Eleven Warriors

Eleven Warriors denizen and infrequent curator of the $10,000 Presidential Parlay DJ Byrnes has published his untold story of Blooming Grove native and 29th US President Warren G. Harding.

The Most Hated On is an 89-year journey into Marion, Ohio's inner sanctum that follows Harding's return to life decades after being fatally poisoned by his wife in San Francisco in 1923. His life is restored - as is frequently the case in resurrections - via divine intervention.

Byrnes doesn't attempt to obscure his portrayal of Harding as a Christ figure. He raises him from the dead, surrounds him with impoverished followers whose wisdom is layered in both complexity and filth and even fits him with a spouse parsed from a parallel Egyptian Coptic by way of the Rust Belt.

The Gospel, as presented in TMHO is pure and celestial - but unlike that of the New Testament - tangible, because it has been delivered in the form of illicit narcotics. The departure from a straight Biblical portrayal begins with how the Word is spread through trafficking and ends with Harding repurposing forgiveness and peace as virtues with vengeance and payback.

Harding's eventual and triumphant return is unlocked by a man named, appropriately, Lazarus, who does so on Kelley's Island, which Ohioans familiar with Put-in-Bay will quickly recognize as Byrnes' Church of the Holy Sepulchre.

Byrnes' character development is rich and powerful, with each unique figure sharing one common element: They're unsavory addicts with hearts of gold (or more likely lead, gold's atomic neighbor, through which divine alchemy by way of the Cocaine Galaxies gives the false promise of salvation).

TMHO is evenly delivered, complete with cliffhanger indicating that Byrnes plans on penning a third testament. It provides all of the edge, entertainment and blasphemy one would expect out of any necropresidential narco-thriller. At a modest 299 pages, it's a fast-paced time-traveling adventure worthy of your summer leisure reading.

Good Evening Buckeye Fans.  I know we're all enjoying 11W's own Johnny Ginter's Big Ten State Ranking list of... whatever it is state's have official things of.  It's nice to know Ohio is first in official state birds, state flowers, and state mottos.  There's all sorts of state insignia lists to rank; everything from bats to beverages.

Fun fact: In 2001 Pennsylvania became the only B1G state to adpot an official state toy.  Yep, in 2001 Penn State's commonwealth was busy adopting the Slinky as it's state toy.  I hear they did other stuff back in 2001, but I leave it to the reader to make tasteless attempts at humor.

Inspiration nudged me to rank the official state beverages until I found out that most states, such as Michigan, didn't participate.  Those that did typically cherish cow milk, which is the key non-alcoholic ingredient in The Dude's favorite elixir.  Although Ohio does get the uniqueness award as we choose Tomato Juice... anyone for a bloody mary?

Without any official state lists, I will divert this essay to the college football's most adorned potion: BEER! Whether you're a starving student (Natty Lite in a can), the working class (Natty Lite in a cup), or very well off (Natty Lite and caviar) you've likely overindulged at a football game. Let's Explore The B1G's Beer Consumption Rankings.

Apparently, there's a Beer Institute, and they take the time to measure consumption in gallons per person per year.  By no surprise Utah bottomed out the list at #50 with a paltry 19.2 gallons per person per year.  While non-B1G New Hampshire leads the union with 43 gallons per person per year.  Do the math, that's nearly a pint a day per person, every damn day.  Considering their state motto is "Live Free or Die Hard," they apparently do both.

BIG TEN STATE BEER CONSUMPTION RANKINGS

#1 - Wisconsin - 36.2 gallons per person per year (6th in nation)
It had to be Wisconsin, it all makes sense.  This explains the spitting.  This also explains why their former head coach incessantly whined when losing recruits and gained 10 pounds for every year of tenure.  So how's this for official rankings: 1st in beer, 2nd in Rose Bowls, 3rd in the Bg Ten Leader's Division.

