The Fake Lantern Campus Week in Review: Sept 29–Oct 5

By The Fake Lantern on October 6, 2013 at 10:37p
Ohio State's new live mascot.


Campus Cleveland fans wore both their Braylon Edwards and Grady Sizemore jerseys.

Ohio State clinched the B1G Leaders division.

And an edgy freshman played cello during quiet hours.


Campus Steelers fans all went back to being Browns fans.

The OSU police announced it would use its new military vehicle to enforce the Oval walk zone.

And anatomy students used their Monday afternoon lecture to study the backs of their eyelids.


Interim President Alutto announced that if he had any sort of control, he wouldn't shut down OSU's government.

Students reacted to the cessation of the American government system by immediately making fun of it.

Advice: How to combat midterm stress.

Rent-A-Fence admitted it was out of fences.

And campus Cincinnati fans couldn't believe one of their teams lost in the first round of the playoffs.


OSU Student Wellness began offering free vibrating massagers, you know, the kind for your back.

Les Wexner further expanded his empire by purchasing the AMC Lennwex theater.

And a failing art major's project grade was also not a pretty picture.


An Oval glass art sale was probably hiding a few bongs in there.

A professor with a Ph.D was unable to understand the "ad before video" feature of YouTube.

A student struggled to open an umbrella en route to an exam on simple machines.

Ohio State announced it would switch to a live athletic mascot.

And we talked smack with Northwestern's satire paper.


Students worried about the north campus transformation were relieved to remember it only took Ohio State 3 years to dig holes in south campus.

And we asked readers where the best party was Friday night so we could come ruin it.


Freshmen used family weekend to show off their cool parents to everyone in the dorm.

Northwestern students took a short study break to study the rules of football.

Northwestern's band accidentally made a sideways Z.

Ohio State's wishes were "Grant"ed.

Carlos Hyde was dismissed from the team following a late Saturday night assault of 11 men.

OSU won a road night game by double digits against a ranked opponent but was it enough.

And Cameron Johnston totally got his Didgeridoo sucked after the game.

The Fake Lantern is the fake student voice of The Ohio State University. You should follow them on Twitter: @TheFakeLantern.


Comments Show All Comments

Stinson's picture

"Carlos Hyde was dismissed from the team following a late Saturday night assault of 11 men."

"The height of human desire is what wins, whether it's on Normandy Beach or in Ohio Stadium." -Wayne Woodrow Hayes

Seattle Linga's picture

Too funny - I would assume he will also be dismissed in weeks to come!

Basso Profondo's picture

Careful, ESPN will see this bit and have it up as their main headline five minutes later. 
But seriously, I love what the Fake lantern is doing, good stuff.

Buckeye_Mafia's picture

Or the Sporting News....amirite?!?

And seriously, a live mascot would be totally cool....but a living Brown Eye?!?  No thanks!  I work with enough of them... 

"At critical moments throughout the season, we learned about the character of this football team.  This was a team of true character, of true resilience." -- President Barack Obama

KLF Buckeye's picture

I think somewhere on Thursday night campus Browns fans were trying to cancel their Brian Hoyer jersey purchases on
*but then, of course, buying something else to help support the 11W page

