*rips open illegal, caffeinated FourLoko with teeth, switches to Batman voice* It's Michigan week. Let's do this.
The big news that dropped yesterday — other than Ohio State maintaining their crisp No. 3 spot in the BCS — was Ohio State will attempt to regulate the Mirror Lake Jump.
As a grizzled veteran of those Mirror Lake Wars from back when all you needed to jump in Mirror Lake was a lack of critical thought and a warm blanket of Lady Bligh Spiced Caribbean rum, I have a few thoughts on this national issue.
How do they expect freezing college students to obey one entrance and file past in an orderly fashion to flash their wristbands to solemn looking adults? Have these suits ever been to a Mirror Lake jump? It's like World War Z except with frigid, drunken college kids playing the role of the indomitable zombie hordes.
I wish they'd just cancel the event outright instead of trying to sterilize it, which is probably what will happen when they realize Rent-A-Fences aren't going to stop the half-naked hordes of Ohio State students trying to throw their pathetic mortal carcasses into a man-made pond of duck piss.
And does anyone know a loophole for a guy who brought tens of thousands of dollars to Ohio State in the form of tuition that also happens to enjoy reveling in the chaos that is the Mirror Lake Jump as a humble spectator? WHY HAS MY KIND BEEN FORSAKEN!?!?
MICHIGAN FANS ARE DUMPING THEIR TICKETS TO THE GAME. I've seen this porno before: in 2009, I went to The Game in Ann Arbor. A Michigan Man sold my buddy and I two tickets and acted as if he was handing off some yellowcake uranium two two Saudi nationals in the bowels of the FBI headquarters. "Ohio State fans are the only ones buying," he lamented as he handed us over two tickets in exchange for some sheets of paper we call "money."
Now it's 2013, and Michigan just went down to Iowa in a blaze of offensive ineptitude; Michigan fans are flooding the secondary market with tickets to The Game. These people apparently want no part of watching their 13-point underdog team get dismantled as Brady Hoke looks befuddled on the sidelines. (They've seen this porno too, it appears.)
Oh, and Devin Gardner? He's not going to be 100% either:
Gardner walked in holding his right arm in his pant loop. Like a self made sling. He's absolutely injured, just a question of how severely
— Everett Cook (@everettcook) November 23, 2013
I cannot wait to touch down in Ann Arbor on Friday night and laugh at these people for their pathetic choices in football teams. Hopefully those scrubs have more witty comebacks than the US News and World Report college rankings and thinking it's an insult to tell me I enjoy having sex with other men... but I am not holding my breath.
Mirror Lake in happier times.LET'S LAUGH AT OREGON. Hey, Oregon, what were your thoughts on the Rose Bowl merely a week ago?
“I don’t want to play in a Rose Bowl unless I’m playing for a national championship,” wide receiver Josh Huff told reporters Monday. His offensive teammate echoed that sentiment. “It’s not a big deal at all,” running back De’Anthony Thomas told reporters. “We already won a Rose Bowl, so it feels like, ‘Whatever.’”
That feels like, startling arrogance coming from players representing a program whose most prestigious moment was losing a national championship game. Let's just fast forward to the immediate aftermath of getting nuked by Dick Rodriguez's Arizona Wildcats:
After the game, Mark Helfrich said the comments had nothing to do with the poor performance.
“No,” he said. “Absolutely, part of that was ignorance. Part of that was out of context. Part of that was guys, the way that was phrased, was not representative of how anybody feels. That was never any bit of a team-wide deal at all. We dealt with that.
“We have the utmost respect for anything to do with the Rose Bowl. That had nothing, at all, to do with it.”
Ah, well... hopefully Oregon will build on their healthy respect for the Rose Bowl when they're sitting at home watching it on television like I am. (SOMEBODY GET BONO ON THE LINE, OREGON WILL NEED SOME CRATES OF ALOE TO HELP WITH THAT SICK-ASS BURN.)
REMEBER, REMEBER THE 23RD OF NOVEMBER. I'm not sure if that's how the saying goes, but I am pretty sure there's a missing "M" from this commemorative shirt being sold by Georgia Southern to immortalize their victory over the mighty Florida Gators. (Woody Hayes would have considered it a "flawless victory" because Georgia Southern didn't have a single passing yard.)
And in case you were worried the Will Muschamp comedy tour would be canceled: it's still on for next year (reportedly).
GOOD POINT, PANTONI. Sure, shifting demographics in America could explain the talent-drain faced by Big Ten and northern schools, but Mark Pantoni has a point that should echo with recruits:
If you want to play in the NFL, you better learn to love playing in the cold #realtalk
— Mark Pantoni (@markpantoni) November 24, 2013
And did anybody cringe after the Indiana game when Ryan Shazier said his ideal football weather is "sunny"? I wanted to cradle that Florida boy and whisper "it's not your fault" into his ear like Robin Williams in Goodwill Hunting. (Speaking of the talkies: I give Hunger Games: Catching Fire "TWO MARIONAIRE GUNS UP." Come at me, hater bros.)
THOSE WMDs. Salamanders are coming back to Ohio waterways... Athens Sheriff: Krokodil likely came from Columbus... A mysterious death at the South Pole... They're watching you at work... Charles Manson at 79... On the hunt with the First Skiers... How the Dodge brothers broke from Henry Ford and made their own empire... The story of a doomed minor league stadium...