#2 - Nebraska - 34.6 gallons per person per year (9th in nation)
Nebraksa tried to win these rankings, but then realized they haven't won a conference title since the 90's.  Rather than try, why not give up 70 points in a conference title game and offer a defense so porous it created 90% of Braxton's highlight.
Nebraska, you try hard, but you're an 'almost.'  You almost win conferences, almost win bowl games, almost recruit, almost relevant... get the idea?

#3 - Iowa - 33.7 gallons per person per year (13th in nation)
Why drink in Iowa City?  I have no idea.  Is it because Kirk Ferentz nets $4,000,000 per year for the next six years?  Is it because his buyout is so prohibitively expensive that terminating him would make him the 16th highest paid coach in college football for not coaching?  Yeah, it's probably that.

  :)

#4 - Ohio - 30.6 Gallons per Buckeye (21st in nation)
Ok, Admit it.  You thought when you clicked this, Ohio would be #1.  Perhaps you and stats disagree?  Perhaps we have a lot to celebrate, but are last in B1G disappointments.
Our Head Coach is Urban Meyer, our Offensive Coordinator is not Jim Bollman, and National Titles await. You can't win at everything; a measly national title will suffice.
If it makes you feel better we're one ahead of Alabama in the national rankings, but GERMAN VILLAGE IS ANGRY! 

#5 - Pennsylvania - 29.1 gallons per person per year (27th in nation)
Drink up Lions, there's much to forget.

#6 - Illinois - 28.9 gallons per person per year (28th in nation)
Illinois, be happy.  For once you're not last, but you'll never celebrate again.
What does Illinois' last Football Title, the transistor, and the Korean War have in common? 1951.

#7 - Minnesota - 27.7 gallons per person per year (33rd in nation)
Minnesota, you're like celery: bland, insipid, devoid of zest.  You're in the bottom half where you shall remain forever, bereft of life, happiness, and quality wins.

#8 - TSUN - 26.9 gallons per person per year (36th in nation)
You're supposed to be our rival.  Your state has a great duality with a tradition rich in winning (Michigan) & failure (Rich Rod, Michigan State).
Ann Arbor: Drink because Hoke has you on the brink of relevancy.  Drink because Rich Rod is 3 time zones away.  Drink because Ohio State has Urban Meyer.
East Lansing: Without you, Michigan wouldn't have a rivalry it could actually win.

Michigan, Is this the best your can do?  You'd be dead last if it weren't for...

#9 - Indiana - 26.1 gallons per person per year (39th in nation)
Last place?!?  Unlike sports, drinking involves no talent whatsoever.  How can a state be devoid in both talent and the lack thereof?
Bobby Knight isn't happy.
Unfortunately, Jim Delaney lent you a helping hand.   Your days of bottom feeding are numbered because...

#10 & 11 - Maryland & New Jersey - 23.3 & 22.3 gallons per person per year (46th & 47th in nation)
Pathetic.

The two worst Ohio State football coaches in the last 60+ years were Earle Bruce and John Cooper. To be fair, Ohio State has only had five head coaches since Woody arrived in 1951 (not including interim coach, Luke Fickell) and the other two on the list are Jim Tressel and Urban Meyer. Earle and Coop were both fine coaches, but on a list as illustrious as HC at Ohio State, a few names inevitably have to occupy the lower spots on the totem pole. IMO, the coach on the bottom rung is Earle, not Coop.

The opposing argument - Earle over Coop - which I'll try to refute, is usually based on comparing raw numbers:

Earle Bruce: 0.755 win percentage; 5-4 v. Michigan; 5-3 in bowl games.

John Cooper: 0.715 win percentage; 2-10-1 [edit: corrected from 1-10-1, which was erroneous] v. Michigan; 3-8 in bowl games.

