Wednesday Skull Session

By D.J. Byrnes on June 12, 2013 at 6:00 am
66 Comments
RT @ceejoyner: An ancient hermit crab that made all the right moves takes a shipwreck as its shell. He's unstoppable now.

There's little doubt if I ever commit a capital offense it will involve the reprehensible people usually found in a Chipotle line. Just yesterday, I'm cooling my heels in line at my neighborhood burrito factory when this 6'5" goofball breezes past half the line to link up with his pudgy sidekick. Suddenly, I knew how Rosa Parks felt.

I'm sick of the unregulated, Wild Wild West that is the Chipotle line. If President Obama refuses to do anything about it, then I'm about to take justice into my own hands. Using the "meeting up with a friend" hustle to cut half the line at Chipotle should result in a swift punch to the throat/face. (Your buddy either waits for you or you get served three miles apart.) Taking sixteen custom orders hastily scribbled on one side of a Post-It note through the line should result in a date with a firing squad. (And before you moral crusaders ride in on your high horse, please remember this utter truth of the world: people have died over a lot less than a Chipotle burrito.)

Is that what the movie the Purge is about? Crime becomes legal for 12 hours and everyone picks up pitchforks and torches and goes about murdering derelicts encountered in lines at Chipotle? Because those would be the first people I'd hunt like dogs.

Ok, enough with the passive-aggressive rambling before I "spoil" a TV show season finale to a book that's been out for over a decade. To the Newsmobile, or whatever it is they call that chromed out 1987 Cutlass Supreme they keep out back of this place.

TEENS BE COMMITTING. The big news of the yesterday was kicker Sean Nuernberger becoming the 10th commitment of Ohio State's 2014 recruiting class, and 11W's own Jeremy Birmingham was all over it. A person who could play football with his feet was needed in this class after the weird Signing Day defection of 2013's Johnny Townsend. Personally, I am a fan of kickers, especially foreign ones, so the commitment of the German-born Nuernberger is the icing on the cake to the commitment of Australian punter Cameron Johnston (who can kick with both legs).

In other news, the sweetly named DeShone Kizer, a 4-star dual threat quarterback from Toledo's Central Catholic, has verbally committed to Notre Dame. Ohio State's 2014 class is lacking a quarterback, which means the recruiting eye of Ohio State will turn to Louisiana's Brandon Harris, who visited Columbus last weekend. With J.T. Barrett and Cardale Jones waiting in the depths behind Braxton Miller, however, it's not as if a quarterback is a must-have in next year's class.

Speaking of the 2014, did you know 4-star (or maybe 5-star?) offensive tackle Demetrius Knox is a stealth 11W user?

THE APR HAS BEEN RELEASED. The APR, the brainchild of the at-large criminal only known to authorities as "E. Gordon Gee," was released yesterday. Like most fans, I only know the APR is tied to programs' graduations rates, and is used in doling out punishment to schools lacking. I don't know how true that is though, because although North Carolina's APR was in the bottom 10 of the country, it wasn't tied to the immediate de-accreditation of North Carolina. Somehow Tennessee and Louisville's APR were lower than North Carolina's, so fair play to everyone involved at those schools, especially Rick Pitino. Michigan, the Harvard of the West, tied with another power institution of American academia: Auburn. Like it did back in September, Michigan finished behind Alabama.

As for Ohio State football's APR:

RT @dril: i will gladly purchase the Horrifying new xbox for each room in my home and expose my nude body to its mandatory camera daily for kfc pointsVia @degg: Hulk Hogan in JNCOs.

TOM HERMAN IS JUST LIKE ME. In that he has massive student loan debt and subsisted on Ramen Noodles well into his mid-twenties. Unlike me, he is a card-carrying Mensa member and subject of this Dennis Dodd piece centering on his unorthodox rise through the coordinating ranks culminating in being the chief of Ohio State's dynamic offense.

Buckeye fans might also be delighted to hear what the middle-aged genius said when asked about his boss' belief should be the best offense in the Big Ten:

"Yes, absolutely I do [think that]," Herman said. "I think anything less than that would be selling our program short." 

The piece, which you should read in entirety, also had this key anecdote about the pace of Herman's "Jet" offense:

 The super-fast version of Ohio State's no-huddle is labeled "Jet." Jet took off at a key moment in the third quarter of last year's game at Penn State.

At that point, the decision had been made to run Penn State's defensive line out of the building the same way Herman had done it at Rice. Go fast, make defenders run sideline-to-sideline. History shows an eight-play, 85-yard touchdown drive that lasted 2 minutes, 15 seconds.

... "[Andrew] Norwell came to the sideline, sat on the bench and vomited at the feet of our offensive line coach [Ed Warriner]," Herman said. "He looked him right in the eye and said, 'Keep jettin' 'em.' That's when I knew we had them."

THE TOP RATED PLAYERS IN NCAA 2014. Or should I say "the top rated completely coincidental likenesses of players associated with college football programs"? I don't know, but even with the impending O'Bannon verdict due later this summer, EA has forged ahead with its latest installment of a game which always seems to be a year behind the Madden franchise. Tradition Sports Online has the top 15 rated players, but here are some notables:

  • University of Southern Carolina Defensive End #7 - JR - 99 OVR - I was surprised to see 1) Jadeveon Clowney wasn't imprisoned for his assassination of Michigan's Vincent Smith and 2) he didn't garner the first 200 rating from an EA Sports game.
  • Ohio State Quarterback #5 - JR - 96 OVR - Braxton Miller will be an outright boss in NCAA 2014, as he should be. His elusiveness is 83 and his break tackle rating is 81, so he will almost be as dynamic on the game systems as he is in real life. Almost.
  • Texas A&M Quarterback #2 - SO (RS) - 97 OVR - Johnny Football's Heisman all but insured he'd carry a 95+ rating into his campaign to become the second multiple Heisman winner in college football history. Personally, I love this guy and think his troll rating (TRL) should be no less than an 89.
  • Michigan Left Tackle #77 - SR (RS) - 96 OVR - Taylor Lewan is a decent football player or whatever.
  • Michigan State Right Outside Linebacker #28 - SR (RS) - 95 OVR - According to current recruits, Denicos Allen would be rated higher by now if only he had chosen to go to a better football school, like Kentucky.

THE EVOLUTION OF THE OVAL. It didn't always used to be an open space for students to toss the ol' pigskin around and catch some sunrays. This story from Ohio State's website on the evolution of the Oval comes from 11W's Michael Citro's Twitter and is pretty awesome. (I like to think of the chemistry buildings burning down due to an 18th century Walter White tinkering with what eventually would be his award-winning Methamphetamine recipe.)

THOSE WMDs. A safety alert for gay men has been issued in Columbus after two gay men were targeted and beaten four days apart... A Wikipedia article on "the Savior of Mothers"... Penn State tops $45.9 million in costs associated with Jerry Sandusky... The most Dublin signage ever?... Dwight D. Eisenhower didn't soak in public glory on the 10th anniversary of D-Day... Schmeat: Lab grown meat hits grills this month... Overdraft fees are ridiculously profitable.

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