The Social Networks

By Jeff Beck on December 6, 2012 at 12:00p
30 Comments

We all knew Bret Bielema’s bro meter ran at 11. We also knew he was kind of a prick

The MatrixThe Rabbit Hole

But, in the wake of his departure from the B1G I was able to glean a little something extra about OSU fans’ favorite punching bag: he’s an avid social media user.

Immediately following his announcement to leave for Arkansas, I scoured the Web for his personal social media profiles in an effort to try to piece together the breaking story. In doing so, I feel I was able to peel back some of his swollen exterior and discover the true Bret…the man he is when the bright lights shut off and the last Busch Light is empty.

The exploration told me a lot about Bielema…and maybe a little bit about myself.

So sit back and pop a lunchtime cold one as we travel down the rabbit hole that is Bret Bielema’s social network.

Facebook

As far as I can tell, this whole thing started out on Bret’s own Facebook Page. Taking the road less traveled, Bielema decided to crowd-source his employment decision. The word is the idea came after witnessing one of his favorite soft drink brands experience immediate success with a similar tactic.

So, early Tuesday morning Bret posted the following status to his profile:

Bielema Status

Unfortunately for Bielema, the bar may have been a tad too high. By 2 p.m. ET the update has garnered no more than 52 Likes and Bret had seen enough. According to sources, he signed the Arkansas deal with residual Hot Cheetos finger dust and took to his other social channels to announce the news.

Twitter

ReveredWell remembered, well revered. via 

Minutes after signing, Bielema leaked the announcement to his favorite Twitter handle, @CollegeDouche. The move was calculated as he felt he needed to inform those closest to him first.

Bret then sat back and waited for the media engine to purr . Once the presses started firing on all cylinders, the inevitable Internet trolls found their way to Bielema. Standing at the ready, he repelled them with 140 character truth bombs:

“ROSE BOWL 3X” he proclaimed, and he was right. Getting to the Rose Bowl is all that truly matters. After you arrive the pageantry is victory enough. Winning is inconsequential

I’m sure Jim Tressel brags about his back-to-back national championship appearances in much the same manner. “NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP 2X, '06 & '07!!”

YouTube

Thoroughly incensed by the Twitter vitriol, Bielema looked to the only friend any man can turn to in a time of need. 

 

 

He posted the video to his YouTube page and cranked it on repeat as he muttered the hook to the sky.

“I won’t, I don’t, no I won’t do this anymore.”

Foursquare

With the sounds of the top rock group of the decade still ringing in his ears, Bielema took to Foursquare to formally concede his Mayorship of Wandos Bar and Grill.

The move was tough as the spot played an integral part in the accrual of some of his favorite accolades, particularly his Crunked, Player Please and Animal House badges.

A tear fell from his eye as he typed his last Wandos tip: “The babes go hard, Tuesday night’s free bacon deal goes harder”, and with that an unprecedented era of 358 straight weeks of Wandos check-ins came to a close.

Instagram

Following the Foursquare activity there were roughly 15 hours of social media darkness on Bielema's accounts.

That silence was broken at approximately 3 a.m. Wednesday morning when Bret posted the following “selfie” with the caption: “jUs boOted on a caB drijver…hfdhaha”

Selfie

LinkedIn

After another long stretch of social media inactivity, Bielema updated his LinkedIn profile.

Not much had changed, as total wins against Michigan State, Penn State and Ohio State remained the same, however he did update his job title to “Top Swine” and posted a link to this video where he appears to lead some kind of roller coaster-riding training course.

Google Plus

Lastly, I checked to see if Bret had any activity on Google Plus. To my surprise he had a profile, but it was pretty barren. The only thing filled out was the “About” section which read: "I Use Bing...LOL".

Fare thee well, Bret. You will be missed.

30 Comments

Comments

ThatOhioStateGirl's picture

This is incredible. 

Indomitable in victory, insufferable in defeat.

Jeff Beck's picture

Thanks, it was a perilous journey, but someone had to make it.

Matt F's picture

Two things:
1.  I will truly miss Bert because things like this are awesome and hilarious.
2.  This was hysterical.  It's like something I would write, but actually funny.

OSU_ALUM_05's picture

I'm going to miss Bielema too.  College football is the most fun when over-the-top turd sandwiches compete within the conference and continually flap their jaws about nonsense.  It just makes the story so much more fun to watch.  Here's to hoping Wisconsin finds someone just as insufferable to take over the program.

