the winner)

Earle's picture

Ah yes, the Cardinal rule of nerd-dom:  Always have a spare nerd.

Snarkies gonna snark. 

Oyster's picture

I'm surprised you didn't know that...

"Scrolling hurts my finger"

(and FitzBuck was clearly the winner)

Earle's picture

Believe me, where I went to school we always had nerds aplenty.  Plus, I thought the Cardinal pun would get more of a reaction.  I guess I should've said they grow nerds on trees out there.


Snarkies gonna snark. 

Oyster's picture

You probably typed your pun too quickly.  It's been my experience that many on here are slow readers...
(I also got you that bump, since you were wanting one from a post below.  Thank me later.)

"Scrolling hurts my finger"

(and FitzBuck was clearly the winner)

yrro's picture

I was going to say he was the null terminator on the string. Don't want to overflow into the cheerleaders.

Earle's picture

The reason I keep bumping this thread has nothing to do with the UCLA cheerleaders.  Really.

Snarkies gonna snark. 

AirForceNUT's picture

I'm now a UCLA fan.

One Bad Buckeye's picture

No, no...his chest hair and belly button for another exclamation point.  

"I'm One Bad Buckeye, and I approve this message."

NoVA Buckeye's picture

You wouldn't guess that Zooey was a Northwestern alum after watching the first season of New Girl

The offseason begins when your season ends. Even then there are no days off.

Squirrel Master's picture

First of all, Zooey is a 10 just because she is hot and a nerdy nextdoor type. The dorkier she gets, the hotter she gets.
and lastly, Is UCLA a nerdy school? I would have thought Syracuse would have been on the list over UCLA. Calling UCLA a nerd school and then showing hot cheerleaders is like calling Miami a clean, drug free program.

I saw a UFO told me to have a goodyear!

Earle's picture


Snarkies gonna snark. 

BuckeyeAtHeart22's picture

Man it's hard to explain, but I think UCLA is as close to a Utopian society as you can legitimately get.  All the guys are math nerds, all the girls are crazy sexy, and everybody is smart.  It's warm, they still party, and it's been a top 5 USA Today public school 12 YEARS in a row.

73buckeye's picture

Now I see why Meechy had such a hard time deciding. I still think he chose wisely.


Unky Buck's picture

Zooey is a 10 just because she is hot and a nerdy nextdoor type. The dorkier she gets, the hotter she gets.

Yes and yes

Rock over London; Rock on Chicago. Timex: It takes a lickin' but keeps on tickin'

BuckeyeAtHeart22's picture

I think i totally nailed that Cal analysis lol.

cplunk's picture

Stanford's campus is nice, but nobody beats Pepperdine

ODEEZ330's picture

This is great thx

stark county football

shortbus20's picture

It is to bad Steensen isn't around anymore, I am sure he would have loved all these pretty scantily clad girls!!!  LOl

  • shortbus20
BrewstersMillions's picture

Come on dudes. Chill out. The guy voiced his opinion, was lambasted for it, doesn't comment here anymore and people still can't stop talking about it.