LeftCoastBuck's picture

The fake lantern delivers to the Mildcats
We don’t care about Northwestern, but Northwestern’s excuse for a satire newspaper wrote a stellar piece trolling Ohio State entitled #Get[Expletive]AnOhioState that mostly relied on Wikipedia and politics (for some reason), and we couldn’t ignore it. So read theirs, and then read ours, and then wish that you hadn’t read either.
Dear Northwestern,
You’ve noticed, but we’re also excited to watch The Ohio State University shove its nuts in a northwesterly direction directly up your tight, purple-lined colons on national television. Our students won’t need to take a break from studying for midterms because it’s the freakin’ weekend baby, we’re about to have us some fun; seriously what is wrong with you? And you think we want hired? We’re entrepreneurs. We created the Four Loko that led to the craziest night of your life when you pulled an all-nighter studying classical Greek mythology and then almost ordered a pizza with your roommate.
Yes, a massive event known as “Gameday” is coming to your town (to see us), but making fun of Lee Corso is neither offensive to any Buckeye nor funny at all, as he is already a parody. And if you’re going to attempt to ridicule the speech of a former Ohio State quarterback who makes a living off of publicly speaking in front of a camera and a national audience, choosing one who somewhat consistently picks against the Bucks to seem unbiased is fine with us. Also, Erin Andrews? Maybe scroll down ESPN’s Wikipedia page a bit more next time. Samantha Ponder is where it’s at you filthy alley cats.
“When [we] see that televised broadcast”? We’re not going to be watching that broadcast. We’re going to be on the road with the rest of Buckeye Nation’s destructively well-traveling fan base to leave a scarlet stain across all of your parking lots and then later in the day, across all 300 seats in your stadium.
And our message will not be spoken or despicably written as a hashtag. It will simply be the sound of thousands of Buckeyes spelling the name of the state we love. All we know is Ohio State football, but we know it better than anything anyone else knows about anything else.
But you keep talking about the NCAA as if it knows you exist (not to mention the NCAA basketball tourney), and you keep talking about BCS games as if you’ve been to one (pretty cool stat: you’ll never go to one). And of course, chant “S-E-C” like the rabid racists you must be. By all means. “SEC,” if you aren’t familiar, stands for South Eastern Conference. That is the literal 100% opposite of everything that Northwestern stands for. So please, sit down.
“The worst travesty since Kent State?” Kent State was our backup backup backup backup backup school. Nice try there, and good work making fun of our “alums” and their spelling (“alums” is not a word, you hypocritical monstrosity of a fake publication).
We’re not going to pretend to know or care who Taylor Scott or Abraham Campbell are, but we can guarantee they won’t shut down Braxton Miller. Hilarious dig at Boehner though. Keep going back to that policital well you’re sucking out of, but we’re the political center of the universe during elections. Obama loves us more than he does Chicago. Also, good work on your pitiful dig at our running game. Here’s a short lesson: Jordan Hall had one carry during Ohio State’s victory against Wisconsin. Your line backing corps will first have to deal with Carlos Hyde, who drags defenders with him like the hordes of women he disrespects. You’re going to have to deal with Dontre Wilson, whom you haven’t seen nor heard of only because he is too fast to view with the human eye. And then you’re going to have to deal with Hall. And then Rod Smith. And then Warren Ball. And then Ezekiel Elliot as time winds down and we accidentally score our seventh touchdown to match our seven national championships.
Additionally, making fun of Brutus Buckeye is pretty pathetic when your mascot is the statistical median of mascots. Nothing is more average than a wild cat. So eat our buckeyes and die from the poison, stray kitties.
And please – we don’t care about Aaron Hernandez, and neither does Urban Meyer. Urban Meyer cares about winning and only winning. But if you’re going to try to brag about your 2 quarterback system, you must not have heard of Kenny Guiton, who would start over both your running quarterback and your passing quarterback. Our backup has 13 passing touchdowns. Both of your QBs have combined for 7. Thanks for mentioning how many presidents we have, but bashing Tressel hurts no one. Meyer is king now, and all he does is drive to victory. Speaking of roads, the only highway we care about is I-71. Who wants to take a road that leads to the murder capital of the world?
You’re welcome for the readers we gave you, and we hope you enjoy what we have become used to for 17 straight games: a solid Buckeye victory. Even Mark May picked Ohio State, so have a nice weekend.
Go Bucks,
THE Fake Lantern

"Have a Coke and a smile!.....along with $150 in UM football tickets"

DannyBeane's picture

This picture of Brutus is staring at my soul.

buckguyfan1's picture

It won't blink... 

Buckeyevstheworld's picture

Thanks for the nightmare fuel 11w. :/

"YOLO" = I'm about to do something extremely ignorant/stupid & I need an excuse to do it.

AndyVance's picture

I'm not sure which is funnier... This:

OSU Student Wellness began offering free vibrating massagers, you know, the kind for your back.

...or this:

Les Wexner further expanded his empire by purchasing the AMC Lennwex theater.

...although I almost snorted my morning coffee all over my monitor when I read the last bit about Cameron's Didgeridoo. Classic.

okaycody's picture

Damn, my d00d went in on Matt Hayes

pjtobin's picture

I love the fake lantern. Thanks!

Bury me in my away jersey, with my buckeye blanket. A diehard who died young. Rip dad.