AndyVance's picture

That poor woman... he introduced her, called her up and said "it's time to call the hogs." Oh Lord...

Buckeyes_Terrapins's picture

Stellar work. The BHGP chart is pretty fantastic as well.

BoFuquel's picture

I'm hopeful that the inauspicious conveniently well-timed departure of Ol' Bret will only bring to us a better Target.GO BUCKS!

I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.

M Man's picture

"We'll never forget you Brent..."
A popular t-shirt in Wisconsin.  Done that one before...

avail31678's picture

That was a good one.

Doc's picture

What a total tool Bert is, miss ya buddy!  From my count he has been called a turd sandwich and a twatwaffle just today.  Boy I love 11W!

"Say my name."

avail31678's picture

If you click on the "via" link under the "We'll never forget you Brent" picture, it goes to The Daily Page, Madison Wisconsin.
In response to someone suggesting that UW hire Tressel, OJ posts:
"Even without the penalties, he was a dirty coach at both Youngstown State and Ohio State. Plus, Ohio State is one of the easiest programs in the country to be successful at, and he was fairly mediocre."
Tressel mediocre?  Really?  I forget which coach completely dominated the B1G, not to mention YOUR Wisconsin team.  And which coach, I forget, has the most BCS appearances and BCS wins (even with the Sugar vacate, I think)?
Suck it, Wiscy!

PierogyJim's picture

JESUS the Mountain Dew naming debacle link had me almost soiling my drawers. 
DIABEETUS!! LOL

toad1204's picture

Everytime they call the pigs I sit back and witness every moron raising their hand at the same time.  There were alot of morons in New Orleans for the Sugar Bowl.

Nothing like dancing on the field in 02... 

AndyVance's picture

Yes. So yes. It was obnoxious, humorous and mind-boggling all at the same time. Good Lord did they do that silly Hog Call for everything, too... Player tied his shoe, got a "here piggy piggy" fromt the crowd. Yeesh.

BuckeyeVet's picture

@Jeff Beck - Bravo, sir! Now I'm off to change the shirt I spit coffee all over while laughing. Please, let's continue to monitor BB while he's at Ar-Kansas. Too much gold there to throw away.

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."          - Groucho Marx 
 

Jeff Beck's picture

Thanks, I'm of the camp that believes Bret will just post a bunch of shirtless "Hog-Calls" on YouTube but only time will tell.

LouGroza's picture

Recently watched BTNs The Journey which covered the B1G championship game. In a snippet of that dingleberry talking about the matchup, he made this statement that went something like this, "We are glad to have the opportunity to play against an opponent that we have some respect for." Oh, to only be lucky enough to earn Brets respect.  A team could be so lucky.

avail31678's picture

CORRECTION, Lou....some respect. 
i can't believe he said "...to play a team we have some respect for."  Only some?  And what does that mean about the rest of your opponents?  Are you implying you don't have respect for them?
That guy is a quote machine.

input4u's picture

Wow!!! new meaning to "MARRY UP" - out kicked his coverage by a longshot...
 

Jeff Beck's picture

I thought the exact same thing

input4u's picture

 
Watching that viedo had me thingking that "Litterially" being the BMOC - must had some benifits landing her.  He said he was 42.  I'm thinking she is much younger. 

bedheadjc's picture

She sleeps under his gutblanket for warmth at night.

doodah_man's picture

+1000

Jim "DooDah" Day
It is hard to play dirty against a man who picks you up.

LadyBuck's picture

Fantastic read. The via link was hilarious! I didn't realize that so many Wisky fans hated their own coach as much as the rest of the conference does. Well written, Jeff.

Jeffs GF's picture

I am so in love with you right now.

Jeff Beck's picture

I think this is against the commenting policy

Baroclinicity's picture

Just don't downvote her for it.

MediBuck's picture

Wow, that was incredible. I hope this isn't the end of the Bert Bielma epic, but if it was, 'twas a wondrous sendoff. There will always be an empty, nacho cheese-filled hole in my heart where hatred for Bart Bolma resided.

"There is a force that makes us all brothers, no one goes his way alone." --Woody Hayes

osubuckeye4life's picture

*slow clap*
Amazing!

dtanmango's picture

“ROSE BOWL 3X” he proclaimed, and he was right. Getting to the Rose Bowl is all that truly matters. After you arrive the pageantry is victory enough. Winning is inconsequential
I’m sure Jim Tressel brags about his back-to-back national championship appearances in much the same manner. “NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP 2X, '06 & '07!!”
oh man -- hilarious!

-dtan