The above numbers are misleading, though. First, when Bruce arrived at Ohio State in 1979, the talent left behind by Woody was very strong. Earle's best year at Ohio State was his first year, 1979, playing almost exclusively with Woody's players. Earle's second best team might have been the 1980 team, with the key players again mostly having been Woody recruits. In 1980, Ohio State lost to #11 UCLA (Kenny Easley and Freeman McNeil), to #10 Michigan in a tight defensive struggle, and to an underrated #10 PSU (Todd Blackledge, Curt Warner, etc.). Thereafter, Earle struggled to recruit enough of the highest-caliber players that we expect at Ohio State, especially on the defensive side of the ball.

By the time Cooper arrived in 1988, the talent cupboard was pretty bare by Buckeye standards, prompting his infamous "too many slow white guys" quip. It took several years for Coop to rebuild the talent base. If we allow that Coop's first five years at Ohio State involved a heavy rebuilding project, whereas Bruce was set up for success from the get go, we see that Coop's post-1992 winning percentage was 0.773 (or 8th best in the nation during that period). Some fans believe that Coop kind of lost control of the program toward the end of his regime - which is the main reason he was fired - but otherwise the program was mostly on the upswing during Coop's reign.

Second, the Big Ten was probably stronger overall during Cooper's time at Ohio State compared to when Bruce was head coach. In the 1980s, the Big Ten was still kind of the "Big Two and Little Eight." Iowa under Hayden Fry had some big years, Purdue was good at times, etc. After Cooper took over, though, "parity" was in vogue. Programs that historically had been bottom-feeders either had a serious resurgence (e.g. Wisconsin, Illinois) or enjoyed several big years (e.g., Northwestern, Indiana). The overall quality of coaching continued to improve (e.g., Alvarez and, briefly, Saban at MSU). And, obviously, PSU joining the conference in 1993 also elevated the overall level of competition.

Finally, while there is no excusing Coop's 2-10-1 [edit: correction] record against Michigan, it was a relatively tough era in which to play Michigan. Whereas Michigan had the 12th best winning percentage (79-21-1) between 1979 and 1987, they had the 7th best winning percentage (121-33-4) between 1988 and 2000. Granted, Bruce is responsible for some of the losses that lowered Michigan's overall win percentage in the 1980s. But it was also because the Michigan program had several middling seasons (by Michigan standards) toward the latter part of Bo's great run at Michigan, although Bo did go out in style his last two years there.

Sunday

A group of students found themselves somehow entirely surrounded by a chain link fence construction zone.

A soulless monster tried to sell used textbooks on facebook.

And sidewalk chalk ads for "Sizzling Hot Summer Storage Prices!" failed to win over a majority of students.

Monday

The merciful, almighty university offered freshmen forgiveness.

The OSU police busted a meal plan-based prostitution ring.

The weird roommate inexplicably transferred to Bowling Green.

And the bell tower began taking requests.

Tuesday

A total of ten words were read during reading day.

A survey found that 78% of campus hipsters prefer the Hansford Quadrangle to the Oval.

Students who hadn't yet begun studying made sure everyone else knew.

And students across campus mourned the passing of the SEI professor review deadline.

Wednesday

Cardale Jones was significantly worried about his physics exam.

And students across campus took a 5-minute study break (5 minute pause from normal activities to study).

Thursday

Aaron Craft slept through his second straight exam.

A missing student from 1993 was found asleep at the "18th Avenue Library" (SEL).

And Urban Meyer stole 15 recruits from the NFL draft.

Friday

Freshmen thought they were excited for summer break.

A construction worker gazed down upon all he hath wrought.

And this for real happened just off-campus due to a power outage(!!!):

Saturday

A freshman's "Get Involved!" t-shirt finally became cool.

And a heartfelt goodbye was made between roommates who will lose touch forever within 3 months.

For more fake campus news, be sure to follow The Fake Lantern on twitter or facebook and check out TheFakeLantern.com and then do whatever you want after that.

