The Fake Lantern Campus Week in Review: Sept. 15–21

By The Fake Lantern on September 22, 2013 at 9:30p
10 Comments
Big day at the Shoe

SUNDAY

Stat: Each of Ohio State's 7 touchdowns against Cal was scored by a backup.

And Ohio State retired #13.

MONDAY

Braxton Miller passed his entire walk to class completely unnoticed.

Stock Watch: Rent-A-Fence reached its all time high.

OSU Student Wellness began offering free whatever you want.

And our 'twinterview' with TE Jeff Heuerman revealed that the only people who say his name correctly on the first try are Panda Express employees.

TUESDAY

Students across campus were prepared for midterms if being prepared for disaster counts.

We asked readers: Pants or shorts today? Or alternate between the two? The unanimous response was that zip-off cargo jeans were the way to go.

Braxton Miller was wondering why his locker had been cleared out.

Carlos Hyde was happy to finally hit the field again.

And a university mandate moved all Oval preachers to the South Oval.

WEDNESDAY

The presidential search committee released the notes from its first meeting.

Commentary: The engineering career fair was a great place for people who can't socialize to search for jobs by socializing.

It was discovered that the weird roommate had been living secretly in the basement this whole time.

And Carlos Hyde's reinstatement requirements were leaked.

THURSDAY

A board member on his smoke break reported that the smoking ban was working great so far.

A biology major who hates life right now was thinking about maybe switching majors.

A report found that a total of $14.87 remained on the collective BuckID account of the entire freshman class.

And every facebook machine at the library was already taken.

FRIDAY

An assignment due by the end of class was started during class.

If healthy, backup quarterback Braxton Miller was expected to start against FAMU.

We listed a FAMU ticket in our classifieds for free and received zero offers.

BLOODLUST

And campus Cleveland fans were too drunk to know, but the Indians gained control of a playoff spot.

SATURDAY

Kenny Guiton was named the starter against FAMU but only because Braxton Miller was still hurt right coach? Right?

OSU's return defense finally just appeased the student section's bloodlust.

Urban Meyer admitted he was trying to score 69 points.

And Braxton Miller was denied entrance to a party.


The Fake Lantern is the fake student voice of The Ohio State University. You should follow them on Twitter: @TheFakeLantern.

10 Comments

Comments

pjtobin's picture

I love the fake lantern. Thanks for always sharing them with us. 

Bury me in my away jersey, with my buckeye blanket. A diehard who died young. Rip dad. 

TheBadOwl's picture

OSU's return defense finally just appeased the student section's bloodlust.

Nailed it. Bravo.

When I walked in this morning and saw the flag was at half mast I thought, "Alright, another bureaucrat ate it." but then I saw it was Li'l Sebastian. Half mast is too high. Show some damn respect.

osuguy2008's picture

A biology major who hates life right now was thinking about maybe switching majors.

 
Very clever

Bradyhokescholesterol's picture

And our 'twinterview' with TE Jeff Heuerman revealed that the only people who say his name correctly on the first try are Panda Express employees.
good use of casual racism.

BassDropper's picture

 

DIRECTIONER

FROMTHE18's picture

love the Guiton ring of honor picture

ejoceans's picture

I'm not sure if I want Kenny to start against wisky or Braxton.  The only reason I say this is because he prob will be rusty and this or the next game is no time to shake the rust off. I'm so torn about this right now! I would never ever have this issue choosing between the two but Kenny is playing lights out and Braxton still only had a few snaps in the first game.  Oh man the decision Urbs will have to make on sat morning will be so hard.  I see Kenny starting unless Braxton just looks great in practice this week. IDK guys what do you all think about this one??? Do you play Braxton just because he is Braxton(and bad ass) or do you play who has been on fire lately?  I'm already nervous for these two tough games in a row.

Lets do this Brutus

ejoceans's picture

Also I think Braxton must be %100 to play and nothing less.  We need him to be healthy down the stretch!!

Lets do this Brutus

Seattle Linga's picture

There will be no rust when BM plays. But I agree he shouldn't play until he's ready.

okaycody's picture

A junior in a dead silent english class with his iphone on silent had an instagram video play on full volume followed by a subsequent spike in blood pressure and embarrassment. The junior doesn't understand why the "silent" setting doesn't override the volume on applications to avoid such situations, and also doesn't understand why in the hell instagram doesn't provide and option other than auto-play. Seriously, who the hell actually favors autoplay.
 
I am a junior.