From the T & C Dept*:

Pittsburgh Police authorities have arrested three Pitt Panthers for the possession of a bong, a quantity of heroin, and a deli ham and cheese sandwich (a former NYC officer who works in Pittsburgh now called it a "grinder").  Drew Carswell, Khaynin Mosley-Smith and Eric Williams were detained for use or possession of drug paraphernalia.  Carswell, a junior tight end, Mosley Smith, a junior defensive lineman, and Williams, a junior linebacker, all played relatively small roles for the Panthers in 2012.  But because of the bizarre circumstances surrounding the packaging of the heroin, police are now seeking information on the whereabouts of Mark May, an employee of ESPN, who has yet to turn up at his residence, 720 Panther Pantie Way, Hazbin, PA.   The residence appears to have been hastily vacated.

The heroin, as it turns out, was wrapped in women's underwear, size 16, with frayed and stretched waist banding.  This led police to conclude that the underwear had been worn most likely by a man for some time.  Preliminary DNA evidence found in the material somehow implied that Mark May, the standout Panther of yesteryear, was most likely the previous owner of the "heroin wrap". 

Efforts to locate and interview May on the subject have failed.

That is all.  Resume Offseason.

The Time Traveler

*Tongue n Cheek Department :)

As a fan of the Almighty Cleveland Browns, the NFL Draft is akin to Christmas Day. Usually, the Browns are taking a Top 10 talent before the Browns chronic ineptitude ruins them by the end of their rookie contract. Other times, we’re spending first round picks on 28 year-old rookie quarterbacks. Yet, every year, like the kids of deadbeat parents, us Browns fans awake on draft day with a naïve twinkle of hope in our eyes.

This, however, isn’t about the Browns’ struggles since their valiant return to the league in 1999. I doubt ElevenWarriors has the bandwidth to host such a diatribe, nor would this ever be mistaken for a Cleveland Browns blog; there’s way too much optimism here and not nearly enough self-loathing.

Yet, the NFL Draft, led by autocrat Roger Goodell, offers another chance to shame the league about something not involving concussions and the long-term mental health of its players: its lack of a minor league.

My three readers know there is no love lost between the NCAA and me. In fact, when reports surfaced on Twitter of a possible college football bowl in Dubai, my first thought was “These two institutions built on the back of the indentured servitude deserve each other.” 

The NCAA is in dire need of reform, something which I believe will finally happen once the O’Bannon verdict is delivered this summer. This is all well and good, and should be welcomed by anybody who believes in fairness. But any rant against the NCAA, and believe me, my pasty digits have typed plenty of them, usually falls short of naming another culprit with even more blood on its hands: “the National Football League” (said in my ESPN Analyst Serious Business Voice).

I can see how the NCAA spiraled out of control. When the NCAA was ordained in 1910, it’s not as if its Earthshakers envisioned multi-billion dollars in television contracts being handed out annually. I have less sympathy for the NFL, whose owners compromise some of the most ruthless business people in the world. (Doubt me? Browns owner and billionaire Jimmy Haslam’s Flying Pilot J, a Fortune 11 company with 17.77 billion dollars in revenue in 2011, was just caught chiseling a few million dollars off trucking companies in a cost-plussing rebate scheme.)

I have zero clue how the NFL has gotten this far without a minor league system, but if I listen closely enough at night, I can almost hear NFL owners clinking Scotch-filled glasses together as they chuckle at their ability to weld their minor league system to the NCAA. How many miles on their private jets has this bought them? I shudder to think.

If I were Mark Emmert, I would make my appeal thusly: the NCAA was never meant to be a minor league system for the NFL and NBA’s talent. Perhaps Emmert is holding this card up his sleeve for a rainy day, because I doubt NCAA football would be as lucrative if the Terrelle Pryors and Greg Odens were replaced with Joe Bausermans and Evan Ravenels, but it’s something that makes sense.

Elite football prospects have two options after graduating high school: go to college or take three years off from playing competitively, and given not too many NFL draftees are hailing from their mother’s basement, the system has been rigged to funnel elite prospects into the collegiate ranks. This is where the NFL wants them: where NFL teams aren’t spending money on the development of talent in their de-facto minor league system.

This use to not be the case for the NBA, but after years of NBA general managers failing at evaluating talent (aka their jobs), the NBA raised the age requirement to enter its draft. This has led to the “one-and-done” phenomenon; something Mark Emmert himself has said makes a mockery of his fabled white unicorn, the student-athlete.

Could a professional minor league co-exist with the NCAA? Looking at college baseball, there’s no reason to see why not. In that sport, prospects have the option: sign a minor league contract or go to college for at least three years. That’s why you never see the glut of “WE MUST PAY THESE ATHLETES” rants about college baseball like you do about football and basketball athletes... because choice exists in baseball.

I get that an 18 year-old basketball prospect could forgo the collegiate system and head overseas to play professionally, a la Brandon Jennings or Jeremy Tyler, but how many 18 year-olds are ready for that kind of independence? How many prospects have the kind of support network to help them through the inevitable culture shock?

Choice is the crux of American society, is it not? While the NFL has grown into becoming the most moneyed league in the Americas, it has left prospects bereft of a viable alternative to the NCAA and its colleges. The same is true with the NBA, only to a lesser extent.

If every prospect was ready fit for college or came from a family of privilege, perhaps this wouldn’t be the case, but one only needs to skim the backgrounds of this year’s draftees to the reality of the situation.

A sky-scraping pile of criticism has been heaped at the foot of the NCAA’s throne; most of it is fair, yet perhaps it’s not as big as culprit as people have been led to think. If the NCAA wants to avoid paying its players, and by every indication it does, then perhaps it should pass the buck upward.

I received the email below from the Columbus Division of Police via OSU regarding their investigation of an arson that occur a decade ago and tragically killed two OSU students and three other young people.  The fire was at 64 East 17th Avenue on on April 13, 2003 and occurred in the early morning hours after a party.  I have had a lasting memory of this as I was living just north on 18th Avenue at the time and witnessed the fire and the aftermath.  

I wanted to post it here on the off chance that someone in our community may have been at that party or may know something that could help police.  If so, please do the right thing an contact an investigator. 

The Columbus Division of Police needs your help

 

The Columbus Division of Police is asking for our assistance in reaching out to members of the alumni community. You are receiving this message because you were an Ohio State student during the years 2003-2007.

You may recall the tragic fire that occurred on April 13, 2003, at 64 East 17th Avenue, in which five people died. Two of the young people, Alan Schlessman and Kyle Raulin, were students at The Ohio State University. It was ruled an arson by the Columbus Division of Fire.

The Columbus Division of Police is seeking help in gathering leads for its criminal investigation of the cause of the fire. While the 10-year marker of this tragic event has just passed, Columbus Police believes that it still may be possible to solve this crime, but it will require assistance.

A birthday party had been held at the house prior to the fire being set, and according to witnesses there were many students who had attended this party. If you attended the party and have never spoken to an investigator, please contact Detective Dana Farbacher, Columbus Division of Police, Homicide Squad-CCU, at (614) 645-7581 or DFarbacher@columbuspolice.org. Even if you are unsure whether you have information that may be helpful, if you have not yet spoken with police about this matter, please take the time to reach out to Detective Farbacher.

Even after 10 years, this case remains active; and the law enforcement community, the families, and the university and campus communities are working together to solve it—with your assistance. As always, these students remain in our thoughts and prayers. Thank you for any assistance you may be able to provide.

My daughter and son, who are 10 and 8 respectively, stepped out onto the front porch this morning ready to scurry off to the bus stop.  I told them Daddy needs a kiss first (like I always do) and I too stepped out onto the porch and delivered said kisses.  They pulled their hoods over their heads, leaped off the porch and bounded down the driveway toward the bus stop.  And by the way, I simply don’t ever remember being that excited each day when I left for school.  But I digress.  This is not a story about my disdain for school.  It was raining at a pretty steady pace this morning and there was a slight, albeit not a big, chill in the air.  I stood there for a few seconds and just as I was about to turn around and walk back inside, it hit me.  One of those memories you have imbedded in your subconscious like a tick on a farm dog came bubbling to the surface.  A memory that isn’t brought on by a voice, a sound or because you were talking about it or something similar.  No, THIS memory was brought on by my surroundings and all that they entailed at that exact moment.  It not only put an instant smile on my face but brought a tear to my eye just as quickly.  The rain, the dark gray cloudy Columbus sky, the smell of wet concrete wafting up from under my feet and the sight of my sons red Buckeye rain coat as he ambled down the driveway brought forth a cherished memory of my father.  All of a sudden I’m standing in The Horseshoe on Nov. 2, 1985.

Now come on, if you are either around my age (42, which made me 15 at the time) or are a Buckeye Football history nut of the highest ilk, you know that date as it applies to Buckeye Football lore.  The #1 ranked, Chuck Long led, Hayden Fry coached Iowa Hawkeyes were in town for a tilt w/ our beloved Buckeyes.  Sure the Buckeye pulled off a huge upset in knocking off the then #1 ranked Hawkeyes, but this memory that I keep speaking of has very little to do w/ the actual game.  This memory is all about my father.  You see my Dad passed away way to young from cancer at the age of 61.  It’s been 8 years since he’s been gone and all the memories of him are fond ones these days.  The grief has passed long ago and even when I do tear up over a memory of him, it’s due to happy thoughts not sad.  My point is I’m not looking for sympathy or condolences in regards to my father.  Sure I miss him but I think of him from the side of positive thoughts these days.  I just felt the need to tell this story as it dawned on me that lots and I mean lots of my memories of my father are dripping, nay immersed, in Buckeye Football.  And my friends, there is absolutely nothing wrong w/ that in the least!!

As I stood there on the porch allowing the memories of my dad from that day to flow over me I couldn't’t help but chuckle and even talk to myself about these thoughts of my old man.  I heard “Did you see that son?  My goodness that son of a bitch can play ball”  being yelled in my ear like he was still standing right next to me.  He was referring to a hit on Long where Pepper Johnson strung the play out and then smacked him on the sideline.  I remember my dad throwing his arm around my shoulders and screaming “Holy shit!  Spielman just knocked Harmon back 2 yards” after Spielman met a leaping Ronnie Harmon in the hole for a loss on 4th & 1 from the OSU 10 yard line.  And by the way, my father liked his cuss words.  Now he didn't drop F’Bombs or other over the top cuss words and he also never cussed directly at you while he was upset.  But boy did my old man like to use “Son of a Bitch”, “Shit” & “God Dammit” as adjectives when he spoke.  He was a military man.  He graguated from Navy ROTC at Ohio State & spent another 25+ years in the Navy Reserves and that’s just the way he spoke.  I was used to it & it was never hurtful, so why sugar coat the man’s shortcomings, right?  But my favorite moment from that day was shortly after Spielman had notched his second interception on the day w/ under 2 min's to play, sealing the victory for the Buckeyes.  We all go crazy inside Ohio Stadium jumping around & screaming like little girls at an American Girl Doll store. Everyones high fiving & yelling in the steady rain and my dad puts both hands on my shoulders, gives me a couple of violent shakes, steadies me, says “God Dammit son, does it get any better than this?” and then pulls me in for a celebratory hug.

Like I said above there are so many memories of my father that center around Buckeye football.  I was so lucky growing up as he sat on the Board of Regents at Ohio State so of course he had season tickets.  He had (4) tix and right around the age of 11-12, I started going to home Buckeye games every Sat almost w/ out fail.  Not bragging but simply stating how lucky I was to see an almost uncountable number of Buckeyes games and I was lucky enough to see them w/ my Dad.  I remember tailgating every Sat in the St. Johns lot w/ my Dad, my Uncle and whomever my Dad brought on his 4th ticket.  Almost every time I throw brats boiled in beer on my grill here at home, the smell reminds me of those crisp fall Sat’s at his tailgates.  Eventually he retired from the Board of Regents & gave up his season tix.  I had moved on thru college, got married & moved to Cincinnati.  We would still get to one home game each year but had not seen a game together since 1999.  Then, I got one final beat all-end all memory w/ my father and Ohio State Football!!!  I scored (2) tickets to the Ohio State vs. Miami (FL) National Championship game in that magical season of 2002.  I’ll never forget when I called my wife at work and proclaimed “We’re in dear.  We’re headed to the desert to see the Title Game.”  And God love my wife as she told me right then on the phone, that I needed to ask my Father to go and if he didn't want to go, then she’s all in of course. I didn’t even need to say “are you sure dear” or“no, you should go.”  She got it.  She understood to the inth degree.  She not only knew all about me & my Dad’s history together in regards to OSU football but she also knew what it would mean to me and my Pops to see that game together. I know, right?  How great is this woman?!?!  The phone call to my Dad to ask him to head out there w/ me was a great phone call.  He laughed and said “No son, I appreciate it but I’m too old for all that revelry these days.”   I simply told him that he didn’t have of a choice as we hadn’t seen a game together in (3) years, it was the Buckeyes playing for the whole ball of wax for crying out loud and besides, his daughter-in-law insisted he go.  He chuckled and said “I knew I liked that girl for good reason.  Okay, I’ll go.”  I made sure to treat him to the whole trip.  The game tix, plane tix, hotel, etc. was on my dime.  It was the least I could do for all the games and all the fun he had treated me to over the years simply because I was his son. 

The Buckeyes National Championship win over the Hurricane’s in Tempe was the last Buckeye game I attended w/ my Dad as he passed away (6) years later.  It’s not that we didn’t watch and talk Buckeye football when we were together but my life was full of inertia at that time and he obviously had gotten sick as well.  But that last game we saw together sure was special!  I’ll never forget the smile on his face as we walked out of Sun Devil Stadium, his 58 year old voice hoarse from screaming the whole game.  He threw his arm around me as we walked toward the car and said, “Honestly son, I started to think I wouldn’t get to see the Bucks win another National Championship in my lifetime.  Thanks for bringing me out to see it.”   And of course I responded w/ the obligatory “You’re welcome.”   But looking back, I wish I would have said something that would have been much more appropriate.

So Pops, I’ll say now what I should have then……….

“No Dad, thank you!!!!”
 

COLUMBUS, OH - According to sources close to the student athlete, Cardale Jones is "significantly worried" about his physics 1251 final exam. "He's been at the library for 8-9 hours," said a friend of the academic all-American, who wished not to be named in this report. "I've never seen him so focused, or studying." Reporters were eventually able to locate Jones on the 8th floor of Thompson Library for a short study break interview. The star Ohio State quarterback, who was biting his nails with test anxiety, was hunched over his computer with notes and quizzes scattered around him in a 3-ft. arc.

"I've calculated the grade I need to obtain on this exam, and frankly, the results are very concerning," said the backup quarterback famous for his school-first philosophy. "If I don't score -- at the very least -- an 87%, I'll risk receiving an A- in the class. And I'm still not crystal clear on the concept of Gaussian surfaces. I'm sorry, but I just can't accept that. Please let me return to my studies." With the interview clearly finished, Jones then firmly gripped his temples and intently returned his stare to the season 1 episode of Two Broke Girls he had been watching on his MacBook.

If there's one thing America isn't good at, it's naming our scandals. What would we do if Richard Nixon hadn't paid Joe Paterno to break into the Watergate Hotel? Where would we be? With the originality of the goofs who dubbed the college football playoff "the College Football Playoff", I shudder to think.

Regardless, coming off a 12-0 season and entering the walkthrough that will be the 2013 regular season campaign, I think it's a good time to remind everyone just how lucky we were for "Tatgate" and its subsequent bowl ban. I was an unabashed defender on Terrelle Pryor on this very website, and since then my opinions of TP and his misdeeds at Ohio State have only grown more favorable.

Is there any rational thinking Ohio State fan (somewhat of a paradox, I admit) who would choose Jim Tressel over Urban Meyer? Because, without Tatgate and the Senator's inglorious exit, Urban Meyer would be plying his trades at another, lesser university than the one found in central Columbus.

Jim Tressel was a great coach, an Ohio State legend, and one of my life's regrets is I wasn't old enough to riot in the aftermath of the 2002 national title game. Yet, I truly believe we had witnessed the unforgiving ceiling of the Ohio State program under Jim Tressel: a lofty winning percentage sprinkled with disappointing losses to the likes of Purdue and Illinois or from programs like USC or Texas. Maybe I am on my own with this belief, but I do not think Jim Tressel would have ever won another national title while at Ohio State.

Winning the Big Ten used to suffice when the Big Ten was a legitimate football conference. Those days have gone the way of standard definition television and CD players. Sure, Tressel owned Michigan in a way few Ohio State coaches ever have, but it came in the twilight of Lloyd Carr's career and the abomination that was Rich Rodriguez's era.

With Urban Meyer, Ohio State will get all of Tressel's glory plus the talent required to take the Buckeyes into honest national title contention. For me, it boils down to 2006's BCS Title Game. It was Urban's best vs. Jim Tressel's best, and Florida gave us an ass-kicking that still makes me grimace in pain when I recollect on it. Had Urban not called the dogs off at half-time, they may have hung 100 points on Ohio State. And if you think Teddy Ginn would have made a difference, please turn off your computer and take a long walk outside until the drugs and alcohol dissipate from your brain and central nervous system.

No, Tatgate had to happen. I love Jim Tressel, and I thought him returning for this year's Michigan game was one of the best trollings of the 2012 calendar year, but I don't have any sympathy when it comes to his ouster. At best, Jim Tressel was strategically negligent with his star quarterback's extracurricular money-ginning.

I think he knew what was going on, and each time Terrelle Pryor pulled up to the WHAC in a new car, Tressel turned a blind-eye because he knew in the snakepit of college football, what Pryor was engaged in was a small-time misdemeanor. (He also knew JOE FREAKING BAUSERMAN was the back-up quarterback.)

As awful as the 2011 season was, it's a tax I'd pay tenfold to lead to yesterday and tomorrow's glory. The bowl ban ended up being a blessing, because I'm not sure Ohio State could've banged with Alabama in last year's national title game. While I doubt Urban Meyer's teams will ever get handed a mauling akin to the ones suffered by Tressel's teams from time to time,  12-0 was a perfectly acceptable capstone for me, the liquor-swilling fan whose game day preparation includes "which Ohio State shirt I'm going to wear."

I'm sure the players felt it left something to be desired, and that's the perfect scenario entering this season. Urban Meyer, pop psychologist, knows this. It's what has lead to "the Chase" you hear so many Ohio State footballers referring to this off-season. The 2012 season might have been an unsatisfactory meal for them, which is good, because it means there's still a hunger within.

Granted, I predicted the 2011 team would finish 11-1 with a Rose Bowl Victory, but last May I also predicted Ohio State would finish 12-0. I was laughed at both times, but this year, I feel even better about my prediction for the team: 12-0.

There are some who prefer to revel in past glories, "back when a handful of nickels kept the jukebox rolling all night." Some prefer to live in the future, where things can yet be altered, but to me, neither is worth as much as the present. Without the bowl ban, I'm not sure if I would feel as confident. I definitely wouldn't feel as confident if Ohio State was coming off a national title win or loss, and either way, it would have all weighed the same as everything else in the past: about as much as wind.

And to think, the storm that is brewing in Columbus started with Terrelle Pryor and others getting discounted tattoos. If Urban Meyer wins multiple national titles at Ohio State as I think he's poised to do, perhaps one day Ohio State will erect a statue of another Ohio State legend: Terrelle Pryor... tattoos and all.